Hello!

[Morgan78]

Good morning!

I was born female but felt like a male since I was a toddler. When I was probably 6 or so, I had mentioned to my mom that I wished I had been born a boy. I don't remember what she said but I felt so ashamed that I didn't think about it again until I was in my mid-20s. Even then, after being steeped in conservative Christianity my entire life, when I felt conflicted about my gender identity I squashed those feelings in an attempt to be content as "the person God wanted me to be". (Ugh. Can I puke now?)

A couple of years ago, after nearly a decade of wrestling with my personal beliefs, I concluded that Christianity is just not my thing. This opened up a whole new world to me. I finally accepted myself as bisexual about a year ago but refused to acknowledge the bigger issue: my gender identity. However, several months ago my gender dysphoria heightened to the point I could not ignore it anymore, and I started researching gender identities. I concluded that genderfluid is the most fitting for me at the moment. Even though I feel incomplete without a penis, I also identify with either/both genders depending on the day. It wasn't until then that I realized I am in fact transgender even if I never come out to the world as such. I'm not sure why, but it was surprisingly easy to accept this fact about myself.

Since then, I've made subtle changes in my appearance, such as cutting my hair super short and spiking it. I've realized I can get away with men's pants with my work uniform. Even though I identify more as male than female, I'm content with continuing publicly as a female for now. I'm currently watching a friend go through the MTF transition, and it's a roller coaster I'm just not ready for yet. If I could have gender reassignment surgery without the hormone therapy, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

My biggest issue right now is my name. I have an undeniably female name. I've hated it forever due to its extreme popularity, but in light of recent events, I feel a pressing need to change to a gender neutral name. I cannot settle on a new name for myself, though. It is the most frustrating thing about being trans to me at the moment.

[Laurie]

  Hi  Morgan,
   I'm Laurie, I see that you are new here. So please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around.  I hope we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly. I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.
 
Laurie
Global Moderator
Laurie@susans.org

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[V M]

Hi Morgan 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Jessica]

Welcome to Susan's!  I won't use your name till you decide.  Good luck!

Jessica

[Morgan78]

Thank you for the welcome.

Today, I only worked a half a day so I had a lot of time this afternoon to think about...things. Dysphoria hit me hard today. I almost never cry, yet I've had 2 emotional meltdowns and decided I need to start transitioning to male ASAP. I had picked out a male name for myself long ago (maybe why I had such a hard time settling on a GN name), and am going to try it out on my gaming twitter--no gender specified, family/friends do not know my gaming name.

Since I feel as though I've been on a gender roller coaster these last few months, I'm not sure if I'm going to wake up in the morning feeling so strongly about needing to transition, but this is where I am right now. I plan to come out to my mom as somewhere between genderfluid and male tomorrow if she is free to get together. Monday I plan to call therapists after work; even if I don't transition, I feel like I kind of need therapy to help me sort myself out. The following Monday there's a local transgender support group meeting; I've never gone but hope to build up the courage between now and then to go to it.

[MeTony]

Welcome!

A gender therapist is to prefer if you can find one avalible. If you already have a therapist you trust, you can start there and ask your therapist for help to find a good gender therapist who can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.

Try out your name you chose. If you like being called that, keep it. I have tried several names. But I am Tony. Nothing else.


Tony

[Morgan78]

Unfortunately, there are no gender therapists in my state (closest one is about a 4 hour drive away), but there is a Trans Support Group that I asked for therapist recommendations in the area. I haven't heard back yet, but I'm not too surprised since it's the weekend and they had a special event today.

One of my trans friends from my gaming community has been calling me by my new name since I talked to her about everything last night, and I love it. I've made new email and Facebook accounts with my new name. It still feels surreal to look at my new name and think "that's me", but I think it's going to stick.

[MeTony]

Unfortunately, there are no gender therapists in my state (closest one is about a 4 hour drive away), but there is a Trans Support Group that I asked for therapist recommendations in the area. I haven't heard back yet, but I'm not too surprised since it's the weekend and they had a special event today.

One of my trans friends from my gaming community has been calling me by my new name since I talked to her about everything last night, and I love it. I've made new email and Facebook accounts with my new name. It still feels surreal to look at my new name and think "that's me", but I think it's going to stick.

I believe someone wrote here somewhere that you can have therapy over Skype or what ever that was. Maybe look into online therapists?


Tony

[Morgan78]

I believe someone wrote here somewhere that you can have therapy over Skype or what ever that was. Maybe look into online therapists?


Tony

Thank you, I had seen that as an option. Definitely something to consider if there aren't any trans-friendly therapists within reasonable traveling distance. 

I did come out to my mom this weekend. It was the first time I had said out loud that I'm transgender, and it was harder to say than I was expecting. She was confused at first but took it fairly well overall. She promised her love and support no matter what.

I'm going clothes shopping for men's shirts before going to work today. I'm excited about taking this step, although still quite nervous to wear obviously men's clothes in public. Thankfully, we have a gender neutral uniform at work so I don't have to worry about how I dress there, but I plan to start running errands in men's clothes at some point in the next couple of weeks.

[MeTony]

Good luck Morgan. Happy shopping.

[VaxSpyder]

I was born male and my parents named me Morgan.

[gwencook]

Hey,
Welcome to susans
Oh my gosh I cant believe how far youve come in such a very short time. Thats brilliant, I wish had that kind of confidence to make things faster Im really happy for you that your mom offered her love and support. I hope you keep us updated on things Morgan and look forward to hearing from you soon
Much love

[Morgan78]

Hey,
Welcome to susans
Oh my gosh I cant believe how far youve come in such a very short time. Thats brilliant, I wish had that kind of confidence to make things faster Im really happy for you that your mom offered her love and support. I hope you keep us updated on things Morgan and look forward to hearing from you soon
Much love

It's something I've been fighting for almost 30 years. Once I had my breakdown this past weekend and finally accepted this is who I am, there is no way I'm going back. I'm fortunate to have a friend who has been in transition for over a year now to vent to all hours of the day. She's seen all my ups and downs over the last few days and just keeps cheering me on. That keeps me going.

I'm not sure when I'm going to start therapy/transitioning yet. Anxiety is a B, and autism certainly is not my friend here either. The only thing I'm 100% certain of at this point is my new name (and it's far less gender neutral than Morgan, btw; Morgan is what I was planning to change my name to when I had settled for a genderfluid identity). I've lost the emergent need to transition. It's definitely something I want to start in the next few months, but it's not something I feel like I have to start tomorrow, like I was feeling over the weekend.

I did get some men's clothes the other day. That was exciting. I definitely need a binder to hopefully pull off wearing men's clothing, though. With my enormous breasts, I'm not even sure a binder can win this fight. Guess I'll find out when it comes in.

[Kendra]

> It's something I've been fighting for almost 30 years

Hi Morgan,

You words ring so true with me.  I am MtF, although we are heading in the opposite directions we have much in common.  I started questioning my gender in early grade school, explored a bit and then stopped for several decades - until I couldn't ignore this any longer. 

The supportive friend you are describing sounds great, and you may find less of a need for a support group.  One thing I'll suggest is - if the therapist 4 hours distant is qualified and has a good reputation, consider meeting them in person once and have followup meetings by Skype. 

Don't feel pressured follow the same calendar as everyone else.  Decide these things at your pace - the most important thing is taking control of your own destiny, and using available resources to help.

I'm glad you're here!

Kendra

[Devlyn]

Hi Morgan, welcome to Susan's Place! I missed your first post, but hey, at least you're settled on a name now. 
I'm looking forward to watching your progress. See you around!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Morgan78]

Hi Morgan, welcome to Susan's Place! I missed your first post, but hey, at least you're settled on a name now. 
I'm looking forward to watching your progress. See you around!

Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you! I had my HRT consult this afternoon. It went great! She is on board with prescribing T but I have to wait for lab results first, which I was expecting. I'm​ going​ tomorrow before work to get blood drawn, and as long as everything comes back fine, I should be starting on T sometime next week!

Sent from my XT1575 using Tapatalk

[Laurie]

Hi Again Morgan,

Good moves all since you started this post. You have taken some pretty important steps Hun, Working on getting your T, Telling your Mom and she says she is there for you. You might not fully realize how big that is. And trying to find some therapist to talk things out with. All good steps. I hope to hear more from you as things progress.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[fleurgirl]

Welcome to the forum, super interesting intro!

[Morgan78]

It's T day!! I'm in the room waiting for the doctor right now.

It never bothered me until today that people call me ma'am, but suddenly it does. I'm thinking I'll be going public sooner than I was planning. I almost accidentally outed myself to a few customers this morning.

Sent from my XT1575 using Tapatalk

[virtualverny]

hey, morgan! i'm a trans dude who was born into catholicism, and also denied myself because of religion, but ended up converting to judaism and deciding that i was made to be verny congrats on the t - i really do hope you get the results you want.