Hello to everyone on the forum! My name is Jessica, I'm a 45 yo married transgender women. My story is very similar to many that I've read all over the internet. I've known that I was "different" from a very young age and like so many others like us was "encouraged" to ignore that nonsense and be a "real" boy and then to "be a man" or "man up!" Ok, enough mean people quotes.
Despite all the wise advice I received throughout my life I was never able to convince myself that I'm not truly a woman. I tried all the normal treatments like joining the military, burying myself in work, getting married, getting married again (because she must not of been the RIGHT woman), getting married AGAIN but this time to a woman that embraced my crossdressing (that was a disaster before it even started!) but alas nothing worked. Ten years ago I decided to embrace my femininity and decided to start the transition process, but I got scared at the thought that I might lose my daughter and retreated. In an effort to not sacrifice my relationship with my youngest daughter, I decided once and for all that I would figure out how to be a man.
I spent about a year just focusing on being a father and getting my self figured out. I then re-met the most amazing woman. When we met I told her about my past, but I was sure that it was my past and everything seemed to be going great. I say re-met because we actually went to high school together about 20 years earlier and unbeknownst to the other we both had crushes on each other while we were in high school. Everything seemed to fit perfectly and we were poised for the perfect happily ever after. Everything was so magical that we even decided to have our wedding at Disney World. It was perfect! There was only one BIG problem, the feelings that I was still a woman never went away.
The feelings just kept coming up again and again. I was able to ignore them very easily at first, after all I had an amazing woman in my life already, I didn't need to create my own anymore. Unfortunately the feelings kept getting stronger and stronger, the more I ignored them, the stronger they would get. I wasn't long before I was going through my wife's closet trying to find something to wear or getting out her makeup to quell the urges and satisfy the long ignored woman that was desperately trying to come back out.
This all came to a screaming crescendo about 3 months ago when I couldn't hide it any longer and had to tell my wife about these urges. At first I was convinced that if I could just dress part time it would be enough to quiet the urges and satisfy my feminine desires. Deep depression was also a well known dance partner with my femme self, so I decided I needed to start seeing a therapist again to help me manage all of this new stuff and help me keep all of this under control. My wife was reluctant at first to let me start dressing again, she knew just dressing wouldn't be enough and it would lead me to want to start transitioning again. I was absolutely certain that I would be able to control it and I assured her that wouldn't happen.
My wife is probably the smartest person I've ever known, so I should have listened to her. She was right! When I started dressing again everything came rushing back from 10 years ago, just like that time away had never happened. I very quickly became aware that I couldn't control it like I had intended. I'm not a crossdresser ...I'm a transgender woman! Only there is a another BIG problem. My wife doesn't want to be married to a woman. She married a man, a man with feminine traits, a man that loves to cook and sew, a man that loves to shop, a man that regularly gives her makeup tips, a man that can give spot on fashion advice, but A MAN!
She is also the most liberal person I know. She is very supportive of the LGBTQ community and has several gay and trans friends. She was a member of the LGB Straight Alliance organization at her college, she gets vocally offended when she hears of injustice in the world directed toward LGBTQ people, she is definitely an ally of all LGBTQ people, just NOT HER HUSBAND!
So where does this leave me...Stuck! Lost! Lonely! This is what brings me here. She is my wife and best friend and I can't and don't want to imagine my life without her. I have three wonderful daughters and one not so wonderful daughter that I don't want to lose either. My wife is also really my only friend. By design I have avoided making real friends my whole life because I was certain that they would reject me if they knew the real me. While talking to my therapist last week she said I'm putting too much pressure on my wife and I need some other friends to chat with, commune with, and commiserate with. I used to be connected with a few friends in the trans community years ago, but when I tried to put all of this behind me, I foolishly left all of them behind as well.
Sorry this intro is so long, but it's where I'm at right now. There is way more detail to my story that I'm sure I'll be sharing as time goes on.
So basically I'm here looking for friends. I look forward to getting to know everyone.
