Hi. I am new :)

[CallMeKatie]

and I am going crazy!

I'm 33 and I was born a male, you know, wide chest, tall, body hair, penis, all that disgusting stuff.

I've managed to supress my dysphoria for so many many years but I am reaching breaking point.

I want to be me. I am not particularly girly in interests at all but I do cry a lot over what most guys would laugh at, the idea of having sex for casual fun seems so ridiculous as I NEED that connection, I crave to be held and just be held and cry for no reason other than I know I need to cry and I know this body isn't right.

I hate looking like this. I'm an unattractive guy with a broad chest and tall, just gross.

BUT I am scared and confused.
Why do I want to look like a woman so badly?
Surely I should want to BE a woman rather than just being me looking like a woman?

I know I should go to the doctors but the waiting list in the UK is over three years and I need advice.
I don't understand why I want to be me as I am but looking female.
Surely this isn't transgender?

Argh!

If anyone has questions I will answer honestly.

Please help me

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Why do we feel the way we do? It's because we were born that way with a feminine brain. Some of us take longer than others to figure it out but once we do, it remains on our mind until we resolve it. We don't all feel the same way and our dysphoria tends to trigger off different things. In my case, I was mostly uncomfortable with my roll in life but others can be uncomfortable with the appearance of they body. There is noting specific that says you are transgender but it's just a feeling of being uncomfortable with your gender role.

You can get private treatment and then transfer to the public program when the time  is right. Others on the site know more about this than me and they should be checking in shortly. For now, you might want to look at two additional links. The first is our WIKI where transgender will be explained to you. The second is "the transition channel" where you will be able to explore your feelings with a series of questions. Let us know if you have additional questions.

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[V M]

Hi Kate 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Jayne01]

Hi Kate,
Welcome to Susan's. My name is Jayne, mtf from Australia.

I want to be me. I am not particularly girly in interests at all but I do cry a lot over what most guys would laugh at, the idea of having sex for casual fun seems so ridiculous as I NEED that connection, I crave to be held and just be held and cry for no reason other than I know I need to cry and I know this body isn't right.

I hate looking like this. I'm an unattractive guy with a broad chest and tall, just gross.

Girl or boy interests are just a generalisation brought about by what most girls or guys like doing. It doesn't define your gender identity. I like to tinker in the garage and get dirty working on my car, I used to drive a 4wd and take it camping in the bush, I rode a motorbike and I work as an engineer in an all male work place. All those things are typically male interests, but women are not excluded from having the same interests.

It sounds like you have body dysphoria more than social dysphoria. That may change as you progress along your journey. I started with body dysphoria and no social dysphoria at all, now I am finding that I also need the social recognition as a woman. That is me, you may be different. The answers will come to you with time. If you don't have the means to find a private therapist and waiting on the public health waiting list is your only option, I encourage you to ask lots of questions on this forum and learn as much as you can. Don't be afraid to take a close internal look at yourself to find out who Kate really is. There is no one mould which we all fit in to. There is no right or wrong, only the truth of who you are.

BUT I am scared and confused.
Why do I want to look like a woman so badly?
Surely I should want to BE a woman rather than just being me looking like a woman?

What do you think it means to BE a woman? Maybe don't worry about labels for now. You are "you" and you want to look like a woman. That's ok. It is a perfectly valid way to feel. There is no right or wrong.

I don't understand why I want to be me as I am but looking female.
Surely this isn't transgender?

Again, don't worry about labels. Maybe you are transgender, maybe you are not. Figure out who you are and what makes you most comfortable. Then if you feel it is necessary, find some label to apply to yourself, and if a label doesn't exist, make one up.

If it helps, transgender is a very broad spectrum from 100% masculine to 100% feminine. By definition, that would make almost every human being on earth transgender. I say almost, because some people don't feel any gender at all and may not fit into this spectrum.

I wish you well on your journey. Enjoy your time on the forum. There is a wealth of information with many people willing to share their experiences.

Jayne

[CallMeKatie]

Thanks all, especially Jayne

I know girls can have boy interests and boys girl interests although really there are no such thing as boy or girl interests just interests.
It's just that girls and I guess guys have certain expectations by the world. It's difficult to be a girl who likes sports and crudity without being judged. I like a lot of girl things too.

The body dysphoria is interesting as I don't HATE this male body. Not at all. I just wish I could have a female body and look female without changing who I am or acting any different.
I'd hate to wake up with a lovely female body and be a different person as I LIKE who I am, I just feel I don't look right

Either way, it's nice to be here. I am sure I will be bombing everyone with a million questions soon enough

EDIT -

Interesting. I wrote the first message after a bottle of wine...okay two and they say when you are drunk your true feelings come out.
I noticed I wrote in my drunk message how I hate looking like a male but now I am sober I feel I am okay looking like this.
That is something I need to give some thought to.

I guess I just want to be a girl like right now without nobody really noticing as I am scared how people will react

[Jayne01]

Thanks all, especially Jayne

I know girls can have boy interests and boys girl interests although really there are no such thing as boy or girl interests just interests.

That is exactly the point I was trying to make. I'm glad you understood what I meant.

It's just that girls and I guess guys have certain expectations by the world. It's difficult to be a girl who likes sports and crudity without being judged. I like a lot of girl things too.

The expectations and judgements are the problems of those people. Unfortunately, if you are the one ring judged, you need to find a way to deal with the shortcomings of the other people.

The body dysphoria is interesting as I don't HATE this male body. Not at all. I just wish I could have a female body and look female without changing who I am or acting any different.
I'd hate to wake up with a lovely female body and be a different person as I LIKE who I am, I just feel I don't look right

It's not necessary to hate your male body. It just isn't comfortable for you, it doesn't fit you quite right. You can go a to a store and see an outfit on a mannequin that you absolutely love, but when you try it on, it doesn't fit you right. It turns out a different outfit is the right one for you. Having a female body won't make you a different person (unless that is something you try to do), it just makes you happier by removing the cloud of discomfort that follows you 24/7. You become a better version of yourself when you start being your true self, whatever that means for each individual.

I don't dislike "male me". I like who I am, but I am unable to reach my full potential as "him". There would always have been something suppressing my enjoyment of life, that is why I have started transitioning. You may find a different solution that works better for you. Maybe part time crossdressing is all you need. I don't know, you will figure it out for yourself along through way.

I guess I just want to be a girl like right now without nobody really noticing as I am scared how people will react

This is a natural and expected reaction. We seek validation from others. Being trans is hard because society is still catching up with how diverse people can be. So there is still a lot of transphobia out there. The trick is finding a way to not worry about how others will react. Once you find the confidence to be yourself, others will either like you, or they won't. It will certainly sort out who your real friends are.

Jayne

[Janes Groove]

Hi Kate. It sounds like you are transgender but are dealing with a lot of negative messages that you have gotten in your life about how bad it is to be a guy who is really a girl on the inside.  I am thinking that you want to have a female body because you want to be recognized as a female.  It's a social thing.  It might help you to attend a support group in real life where you can experience what it feels like to be seen by others as a woman and referred to and treated as such.  There is nothing like actual experience to clear up one's confusion on this matter.  Non-transgender guys don't feel uncomfortable in their own bodies or ever wish to have a girl's body.  They never even give it a second thought. It helps me to always remember that there is nothing wrong with us.
Hope this helps and welcome to Susans.

[CallMeKatie]

Thanks Jayne
You make a lot of sense

JanesGroove you made a point that seems so weird to me and I know you are right.
I mean you say non transgender people don't think about being the opposite gender. That seems so odd to me and it's something I am having trouble wrapping my head around.
It just seems odd to me that all guys don't think of being female at some point.

It's something I need to click to fully a accept that I AM a girl really. I suppose it's the same as a guy being attraceteed to a guy. He doesn't decide to choose to be gay, he just is.

I am quite scared of being an ugly female though. I want to be loved and accepted and since I am tall and broad...well I am just scared .

[karenk1959]

Hi Kate,

I am confused as you are. I believe I am transgender as I wish my anatomy was different, but physically I would make a terrible woman and therefore would walk around paranoid and likely a subject of ridicule and prejudice. I don't want any additional stress in my life as I have already experienced lifelong depression and anxiety and I know a big part of depression, sometimes to the point of suicide, in TG is the experience of prejudice.

I also don't want to throw my whole life away. Arguably, that is as important to any contentment in my life as is my anatomy. I don't want to lose my marriage, possibly my three grown children, my friends and community. Being alone would also be extremely depressing. I can just picture being by myself looking in the mirror and crying.

I am also culturally educated as a man since I didn't realize I was TG until much later in life and am not too interested in feminine pursuits. Some days the dysphoria is worse than others and alternatively maybe I am gender fluid. Basically, I am faced with the decision to chose the best of two evils ~ gender dysphoria or worsened depression and anxiety from prejudices and isolation. PS ~ also scared to death of surgery. Always potential for complications.

Hope this might give you a different perspective. Transitioning is not for everyone despite the dysphoria.

[Janes Groove]

I am quite scared of being an ugly female though. I want to be loved and accepted and since I am tall and broad...well I am just scared.

It may sound trite but beauty IS in the eye of the beholder.  I started my transition by going to a local transgender support clinic/center taking with me the same fears you are experiencing  where I have met a lot of wonderful transgender women. Some big. Some small.  Some masculine looking. Some feminine looking.  But we all are part of a family and we derive from each other the support we need and in many cases the support we don't get from the larger society.  I have met stunning transgender women with vapid personalities and other transgender women who have personalities so big they just can't be controlled or arrested or hidden in a closet.  If you do want to explore your gender identity further then I would suggest that finding a good real life transgender support group in your area would be a good idea.

Feeling fear is part of the transition process.  Some get past it. Others never do.