Jess’s mess

[Donica]

I'm sorry Donica, we had porterhouse steaks, roasted potatoes, sautéed green beans/cherry tomatoes paired with a local porter ale, topped off with a luscious chocolate Crémeux and Mexican coffee next to the fire pit.

Hugs and smiles from a Northern California girl

Oh my! Even better! I won't miss the next one. I will bring Danielle and the wine.  Laurie and Michelle will probably beat us there. You know how good Laurie is with those backroads.

BTW, lovely picture of you and Laurie. Did Laurie run the 10K with you?

Hugs everyone!
Donica.

[Jessica]

@Donica @Laurie

Oh my! Even better! I won't miss the next one. I will bring Danielle and the wine.  Laurie and Michelle will probably beat us there. You know how good Laurie is with those backroads.

BTW, lovely picture of you and Laurie. Did Laurie run the 10K with you?

Hugs everyone!
Donica.

Laurie is my pace setter, but her busy schedule left only after noon free. 

[LizK]

@Alaskan Danielle @Donica @Laurie

We waited for everyone to show up for the BBQ.......again.
Second time that has happened...Danielle???  Donica???

Oh and sorry Danielle, I don't like running with my phone so no selfies!  I hope for good shots from the race organizers.
I was a lone runner today since the gal pal that was joining me, had a sick child.
Ran an unofficial 75 min 10k, about 25 mins slower than my fastest.  Again though I did not want to place in the women's age group I was in.  Final results aren't in yet, but I was not in the top three.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Jess

Just catching up on your thread...you two look like you are up to no good at all...

Well done just for finishing I doubt I could especially not running you must be super fit.

Take care
Liz

[Charlie Nicki]

Jess it seems like you had fun with Laurie! Glad to hear it

[Jessica]

So friends, I've shed a few tears lately. 
My fifth electrolysis session made me cry.
My close friend that I run with is also close to my wife.  She is afraid of getting in the middle of things between my wife and I and has called off any friendship with Jessica until we work things out.  That made me cry.
To make matters worse my wife's first group session was canceled without notice. That made me cry.
My appointment with the ENT proved out that I needed a biopsy from the growth on my right vocal cord.  That made me cry.

This is Jess's Mess 🤦‍♀️

[Northern Star Girl]

So friends, I've shed a few tears lately. 
My fifth electrolysis session made me cry.
My close friend that I run with is also close to my wife.  She is afraid of getting in the middle of things between my wife and I and has called off any friendship with Jessica until we work things out.  That made me cry.
To make matters worse my wife's first group session was canceled without notice. That made me cry.
My appointment with the ENT proved out that I needed a biopsy from the growth on my right vocal cord.  That made me cry.

This is Jess's Mess 🤦‍♀️

@Jessica
Dear Jess:
Now you have me crying...   I am so sorry about the issues that you mentioned. 
>The hair removal sessions can be painful but you do know that they will end well and for your benefit.
>You have mentioned your running friend many times before and I thought you, her and your wife all were aware of each other and got along very well.
>Hopefully your wife's group session is not permanently cancelled and will be rescheduled.
>Oh, and the biopisi of your vocal chord...  I am going to pray for a good outcome for you and for your doctor.

These difficult issues will pass and hopefully be resolved...  hope springs eternal... think positive about all of the future outcomes....  easier said than done for sure.

For right now, Chocolate may be a good therapy and treatment for you while all of this is fresh on your mind.

Hugs and more tight hugs and bigger hugs,
[emoji173]
Danielle

[Jessica]

@Alaskan Danielle

@Jessica
Dear Jess:
Now you have me crying...   I am so sorry about the issues that you mentioned. 
>The hair removal sessions can be painful but you do know that they will end well and for your benefit.
>You have mentioned your running friend many times before and I thought you, her and your wife all were aware of each other and got along very well.
>Hopefully your wife's group session is not permanently cancelled and will be rescheduled.
>Oh, and the biopisi of your vocal chord...  I am going to pray for a good outcome for you and for your doctor.

These difficult issues will pass and hopefully be resolved...  hope springs eternal... think positive about all of the future outcomes....  easier said than done for sure.

For right now, Chocolate may be a good therapy and treatment for you while all of this is fresh on your mind.

Hugs and more tight hugs and bigger hugs,
[emoji173]
Danielle

Thank you Danielle 💕💕 
My electrolysis session was actually after my friend requesting a break (which put me in a bit of an emotional state causing more awareness to the pain of ⚡️) until my wife can become in tune with her feelings.  She is a good friend to her and I don't begrudge her at all.  I don't know how this will affect our in general relationship....  I see it as a bit of a crushing challenge.

The group sessions are twice a month and she is able to go to the next in two weeks.  I am breaking ice with her.  Today at my ENT appointment the medical personnel addressed me as Jess, my preferred name on record.  She had never heard that from someone else.  I asked her a week or so ago "what will work for you?"  She of course is not sure.  I then turned the question back on me, and after reflection we shared some of our thoughts.  We both agree that couples therapy will be beneficial.  Unfortunately that is not covered through my health plan.  I can get all the therapy, medications, surgeries to become a woman, but they won't lift a finger to have therapy where you can have a mediated discussion to save a relationship.....Thrive much?

My my right vocal fold looks battered and worn.  That's not what the doc thinks though.  She thinks it is something, something keratosis, an increase growth of tissue and not cancerous.  Part of that conclusion was based on my voice is relatively strong/clear, and a soft/gravelly voice is more of an indication of cancer.  But of course, they have to check.  I'm terrified of general anesthesia, and that's the only way to subdue the gag reflex.  My surgeon says that if she feels it necessary will remove all of the excess tissue.  I will need to follow a much abbreviated recovery much like voice surgery.  For a few weeks to a month is what it may take, afterwhich hopefully will allow me to work on my real voice.

Thank you again dear friend 🌸🌸🌸
Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Michelle_P]

@Jessica

I've been out all afternoon to do a tech presentation up in Benicia and am just getting caught up. 

Kaiser sort of stinks at couples care, especially in this area.  I was able to do this by arranging individual sessions for myself, and then convincing my therapist to speak with my spouse for some sessions.  I brought my spouse in for one session, but they had issues with how the therapist interacted with them and refused to return for more sessions.

I can't help but wonder if your surgeon would consider doing some form of VFS as part of the procedure on your damaged vocal fold.  If nothing else, once you can talk following the enforced silent period, you have a great excuse to talk only in your feminine 'head' voice.  This is the fastest way to develop voice properly, without the back and forth that retains a male voice as your default voice.

[LizK]

So friends, I've shed a few tears lately. 
My fifth electrolysis session made me cry.
My close friend that I run with is also close to my wife.  She is afraid of getting in the middle of things between my wife and I and has called off any friendship with Jessica until we work things out.  That made me cry.
To make matters worse my wife's first group session was canceled without notice. That made me cry.
My appointment with the ENT proved out that I needed a biopsy from the growth on my right vocal cord.  That made me cry.

This is Jess's Mess

Oh Jess that is a really tough break.

It is sad to lose friends any time and I hope you are able to sort this out with her and try and restore the friendship.

I am guessing the session that got cancelled could have made a real difference for your wife, as my Mum was prone to say "it never rains it just pours down"

I can only guess at how you must be feeling about your vocal chords. I am sending you a big aussie hug which I hope in some small way makes you smile if only for the moment. You are strong woman and you have some great support around you, to help you during this time. I am thinking of you hope tomorrow is a better day and you don't have to cry.

Take care

Liz

[Faith]

So friends, I've shed a few tears lately. 
My fifth electrolysis session made me cry.
My close friend that I run with is also close to my wife.  She is afraid of getting in the middle of things between my wife and I and has called off any friendship with Jessica until we work things out.  That made me cry.
To make matters worse my wife's first group session was canceled without notice. That made me cry.
My appointment with the ENT proved out that I needed a biopsy from the growth on my right vocal cord.  That made me cry.

This is Jess's Mess 🤦‍♀️

I did not read much of the forums yesterday and missed this.

I am so sorry that you're going through this.  I hope today brings some balancing 'ups' for you to work with.

[Donica]

Dear Jess, I hope you are feeling better today. I don't know what to do about your wife's therapy? It doesn't make mush sense that they cover so many other things but not you and your wife's needs.

It would be nice as Nichelle asked, if your doctor may remove some of the tissue from your vocal fold, why not include it with your VFS? I'm not sure how that would work?

Warm hugs Jess!
Donica.

[Kirsteneklund7]

So friends, I've shed a few tears lately. 
My fifth electrolysis session made me cry.
My close friend that I run with is also close to my wife.  She is afraid of getting in the middle of things between my wife and I and has called off any friendship with Jessica until we work things out.  That made me cry.
To make matters worse my wife's first group session was canceled without notice. That made me cry.
My appointment with the ENT proved out that I needed a biopsy from the growth on my right vocal cord.  That made me cry.

This is Jess's Mess 🤦‍♀️

  I just want to send a big Aussie hug as well. Your post really got me thinking for a couple of days. Allowing our feminine self to show does hurt at times. The highs are higher and the lows are lower- things that really cut deep are our relationships with our loved ones and close friends. Also all the dramas seem to come at once.

I dont envy how you have been feeling - I know its painful.

Its clear you care deeply for your wife and friends. you are all decent caring people.

Just want to say my thoughts are with you all & I'm sure plugging away steadily will see things work out very well.

I'm looking forward to seeing your naturally positive/ buoyant self out there again.

  Big fat hugs, Kirsten.

[Jessica]

@Alaskan Danielle @Michelle_P @LizK @Faith @Donica @Kirsteneklund7 @Charlie Nicki
Thank you all for the well wishes 🌸🌸🌸
I am approaching a juncture in my transition.  My wife is finally breaking out of her dome of silence. Unfortunately her comments have me questioning if she will ever be on board.  Whether or not I'm able to continue my path and create a comfortable situation with my wife is up in the air.  She says she wants to stay together but is still ambivalent whether she can handle it all. 
Do I acquiescence and live two separate realities keeping both sides of me sated but disjointed, abandon my quest, or move on.  Very tough decisions.  We have been together for 38 years and we do love each other dearly.  She has a rescheduled group therapy appointment in less than 2 weeks, my individual session is a few days later.  We both recognize that couples counseling would be helpful and are seeking a therapist.

My dear friend that abandoned Jessica has done just that, I am crushed.

My upcoming surgery on my vocal cord has me concerned on a major front.  The ability to clear my throat as often as I need will be curtailed to zilch.  This will cause untold stress on me.

Hugs, Jess

[Northern Star Girl]

@Alaskan Danielle @Michelle_P @LizK @Faith @Donica @Kirsteneklund7 @Charlie Nicki
Thank you all for the well wishes 🌸🌸🌸
I am approaching a juncture in my transition.  My wife is finally breaking out of her dome of silence. Unfortunately her comments have me questioning if she will ever be on board.  Whether or not I'm able to continue my path and create a comfortable situation with my wife is up in the air.  She says she wants to stay together but is still ambivalent whether she can handle it all. 
Do I acquiescence and live two separate realities keeping both sides of me sated but disjointed, abandon my quest, or move on.  Very tough decisions.  We have been together for 38 years and we do love each other dearly.  She has a rescheduled group therapy appointment in less than 2 weeks, my individual session is a few days later.  We both recognize that couples counseling would be helpful and are seeking a therapist.

My dear friend that abandoned Jessica has done just that, I am crushed.

My upcoming surgery on my vocal cord has me concerned on a major front.  The ability to clear my throat as often as I need will be curtailed to zilch.  This will cause untold stress on me.

Hugs, Jess

@Jessica
Dear Jess:
I really do not have any words for you that will make all of these difficult issues go away and help you to feel better about things.....  my heart goes out to you along with my big hug.
                     that is all I've got..........
           
Hugs and wishing you well,
Danielle

[Laurie]

Jess,

  I know this is a difficult time for you. It feels as though everything is coming down all around you. Crumbling and creating distress. But I thinks these issues will eventually resolve themselves. All of them are very important to you and for your well being. I would hate to try to prioritize them, but at the moment I would think the issues with your throat would definitely get my attention. Get that one resolved and then you can continue with your relationship with your wife. That one is a very important one too. Your girl friend will be there albeit trying to be neutral but I am sure she hasn't forsaken you or your wife. She just doesn't want to be in the middle and forced to make a choice.
  Hey Sis, hang in there and let things get better.

Hugs & Love,
   Laurie

[Charlie Nicki]

Jess I just caught up with your thread. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, I'll text you ASAP.

[KathyLauren]

Jessica, I am sorry that you are feeling a triple-whammy of stress.  Only you know the best course for yourself.  I hope things get easier for you.

[Jessica]

@Alaskan Danielle @Laurie @Charlie Nicki @KathyLauren

Thank you all for your concern 🌸🌸🌸

My main stressor in my life is surprisingly not being born a cis-woman instead of cis-male, it's not being able to breathe....go figure.
I have had multiple episodes where this has manifested itself upon me.
Last one was last night.
Terrifying!
There has been no diagnosis of why.
At my voice therapy consult, they saw what might be the reason.
An abnormality on my right vocal cord.
They looked closely but were inconclusive in any cause.
I have my theory on why and I've shared it.
Last night may prove me out.  The doctor is going to have another look see.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Kendra]

Jess here's a big hug.  Medical issues cannot be ignored and you're doing the right thing - tackling everything directly and carefully although it can at times seem overwhelming. 

[Jessica]

@Kendra

Jess here's a big hug.  Medical issues cannot be ignored and you're doing the right thing - tackling everything directly and carefully although it can at times seem overwhelming.

Thank you Kendra, I appreciate this from you.  You are so brave.  Your recent objectives have always been met full force, straight on, but never haphazard and I admire you for it.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl