Jess’s mess

[Jessica]

@KathyLauren

I am sorry that you have lost friends.  I don't think it is ever wrong to present a hopeful, friendly approach.  You are a positive person, and you have to be true to who you are.

Thank you Kathy....if I was to do it differently I would in essence be killing myself.



@Donica

We don't have to agree with others but true friends allow others to be themselves unconditionally.

Hugs Jess!

Thank you Donica, this is correct.  This friend in particular has issues around the holiday season, and I understand that.  It's been hurtful though that I've been called a betrayer and by all indications should only be allowed to be of her mindset.  I've done a few independent actions trying to create a happy place for others, each one was met with a tongue lashing.  The one on Christmas Day nearly was the straw that broke the camels back.  It was something no one should have to experience on a day of giving and love.  I do care deeply for this friend, but I question the commitment from someone that is more concerned of their views rather than understanding the way I live.  Grudges can be a deal breaker in any relationship, and they don't typically fair well.
I have to look out for myself as much as others to themselves.  I don't want to go through this ever again, which means I need to ponder if this friendship is worth the hurt I've experienced as much as they will need to do the same.

[davina61]

As much as its nice (and right) to help and be friends to others sometimes we have to put ourselves first. Then some folk cant be helped as they are there own worst enemy.

[Jessica]

@davina61

As much as its nice (and right) to help and be friends to others sometimes we have to put ourselves first. Then some folk cant be helped as they are there own worst enemy.

Thank you for your reply Davina.  I am cognizant of the very real need to protect this friend also from my actions that can exasperate the situation.  I will ponder and find my own solution in a safer time that will not create her to continue a downward spiral.  Maybe a future conversation will set things in a clearer picture for me.  I'm not a quitter, more of a "move on" girl.

[Michelle_P]

As much as its nice (and right) to help and be friends to others sometimes we have to put ourselves first. Then some folk cant be helped as they are there own worst enemy.

Indeed!  We each have to be true to ourselves first.

I actually try to avoid extending unsolicited offers of help, as I have learned that others do not necessarily want my help, nor should I see their difficulties as something for me to fix.  That has been a bit difficult for me.  I did learn to try and change the way I write and speak to be less prescriptive, that is, less of that "You should..." stuff, and to be more reflective; "My experience...", or "I tried...". 

This seems to have less negative impact on others, and appears to be less likely to provoke a defensive reflex to whatever I am trying to communicate.

Ah, life skills and friends under stress...  It's one heck of a way to learn!

[Jessica]

@Michelle_P

Indeed!  We each have to be true to ourselves first.

I actually try to avoid extending unsolicited offers of help, as I have learned that others do not necessarily want my help, nor should I see their difficulties as something for me to fix.  That has been a bit difficult for me.  I did learn to try and change the way I write and speak to be less prescriptive, that is, less of that "You should..." stuff, and to be more reflective; "My experience...", or "I tried...". 

This seems to have less negative impact on others, and appears to be less likely to provoke a defensive reflex to whatever I am trying to communicate.

Ah, life skills and friends under stress...  It's one heck of a way to learn!

I will admit that my original reach out was a bit persistent and I thought that the blowback from that approach had settled.  Everything else revolves around my own personal needs and her own need to tell me I shouldn't feel those needs and should consider her views exclusively as the way to be.  Friendship is a two way street, and I've been run off the road so that a clear path is open for just one way to go.

[steph2.0]

I did learn to try and change the way I write and speak to be less prescriptive, that is, less of that "You should..." stuff, and to be more reflective; "My experience...", or "I tried...". 

This seems to have less negative impact on others, and appears to be less likely to provoke a defensive reflex to whatever I am trying to communicate.

My neighbor (one of the two who decided it was my fault that they can't get pronouns correct) loved to start statements with, "You should..." It demonstrated incredible arrogance and was an insultingly disrespectful slur on my own judgement. It was just annoying in the before times, but after it was just maddening as he purported to demonstrate superior knowledge of something he knew zero about.

I had never used that term before, but listening to him brought home the value of gentle persuasion as opposed to sledgehammer diplomacy.

Stephanie

[Jessica]

@Steph2.0

My neighbor (one of the two who decided it was my fault that they can't get pronouns correct) loved to start statements with, "You should..." It demonstrated incredible arrogance and was an insultingly disrespectful slur on my own judgement. It was just annoying in the before times, but after it was just maddening as he purported to demonstrate superior knowledge of something he knew zero about.

I had never used that term before, but listening to him brought home the value of gentle persuasion as opposed to sledgehammer diplomacy.

Stephanie

The word "should" can be related in various forms.  In this case it was saying I was in the wrong to think the way I do.

[Michelle_P]

@Steph2.0

The word "should" can be related in various forms.  In this case it was saying I was in the wrong to think the way I do.

Language is funny stuff, and we can read things into it that sometimes just are not there or at least weren't intended to be there.  I've had a lot of problems with a family member so insists on communicating over emotional matters using only text messages!  Without body language, voice tone, and other nonverbal communication, there can be really wild misinterpretations.

Alas, very few of us can communicate all out thoughts through purely textual media.  I certainly know that I am no Steinbeck, and vastly prefer face-to-face communication to texts or message boards!

[Jessica]

@Michelle_P

Language is funny stuff, and we can read things into it that sometimes just are not there or at least weren't intended to be there.  I've had a lot of problems with a family member so insists on communicating over emotional matters using only text messages!  Without body language, voice tone, and other nonverbal communication, there can be really wild misinterpretations.

Alas, very few of us can communicate all out thoughts through purely textual media.  I certainly know that I am no Steinbeck, and vastly prefer face-to-face communication to texts or message boards!

This is a well known fact, one can read something one way and someone else another. 
Case in point....the Christian Bible.
I choose my words carefully, but still need to or wish to edit at times.  My words I used regarding an issue a while back was to ask for help, which set off a cascade of abuses in the way I read it.
Maybe the problem was the fact I asked a favor of her instead of doing a course of action I found distasteful.  The latter was impossible for me to do.  So I relied on friendship and have cried a few times because of it.  The most recent had nothing to do with her but of my own need to try to make things better.  My indirect actions were put to shame.  She definitely laid bare and newly freshed, a wound that has now gotten deeper. 
Words are important though, as they can cut like a knife.  This blade hit close to my heart.

And it just got deeper

[Jessica]

Hi friends, it seems inroads to forgiveness on both sides are reaching a happy conclusion between my friend and myself.  Time will tell if we grow as close to each other as we were.  But I'm hopeful.

[KathyLauren]

I am glad to hear some good news about you and your friend, Jessica.  Time will tell, as you say, but it sounds like you are heading in a good direction.

[Northern Star Girl]

Hi friends, it seems inroads to forgiveness on both sides are reaching a happy conclusion between my friend and myself.  Time will tell if we grow as close to each other as we were.  But I'm hopeful.

@Jessica
Dear Jess:
You definitely have the solution ... forgiveness is definitely a 2 way street even if you were not the one that offended. If we genuinely ask someone for forgiveness it is then incumbent on the other party to accept it.  Even if they do not, you have done your part.  Holding bitterness and resentment is so very destructive for either party. 

Keep forging forward until you feel that your relationship is healed ... and if it is not at least you can have peace of mind knowing that you did all you could do to heal and restore the relationship.

Wishing you well,
Hugs,
Danielle

[Jessica]

@Alaskan Danielle

@Jessica
Dear Jess:
You definitely have the solution ... forgiveness is definitely a 2 way street even if you were not the one that offended. If we genuinely ask someone for forgiveness it is then incumbent on the other party to accept it.  Even if they do not, you have done your part.  Holding bitterness and resentment is so very destructive for either party. 

Keep forging forward until you feel that your relationship is healed ... and if it is not at least you can have peace of mind knowing that you did all you could do to heal and restore the relationship.

Wishing you well,
Hugs,
Danielle

Thank you Danielle 🌸🌸🌸   We worked out our needs and laughed with each other again.  Tickling the funny bone can be a strong persuader to smile.  I think we are both smiling, at least at one another.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Donica]

I'm glad to hear you and your friend are working things out Jess. Life is so much better when shared with true friends and loved ones.

[Jessica]

I'm glad to hear you and your friend are working things out Jess. Life is so much better when shared with true friends and loved ones.

Thank you Donica, I appreciate your helpful thoughts.
True friends are a blessing to find and a tragedy to lose.  The ones lost, were they true friends all the same?  I think yes, everybody's life goes through changes as they go.  It might be because new revelations occurring that can change a friendship. 
I experienced a lose of a very dear friend that I thought she was truly accepting several months ago.  We were quite close, but I felt that she had issues.  Not so much by my transition, but by her own need to not tell her family about me.  At that time she knew that I was not ready for that.  So all it took was me to recognize her distress, ask if she wanted out of all this and it escalated into what it is now.  I think she wanted as much as I did to be true friends, but did not have the resources to talk to others and it became to much.

I still smile at all and many smile back with an opportunity for friendship!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Northern Star Girl]

@Jessica
Dear Jess:
It has been a joy and very wonderful for me to meet you on the Forums this past year... and thank you being a good friend to me on so many levels.... it has been a high point of my life here.

I have so much enjoyed your updates as you continue on in your journey.
Thank you for feeling free to share your life events with all of us.   

I have very much enjoyed swapping comments and thoughts with you on your thread, my thread, and on various threads around the Forums.  Thank you for your continued support in my times of need...  you have been a true friend to me.   I trust that I have been just as helpful and supportive to you as well.
Obviously some bumps in the road that all of us experience so we continue to hang on for an exciting ride.
 
I am so very happy that I found you and your thread on the Forums this last year and I will be eagerly following your upcoming reports and updates in the New Year in 2019.

Wishing you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR   in 2019...

Hugs and as always, well wishes.

Danielle

[Jessica]

@Alaskan Danielle

@Jessica
Dear Jess:
It has been a joy and very wonderful for me to meet you on the Forums this past year... and thank you being a good friend to me on so many levels.... it has been a high point of my life here.

I have so much enjoyed your updates as you continue on in your journey.
Thank you for feeling free to share your life events with all of us.   

I have very much enjoyed swapping comments and thoughts with you on your thread, my thread, and on various threads around the Forums.  Thank you for your continued support in my times of need...  you have been a true friend to me.   I trust that I have been just as helpful and supportive to you as well.
Obviously some bumps in the road that all of us experience so we continue to hang on for an exciting ride.
 
I am so very happy that I found you and your thread on the Forums this last year and I will be eagerly following your upcoming reports and updates in the New Year in 2019.

Wishing you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR   in 2019...

Hugs and as always, well wishes.

Danielle

Thank you dear friend 🌸🌸🌸
I have gained wonderful insights and support from you through the last year.
I have found you to be a true friend, even to the point of visiting in my dreams.

So much has happened to me since I started my transition, some beneficial some not so.
I've found friends!
I've lost friends....
I've found peace, while living in turmoil.
I've walked on a path I'd considered beyond my expectations in life.

This I attribute to life in general.
Ever fluid.  To remain static is against human nature. 
Always in flux as we move forward into the future.
For forward is the only direction that is an option.
Steps that seem contrary are often redirects, focused on needs at the moment.
What direction I travel is always in front of me, but the path is wide enough to veer towards my true goals.  I have bonds created throughout my life that I do cherish as necessary.
My marriage to my best friend is something I can not forsake.
My true goal is happiness, and joy that is joined together with her.

Who I am, is based on my experiences.
What I am, is a force beyond imagination.
Why I am, is due to energies that send me forward.
Where I go, is a dream that is constantly realized with each step.
When will I accomplish my dreams...everyday!



Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[sarah1972]

Dear Jessica -

Happy New Year to you. My this year bring you new dreams, fulfill old ones, happiness, health and a good portion of humor.

Thank you for your ongoing support and your hard work at Susan's.

Have a fantastic 2019!

Hugs,

Sarah

[Donica]

Happy New Year Jess! Wishing you and yours a joyous 2019 Cali girl! I'm looking forward to following your thread through 2019.

Hugs,
Donica.

[Jessica]

I'm so sorry for being lax in my updates of Jess's Mess.
It's been rough the last few weeks.
Entirely missed my 1 1/2 hrt anniversary 6 days ago.

So, congratulations to me a week later.
I didn't think I could do this.
But the many changes physically and mentally have all been so positive, all I can do is smile!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl