Renée's HRT Diary

[ImSomething]

Heyo!

This thread is, so long as I not lose track of myself and accidentally make another one, intended to serve as my log for the progress of my journey through HRT and, with it, transitioning!

So I'm technically on what will be day 12. Almost two weeks in. Realistically, there's not much to report. I don't feel much different. As I likely shouldn't as it takes time for things to progress and build up before they rise up to the surface. I noticed that I felt different psychologically than I usually did when I wasn't anxious but that's more of a thing of me coming to terms and accepting myself, loving myself for who I am and being excited to move forward. Today was slightly weird, though. I could've swore my chest was...not pointier but more outy than usual, if that makes sense. Can that be something I would notice so early or is that just wishful thinking on my part? My skin on my chest and around my nipples felt a little softer, too; my nipples felt just a tiiiiny bit more responsive than usual, but this all could've been anything. I dunno. I'm suuuuper excited for where this will take me.

[Claire_Sydney]

Hi Renee,

12 days in... I really doubt any physical changes have happened yet.  For me, I found some changes in sense of smell and emotion in the first 4-6 weeks.  Pointy, erect nipples are very common early on too.

At about 3 months, you might start to see the very beginnings of breast buds, darkening of the lips, and softer skin.

Good luck, and be patient - it's a long journey.

[ImSomething]

Hi Renee,

12 days in... I really doubt any physical changes have happened yet.  For me, I found some changes in sense of smell and emotion in the first 4-6 weeks.  Pointy, erect nipples are very common early on too.

At about 3 months, you might start to see the very beginnings of breast buds, darkening of the lips, and softer skin.

Good luck, and be patient - it's a long journey.

You see, that's what I thought. Awesome. Thank you for confirming that for me.

[Pisces228]

I had to start wearing a sports bra after 6 weeks because the girls were sensitive and starting to bud noticeably.  It is possible your girls are budding too.

[Laurie]

Congrats Renee for getting onto the roller coaster. The ride has just begun so make sure you have the seat belt fastened.
  Things should begin to perk up soon and all you'll need to do is look down to see what direction you are going.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[ImSomething]

Positive update!

Today I had my appointment with a new opthalmologist. I was really dreading going in because all my past opthalmologists put me on topical medication indefinitely and it never effectively made the uveitis quiet for any more than maybe 2 weeks. But this guy is taking a different approach. Which is reallllly exciting to me because I've been dealing with chronic uveitis since I was about 15 (so constantly for almost 5 years now). Aaaaand no new medications for me yet! I'm going to see him again in a month so I can go to his primary office and get a more all-encompassing baseline test panel and decide the best way by which to proceed with treatment effectively. The goal overall is to quiet the inflammation and make it stay quiet forever, if not just long enough to get cataract surgery. But I get another month before any new medications come into play and potentially interfere with HRT! YAAAAAAAY!!

[ImSomething]

Alrighty, so I am three weeks in. Not really thaaaat much to comment on, but a little bit. My nipples are very sensitive now and often sore to the touch, my right much more so than my left. Which is super exciting to me. I'm trying to just let time pass and not obsess about it so that I'm not making mountains out of mole hills (heheh) and imagining changes before they're actually present. But even if it's gearing up to actually make headway, my chest is definitely doing something. I'm reallllllly happy about this.

[Cassi]

Alrighty, so I am three weeks in. Not really thaaaat much to comment on, but a little bit. My nipples are very sensitive now and often sore to the touch, my right much more so than my left. Which is super exciting to me. I'm trying to just let time pass and not obsess about it so that I'm not making mountains out of mole hills (heheh) and imagining changes before they're actually present. But even if it's gearing up to actually make headway, my chest is definitely doing something. I'm reallllllly happy about this.

Good for you Renee'.  I'm 2 days ahead of you with the HRT and I still get amazed at the soreness and puffiness.

[ImSomething]

Heyo everybody,

So anxiety is kind of hitting me hard today and I think I'm getting self-conscious and suppressing thoughts and everything. It happens to me on and off and so I figured I'd post on here to try and keep my head above water for a little bit.

So changes are definitely happening, which is exciting! I'm almost around a month in and there's definitely the beginnings some breast development! My breasts are sore to the touch, it definitely feels hard underneath the nipples, and yeah. Exciting! Also, my skin seems to have changed a little bit. It gets dry much more easily and I think it's softer. I feel like I have a much more chaotic libido at the moment, with moments of absolutely none and moments of my old sex drive level taking prominence.

So yeah! That's kind of how things are going at the moment.

[Cassi]

Heyo everybody,

So anxiety is kind of hitting me hard today and I think I'm getting self-conscious and suppressing thoughts and everything. It happens to me on and off and so I figured I'd post on here to try and keep my head above water for a little bit.

So changes are definitely happening, which is exciting! I'm almost around a month in and there's definitely the beginnings some breast development! My breasts are sore to the touch, it definitely feels hard underneath the nipples, and yeah. Exciting! Also, my skin seems to have changed a little bit. It gets dry much more easily and I think it's softer. I feel like I have a much more chaotic libido at the moment, with moments of absolutely none and moments of my old sex drive level taking prominence.

So yeah! That's kind of how things are going at the moment.

Go for it girl, I started on the 3rd - Yabba Dabba Boobs

[Myranda]

Heyo!

This thread is, so long as I not lose track of myself and accidentally make another one, intended to serve as my log for the progress of my journey through HRT and, with it, transitioning!

You can actually book mark threads, so that you can find them again easily.

[Laurie]

Hi Renee,

  Yep it sounds like s things are progressing right along. And yes  sometimes things can seen a bit chaotic. ups and down emotions going this way then that. Hold on tight the ride still has a long way to go.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[ImSomething]

So I'm super confused at the moment.

I don't know what it is, but right now I'm feeling super uncomfortable with this development. Like, there's an aspect of me that likes this but there's another aspect of me where I look down and feel almost instant fear. Could it be my anxiety? Recently I've been fighting with myself in my head because I'm DEATHLY afraid of being judged by people. I tend to be a people pleaser and almost never a self pleaser. All along this process over the past year, I've been juggling not only what I want, but also what my mind tells me that everyone else wants. And it's super painful, because as soon as I start to think that I will be judged by someone--anyone for being myself, I shut down and suppress. Heavily.

But I don't know what this feeling is right now. I'm just confused and every time I look down excitedly I end up looking away in panic. This is what I wanted. And to an extent, this is still what I want. I can't see what's making me feel so weird about this. Could it be me suppressing? If I remember correctly, this bad feeling I get concerning my medical transition has been getting steadily worse. When I started this process, it wasn't there. When I started to feel the effects and notice some changes, I don't remember feeling weird at all. Over time, I would notice pain from my breasts and all of a sudden there was a twinge of distaste. And then I can't remember. I don't know. I don't get it. I'm so confused. I still get excited for what's going on with my body changing and then my mind shuts it down. It's like I'm having a battle with my trans self versus my fearful self. I'm just...I don't know. This has me in a panic. I find that I'm switching from excited to panicked and back even as I type some of these sentences.

Any advice anyone can give would be appreciated.

[ImSomething]

So I'm starting to think more and more that my panic is a result of fear. The severity of my anxiety and panic concerning the changes in my body forced me to do some soul-searching immediately and I found I do still have the desire to medically transition. I just also have this fear response. I have a similar excitement and fear dynamic with other things. Like wearing makeup. I reallllly want to wear makeup, particularly because it makes me feel more feminine. I often get really excited at the prospect of finally wearing makeup, but then I remember what society expects of me based on my gender assigned at birth and that other people exist around me and I'm suddenly very afraid. I experience this kind of fear dynamic even outside of wanting to transition, like with performing music on my own, so I know this is a problem I have. The other thing is I might have some suppressed homophobia that I took on as a coping mechanism all those years ago that's still buried beneath my fear and feelings. There's an LGBT group on campus that I've talked with my counselor about for months and I've been meaning to go find them, but for whatever reason I'm hesitant and kind of fearful.

[Dena]

It will become more difficult emotionally as you approach the day where you first appear in public as yourself. The worst day will be the first time you walk out the door but things will change after that. You will discover that for the most part, people won't pay any attention to how you appear and you will be able to roam in public even freer than you currently do. This is almost completely in our head and the best way to deal with it is head on. Campus groups are a good idea because you might find somebody else who can accompany you on your first few trips out the door giving you support and/or distraction as needed. We all have fear like this however it's short lived if you are willing to face up to it.

[ImSomething]

It will become more difficult emotionally as you approach the day where you first appear in public as yourself. The worst day will be the first time you walk out the door but things will change after that. You will discover that for the most part, people won't pay any attention to how you appear and you will be able to roam in public even freer than you currently do. This is almost completely in our head and the best way to deal with it is head on. Campus groups are a good idea because you might find somebody else who can accompany you on your first few trips out the door giving you support and/or distraction as needed. We all have fear like this however it's short lived if you are willing to face up to it.

Thank you for chiming in. Your words have resonated with my feelings thus far.

On another odd note, I seem to be getting reallllly sleepy all of a sudden? I'm definitely a girl used to sleeping as little as possible, now I'm napping on a consistent basis at least twice a day or more. This is so weird for me. Last semester I got usually about 6-7 hours of sleep a night and I took a fair amount of naps but that was usually to balance out the nights I got more like 4 hours of sleep. Now, I'm getting usually the same amount of sleep and I just woke up from a 4-hour nap. Could HRT be doing this to me? Because this started to develop a week or so ago and this is has never been a problem for me before.

[Dena]

Could be HRT but it also could be due to having a lot of things on your mind. I don't sleep as well when I have thinking to do but if my life is relatively calm, I can sleep for 7 or 8 hours throughout the night. If I don't get enough sleep, I might take a nap ranging from half an hour to a couple of hours. Without Testosterone in your body, you might not be as exhausted at night so your not getting enough sleep. I would recommend a consistent bed time early enough that you have time to get 7-8 hours of sleep instead of turning in when you reach the point of exhaustion.

[ImSomething]

So I'm pretty sure my sleep changes are related to my depression. They started to get better and then I injured the back of my throat, my depression took a nose dive, and I started sleeping more again. Now I have a little better grasp as to what's going on with my throat and I'm not sleeping a lot right now; however, now I need to let my throat actually recover. I'm not noticing any new changes in terms of development yet. I think I'm still losing weight at a steady rate, though, so that's cool! When I went in for my HRT consultation, I came in at 5'6", 186lbs. I'm losing weight pretty steadily but still somewhat slowly. So I'm still happy about that. Little victories.

[PollyQMcLovely]

Before HRT I could and did sleep 12 - 16 hours a day. Now I can push that closer to 20 if I try. I'm like Ralph when it comes to sleeping, a true Viking.

[Cassi]

Before HRT I could and did sleep 12 - 16 hours a day. Now I can push that closer to 20 if I try. I'm like Ralph when it comes to sleeping, a true Viking.

With or without an IV?