Bari Jo's Corner

judithlynn · February 01, 2018, 09:20:45 PM

Interesting app, but very variable., Pictures with me looking grim faced have me at aged 45 and 48. Where pictures of me beaming have me at 75. I am definitely not that old!
JudithLynn

sarah1972 · February 01, 2018, 09:58:56 PM

Very cool! Isn't it amazing what transformation you have been going through in such a short time?

Not sure how good the algorithm really works, I got everything from 36 to 76... Gender started to get correct at about 6 month HRT for me...

I have the same conception btw, I do see a girl much more frequently in the mirror but as often i do still see my old male. At least I am looking in the mirror again, something I have pretty much avoided for years...

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 01, 2018, 03:20:15 PM
So, some good news even though it's kind of silly and unscientific. I was looking at another person's thread and they posted a pict from how-old.net and it showed female. So I decided to test my picture and it came up as female. So then I backtracked picture by picture to find the picture that the software starts to identify me as female. It looks like it started happening Dec 3. I personally still see the boy in every mirror and picture, but gives me a little confidence that something is happening.

Bari Jo

Sarah_P · February 01, 2018, 10:35:14 PM

Well, my before pic was the only one that was tagged male. Every other one was female. Ages bounced all over, starting way too low & getting higher, then lowering back down (my current avatar showed 35 - Thank you!).

Bari Jo · February 02, 2018, 12:46:48 AM

That website is fun, but let's shelve discussion on that here. I remember the discomfort I had after my FFS thread and then I had a very hard time to follow the faceapp thread, and that was my thread! I've had some recent picts that result in male anyway, so yeah, don't want to be reminded.

Bari Jo

TonyaW · February 02, 2018, 09:50:55 AM

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 02, 2018, 12:46:48 AM
That website is fun, but let's shelve discussion on that here. I remember the discomfort I had after my FFS thread and then I had a very hard time to follow the faceapp thread, and that was my thread! I've had some recent picts that result in male anyway, so yeah, don't want to be reminded.

Bari Jo

Sorry for contributing to that. I read everything in one stream and I need to pay better attention to who and what I'm responding to where I'm posting things.

Mea culpa.

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Bari Jo · February 02, 2018, 10:05:59 AM

Quote from: TonyaW on February 02, 2018, 09:50:55 AM
Sorry for contributing to that. I read everything in one stream and I need to pay better attention to who and what I'm responding to where I'm posting things.

No apologies necessary, but you are sweet for doing so. We all got excited by something affirming. I think if somebody wants to continue it in the "passing" category they can.

Last night at group I recounted my HR meeting. Everybody was congratulating and smiling. I'm still having a hard time with it. I'm not sure if I talked about this topic here. Everybody I meet that learns of my transition has been smiling, and happy as if they want to share my joy. I'm kind of weirded out by it. Should I feel joy in this? I feel I need to tell them that to me it's not joyful, but a necessity. If I start though it just brings up painful memories in my mind and I get tearful. I'm learning to say "thank you" at these moments. I'm not sure what I'm expected to do, or if I can do what is expected. Trying to conform feels fake to me now too. Do I need more therapy? Probably.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo · February 03, 2018, 01:03:59 AM

Tonight a neighbor pushed and pushed about me. She kept commenting on my face and how happy I am. She said, whatever I'm doing the wants it too. After a while I just told her the change is from accepting myself. She said she knew it had to be something like that. We stayed and talked a bit. She doesn't know I'm trans, just that I accepted myself. The thing for me though, this time saying I accepted myself didn't feel weird at all. Maybe I've turned a mental corner

Bari Jo

Laurie · February 03, 2018, 01:19:16 AM

The story of your neighbor sounds encouraging Bari Jo. You may have another on your side when you do tell her. And as for the accepting yourself maybe you have turned that corner. I hope that is the case. Perhaps I'll be able to think that thought myself someday. It could happen you know. In the meantime I'll be content celebrating it with you.

Hugs,
Laurie

Allison S · February 03, 2018, 01:21:20 AM

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 02, 2018, 10:05:59 AM
No apologies necessary, but you are sweet for doing so. We all got excited by something affirming. I think if somebody wants to continue it in the "passing" category they can.

Last night at group I recounted my HR meeting. Everybody was congratulating and smiling. I'm still having a hard time with it. I'm not sure if I talked about this topic here. Everybody I meet that learns of my transition has been smiling, and happy as if they want to share my joy. I'm kind of weirded out by it. Should I feel joy in this? I feel I need to tell them that to me it's not joyful, but a necessity. If I start though it just brings up painful memories in my mind and I get tearful. I'm learning to say "thank you" at these moments. I'm not sure what I'm expected to do, or if I can do what is expected. Trying to conform feels fake to me now too. Do I need more therapy? Probably.

Bari Jo

You have no idea I feel the same way! It's really crazy for me. People are happy and excited but I don't feel that way with them. I trust that they do feel that way I guess. It's the reason I don't tell anyone anymore. Kinda makes me question myself, like am I really that messed up?

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Bari Jo · February 04, 2018, 07:42:33 PM

A while ago I mentioned I was going to tell a couple neighbors about me. I've now done that. One neighbor treats me exactly the same. She's the therapist. She's been asking all kinds of questions to figure out my Meyers Briggs profile, funny to watch. I eventually just told her. I like this neighbor a lot (as a friend). She's probably my favorite one. We talk like girlfriends and fellow artists together. The other neighbor is the one that works at the lgbt center. This one asked me guidelines on how to talk with neighbors if they ask about me. I said to have them talk with me. Since then one came up and started commenting on how happy I am and how great I look. After a bit more prodding I told her I had accepted myself. Her daughter is part of the lgbt community, so I knew she'd be safe. Then the next day another neighbor did the exact same thing, almost same verbage. This neighbor I don't get along with. Out of 108 units here, there's only two that I don't get along with. Anyway, I did not come out to her and I had a sit down with the lgbt center neighbor to amend the guidelines to also include thinking of me. Ask the neighbor if they ask about me, if I'm transitioning, what they think about it if I was. And also to only send them to me if they already talk with me civily. I was so surprised to hear these words coming from a neighbor that I don't get along with. It's like she was coached on how to talk with me, Sheesh. I feel weird.

Bari Jo

sarah1972 · February 04, 2018, 08:00:15 PM

Congrats! Overall the coming out to neighbors seems to have gone pretty well! Little odd that people who should know need some additional guidelines.

I was so super nervous when I started telling my neighbors. We are a very tight neighborhood and we have been afraid to lose some great friends over it. Turned out to be no problem and I could finally stop changing every time I went outside.

Hope all your neighbors turn out to be as accepting as mine, but it seems like you got lucky. It will take a few days until the dust settles...

Bari Jo · February 04, 2018, 11:18:49 PM

Quote from: sarah1972 on February 04, 2018, 08:00:15 PM
Congrats! Overall the coming out to neighbors seems to have gone pretty well! Little odd that people who should know need some additional guidelines.

I was so super nervous when I started telling my neighbors. We are a very tight neighborhood and we have been afraid to lose some great friends over it. Turned out to be no problem and I could finally stop changing every time I went outside.

Hope all your neighbors turn out to be as accepting as mine, but it seems like you got lucky. It will take a few days until the dust settles...

Thanks Sarah. I think it will go fine with my neighbors. I wanted to control the speed of the message and content, but I'm along for the ride myself:)

Bari Jo

Bari Jo · February 05, 2018, 11:53:33 PM

I feel like I'm at a turning point of acceptance. I'm starting to feel more like Bari Jo, less like my old self. When people notice anything, like my painted nails I just say yes, I love them. I'm starting to see myself in the mirror too. Growing out your hair does wonders. I havent had longer hair in quite sometime. Hrt and biotin and good care has made it grow nicely with a little curl. I've only had straight hair before. Dare I say cute? I'm still not comfortable enough with myself to post an actual picture of myself as my avatar. I'll get there though.

Bari Jo

Roll · February 06, 2018, 06:53:54 PM

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 05, 2018, 11:53:33 PM
I feel like I'm at a turning point of acceptance. I'm starting to feel more like Bari Jo, less like my old self. When people notice anything, like my painted nails I just say yes, I love them. I'm starting to see myself in the mirror too. Growing out your hair does wonders. I havent had longer hair in quite sometime. Hrt and biotin and good care has made it grow nicely with a little curl. I've only had straight hair before. Dare I say cute? I'm still not comfortable enough with myself to post an actual picture of myself as my avatar. I'll get there though.

Bari Jo

So happy for you that you are able to see your self more and more!! I knew you'd be a cutie.

Allison S · February 06, 2018, 07:00:55 PM

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 05, 2018, 11:53:33 PM
I feel like I'm at a turning point of acceptance. I'm starting to feel more like Bari Jo, less like my old self. When people notice anything, like my painted nails I just say yes, I love them. I'm starting to see myself in the mirror too. Growing out your hair does wonders. I havent had longer hair in quite sometime. Hrt and biotin and good care has made it grow nicely with a little curl. I've only had straight hair before. Dare I say cute? I'm still not comfortable enough with myself to post an actual picture of myself as my avatar. I'll get there though.

Bari Jo

Yes!! My curls (and frizz) are coming through now too and it is cute [emoji4] I feel like small triumphs like this are so important along the way. There's no denying changes are happening!

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Bari Jo · February 07, 2018, 08:31:48 PM

Thanks Allison and Ellie, I really am starting to feel better, less angry at myself and accepting, even a bit happy.

I have a new mention. My cousin who is my genetic half sister (our dads are identical twins) is visiting my sister. I just came out to her this morning so when they do talk about me they will both be on the same page. Her response was the first one I've experience like this. She said she's been waiting FOREVER for me to come out with this. I asked if she thought I was gay or trans. She said trans and she thought I was trans as soon as I was born. Wow I had a trans vibe that somebody saw. I'm not sure why but that makes me feel good. Today is a good day for Bari Jo.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo · February 08, 2018, 10:53:58 PM

I'm starting to realize I may have a female best friend. She's the therapist I mentioned earlier. I look forward to talking with her everyday after work and she always comes out when she sees me. She also knows about me so I can talk about girly stuff and I love it. Today's conversations were about boots and bags. I want to cultivate this and encourage more of it. It's helping me be happy and grow as a person.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo · February 10, 2018, 01:05:03 AM

Hmm, I'm experimenting with makeup. The beard is still too thick, but I'm getting closer to swapping my avatar. I can't wait to restore my hairline!

Bari Jo

What do you think? I updated the picts with one with a better smile. Wow a smile really helps.

Megan. · February 10, 2018, 01:08:04 AM

Looking good sis! Well on your way to a cute pixie bob. Also evious of your immaculate eyeliner, it's my kryptonite! Lol

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Bari Jo · February 10, 2018, 07:56:13 AM

Quote from: Megan. on February 10, 2018, 01:08:04 AM
Looking good sis! Well on your way to a cute pixie bob. Also evious of your immaculate eyeliner, it's my kryptonite! Lol

You said my magic word. I always wanted to be a pixie:) I'm no genius with eyeliner. I actually use very little and blend it in. Every time I try and push the makeup for glamour I fail miserably. I only do subtle subtle subtle now!
OMG your hair is so long. So jealous. Did that take years?

Bari Jo

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