Back in 2007 my family took a road trip to visit relatives in Louisiana for Christmas. We got caught in a whiteout at night in northeast New Mexico. In a rare show of intelligence, 'he' overcame his desire to display 'manliness' and stopped for the night at a rest area - the only one along a roughly 100 mile stretch of road. This was the only time in my life I had to unexpectedly stop and sleep in a car overnight, and I felt as though I had failed my family. Our two whippets curled up on our daughter's laps and they all slept through the night, Susan slept peacefully, and I cranked the engine every 20 - 30 minutes to keep the interior of the car warm. As much as 'he' hated stopping for the night, I now find it to be a pleasant memory.
A week or so ago I got hit by the dysphoria train. Susan asked me what was wrong and I told her that when I looked in the mirror all I could see was 'him'. Susan responded that all she could see was Jessica, which brought tears to my eyes. Later that week I sent her a text:
Me: 'You are amazing. I still don't understand why you stayed with me all of these years. I love you more and more each day.'
Susan: 'I love you, that's why I stayed.'
I lost count of the number of times I was certain that our marriage would not survive. When I reflect on the angry person I used to be, I truly cannot understand why Susan stayed with me. Adding my transition into the mix should have been the last straw. Why Susan stayed simply does not make sense. I hope one day to understand this magical, mystical thing called 'love', because it must be the most powerful binding force in the universe. Now that I think about it, maybe love is just another name for 'the Force'.