Jessica's Rose Garden

[Jessica_Rose]

First, my thanks to @Alaskan Danielle , @sarah1972 , @Donica , @Anne Blake, @LizK, and @ChrissyRyan for their support!

Debi and Tia, I hope the rest of your trip is uneventful. Having a lawnmower suddenly become a hood ornament is not the type of excitement anyone looks forward too!!

I woke up at 4:00am this morning (normal for me). Since breakfast would not be served until 6:00am, I decided to go home. The stars were out, the roads were clear, and there hardly any traffic. It took less than 30 minutes to get home. Susan was still asleep, but I let her know that I was home, and would be happy to make breakfast for her when she gets up. I just finished my breakfast, but soon I will need to clear the snow off our driveway.

My original mammogram was 3D. If a standard mammogram is more painful I will definitely stick with 3D! Apparently there was just one area on the left side of my left breast that they were concerned with. The technician was awesome, the gel they used was warm! After studying the area for about 10 minutes using ultrasound, they declared it 'benign / normal'. I was a little concerned that something would turn up, but I was more concerned that this could delay my GCS date. Seeing the letter from the doctor later that night, and reading 'benign / normal' brought tears to my eyes. I am back on the path, and hopeful that nothing else will get in the way.

Before I left the hospital the doctor mentioned a movie she had seen a few years ago that was awesome, but she couldn't remember the name. After I got dressed and was on the way out, the doctor handed me a note. She had found the name of the movie -- 'The Danish Girl'. The DVD is already on the way.

[Anne Blake]

Jessica,

Over the thirty five years of marriage with Deb I have watched her go through several/many false positives from mammogram tests. It is always a nervous wait until further testing confirms "benign/normal". It seems you have entered into the realm of cis womanhood earlier than expected and for a reason not appreciated by anyone.

Trigger warning for "The Danish girl". It is a very good movie and it tore me up emotionally. I saw it at the theater and while I was far from the only one crying, I was probably weeping the most and the loudest. Just make sure that you have lots of tissues and a strong support around when you watch it.

take care sister,
Tia Anne

[Donica]

I'm glad they didn't find anything Jessica. That would scare the crap out of me.

The Danish Girl. Well you've sparked my interest. Not like I want the emotional tears but I love a good movie. I will watch it. I just watched two very good documentaries. The screaming Queens (Riot at Compton's cafeteria) and Stonewall.

[sarah1972]

So glad your results turned out to be OK. Being stuck in a snow storm does not sound fun, I am glad you still have been able to find a hotel before driving home....

Hope everything else before your surgery will be smooth sailing!

Hugs,

Sarah

[Jessica_Rose]

Back in 2007 my family took a road trip to visit relatives in Louisiana for Christmas. We got caught in a whiteout at night in northeast New Mexico. In a rare show of intelligence, 'he' overcame his desire to display 'manliness' and stopped for the night at a rest area - the only one along a roughly 100 mile stretch of road. This was the only time in my life I had to unexpectedly stop and sleep in a car overnight, and I felt as though I had failed my family. Our two whippets curled up on our daughter's laps and they all slept through the night, Susan slept peacefully, and I cranked the engine every 20 - 30 minutes to keep the interior of the car warm. As much as 'he' hated stopping for the night, I now find it to be a pleasant memory.

A week or so ago I got hit by the dysphoria train. Susan asked me what was wrong and I told her that when I looked in the mirror all I could see was 'him'. Susan responded that all she could see was Jessica, which brought tears to my eyes. Later that week I sent her a text:

Me: 'You are amazing. I still don't understand why you stayed with me all of these years. I love you more and more each day.'

Susan: 'I love you, that's why I stayed.'

I lost count of the number of times I was certain that our marriage would not survive. When I reflect on the angry person I used to be, I truly cannot understand why Susan stayed with me. Adding my transition into the mix should have been the last straw. Why Susan stayed simply does not make sense. I hope one day to understand this magical, mystical thing called 'love', because it must be the most powerful binding force in the universe. Now that I think about it, maybe love is just another name for 'the Force'.

[KathyLauren]

Awww, that's sweet!  Stories like yours bring happy tears to my eyes.

I, too, am constantly amazed that my wife stayed and now supports me.  I was fully prepared for her to leave when I came out to her, but I am so glad she didn't.  I find it hard to believe that she found me loveable enough in the before time to want to stick with me.  But, when she vowed, "for better or for worse; for richer or for poorer; in sickness and in health", in other words, "no matter what happens", she meant it!

I fully respect those spouses who feel that a transitioned parner is not what they signed up for.  But I am so glad that my wife feels that this is exactly what she signed up for.  My journey is so much easier and happier with her by my side.  And I think that our relationship is stronger for her steadfastness and my being free of dysphoria.

I rejoice whenever i read on these pages how someone's spouse sticks by their partner.   

[Rayna]

That's a wonderful memory. Those moments of adversity are what stick, and you did the right thing back then.

The success of your relationship with Susan displays how you two have, and continue to conquer another type of adversity. While the moments of trial will live as memories, your marriage will never be a memory as long as you both live.

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[Donica]

It's love Jessica! Love and family. You have both, and you have all of us that love you too. Love gives us strength and strength gives us courage. You, Susan and you family have all of these traits. I know Susan and your family have fond memories that night in that rest stop.

Thank you for sharing such a warm memory with us Jessica!
Hugs girl!

[GordonG]

A week or so ago I got hit by the dysphoria train. Susan asked me what was wrong and I told her that when I looked in the mirror all I could see was 'him'. Susan responded that all she could see was Jessica, which brought tears to my eyes. Later that week I sent her a text:

Me: 'You are amazing. I still don't understand why you stayed with me all of these years. I love you more and more each day.'

Susan: 'I love you, that's why I stayed.'

I lost count of the number of times I was certain that our marriage would not survive. When I reflect on the angry person I used to be, I truly cannot understand why Susan stayed with me. Adding my transition into the mix should have been the last straw. Why Susan stayed simply does not make sense. I hope one day to understand this magical, mystical thing called 'love', because it must be the most powerful binding force in the universe. Now that I think about it, maybe love is just another name for 'the Force'.

Thanks for sharing a wonderful episode in your life. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful wife.
Yes, Love is very powerful. I truly believe that it is 'the Force'.

[Jessica_Rose]

Grrrr again. I saw my EKG printout this afternoon. Although my primary care physician reviewed it and said everything was fine, the EKG says 'ABNORMAL'. I realize there are probably 6 billion things which could cause an abnormal EKG and only 10 of those may mean trouble, but now I am concerned. I sent a note to my PCP asking if there was anything on the EKG which could delay my surgery, but I won't get a response until tomorrow at the earliest. So much for a good night's sleep...

[LizK]

Grrrr again. I saw my EKG printout this afternoon. Although my primary care physician reviewed it and said everything was fine, the EKG says 'ABNORMAL'. I realize there are probably 6 billion things which could cause an abnormal EKG and only 10 of those may mean trouble, but now I am concerned. I sent a note to my PCP asking if there was anything on the EKG which could delay my surgery, but I won't get a response until tomorrow at the earliest. So much for a good night's sleep...

I know that feeling, everything that happens feels like one more thing to overcome prior to surgery...for me it was a persistent UTI. I am glad that your PCP said everything is fine but it still hard not too worry. Its just another thing to run around in your head that you don't need. I hope you can get it sorted out quickly and easily.

Take care
Liz


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[Donica]

It's probably nothing Jessica! My health condition requires that I get an EKG every 6 months. Some results are better than others but none have ever been cause for concern. I question the accuracy of EKGs. Well, it satisfies physicians so we get them when asked.

[Northern Star Girl]

Grrrr again. I saw my EKG printout this afternoon. Although my primary care physician reviewed it and said everything was fine, the EKG says 'ABNORMAL'. I realize there are probably 6 billion things which could cause an abnormal EKG and only 10 of those may mean trouble, but now I am concerned. I sent a note to my PCP asking if there was anything on the EKG which could delay my surgery, but I won't get a response until tomorrow at the earliest. So much for a good night's sleep...

@Jessica_Rose
Dear Jessica:
Not that I possess any kind of professional medical knowledge, but I have had 3 EKG's in the past and two of them have shown the same message on the the printed report...  "Abnormal" ... and ALL of them displayed the message "low voltage on extremity leads"    

HMMM, my doctors tell me and assured me that there is no problem... just a peculiarity with the EKG machine....   and this has come from two different clinics, one here in Alaska, and a couple years ago on 2 EKGs in the lower 48.

I trust that your followup report from your doctor that you have requested will have the very same resulting words of "no problem"....  you (and we) are all looking forward to your upcoming surgery date... I sincerely trust all goes OK.

Years later, here I am in very good health and I get excellent reports from my checkups....  so Jessica, please stay calm and think good thoughts about your recent EKG test.

All of us that are regular followers of your thread will be eagerly looking for your update report.
Hugs and continued well wishes...
Danielle

[ChrissyRyan]

We are all wishing for good news for Jessica Rose about this "abnormal" statement on the EKG.         I hope you hear back yet today.

Chrissy

[Jessica_Rose]

I still have not heard back from my PCP, but since she originally mentioned that the EKG looked good I sent a copy of the printout to Dr. Ley's office this morning. Hopefully they will let me know if it is acceptable. Now if my PCP would respond to my request for a surgery clearance letter my anxiety level may finally start to drop a bit.

On a separate topic, it sounds like Carl (my brother) may not last much longer. According to my sister-in-law the doctors have decided to stop all chemo and radiation treatments because they will not help his condition. My dad does not think Carl will make it to his next birthday in early April.

Carl is five years older than I am. He tormented me quite a bit while we were growing up, but in my late teens I decided to forget our past. Eventually we became friendly, but it was more like the friendship of two neighbors than two members of the same family. Regardless of our history, it will be a sad day for me when his time comes. Now all we can do is wait...

[ChrissyRyan]

Jessica Rose,


I hope your brother has many good days to share with family.  I know this is a tough time for him and family.

I also hope that you heard good news about the EKG "abnormal status."

You take care.

Hugs,

Chrissy

[Northern Star Girl]

I still have not heard back from my PCP, but since she originally mentioned that the EKG looked good I sent a copy of the printout to Dr. Ley's office this morning. Hopefully they will let me know if it is acceptable. Now if my PCP would respond to my request for a surgery clearance letter my anxiety level may finally start to drop a bit.

On a separate topic, it sounds like Carl (my brother) may not last much longer. According to my sister-in-law the doctors have decided to stop all chemo and radiation treatments because they will not help his condition. My dad does not think Carl will make it to his next birthday in early April.

Carl is five years older than I am. He tormented me quite a bit while we were growing up, but in my late teens I decided to forget our past. Eventually we became friendly, but it was more like the friendship of two neighbors than two members of the same family. Regardless of our history, it will be a sad day for me when his time comes. Now all we can do is wait...

@Jessica_Rose
Dear Jessica:
OH, I do indeed hope and trust that you hear from your Primary Care Doctor soon regarding your EKG and planned surgery....  fretting over it and being stressed out is not a healthy personal action but certainly it is very understandable...  I have had similar medical situations myself, and my mind just spins thinking of all the various things that could go wrong, or be wrong with me.
It can be absolute torture to wait for followup reports and medical tests and procedures.

Regarding your brother, even when we know that a family member or other loved one will soon succumb to their illness it is still a shock when they finally leave us.   Even when the relationship is strained, all of those things are soon forgotten when the inevitable happen....   Blessing and peace to you... with time the sad days will fade as you remember the good things about your brother.
My heart goes out to you and is breaking for you as I am very familiar with what you are going through.

Please keep us all updated regarding your surgery events and also feel very free to vent your grief and sorrow for your brother when the time finally comes.   We will always have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on for you.
Thank you for sharing and posting. We are here for you.

Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

[Jessica_Rose]

Today covered a wide range of emotions...

My PCP finally sent the required documents to Dr. Ley's office today, and I received a note from the clinic that they are reviewing them, but they did not initially get the clearance letter (it arrived several hours later). My PCP also sent me a note about the paperwork, but she did not mention the clearance letter. Her note included this comment:

'Good luck with your surgery.'

I was still thinking 'what about the clearance letter?', then it hit me -

'Good luck with your surgery.'

My path to become who I was meant to be is clear. As a famous mariner once said, 'Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!' In just 67 days I will begin my new journey!!!

Unfortunately a few hours later I received a note from Carl, which put quite a damper on my joy. He wants us to come down within the next 10 days and pick up some things he wants us to have. It is not a trip that I look forward to, because it means he realizes that his time is short. I told him to set a date, and we will be there.

@Alaskan Danielle , your comment about remembering my brother echoes a handwritten letter I sent to my parents today. In part it says:

I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling, but it will eventually fade. Concentrate on the good Carl has done, and the joy he brought to your lives through the years. He will always be in our memories, which will only become more meaningful and beautiful over time. Stay strong.

[Rayna]

Jessica,

Congratulations on getting the clearance letter!

Your letter to your parents is sweet and supportive. You are a good daughter! That is the best we can do: remember why we loved the individual and celebrate their life.

Take care,
Randy

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[Jessica_Rose]

Short version: My GCS date with Dr. Ley got bumped up a bit. It is now 21 February 2019!!!

Yesterday while I was at my electrolysis appointment Dr. Ley's office called. It seems they had a cancellation. They wanted to know how my electrolysis was coming along, so I put my electrologist (CJ) on the phone. CJ said she thought it was looking good, and she felt that I was ready. I received a confirmation call this morning, instead of 5 April my GCS will now occur on 21 February!!!

I have a lot to do, and not much time. We leave tomorrow to visit Carl in Louisiana, and we will return Monday. I have already submitted 'leave of absence' paperwork to my employer and told my manager and HR about the new date. Next I need to make some hotel reservations, then start ordering the supplies I will need. At least now I don't have two months of waiting and worrying!!! Three weeks, only three more weeks!!! Eeeeek!!!