Tomorrow is John's last day. Some time soon I expect the gravity of what I have done will finally hit me. I will mourn John, and thank him for keeping Jessica Rose safe for all of these years. He will always be a part of me.
As mentioned in yesterday's post, I will be sending out a much longer note to my friends and co-workers as soon as the meeting ends. There are 65 people in my address list, but I expect the note to be forwarded to many more. Here is the note I plan to send:
This is deeply personal, so please use discretion before forwarding this note. I am providing this information to friends and co-workers in the hope that it will help you understand my decision. I'm sure I missed a few, so don't be offended if you were not on my original list. As a courtesy to me, if there is someone outside of our company who needs to know tell me and I will contact them.
Today will be emotionally painful, yet it is a day I will always cherish. Something unexpected yet beautiful has happened, and it is time to tell you about it. Any tears I shed are not tears of sadness, sorrow, or shame -- they are tears of happiness, joy, and relief.
This month marks my 12th anniversary at this company. Through the years I have worked with many of you. After working together for so long you usually learn a lot about your co-workers, but there is something none of you know about me. Until a little over a year ago I was even hiding it from myself. Before then if anyone had suggested I would be on this path I would have laughed at them.
For most of my life I have known that I am different, but it was a feeling I could not easily describe. In my early teens social and family pressures forced me to suppress my feelings and emotions. I was unable to express who I am. This led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased through the years. Although my life seemed normal on the outside, there was always a darkness hiding just below the surface. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. Most of you never saw this side of me, but my family suffered through it for decades.
In December 2016 I found a site where people shared their personal journeys. I was fascinated because I saw my life mirrored in so many of their stories: the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I continued reading I had an epiphany -- I found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. I finally understood. All my life I had been trying to live by a set of rules which were not designed for me. I discussed this with a doctor and a therapist and they both agreed -- I have gender dysphoria. I am, and always have been, transgender.
I started this new chapter of my life March of 2017. Since then my cloud of darkness has dissipated, along with my anger. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and happiness. I will hide no more.
Today is my last day at this company. Although I will be back next week, 'John' will not. Over forty years of my life have been spent trying to hide the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now it is time to free my soul from the darkness and allow her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again.
Let me introduce myself, I am Jessica Rose xxxxxx.
There are not many things that can change someone's life more than switching genders, and I realize many of you will be curious. Please don't be shy, come over for a visit if you want. In many ways I am the same person I have always been, I have just had a few upgrades which have made me a better person. I am still working on my voice, and some of the emotions I experience are new to me, so please be patient.
As far as my name goes there are several acceptable options - 'Jessica', 'Jessie', 'Jess', or even 'Rose'. I am trying to make this easy by giving you four chances to get it right! I realize it may take a week or two to get used to using my new name, it will take me some time to get used to it also. One of the most hurtful things you can do when someone transitions is to use their old 'dead' name. It is a painful reminder of the tortured shell we are leaving behind, so please try your best. As long as you are courteous, use the correct pronouns, and eventually remember my new name, I will be happy.
I know there will be questions, so here are a few answers...
- I have the support of my family. They helped choose my name.
- My legal name is Jessica Rose xxxxxx.
- My driver's license indicates my gender as 'Female'.
- Asking about any surgeries is considered rude.
- This is a gender issue. It has nothing to do with sex or lifestyle.
I had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or allowing myself to find peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. It was a simple, yet terrifying choice. By choosing this path I knew I could lose everyone that I hold most dear -- my wife, my daughters, my family, and my friends. Try to imagine how much pain someone must be experiencing to make this choice knowing what could be lost.
I know this will come as a surprise to many of you. I also realize this is something difficult to understand -- it took me over 40 years to figure out. So please ask questions, I want to help people understand. If we can all show some patience and understanding (including me) it will help make this a smooth transition for everyone. Thank you.
