Out to another manager! We had a re-org at work and I got a new manager. I feel lucky because he was my manager about 4 - 5 years ago and we got along very well. I sent him a note last week saying 'We need to talk. I have something amazing and beautiful to tell you about.' I saw him about an hour before our scheduled meeting and he said he was dying to know what it was, but I made him wait. The meeting went smoothly. As expected he was somewhat surprised by my announcement. This time I was able to read through my letter with only a few pauses. I am getting more comfortable coming out, but it will always be emotional. He mentioned that he appreciated the background information, he did not realize that suppressing my true self could cause so much anger. I realize that some people may consider a few of my comments TMI, but I don't just want to come out. This is something rare and beautiful to me, and I don't want to let the occasion pass without educating a few people along the way. The letter is similar to the one I sent my first manager in October, but parts of it are different enough that I wanted to post it.
First let me allay some of your concerns. I love working here and plan to stay until I retire, which will hopefully be another 10 years or so. I enjoy my work, and I consider everyone I work with to be a friend.
There is something wonderful I must tell you about, but first I need to give you some background. Most of my life I have known that I was different, but it was a feeling I could not easily describe. Starting in my early teens social and family pressure forced me to suppress my feelings and emotions, so I was unable to express who I really am. This led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased through the years. Although my life seemed normal on the outside, there was always a darkness hiding just below the surface. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. Although I learned to partially control my temper, the source of my pain remained a mystery.
Life is a journey, and my journey has taken an unexpected turn. Last December I found a site where people shared their personal journeys. I was fascinated because I saw myself in so many of them -- the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I kept reading their journeys I had an epiphany -- I suddenly realized that I had found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. They were not tears of sadness, sorrow, or shame, they were tears of happiness, joy, and relief. I finally understood. I had discovered the truth that I had been hiding from everyone, including myself. I have been living my life under a set of rules that were not designed for me. You know the adage 'The truth shall set you free'? I have hidden from the truth far too long, and it will soon be time set myself free. I discussed this with a doctor and a therapist and they agreed on the diagnosis -- I have gender dysphoria. I am, and always have been, transgender.
I started hormone therapy in March of last year. Since then my cloud of darkness has dissipated, along with my anger. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and happiness. For a long time I was not sure when I would begin my transition, I believed that one day I would wake up and realize my time had finally arrived. I was right. That day occurred last Friday, Jan 29th. On my drive to work that morning I had an emotional experience which was indescribably beautiful. My hands were numb and I was shaking for nearly two hours. I took that as a sign that I am ready. I am now working quickly to complete my initial transition. I expect that by the end of February everything will be in place and it will be time to say goodbye to 'John'.
I have spent over forty years of my life hiding the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now it is time for me to release my soul from the darkness and allow her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again. Let me introduce myself, I am Jessica Rose.
