Jessica's Rose Garden

[Jessica_Rose]

I did two important things today. The second thing I did was to visit the DMV to update the title and registration for my vehicles. I was only able to get two out of three done because I needed the original title from my bank for the third. The clerk was really nice. At one point she asked for my patience because apparently she had never done a name change before, I told her to take her time because I had never done one before either! She also made several comments about how pretty my name was. Overall the visit went pretty well.

The first thing I did was somewhat unplanned, but it is way more important than the visit to the DMV. I had noticed that no matter how happy I was when I left work, as soon as I got home the happiness vanished. I am unable to share my joy with my wife because she is still 'working on it'. It has been 15 months since I came out to her and she has not fully accepted me. This morning before I left for work I told her that she needs to make a decision within the next few days. If she cannot find happiness with me and share in my joy, then we need to take separate paths. If I am not the cause of her sadness then I will do all I can to help her find her path to happiness, but if I am the cause of her pain then there is nothing more I can do.

This was painful, we have been married over 30 years. If the joy of one causes pain for the other, then I don't see how we can both find happiness. I honestly do not know what is going to happen, but one way or the other we need to get past this point in our relationship.

[Laurie]

 Hi Jessica,

  Congrats on the DMV experience. It is nice to hear of things that go right.

  I am saddened however about #1 important event. That is a very hard one for you both. I very much enjoyed my visit with the two of you and was heartened when you posted your pleasure on hearing you wife trying to correctly use your name and gender. You are both wonderful people and I know it can be difficult. without taking sides I hope you both can be happy. You two have been together so long I cannot imagine that you two would possibly split. I sincerely hope you two can work things out. There has to be a great desire from you both to make that happen though.
  I ruined my marriage and regret it happening now. My ex had every right to leave that man she was married to. I know this but it was a difficult thing for me to accept. People do change and you have undergone quite a change. I know it seems like you have waited enough for her to come around, but have you really? Will you regret parting or is it time to throw in the towel and give up? I cannot answer that for you two. All I can tell you was I wish things had worked out differently for me so long ago so that I didn't need to lose my family.
  My wife leaving me was my fault. I don't know that I could have done it differently. I do know the me of back then is different than the me of today and that my dysphoria did have something to do with it. Would it have been different if I had known about it back then? Would my marriage have survived my transitioning? I do not know, but I do doubt it. I will never know that challenge. I do see couples surviving it and I have seen others not.
  All I can do is cross my fingers and hope for the best outcome for both of you.

Hugs to you both,
  Laurie

[Jessica_Rose]

I think we are OK now. My wife told me that I am not the cause of her sadness (well at least not all of it). It sounds like the issue is more likely 'empty nest' syndrome, with a dash of transition for an extra kick in the pants. I posted about the issue in a separate thread here:

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,237239.msg2132588.html#msg2132588

Short version - I told her as long as I was not the issue, together we can overcome anything. We still have some work to do, and we will be doing it together.

[Laurie]

 Jessica and Susan,

  This post has made me very happy for both of you. I'm sorry to hear of that empty nest syndrome issue but I can definitely relate to it on a completely different level. I'm afraid a fair amount of us can not through the children leaving home but in their loss due to non acceptance. When you lose grand kids with them it can really hurt.
  I believe you are right Jessica, together you two can handle just about anything.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Northern Star Girl]

I think we are OK now. My wife told me that I am not the cause of her sadness (well at least not all of it). It sounds like the issue is more likely 'empty nest' syndrome, with a dash of transition for an extra kick in the pants. I posted about the issue in a separate thread here:

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,237239.msg2132588.html#msg2132588

Short version - I told her as long as I was not the issue, together we can overcome anything. We still have some work to do, and we will be doing it together.

Jessica Rose, well, that is certainly very good news about you and your wife.  I am very happy for you both. 
I was saddened by your earlier report that things were not going well between you two mainly because of your transition....  obviously that is a very difficult thing for a spouse to handle.
Again, I am so relieved that you and her have been able to work through this to this point.
Thanks for posting your good news.
Hugs, Danielle

[Alyssa Bree]

I got myself up to date. Yay!!! I loved being able to follow all of the progress you made in one sitting. It was just amazing to see how you managed to navigate all of those milestones so well. It gives me a sense of hope that I can do something similar in the next year or two. Thank you soooo much for so openly sharing your journey!!!


xoxoxo
Alyssa

[Jessica_Rose]

My wife and I had a great weekend. The highlight was having lunch with Tia and Debi again. It is always nice meeting and talking to a similar couple whose marriage survived transition. They were even gracious enough to give us a text copy of an interview they had with Story Corps. My wife read it while we were on the drive home, and I read it later that evening. I cannot thank them enough for being so open to us about their relationship.

Today I had an interesting discussion with my electrologist. Last year the subject came up about electrolysis in relation to planning for possible GCS. At the time she told me her husband was not comfortable with her working in that area on men. After my public transition I teased her that since my driver's license states that I am a woman she should be able to take care of that area now! Well a last week I met her husband again, but it was the first time he had met Jessica. We talked for a bit, then he had to leave. Apparently after meeting me he had a change of heart, and he is now OK with his wife working in that area (but only for me)! At one time she trained as a nurse, and she is not squeamish about it. I am not sure when we will start, but it will be great having someone I trust work down there. It will be a bit embarrassing initially, but I know she will do a wonderful job for me.

My younger daughter will be home this weekend, and on Sunday I will hit the road for Cleveland to meet my co-workers for the first time as Jessica. Hopefully it will help them reset their mental image of me. This is the first time I have ever looked forward to a Cleveland trip! On the way back I will visit my older daughter in Wisconsin.

I think the next week or two are going to be simply awesome!

[Northern Star Girl]

Jessica Rose:  That story about your electrologist and her husband was somewhat humorous.  Since she had been trained as a nurse she has seen it all on many men and women.  It is a little silly that her husband first objected to her working on your private area.... UNTIL... he met Jessica Rose.  It should be affirming to you that her husband changed his mind once your two met.  At this point in your transition journey you need to put embarrassment away... when and if you have GCS, lots of doctors, nurses, etc will be looking at "every" part of your private area and more.

You have a quite exciting schedule ahead of you... seeing your younger daughter this weekend and then hitting the road on a business trip as Jessica Rose and then seeing your older daughter on your way back home.  If I remember correctly neither of your two daughters have yet to meet Jessica Rose...  I think that you did send them photos, right?  That will be quite a memorable event for you and for your daughters.
   
When you meet your co-workers in Cleveland, how are you expecting them to react when they meet Jessica Rose?   Have they seen photos yet.... When and how were they informed that you transitioned?

I am looking forward to your updates about all of this... I am very happy for you and wishing you well.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Jessica_Rose]

Embarrassment is definitely an impediment to progress! Just like going out in public the first time, you know it is going to happen so there is no sense wasting time worrying about it.

Neither of my daughters have met me. They have seen photos and talked to me on the phone, but I think they will be a little surprised when they see me. Hopefully it will be a nice surprise.

My co-workers have seen a small profile photo (head shot) on our internal website and many have heard me on the phone or over Skype, but no one from Cleveland has ever met Jessica. It has been over a year since they have even seen 'him'. I am hoping they will say something along the lines of 'wow', ' I don't believe it', or 'you look amazing'. I don't think any of them realize how different I look. I may even wear a dress and sandals for the first time! I want to leave no doubt that they person they knew has retired and moved on, and that the replacement is even better than the original.

[sarah1972]

Hope you will have a lovely trip to Cleveland!

Co-workers reaction is really very interesting. With me working home office or being at customers, I rarely see more than one or two regulars. So I jumped during our annual customer conference with about 10% of the company attending.

Reactions have been all good but with a wide variety. Anything from asking for to join a selfie picture to not even recognizing me (not in an ignoring way, simply not figuring out who I am.) Most people just said nothing. I was fully treated as "Sarah". I could sense a lot of interest but also insecurity about how to approach the subject which may explain the hesitation to ask. For some I opened a door: When they asked "How have you been" I just responded with "Well, this happened" pointing to myself which made it easier for them to start asking a few careful questions. Out of the 200 or so coworkers, only one asked a few more questions and one of our development partners I used to work with for years asked even more questions.

There was certainly some "wow" and "you look amazing".

I have learned over the last year that it is really hard for people to talk about it. Most are just worried to ask anything wrong or say anything which could make me uncomfortable. Out of fear they just chose not to talk about it at all. I do not mind talking about (most) aspects of my transition. It was a very mixed feeling I had at the end: Yes, I was super happy not having run into any issues. And just being seen as Sarah felt really great. But i would have also expected a little more interest.

Speaking of electrologist: How did you approach the topic? I see mine on Friday and I know I need to start asking too. She has worked with trans patients in the past and does offer bikini area treatments but i am very embarrassed to ask... I am very happy it worked out for you!

Reminds me of being 14 year old and having a tick stuck in my groin area. Of course, the doctor had to be super cute, young, blonde and very pretty. I so wanted a different doctor and was so embarrassed

[Jessica_Rose]

Thanks Sarah! Congrats on your smooth transition too!

Although I dropped by our Cleveland for an hour or two last year, there are quite a few people I work with out there who have not seen me in person for at least four years. I am hopeful that one or two won't recognize me.

I agree that some people just don't know how to react, while others may fear being accidentally offensive in some way. I have noticed that women are far more likely to ask questions than men. I try to be as open as possible about the subject and make them feel comfortable. Sometimes I'll mention the conversation I had with the clerk at the SSA office when she mentioned that she had never done a gender change before, and I replied that it was a first for me too! Showing others that I had a sense of humor about it tends to make them more at ease. I had a dental appointment today and the hygienist stopped a few times so we could talk. I made her laugh on several occasions by telling her about parts of my journey.

For the electrologist I would say something like 'There are some other areas I would like to be free of hair. Are there any areas that you won't work on?' Of course they may respond with 'What specific areas are you referring to?' In which case you are cornered and would need to be more specific. I think in my case I mentioned that I was interested in GCS, but I would need electrolysis in that area. Then I asked if she would do it. Her initial answer was that she would, except she knew her husband did not want her working on that area with men. I am pleased that her husband now agrees I no longer fall into that category!

[Jessica_Rose]

Just a few miscellaneous happenings...

Last week my wife had a dental appointment, so I went along. While the dentist was working on her I was talking to him, his assistant, the dental hygienist, and the receptionist! They all had some questions, and I was happy to answer them. Apparently I am their first client to transition, and none of them knew anyone else who had transitioned. At one point I mentioned all of the 'before' and 'after' photos he had of his patients, and I said he had to hang a 'before' an 'after' of me too! They all laughed, but he agreed. As soon as he finished the dental work on my wife we went back to his office and he took a few photos. The 'before' photo is from about 12 years ago, so the change is even more dramatic. Hopefully he will let me know about the reactions he gets from other patients.

Today for the first time ever I wore something with heels! I bought some ankle boots with 2.5 inch heels a few months ago and decided it was time to wear them. I had never worn anything with heels over 1 inch high before, and it took a little time to get used to them. My calves certainly got a workout, and I was happy to take them off as soon as I got home! Although it felt a bit unnatural to walk on the balls of my feet all day, the boots were reasonably comfortable and I am sure I will wear them again soon.

I also had a conversation with one of my male friends at work, and somehow the conversation turned to clothing sizes.

Friend: 'I weighed around 195lbs for most of my life.'
Me: 'So did I, anywhere from 190 - 200 was normal for me.'
Friend: 'So we have roughly the same body shape.'
Me: (looking down at my chest) 'Well not anymore!'

The comment really caught him off guard and it took both of us a minute or two to stop laughing!

[Alyssa Bree]

Congratulations on rocking some heels! I think when my time comes for that one I will have somebody video it so we can send it in to America's Funniest Home Videos. I am all but certain to fall on my bum/face/everything. I could apply the $10,000 to transition costs!! 


xoxoxo
Alyssa

[Laurie]

Progress Jessica. Let me know when you get to 4+' heels and  platforms are cheating

[Jessica_Rose]

I agree that platforms are cheating, but 2.5 inch heels are plenty for me right now thank you! Still moving forward, another first for me -- today I wore sandals to work! These also have about 2.5 inch heels, but when you wear a size 12 sandal it really does not look very tall. These were quite a bit more comfortable than the ankle boots I wore yesterday. This may be the first time I have ever taken a photo of my feet, and it was only the second time I ever painted my toenails. Yes, they match my fingernails.

So far all of the boots (size 13) and sandals (size 12) I have bought came from Long Tall Sally.

[Jessica_Rose]

Our younger daughter Kimberly made it home from college Friday night -- technically Saturday morning at 12:30am. My wife stayed up to meet her, but I was fast asleep.

Later in the morning we talked for a bit. She reminded me that she had been home over Easter break, so seeing Jessica was not a surprise. We all went out to lunch, then we went shopping. It was uneventful. After we got home I showed her one of the nail polishes my friend had given me, it changes color from purple, to copper, then to green depending on how the light hits it. Guess what color my daughter's nails are now!

I started packing for my trip Saturday evening and showed Kimberly a few dresses I was planning to take (she approved of all of them). I also asked her thoughts on a few denim dresses, and she was comfortable giving me her opinions. In fact the entire day felt normal. Now that I think about it, 'normal' is actually something incredible. My daughter's father is now a woman, and she still loves me. I find that simply amazing.

I am still packing for my trip. I don't know what I will be wearing, so I am taking a wide selection. I do plan to wear a dress on at least my first day at work in Cleveland (Tuesday), I am just not certain which one. I am no longer frightened about going out into the world as myself. I want to make a statement. I want them to know that the former version of me is gone, that Jessica Rose is here to stay, and she wants the world to know. For some reason the lyrics from an old song by Helen Reddy come to mind...

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can face anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

[Laurie]

 Congrats on getting to your new normal Jessica. The day with your daughter was very nice to read about. Made me a bit sad and wistful. I am so glad you have that good relations ship with your daughter.
  btw That's a darned good old song.
  Have a great trip tp Cleveland. Be safe and return home safely.

Give Susan a hug for me.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Jessica_Rose]

My drive to Cleveland took about 20 hours. I stopped overnight in Omaha. Even though I drove through fog or misty rain almost all the way from Omaha to Cleveland, I was smiling most of the way! I think my first day was successful. Most of the ladies gave me hugs, while all but one of the guys just shook hands --  the other one hugged me! The most fun part was our receptionist. She does a really good job remembering people's names, so I had to tease her a little:

Me:'Do you remember me?'
Receptionist: 'You look familiar...'
Me: 'The last time you saw me was April last year, but I have changed a little since then.'
Receptionist: 'Your name is Diane, right?'
Me: 'Nope. Maybe it will help if I show you my old driver's license.'
Receptionist: 'Oh my! I never would have guessed. You look great!'

One person even talked to me for several minutes before he realized who I was. I think most of them were a bit surprised at how I looked. Nine of us went out to lunch, and I was really hungry since I had not eaten much since a big breakfast in Omaha the day before. After lunch we had a team meeting. There were 10 of us, and I was the only female. One of the DBAs I work with commented about my smile, she said just seeing my smile told her that I had found peace. She said that she was happy for me. Only one or two folks messed up their pronouns, and I gently corrected them. After three months I think it is time I start correcting people when they get it wrong, but I will be nice about it.

For the first time in my life I wore a dress in public. I was nervous as hell, but I was not scared. I did take some photos before I went to work. It is not as nice as most of my other photos, but I just had to post a shot of my first day out in a dress.

[sarah1972]

Congrats Jessica! So glad to hear about your successful first day in Cleveland. Funny story about the receptionist.

Love your work outfit, very professional and you look great!

Enjoy the rest of your trip, from now on it will be all smooth sailing...

Hugs,

Sarah

My drive to Cleveland took about 20 hours. I stopped overnight in Omaha. Even though I drove through fog or misty rain almost all the way from Omaha to Cleveland, I was smiling most of the way! I think my first day was successful. Most of the ladies gave me hugs, while all but one of the guys just shook hands --  the other one hugged me! The most fun part was our receptionist. She does a really good job remembering people's names, so I had to tease her a little:

Me:'Do you remember me?'
Receptionist: 'You look familiar...'
Me: 'The last time you saw me was April last year, but I have changed a little since then.'
Receptionist: 'Your name is Diane, right?'
Me: 'Nope. Maybe it will help if I show you my old driver's license.'
Receptionist: 'Oh my! I never would have guessed. You look great!'

One person even talked to me for several minutes before he realized who I was. I think most of them were a bit surprised at how I looked. Nine of us went out to lunch, and I was really hungry since I had not eaten much since a big breakfast in Omaha the day before. After lunch we had a team meeting. There were 10 of us, and I was the only female. One of the DBAs I work with commented about my smile, she said just seeing my smile told her that I had found peace. She said that she was happy for me. Only one or two folks messed up their pronouns, and I gently corrected them. After three months I think it is time I start correcting people when they get it wrong, but I will be nice about it.

For the first time in my life I wore a dress in public. I was nervous as hell, but I was not scared. I did take some photos before I went to work. It is not as nice as most of my other photos, but I just had to post a shot of my first day out in a dress.

[Laurie]

Looking good in that blue dress. Congratulations on the first day in Cleveland. You pulled it off well.

Hugs,
  Laurie