Before my story was selected for live presentation I was asked to make a video. The original file is huge, but I found some compression software to squeeze it down small enough for email. A few members of Susan's have seen it, and I think they all agree that although the text is strong, it pales in comparison to seeing the emotion expressed in the video. I have removed identifying information from the text, but not from the video. For those long-time members who would like to see the video and will agree to protect my online privacy (no forwarding or posting), send me a PM with your request and email address and I will send a copy of the video.
I would have liked to include more detail in places, but I was asked to keep my presentation to five minutes. It wound up being about six minutes, but I don't think I could have shortened it any. My eyes are watering just reading it. I hope to find the strength to keep myself together for six minutes, then I can fall apart. I just keep telling myself 'I can do this'. Here is the text:
Hi, my name is... not what it used to be. I hated being a boy. I wanted to be a girl. I started cross-dressing in the '70's, which was pretty disgraceful. I was caught and punished several times. I learned to suppress who I was. My anger began growing. I started punching walls, the pain seemed to help.
In 1984 I graduated, got married, and joined the military. A daughter arrived in '94, I left the military in '96, and we had a second daughter in '98. As time passed my family suffered through increasing levels of anger. Trivial issues triggered fits of rage. Those who saw my dark side were concerned. I nearly lost my job.
One day 5-6 years ago my family and I were sitting in our car. There was a handgun in the glove box. A misunderstanding triggered a fit of rage so intense I was shaking. I told my wife to shoot me. I almost did it myself. Seeing our daughters in the back seat was all that stopped me from ending my pain.
Our first daughter graduated college and moved away in 2015. The next year our second daughter started college in another state. They don't contact me often. I think I know why.
In December 2016 I found a transgender support site where members shared their stories. Story after story I thought "I could have written that". It hit suddenly. I saw the truth. I had found the source of my anger. In seconds I went from thinking I was just a cross-dresser with severe anger issues to knowing I was transgender. I now had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or finding peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. My decision could cost me everyone I love -- my wife, my daughters, my family, my friends. In tears, I chose to begin a new journey. Imagine the pain someone must be feeling to make this choice.
On Feb 12th I told my wife, she was not very happy.
On October 11th, 2017 I sent my manager a 'coming out' email. His response was perfect. The weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Next I told a co-worker, I cried as she hugged me. The day after Christmas I told my daughters. They supported me. I asked our older daughter why she was crying, she said she was happy I had found the source of my anger. I cried too.
On January 19th while driving to work I became euphoric. It was time. I changed my name. I got a new drivers' license. On February 16th, I told my co-workers:
"Today is my last day at this company. Although I will be back next week, the person you see today will never return. Over forty years of my life have been spent trying to hide the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now it is time to free my soul from darkness and allow her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again. I am Jessica Rose."
I soon discovered that I work with some amazingly supportive people. I made many new friends. In April I decided to tell my relatives. They had no idea I had transitioned. I drove to see them. My fear quickly turned to joy when they all accepted me. My dad's greeting? "I like your boots!"
In May I visited our older daughter. We went hiking and shopping, she even picked out some dresses for me. Before I left she said that in college she had decided never to live at home again, and she was happy to have found a job far from home. My anger had driven her away. She said I am now a completely different person.
My journey isn't over, but my constant frustration and anger are gone. My soul is free from darkness. My parents still love me. My friends are still my friends. My relationship with my family is healing.
When I look in the mirror I shake my head and smile. It only took four decades and a leap into the unknown, but I finally found peace, and a new beginning. My advice? Don't let others tell you who you are. Just be yourself, the world will adjust.
