Last night I had a poignant reminder of who I used to be. It was painful, and it told me some of the emotional wounds 'he' caused are still raw.
Susan was standing in our basement hallway holding Charles (one of our whippets). I tried to squeeze past and hit my shoulder blade on a doorframe.
Me: Ouch
Susan: I'm sorry, did I make you do that?
Me: Sort of
Susan: I'm sorry, I'll go upstairs
She was close to tears, and her expression was one of profound grief. When I saw her face, I started crying. As I hugged her I said not to worry, it wasn't her fault, then reminded her that I wasn't the person that I used to be. She calmed down quickly, and after a minute or two all was well. I told her I would do my best to make sure that I never cause her to cry again.
Two years ago if this had happened he would have been livid. He would have yelled at her and blamed her for everything wrong in his life. Susan would have gone upstairs to the bedroom and cried for an hour or two, and he wouldn't have cared.
In many ways I am ashamed of who he was. The more I think about my past, the more amazing Susan becomes. I have asked her why she stayed with me, and she said it was because she loves me. I don't understand the depth of a love that could put up with the emotional monster that he used to be. Susan deserves better, and I hope to become the person she deserves.