Jessica's Rose Garden

[MarshaJoy825]

Jessica, thank you so much for sending me the link about your story. I will be sure to check it out. Please help me with something. I don't know how to respond to the message you sent me. Also, I don't know how to send a personal message as you sent to me. I am new here, and can't see how to do these things. Please message me again with some help with this! Thanks *hugs*

[sarah1972]

Hello Marsha -

Welcome to Susan's! PM functionality will be enabled once you have passed 15 qualified posts. You are almost there!

Hugs,

Sarah

Jessica, thank you so much for sending me the link about your story. I will be sure to check it out. Please help me with something. I don't know how to respond to the message you sent me. Also, I don't know how to send a personal message as you sent to me. I am new here, and can't see how to do these things. Please message me again with some help with this! Thanks *hugs*

[sarah1972]

This is awesome! You have inadvertently become a valuable and great spokeswoman. What a perfect fit for Transgender Week of Visibility.

Congratulations!

Hugs,

Sarah

I just had an IM session with the Communications Coordinator for our LGBT+ group at work. They are going to send out a note on 20 Nov for the Transgender Day of Remembrance. He wanted to know if it was OK to include a link to my bio and my video from our National Coming Out Day event. I told him that it would be an honor for me to be a part of it.

This is the bio I submitted for the NCOD event:
I have been married 34 years and have two daughters. After serving 12 years in the military and working at a few other companies, I landed at this company. I have been here over 12 years and have been working out of Colorado Springs as part of the Db2 Engineering Team almost the entire time.

Coming out is a pivotal moment in our lives. It not only affects us, but also those around us. Too many people live in fear of others discovering their secret, and that fear often pushes them away from their friends and family -- the very people who could be their biggest allies. Recent studies show over 40% of those who identify as transgender attempt suicide. I was almost part of that statistic. I hope sharing my story will help others find the strength to climb out of the darkness. Coming out is frightening for many of us, but it opens the door to a world where we don't have to hide, one where we can finally be ourselves. There is no greater joy in life than living openly as the person you were meant to be.

"Be who you were created to be, and you will set the world on fire." – St. Catherine of Sienna

...and a link to the video thread
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241752.msg2186579.html#msg2186579

[MarshaJoy825]

Hello Marsha -

Welcome to Susan's! PM functionality will be enabled once you have passed 15 qualified posts. You are almost there!

Hugs,

Sarah

Sarah, thanks so much for the welcome and words of encouragement. I am so excited about being here though with a bit of trepidation.

[Jessica_Rose]

Yesterday was facial laser session #12. It was not as painful as the last one, hopefully that means there were fewer hairs to zap. For some reason the tissues along my jawline feel sore today, almost like a bruise. That has not happened before. Session #13 is scheduled in early Feb 2019.

Today I received a note at work that made me smile. It was unexpected, and it made my day. The note was from our IT HR Director:

As we get close to the Thanksgiving holiday, I am taking a pause to share what I'm thankful for this year.

One of the things I am most thankful for was the opportunity to hear you speak and to meet you on National Coming Out Day. I was moved and inspired by your story and by the strength you showed in sharing it with all of us.

Yes, I work for an awesome company! She also mentioned wanting a one-on-one meeting with me when she visits Colorado early next year. I'm not sure what she wants to talk about, but I am looking forward to her visit.

[Donica]

This is wonderful news Jessica. Could it be your IT HR Director wants to present another spokesperson opportunity?

Hugs,
Donica.

[Jessica_Rose]

That is what I'm hoping for Donica. I enjoy my job, but I have been doing basically the same thing for over 30 years. What I do helps the company, but I would like to help people. Maybe I can do both. Only about a year ago I was scared to death about coming out, now I feel comfortable telling my story to anyone who shows an interest. Education will help make the world a more accepting place.

[Jessica_Rose]

Last night I had a poignant reminder of who I used to be. It was painful, and it told me some of the emotional wounds 'he' caused are still raw.

Susan was standing in our basement hallway holding Charles (one of our whippets). I tried to squeeze past and hit my shoulder blade on a doorframe.

Me: Ouch
Susan: I'm sorry, did I make you do that?
Me: Sort of
Susan: I'm sorry, I'll go upstairs

She was close to tears, and her expression was one of profound grief. When I saw her face, I started crying. As I hugged her I said not to worry, it wasn't her fault, then reminded her that I wasn't the person that I used to be. She calmed down quickly, and after a minute or two all was well. I told her I would do my best to make sure that I never cause her to cry again.

Two years ago if this had happened he would have been livid. He would have yelled at her and blamed her for everything wrong in his life. Susan would have gone upstairs to the bedroom and cried for an hour or two, and he wouldn't have cared.

In many ways I am ashamed of who he was. The more I think about my past, the more amazing Susan becomes. I have asked her why she stayed with me, and she said it was because she loves me. I don't understand the depth of a love that could put up with the emotional monster that he used to be. Susan deserves better, and I hope to become the person she deserves.

[Michelle_P]

Jessica, you have come so far! 

I think that many of us have those occasional 'flashes' when 'he' returns and we become hurtful to others.  It is always something I regret now.  I have been working with my therapist to identify the states of mind that lead to one of these 'flashes', and redirect myself away from them.

There are some parts of our minds that are downright sneaky, it seems!  With mindfulness and, yes, a little prayer, I hope to never harm others again.

Thank you for sharing this.

Michelle P.

[Jessica_Rose]

Just to be clear, I did not show any anger last night. Susan's response was based on years of previous experience about how 'he' would react. She was expecting anger because that is how 'he' always responded to similar incidents in the past. I think Susan was surprised when I showed love and compassion instead of the anger she expected.

One of the other issues I have to reconcile it that as bad as 'he' was, his final act was one of ultimate compassion. 'He' ended his existence so that I could come out of the darkness and become who I was meant to be.

[rachel de Corvus]

Dear Jessica Rose,

Despite your recent posting on Susan's learned response to her expectation of anger, I wanted to tell you that this entire thread is so inspirational to me. Perhaps your honesty with the hard parts is part of what makes it so powerful. I read this whole thread over the last week and look forward to reading more as you share about your life. I am very grateful.

For a variety of reasons, I'd like to write personally, but think I need to wait until I have more posts.  I'll look forward to that time.

Warm wishes,

rachel

[Jessica_Rose]

Thank you Rachel. I do try to post everything I go through, the good and the bad. This is not an easy road for anyone, and I don't wan't to sugarcoat any of it. Susan's learned response tells you how long she had been dealing with his anger and rage. I am ashamed of how he used to be. But this also shows that there is hope for all of us, no matter how dark your world has become.

I talked to Susan about that incident the next day, and it actually helped her realize how profoundly this has affected me. I am no longer the person she married, I am a better person, hopefully the person she deserved all of her life. 

[Jessica_Rose]

Our younger daughter Kimberly drove up from college in Socorro, NM yesterday. She is actually the second-tallest person in our family! I let her go through some makeup a friend gave me, mainly nail polish and lip colors, and she picked out several that she liked. I showed Kimberly the red dress I had posted about a week or two ago, and she wanted to see how it looked, so I decided to wear it again today. Even though it was just the three of us for Thanksgiving, it was perfect.

Susan, Jessica, Kimberly

[ChrissyRyan]

That sounds like the visit is going wonderfully!       

So nice!


Chrissy

[LizK]

What a wonderful way to spend the day. [emoji3]

Liz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Jessica_Rose]

Unfortunately I got some bad news this afternoon. Carl, my brother, had an ambulance ride to the hospital yesterday. It seems his vision is fading, his world is going dark. My dad took Carl a home-cooked Thanksgiving dinner, which did get a smile from him. But he told my dad that he was afraid to go to sleep because it may be a one-way trip. Carl has had a long fight with cancer, but it sounds like the odds of him seeing Christmas are growing slim. I try not to think about it too much, if I do my emotions are going to take over quickly.

[KathyLauren]

So sorry to hear about your brother!   Hugs.

[ChrissyRyan]

Unfortunately I got some bad news this afternoon. Carl, my brother, had an ambulance ride to the hospital yesterday. It seems his vision is fading, his world is going dark. My dad took Carl a home-cooked Thanksgiving dinner, which did get a smile from him. But he told my dad that he was afraid to go to sleep because it may be a one-way trip. Carl has had a long fight with cancer, but it sounds like the odds of him seeing Christmas are growing slim. I try not to think about it too much, if I do my emotions are going to take over quickly.

Jessica,

Oh my.   I am sorry to hear about your brother's health. I wish him the best.

Hugs.

Chrissy

[Donica]

Oh Jessica, I'm so sorry to hear that your brother Carl is back in the hospital. I'm glad he got a good home cooked Thanksgiving meal. All my prayers and best wishes are with you and your family.

Hugs Jessica!
Donica.

[Jessica_Rose]

Carl may get out of the hospital soon, but his kidneys have failed. I still don't know the full extent of his condition.

Last Tuesday I put winter tires on our car. I bought a second set of rims a few years ago so I could swap them out whenever I wanted to. I had been keeping the tires in the basement, so the hardest part of swapping them out has always been carrying them up and down the stairs. I mentioned to Susan that I wanted to try clearing a space in the garage so I could store them there. I was surprised when I got home from work on Wednesday. Susan had been working in the garage all day straightening it up! We worked on it a bit more yesterday afternoon, and now the tires have a home in the garage.

We went up to the 16th Street Mall in Denver yesterday morning and visited a Long Tall Sally store! I only found out a few weeks ago that there was one in Denver, unfortunately they are closing all of their stores in January and will only have an online presence after that. I received a nice compliment from a cashier at one of the stores we shopped at. As we were checking out she mentioned that she thought I was a tall, beautiful teenage girl when she first saw me! She may need some corrective lenses, or maybe the lighting was poor, but I'll take it!

124 days until V-Day!