Jessica's Rose Garden

[Laurie]

Good to hear you continue to heal and sutures are coming out. Oh How I desire those pants fitting right but before that can happen I have a few things to get rid of. Not the least of which is about 30-40 pounds.  Tell Susan I said hi and hope the whole family are doing well.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Jessica_Rose]

Susan and I did some shopping on Monday. We spent a few hours at a huge indoor consignment shop, visited Subway for lunch, picked out a few tops at Ross, then went to my electrolysis appointment. The entire electrolysis session was spent on my chest and down below. Seeing dark chest hairs really bothers me, and I want to be sure the required area down below is cleared before my next round of surgery in late July.

There is still one bruise which has not yet faded away, and the sutures around my 'cactoris' are stubborn as ever. The area where my sutures failed continues to heal, but for the most part it is just a minor annoyance now. I am using the #3 dilator three times a day without issue. I will drop down to twice a day once I go back to work next Monday.

The reality of what I have done still hasn't hit me. Maybe that will happen once the last sutures dissolve, or maybe it will happen when I rejoin my friends at work. I feel like I am still waiting for something.

[Jessica_Rose]

Good to hear you continue to heal and sutures are coming out. Oh How I desire those pants fitting right but before that can happen I have a few things to get rid of. Not the least of which is about 30-40 pounds.  Tell Susan I said hi and hope the whole family are doing well.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks @Laurie ! I had another suture come out today, but I still have a 'cactoris' which is causing some frustration because it is hard to play with a cactus. Even though I could tuck pretty well, my jeans and panties definitely fit better now. I'm certain you will reach you goal. Susan and I send a big hug back your way... (((HUG)))!!!

Susan and I went shopping today. I was a bit low on some of my makeup so we stopped by Merle Norman, the manager remembered me. She offered to give me a facial, but I passed the honor to Susan. For the next 30 minutes or so Susan was treated to a nice facial cleansing, and of course we wound up buying more than just the makeup I needed! Next we were off to Macy's, where we always find some nice, inexpensive jewelry on sale or clearance. We ate lunch in the food court, then I dropped Susan off at Barnes & Noble while I visited Nordstrom Rack -- one of the few places that always has women's size 13 shoes! I found a pair of black ankle boots on clearance that came home with me. Susan walked over from the bookstore and found some tan ankle boots for herself. They weren't on sale, but I never say 'no' to Susan.

Although it seems minor, I had another 'first' today. For the first time since GCS I didn't use a pad or liner. It was definitely more comfortable, and there was no indication of leakage or moisture after around 5 hours of shopping. Sometimes the things we celebrate really seem odd, but they are milestones nonetheless.

[Jessica_Rose]

Yesterday I decided to try dilator #4. I had to warm up with the #3 taper, then #3 before moving to #4. It was really tight, but there was less discomfort than when I moved from the #1 to the #2. The biggest issue with #4 is that it seems to create a vacuum, so removal takes more time than insertion! For those wondering about the difference in dilator sizes - diameter and circumference:

#1   1.02in / 26mm     3.20in /   81.68mm
#2   1.14in / 29mm     3.58in /   91.11mm
#3   1.26in / 32mm     3.96in / 100.53mm
#4   1.39in / 35mm     4.37in / 110.00mm

I also found some bras which I really like. I have a long torso, and most bra shoulder straps are not nearly long enough. Recently Target began selling their own line of lingerie under the 'Auden' name. Their standard 'Everyday' underwire bra is only $10, and the cross-back 'Icon' is $15. The bras fit very well once I adjusted the shoulder straps to their max length.

I bought a few 'standard' bikini bottoms today - I don't need the skirted bottoms now. When we got home Susan showed me a bikini she bought last year. Smiling, I said that I liked it and asked her what size it was. She told me in no uncertain terms that I couldn't have it, then announced she was going to hide it!

We have a therapist session tomorrow. I want to let my therapist know that writing the referral letter was the right thing to do.

I go back to work tomorrow. Now I need to decided what to wear!

[Michelle_P]

Wow, Jessica, you are moving right along on both the medical and 'life' fronts.  Back to work tomorrow! 

Bikini shopping already!  I didn't get my first bikini until about a week ago.  But then, summer and swimming season will be here soon!

[Donica]

Whoohoo Jessica! Congratulations on your dilation progress. Spring is here and the beach is looking good. No bikini bottoms for me but I did just order a cute one piece swim dress. I still have to hide things at least until early next year.

Hugs!

[Jessica_Rose]

Until last Summer I had not worn a swimsuit in decades, probably something about not liking my body. Now I'm loving it! I may be going to Florida again this Summer to take photos at a softball tournament, and I want to be prepared.

My first day back to work was uneventful. I started off with a quick stop at a grocery store on the way to work. I picked up some donuts, cookies, brownies and even a veggie tray to share with my co-workers. All of my friends welcomed me back (maybe it was just the food I brought in?), and it was good to be back. It only took a few minutes to get my new height-adjustable table (a standing desk) set up for work, which came with dual monitors for my laptop! I spent most of the day going through the 5000+ messages I received while I was out of office.

After work I went to visit my therapist in Denver. She basically just wanted to know about my experience with GCS, and she took several pages of notes. She really only had one question for me, which came at the end of our session. Knowing what I know now, would I still do it? Without hesitation I said 'Yes'. Sometimes I do think 'What have I done?' But all I have to do is remember where I came from and who I pretended to be before I started this journey, and the doubt quickly fades. I will never know what my life could have been like if I had been assigned female at birth, or if I had transitioned years ago. I do know that I have finally found peace, and that I have the rest of my life to enjoy finally being who I was meant to be.

I did wear a new dress to work today...

[Donica]

Yay Jess! Getting back to work as the new you. Actually I think "the new you" in inaccurate. It's always been you but now with the new parts you were supposed to have from the beginning.

I love that dress girl!

Hugs!

[Jessica_Rose]

Thanks @Donica ! I found the dress on eBay, it is by 'Rachel Roy'. Their sizing runs a bit small, 'large' is a US size 8.

A few weeks ago I was asked to write an article for my company's next LGBT+ quarterly newsletter. It is only sent out to members of our LGBT+ ERG (Employee Resource Group), so it is a friendly audience. I decided to write about my GCS experience. They already know the first part of my story, and telling them a bit about GCS may help them understand a little more about what we go through. I let one of my friends read it, and she said it made her cry. I only had a week to work on this so it is not as polished as I would like, but I think it gets the point across.

"My journey isn't over... but I have finally found peace, and a new beginning."

I said those words near the end of my NCOD presentation last year, knowing the next step in my journey was on the horizon. Something very private, something people should never ask about, something that will profoundly impact the rest my life. Not everyone who is transgender feels the need to take this step, but I knew I could never be who I was meant to be without it. On 21 February I underwent Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS).

The reality of the surgery and recovery is something most people know nothing about. I had read several first-hand accounts and talked to a few women who had the procedure, but I was unprepared for the experience. Although extremely uncomfortable, the physical pain wasn't as intense as I expected. Mentally it was the greatest challenge of my life.

I won't discuss the specifics, but I think origami was involved. I am glad I was asleep during the four hour procedure. In some aspects it was quite brutal, and it took a heavy toll. Two days after surgery just standing up without blacking out was a challenge, one which I failed many times. The third day I was allowed to shower, and I wasn't prepared for what I saw. Although it was exactly what I wanted, the reality of that first glimpse was almost too much to bear. I was overwhelmed -- deep purple bruises on both sides of my torso and on my upper thighs, extensive swelling, and a catheter taped to my lower stomach. The familiar, decades-old image of myself was gone. I tried not to look. I was so emotionally and physically drained by that first shower that I slept for several hours.

I was in the hospital for nine nights, and most of that time is a blur. There were many 'firsts' during my stay, but most of them are too personal to discuss. It took nearly six weeks for the bruises and swelling to fade, and for me to start feeling somewhat normal again. I also have a new daily routine, one which includes a procedure I must perform on a regular basis for the rest of my life. It will be another month or two before I am fully healed. Despite the discomfort, I know this was the right decision for me.

The most amazing part of all has been my wife. Susan and I have been married nearly 35 years, and my surgery took something important away from our marriage. When we went for the consultation Susan so upset that I didn't dare ask any questions about the procedure! However, she never complained or asked me not to go through with it. After surgery she was by my side every day, keeping my spirits up and making sure I was comfortable. Somewhere along the line Susan realized this was indeed my path to peace, and that it would be a new beginning for both of us.

When I ask Susan why she has stayed with me after all I put her through, the decades of anger and now this change, she always replies 'Because I love you.' I think I finally understand the 'Star Wars' movies – 'the force' they continually refer to, the energy that surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together, is love.

[Donica]

Very well done Jessica! I'm glad the people you work for are stepping up to the acceptance and inclusion of the LGBTQ+ community. History is being made before their eyes.

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

Beautifully written, Jessica!

[ChrissyRyan]

Jessica Rose,

That is a bold, wonderfully composed article you wrote.
Nicely done!

Chrissy

[Jessica_Rose]

Thanks for the compliments @Donica , @KathyLauren , and @ChrissyRyan !

Today was another first -- I wore perfume. I was careful to use just a tiny bit on my wrists, I didn't want people to think I had marinated in it! Driving to work with the faint smell of perfume in the car, knowing that it was mine, was a blissful experience. No one at work said anything, but I knew!

Dilation is getting easier, and healing continues. There is an odd little flap of skin down below that is slowly shrinking away, and there is no longer a tinge of blood when I dilate. Facial laser session #14 is tomorrow. I have resigned myself to the fact that laser will not be able to finish off my dark facial hair, but I will keep going as long as they don't ask for more money. Laser has been working great on leg and stomach hair.

This weekend I will finally get out to the softball field and take some game photos! None of the softball folks have seen me since early December, and there are several new players and parents who have never met me. My #1 fan Danielle will be there with her daughter, so I know I will have at least two friends there I can count on.

[Donica]

Thanks for the compliments @Donica , @KathyLauren , and @ChrissyRyan !

Today was another first -- I wore perfume. I was careful to use just a tiny bit on my wrists, I didn't want people to think I had marinated in it! Driving to work with the faint smell of perfume in the car, knowing that it was mine, was a blissful experience. No one at work said anything, but I knew!

Dilation is getting easier, and healing continues. There is an odd little flap of skin down below that is slowly shrinking away, and there is no longer a tinge of blood when I dilate. Facial laser session #14 is tomorrow. I have resigned myself to the fact that laser will not be able to finish off my dark facial hair, but I will keep going as long as they don't ask for more money. Laser has been working great on leg and stomach hair.

This weekend I will finally get out to the softball field and take some game photos! None of the softball folks have seen me since early December, and there are several new players and parents who have never met me. My #1 fan Danielle will be there with her daughter, so I know I will have at least two friends there I can count on.

Whoo hoo! Glad dilation is going better now. Yes I've always been told electrolysis is more permanent that laser.

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[Donica]

Whoo hoo! Glad dilation is going better now. Yes I've always been told electrolysis is more permanent that laser.

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Have fun with your softball friends. I'm going through bottom HNT for GCS. I rreeeaaalllyyy wish they could come up with a better idea ugh!!![emoji37]

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[Jessica_Rose]

@Donica , Ibuprofen helps a bit with HNT, but it still hurts!

It started off a bit chilly this morning (29 degrees). I bought a new dress last weekend that I really wanted to wear, so I didn't let the chill stop me. At work I received several compliments on it, along with one friend who said 'I hate you!' with a smile.

After lunch I picked up my new glasses, and the optician I worked with said 'that is a beautiful dress'. Once my glasses were fitted, I went home to prepare for laser session #14. I applied a few layers of the BLT cream, then took some ibuprofen. It helps a little, but laser treatments on your upper lip are more painful than electrolysis. The laser operator was really nice, and after the session ended we began to talk. I told her part of my story, then she told me that her 18 year old daughter was planning to transition! Her daughter was seeing a therapist, and they had already started discussing top surgery. We talked about it for at least 15 minutes. I gave her my business card after adding my personal email address to it. I said I would be happy to help her find any resources she may need, or even just lend an ear if she needed someone to talk to.

I found the encounter very timely. Yesterday at work we had a round table discussion with LGBT+ parents, and two of the women on the panel each had a teenage child who had transitioned from female to male. Even though it was a familiar story to me, it was interesting hearing it from a parents' perspective.

...and now for the dress! I realize it isn't a very original pose...

[ChrissyRyan]

@Donica , Ibuprofen helps a bit with HNT, but it still hurts!

It started off a bit chilly this morning (29 degrees). I bought a new dress last weekend that I really wanted to wear, so I didn't let the chill stop me. At work I received several compliments on it, along with one friend who said 'I hate you!' with a smile.

After lunch I picked up my new glasses, and the optician I worked with said 'that is a beautiful dress'. Once my glasses were fitted, I went home to prepare for laser session #14. I applied a few layers of the BLT cream, then took some ibuprofen. It helps a little, but laser treatments on your upper lip are more painful than electrolysis. The laser operator was really nice, and after the session ended we began to talk. I told her part of my story, then she told me that her 18 year old daughter was planning to transition! Her daughter was seeing a therapist, and they had already started discussing top surgery. We talked about it for at least 15 minutes. I gave her my business card after adding my personal email address to it. I said I would be happy to help her find any resources she may need, or even just lend an ear if she needed someone to talk to.

I found the encounter very timely. Yesterday at work we had a round table discussion with LGBT+ parents, and two of the women on the panel each had a teenage child who had transitioned from female to male. Even though it was a familiar story to me, it was interesting hearing it from a parents' perspective.

...and now for the dress! I realize it isn't a very original pose...

Jessica Rose,

Other than the pain, which is discomforting thinking that you are going through more of that, what a lovely story!  Plus, that is a lovely dress on a lovely woman. 

You provide such a wonderful role model, helpful information, and the privilege to hear of your life.  You continue to help people freely and you are so sharing and authentic.  Thank you for being you.

You take care and have a wonderful weekend.

Chrissy

[Jessica_Rose]

Thanks @ChrissyRyan ! Reading the stories of those who preceded me saved my life. They helped me figure out where my anger came from, and their stories lit the path so I could find my way out of the darkness. If telling my story helps just one person, it is worth it. I am just trying to pay it forward.

The softball games on Saturday went well. The weather was great, I had some friendly conversation with a few of the parents (and even one of the umpires), and the team played well. I took fewer photos than usual, only about 3200, but I really enjoyed getting back out with the team.

I had an electrolysis appointment today. We started off in the netherlands (I can't call it the 'south pole' region anymore). That area only took about 20 minutes, then she moved up to my face and neck. After about 25 minutes she was out of targets, so she spent the last 45 minutes on my chest. In 90 minutes she cleared the Netherlands, my face, my neck, and my chest. When I started this journey in January 2017, a 90 minute session wouldn't even have cleared half of one cheek! I still have a ways to go, but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter every week. Outside of our daughters and our marriage, this has been the longest, most expensive, and most rewarding personal project that I have ever worked on.

[Jessica_Rose]

YES!!! One of my cactoris thorns came out today! Hopefully that means the rest will soon follow. It really kills the mood when one of those sutures makes itself painfully known during attempted playtime. Only 11 more to go...

I also got some good news from the Meltzer Clinic. My insurance finally paid for GCS, so they refunded my original surgery deposit. Just three months to go before the final basement remodel!

[Donica]

I love your sun dress Jessica. I have one very similar. It's getting hot down here (low 80's today) so I'm wearing it to tonight's Group meeting.

I remember what Ava went through after her FFS. It seemed to take for ever for all the sutures to come out. Thank God for health insurance. I didn't know your GCS was two stages. Good luck hun.

Hugs!