Helping mom

[TonyaW]

My mom has been very supportive so far but is having, not sure the right word even, issues, concerns, questions, troubles (is there one word that covers all these?).
Enough  so for her to buy me a plane ticket to see her in person. She's in Arizona, I'm in Wisconsin .  She has seen me twice since I came out to the family,  once in person shortly after that at about 4 months HRT but about a month before i csme our ar work and went full time.  The other time was a Skype call at Christmas, 10 months HRT and 4 months full time

I think there are some other minor things but one of the big two is about not noticing or picking up on my issues when I was a kid.  I think I can explain that stuff to her.
She wasn't supposed to know and if she didn't pick up on it then I did a decent job of hiding it.

The one I don't know how to help with is as my sister put it, "she says she needs some "closure" to move from Tim to Tonya.  In some ways this is like "Tim" has "died" – she had two sons, now has one (of course she has three daughters instead of two).  That's a bit of overstatement but much like they say you need time to mourn a marriage after a divorce".

For some of you the "he is dead, long live her" approach is the way to go as you were quite unhappy pre-transition, but that really wasn't the case for me.  I was generally happy,  but with that always there constant nagging that something was not quite right.  I'm sure the generally happy part played a huge role in me not doing anything about that nagging sooner.

No I don't like to be called by it now, but the term "deadname" doesn't really fit for me.
I'm not trying to forget my past or erase Tim, too much of it (50+ years) and a lot of it good, so I don't want to. 

So is there a better way to put it than Tim is dead?  It's right in some sense, but not right in that I'm still here, but (hopefully) nicer,  better looking, and better smelling with at least some semblance of inner peace that was missing before.

I think writing out has has helped me get a start on it but really would like to know what others of you have done or said. 

Thanks

Tonya


Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[Lady Sarah]

My mom has been very supportive so far but is having, not sure the right word even, issues, concerns, questions, troubles (is there one word that covers all these?).
Enough  so for her to buy me a plane ticket to see her in person. She's in Arizona, I'm in Wisconsin .  She has seen me twice since I came out to the family,  once in person shortly after that at about 4 months HRT but about a month before i csme our ar work and went full time.  The other time was a Skype call at Christmas, 10 months HRT and 4 months full time

I think there are some other minor things but one of the big two is about not noticing or picking up on my issues when I was a kid.  I think I can explain that stuff to her.
She wasn't supposed to know and if she didn't pick up on it then I did a decent job of hiding it.

The one I don't know how to help with is as my sister put it, "she says she needs some "closure" to move from Tim to Tonya.  In some ways this is like "Tim" has "died" – she had two sons, now has one (of course she has three daughters instead of two).  That's a bit of overstatement but much like they say you need time to mourn a marriage after a divorce".

For some of you the "he is dead, long live her" approach is the way to go as you were quite unhappy pre-transition, but that really wasn't the case for me.  I was generally happy,  but with that always there constant nagging that something was not quite right.  I'm sure the generally happy part played a huge role in me not doing anything about that nagging sooner.

No I don't like to be called by it now, but the term "deadname" doesn't really fit for me.
I'm not trying to forget my past or erase Tim, too much of it (50+ years) and a lot of it good, so I don't want to. 

So is there a better way to put it than Tim is dead?  It's right in some sense, but not right in that I'm still here, but (hopefully) nicer,  better looking, and better smelling with at least some semblance of inner peace that was missing before.

I think writing out has has helped me get a start on it but really would like to know what others of you have done or said. 

Thanks

Tonya


Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

It sounds like Tim is moving out, and Tonya is moving in (of your mother's life, that is). Sometimes, mothers can have trouble with a life change like that. It will take time.

Sent from my NS-P10A7100 using Tapatalk

[Evienne]

I mean there is always the classic "that me is no more, this is the new me now."

If you wanna try an empathetic approach then maybe "I have always been and will always be your child, but this is who I need to be now."

If you wanna try a more down to earth approach you could say "I love you, but I can't be the way you have always seen me anymore. I need to do this for me."

If you wanna be a jerk you could be like "Shut Up and accept me already," but I don't recommend that XD


Ps. Is it snowing for you today? I'm in Wisconsin too and it's quite snowy today.

[Devlyn]

To borrow Cindy's words: Tim was a strong man. He carried both of you to a high place from which Tonya could take flight. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[TonyaW]

My mom gets it in theory and wants to get it overall.  It's abstract for her yet because she does not see me often.  My sister says that's why she wants me to visit rather than a long phone call. 

So there won't be anything confrontational this weekend and hopefully spending a couple days with Tonya will start her on the way. Anything else I can do or say to help her out I'm all for.

Sam, you must be north.  It's raining and windy and generally nasty by me but at least it's not snowing. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[Evienne]

Sam, you must be north.  It's raining and windy and generally nasty by me but at least it's not snowing. 

You would be right. It is pretty though at least.

[TonyaW]

To borrow Cindy's words: Tim was a strong man. He carried both of you to a high place from which Tonya could take flight. 

Hugs, Devlyn

I'd have to change that to strong person.

Don't think you meant it that way but to me it implies that I was a man and now I'm not .  I've been female all my life, but now am living as my true gender rather than physical gender.

How to better explain that to a someone that is not trans is my question. 

I think my mom understands it on an intellectual level but needs a little more help.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[KathyLauren]

Tim had a difficult job to do.  He had to protect Tonya and keep her safe until it was safe for her to be free.  He did the job well, but now his job is finished.  He has retired.

[Mary1]

I'd have to change that to strong person.

Don't think you meant it that way but to me it implies that I was a man and now I'm not .  I've been female all my life, but now am living as my true gender rather than physical gender.

How to better explain that to a someone that is not trans is my question. 

I think my mom understands it on an intellectual level but needs a little more help.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

In vows you said husband and wife.   


Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk