How to respond to men who question your gender (for stealth post-op)

[jade]

Hi ladies,

I am after some genuine advice for some real life situations...Those of you who are experienced and passable post-ops who have a long history of being sexually active and dating straight cis men...I need your wisdom.

(Provided you identify as a stealth woman) After you have had a date and/or intimacy with a straight cis guy, how do you respond to comments/questions as below (if you receive such remarks about yourself)?

- "Are you transgender?" (this is the guy who sends you the random awkward text after your date/encounter or the next day)

- "But your p*ssy felt different" (the guys who insist and carry on like a broken record after you reassured him you are a woman)

- "I went to school with this person or I know someone who went to school with this person and they became a girl, got the boobs and the vagina, they look like an identical female etc..." (This is the type of guy who brings up a sub story about real or fiction trans person to test your reaction or basically indicating "i know what you are, come out to me" without them directly saying it to your face)

Perhaps some of you think I have dealt with douche bags and may question why I am putting myself in these situations. I guess my dilemma is...I like dating and I am into straight cis men but I really do not like telling. I find that i lose interest in guys who clock me and I do not feel attracted to them anymore. I feel like the magic gets spoilt. I guess the ones who figure it out also lose interest but they do not just leave it at that, they carry on. I understand the risks associated about telling and not telling but who i am today is irrelevant to what answers they are after. I feel confident at this point of my life where I do not feel like I owe cis people an apology or explanation for who i am. Having said that, it really throws me off and makes me feel down about myself when i get questioned like this. These type of comments make me feel like I have failed myself and I start to experience self image issues and think of more surgeries and procedures. I just wish cis people would really stop asking us these nuisance questions. If they clock, why don't they just move on without being offensive? Even the ones who pretend they are experts on the topic because they know the word "trans" or they say they have no problem, they still ask the same questions. Are you? Are you not? ("Tell me, because i am entitled to know!" attitude). I guess I cannot tolerate this cis-entitled mentality and I do have a big issue with that.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you xo

[Dani]

My past is nobody's concern unless I develop a personal relationship. If I am going to get personally involved with someone, then the full  and absolute truth is necessary or the relationship will not survive and possibly myself as well. 

[Julia1996]

Personally I would never get involved with a guy without telling him I'm trans. I wouldn't want the problems that would come from a guy finding out later. It can also be very dangerous trying to deceive a guy. But that's just me. If guys are asking if you're trans I would try to find out what's getting you outed. You mentioned that guys have said your vagina doesn't feel right. I would have a consult with a Dr who does SRS and ask what improvements can be made. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Please be safe.

[echo7]

Jade, when are you getting clocked?  Is it only after sex? Or are you getting clocked before that? If it's only after sex, then I suppose you may need to seriously consider a revision. If it's before sex, then you will need to find out what exactly it is about you that's getting you clocked.

[chinee]

Jade, when are you getting clocked?  Is it only after sex? Or are you getting clocked before that? If it's only after sex, then I suppose you may need to seriously consider a revision. If it's before sex, then you will need to find out what exactly it is about you that's getting you clocked.

I agree with echo7. These questions are being asked most of the time because they already had a hint in the back of their minds. I myself is living in stealth and been in a relationship with couple of times with straight men who never knew about my past. I had an experience before with a man who somehow had the idea also that I was trans but it was because he had dated a stealth trans girl previously also.

[jade]

 I do not get comments about my other features. I do get complimented that I am beautiful. The men who have clocked me usually say "it feels different" referring to the feeling of my vagina. I had colovaginoplasty originally, i am aware that makes it tighter than a cis vagina. I also think i have some scar tissue down there internally. Because I initially had to have a few revisions to improve function, I am not considering a revision on the internal feeling, i don't want to mess with my function. I would only get a revision on the exterior.

[jade]

Personally I would never get involved with a guy without telling him I'm trans. I wouldn't want the problems that would come from a guy finding out later. It can also be very dangerous trying to deceive a guy. But that's just me. If guys are asking if you're trans I would try to find out what's getting you outed. You mentioned that guys have said your vagina doesn't feel right. I would have a consult with a Dr who does SRS and ask what improvements can be made. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Please be safe.

Are you post-op?

[jade]

I began HRT at 16, had SRS at 18. I am in my early 30's now. I get told i am pretty. I never used to get clocked to this extent until the last few years. I am finding that this is happening more since all the trans stuff has come out on the media with Caitlyn Jenner and the other personalities appearing on the news. I feel like it is on people's radar now due to all the exposure on the media has made cis people more cluey about what to look to out/clock/expose us.

[jade]

My past is nobody's concern unless I develop a personal relationship. If I am going to get personally involved with someone, then the full  and absolute truth is necessary or the relationship will not survive and possibly myself as well. 

I respect that is your decision. As mentioned above, i am really not comfortable about disclosure.

[jade]

I agree with echo7. These questions are being asked most of the time because they already had a hint in the back of their minds. I myself is living in stealth and been in a relationship with couple of times with straight men who never knew about my past. I had an experience before with a man who somehow had the idea also that I was trans but it was because he had dated a stealth trans girl previously also.

I do not get comments about my other features. I am 5'8", feminine face with no FFS and curvy body. I do have breast implants and some bodywork but I do get complimented that I am beautiful. The men who have clocked me usually say "it feels different" referring to the feeling of my vagina. I had colovaginoplasty originally, i am aware that makes it tighter than a cis vagina. I also think i have some scar tissue down there internally. Because I initially had to have a few revisions to improve function, I am not considering a revision on the internal feeling, i don't want to mess with my function. I would only get a revision on the exterior.

[jade]

Jade, when are you getting clocked?  Is it only after sex? Or are you getting clocked before that? If it's only after sex, then I suppose you may need to seriously consider a revision. If it's before sex, then you will need to find out what exactly it is about you that's getting you clocked.

Lookswise, I attract a lot of attention from straight men and i get told i am very beautiful etc. I am not suggesting the clocking happens every single time, but it has happened a few times lately. But the clocking business is usually after intimacy, the comments are around "your p*ssy feels different", "something did not feel right". I do not have a problem having sex though. It is just the feeling they feel which i cannot relate to.

[jade]

I had stopped with cosmetic surgeries and procedures but looks like i am going to look into getting more things done.

[chinee]

I myself gets comments like "you are tight down there" but it was never been a center of the topic rather more of a complement. And they never bother to ask me about it ever. I think sometimes overthinking and showing you get caught off guard / feeling guilty makes you clockable. Maybe you need to practice how will you react on these things when you get these questions again in the future haha.

[Mendi]

Wheter to tell or not to a partner, guess it depends a bit on age. I'm such an age, that I possibly cannot hide my past completely. Just not possible.

I somehow feel a bit depressed, that even though I am a woman, this body will stay transwoman body till the end. I have to tell possible partners that I'm trans, if any comes along.

Would be way too scared to hide that.

[echo7]

If you've never had FFS, that could be why you're getting clocked. I don't think a tight vagina alone would get anyone clocked. I understand you transitioned early, but even if it was at 16, that means you had as many as 7 yrs of testosterone during your formative years.

Janet Mock also had SRS at 18, and maybe 10 yrs ago she wouldn't have gotten clocked, but these days she looks pretty obviously trans, even though she looks beautiful.

I believe FFS is a mandatory requirement for living in stealth, especially these days where everyone has greater awareness of transgender people.  That is, unlesss you're like Nicole Maines and avoid male puberty 100% completely.

[KarlMars]

I personally think that if a man was valuing you as a person he wouldn't be put off about the way your sex organs feel to him.

[Laurie]

     This inappropriate conversation ends here. Topic locked for review 

[Mariah]

 
Folks when you have an issue with a post instead of arguing over it please oh please just report the post so we can look into it. I can understand many have different opinions and feelings on the issue and after all the main goal is to help the person who started the thread in the first place. Thread locked due to TOS 5, 9, 10, and 15.