Apr 28 – the dark side.
Here I am – pretty much two years ago I joined Susan's.
And I should be thrilled. My wife stuck around, I have a beautiful kid, I am full-time and out to almost everyone, and I have yet to experience any adverse reaction. I have a good paying job and over the last few months have been gendered correctly – even by strangers – almost 100%.
I should be dancing, singing and be just my happy self. And on the outside, I am for the most part.
Behind all the pretty dresses and the makeup, there is a different world. One where I am feeling almost as bad as 2 + years ago. A world where I curl up in my bed crying at random times of the day. A world where I am stuck and depressed. And a world where I make no progress. Nowhere.
Over the past few weeks, it has reached a tipping point where I am considering myself to be barely functional. Where really bad thoughts came back; thoughts I had hoped I had left behind. In a nutshell – another severe episode of depression.
I am still not sure of the source or the trigger this time, and there are multiple components to it. Earlier this year I had to endure some pretty severe emotional abuse on a work assignment. It was not trans related, but I ended with a ten-day episode of the worst migraines ever. Initially, I did not think much about it, but I later realized that this had brought back long-buried memories of an emotionally abusive relationship (my only bad one I have had).
Then puberty kicked in with a vengeance. My physical appearance became a huge issue and the 10 lbs I have added since the beginning of the year. I had kept my weight somewhat stable for almost a year. Not where I wanted it, but at least stable. I hate not having curves, and when I got a few new bras, I realized that after 15 months I had not even made it to an A cup. Typical 14-year-old stuff. And more drama I will not share but instead try to drown in cold showers.
Add to this that I continually feeling exhausted and tired.
My transition progress is stuck. Name/gender change is a nightmare several years out unless Germany finally changes some laws. While I initially thought I would not get any genital dysphoria, now I really want to have surgery. Also several years out.
I have big fears of not being healthy enough to enjoy my time as Sarah and to be fit enough for surgery.
I always feel guilty for the pain I have inflicted on my wife. She is trying so hard to be supportive, but I do now she hurts very much.
Work is not going to well either; I am struggling with being asked to pretty much only do background administrative work which is a waste of my talents. So I have a hard time motivating myself. And I used to be an 80 hour/week person.
All of these struggles, in the end, lead to me not having energy, and of course, things are piling up left and right.
I am trying to pull myself out of this. Joining the Gym was one step to help get fit for the future, get my body in better shape, and hopefully, physical activity is supposed to fight depression. My Therapist has unfortunately not been too helpful.
Sorry for dumping this mess on all of you. Maybe writing down my thoughts helps sorting things out.
I am not sure how to continue this journey; I also cannot go back from the mess I created.
