I'm on this diet ... I've lost about 110 lbs since last March; but I still have about 13 lbs to lose, and it's proving to be very difficult. I'm not bragging, girls; if I had to do this again, I don't think I could. My motivation has been to stay out of the plus-size sections. I want to buy pretty clothes, clothes made for women of my height. Evenso, there are a few shops that won't cater to me; testosterone has made me an XL (it's the shoulders), and some stores don't sell to XLs. But most do.
Weekends are my days to eat and drink what I want, within reason. During the week, I try to be strict with myself; on weekends, I guess I go a little crazy. Today, I'm drinking my signature low-calorie alcoholic drink (rum & diet coke), eating popcorn and watching a movie I've seen several times. And that's what motivates me to write.
"Private Benjamin" (1980) is a Goldie Hawn vehicle and a bit of fluff, cinematically speaking; and yet, this morning it has moved me to tears. The first thing to notice is Goldie Hawn herself. This cis woman has no chest! Seriously. The next time you feel like despairing over your deficiency in the boob department, take a look at Goldie Hawn. She got short-changed, just as we did. But it didn't stop her from having a full and rewarding life.
Something else ... I'm a transbian, never attracted to men – well, other than the obligatory homosexual fantasy at age 14 – but this movie ... before I knew who I was, I used to watch this movie and imagine I was Armand Assante. So over-the-top gorgeous. This morning, I'm wanting to be Goldie Hawn – not because I want to sleep with Assante (seems kind of ridiculous); nevertheless, I *do* understand the attraction. He's so *male,* so over-the-top staff to my distaff. Although I don't feel anything for him sexually, some part of me goes, "Wow, give me some of that." I would love to be adored by someone who is so obviously a babe.
It's a little confusing; but I'm able to laugh at it, nonetheless. I'm 60 years old, there is no romance in my future (been there, done that); at the moment, all I want is to live my life as a woman and in peace.
I hope life doesn't have other plans.
