How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?

[PollyQMcLovely]

I won't go into why it took me so long to consider it, but when I finally started kicking around the idea of transitioning I quickly became obsessed with the idea of SRS. I've hated my male genitals my whole life, I've never wanted to use them, and never taken pleasure in them ever, I hate them and hate getting erections, and hate the role their presence insists I inhabit. There are many other reasons I'm happy to be on this path, but I would still be focused on getting a vaginoplasty even if everything else had to stay exactly the same.

[EvaT]

I realized there was something different about me when I was around 6 -7 years old. But I accepted that I was trans when I was about 15 years old. That's when things got very severe. I thought these feelings were gonna go away at some point, but it never did.

[big kim]

There were clues all through my child hood but it took a while to put them together. I hated boys haircuts sports etc. I would often dream of starting a new school as a girl. I went to an all boy's junior school & other kids were terrified of being picked to act the girl's part in the annual play. I couldn't see what the fuss was. I was 14 when an older boy at school rode past on his BSA motorbike, with his girlfriend on the back, arms round his waist, long blonde hair streaming out from under her crash helmet. My friend wished he was the boy, I wanted to be the girl.
6 years later, just after my 21st birthday & I was working on my Triumph in a freezing garage. I did 30 minutes on, 10 off it was so cold. I picked up the paper & it was like a bucket of icy water was thrown over me. I read a lurid story of a woman who was previously a burly sailor & her life was so similar to mine. I couldn't do it, I had zero self esteem, no confidence & was already a heavy drinker using speed weed & coke. My intake of drugs & alcohol went up as I blotted it out for the next 10 years
By 1989 I knew I must do it soon, I was heading for the cemetary. I set the kitchen on fire making chips drunk, fell through a glass door off my face on coke. After being threatened with being sectioned by a psychiatrist I started self medicating, cut back on my drinking & drug use, started electrolysis & growing my hair out. In October 1991 I went full time, op in December 1994

[Sarah_P]

I realized it in a sense around 12 or 13. Acceptance took until I was about 35 or so. I was crossdressing in private since I was 15, but I somehow managed to convince myself I didn't want to actually BE a woman. Once I realized the truth, it still took 7 years to finally realize I couldn't go on like this, all the while telling myself I couldn't do it because I was too tall, too ugly, too deep a voice, etc...  Which all seems so utterly ludicrous now.

[flightlessbird]

Basically as soon as I learned transition was possible I knew it was right for me. I'd seen a promo for a special on some channel about transgender surgery when I was 10 or so. In college I found a social group that felt right for me to come out in and went from there.

[AJ3721]

I've always been a tomboy. I even spent a couple weeks at camp when I was 9 trying to get everyone to call me by a boy's name. I've had random thoughts over the years such as seriously contemplating what it would be like to have a penis. Which I always figured wasn't "normal" so I never told anyone. I never really thought seriously that I might be something other than what I was born. Then a couple weeks ago my friend and I signed up for a comic con and I decided to cosplay a male character. It started as a joke, but then I got really into the idea. Like, I could totally be a guy! For years I've been telling people I feel like I should be a gay guy. It just happened to come up in a chat with an online friend last week and she said, "Like you're transgender?" And I was like, What? That's a thing? OMG. That's me! I feel like a huge lightbulb has gone off!

[Atreyu]

I always felt male, always wanted to be accepted as male, went online and immediately identified there as male (at age ten!) And that continued until I was about 19

It was only when a friend told me that transgender was a thing that I began to research it...


So it was never realising that I was trans. It was realising that there was a word/term for what I was and that I wasn't the only one out there.

[PurpleWolf]

I've always been a tomboy. I even spent a couple weeks at camp when I was 9 trying to get everyone to call me by a boy's name. I've had random thoughts over the years such as seriously contemplating what it would be like to have a penis. Which I always figured wasn't "normal" so I never told anyone. I never really thought seriously that I might be something other than what I was born. Then a couple weeks ago my friend and I signed up for a comic con and I decided to cosplay a male character. It started as a joke, but then I got really into the idea. Like, I could totally be a guy! For years I've been telling people I feel like I should be a gay guy. It just happened to come up in a chat with an online friend last week and she said, "Like you're transgender?" And I was like, What? That's a thing? OMG. That's me! I feel like a huge lightbulb has gone off!

That sounds awesome,  !

[PurpleWolf]

I was 14 when an older boy at school rode past on his BSA motorbike, with his girlfriend on the back, arms round his waist, long blonde hair streaming out from under her crash helmet. My friend wished he was the boy, I wanted to be the girl.

You just described my dream at 14-16  !!! (And I wanted to be the boy for sure.)

[Kylo]

There are some residual issues still to deal with.

For example although I personally haven't changed inside now I get referred to as a gay man sometimes, which is weird. I don't care, it's just alien to me. And not because I don't know gay men. I know lots of gay people. It just doesn't make sense to me much. In the same way being treated all that differently by people on the strength of an abstract definition doesn't make much sense to me. I don't even class myself as gay, but bisexual, but to anyone else from outside it's gay if you happen to have been in relationships with men before or live with one you used to be in one with etc. When people ask you to define yourself, it's more like they're asking you to define it for them so they know how to feel about it. Which is utterly bizarre. It's like asking me to pick a cartoon stereotype I'd like to be known by. I just don't want to do it. And I don't know why they can't just do what I do and take everything in on a case by case basis and decide how to feel about each individual thing according to its merits. Maybe that's too much work for some people.

Frankly my way of dealing with the weirdness of that is just not to examine it. So I guess I'll probably just put it out of mind and avoid the topic as much as possible. I've definitely become more avoidant of trans topics and sexuality as a topic, despite the fact more and more people are eager to discuss it. I don't know why my status means so much to them.

[Meghan]

That why you need to talk to Behavior Health specialist to help clear your mind, otherwise you will be questions your self and miserable to your self and other around you. I was in the same boat like you and I was so miserable couldn't concentrate to do anything at all. I decided to take the bull by the horns and seek for help with Behavior Health specialist. After couple session my Therapist recommend me to transition otherwise I will be miserable forever, with that I at peace with my self to begin medical transition five months ago. Now I am beginning my third months on HRT.

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[BT04]

A lot of people here talk about "wanting" to be or have or grow into something in the future. I never had that. As a kid I just "did things", and they were just things that I did. I don't know if it was how I was raised, or how my brain worked or if it was a form of dissociation/derealization, but I always had a very hard time with projecting myself into the future or really listening to what my mind/body was telling me they needed. As a kid I couldn't imagine being an adult of any gender; I lived in the here and now. And the things I liked doing were just my quirks. There was no rhyme or reason, according to me or anyone around me.

So when I would occasionally break out the packing tape in my room in secret to make my chest look flat, it didn't mean anything. It wasn't something I "wanted", it was just a weird thing I was doing. Take the tape off after a few minutes of looking at myself in the mirror or trying on some shirts, and go back to my normal life.

Or when I had opportunities to dress up - for Halloween, for ren faires, whatever - I always wanted to dress masculine, but that was also something I just "did".

I realized I was trans of some stripe a few years ago, but identifying as NB didn't feel quite right. It didn't feel as good as this feels. Last November I realized that I was male, and that transition was something I wanted to do for myself and my life. Not even getting married or choosing to move to another country to be with my husband felt like one big "Want" like this. We love each other to pieces and will be growing old together, but our relationship has been a series of things we "just did", or logistical steps. This is affirming in a much deeper way. I described what it was like to realize this thing about myself in terms of music: that it's like listening to a song where everything is just slightly off-key. The moment I said to myself "I'm a man" was the moment that all the instruments playing the song suddenly played in tune, and the song made sense. It became bearable to listen to for the first time in my life.

I still struggle immensely with paying attention to what my wants and needs are, but having a compass helps.

[Kylo]

I described what it was like to realize this thing about myself in terms of music: that it's like listening to a song where everything is just slightly off-key. The moment I said to myself "I'm a man" was the moment that all the instruments playing the song suddenly played in tune, and the song made sense. It became bearable to listen to for the first time in my life.

Great way to describe it. Same for me as well. I never 'wanted' this, like someone desires a thing. But I didn't want to feel disoriented like I did before, that was for sure. And this feels better.

[BT04]

Great way to describe it. Same for me as well. I never 'wanted' this, like someone desires a thing. But I didn't want to feel disoriented like I did before, that was for sure. And this feels better.

The wants are more superficial - I "want" to have a certain aesthetic after I start going full-time; I "want" to start having sex differently; I "want" to keep weight-lifting because I like the results I'm getting so far - but I guess I never "wanted" to be a man because I never felt anything was amiss enough for it to distress me, and I always was one anyway I guess.

Maybe in a sense I spent most of my life having some kind of "cis" trans male experience, and my shift to being specifically FtM came only after I realized that it was possible for me, let alone desirable.

But yeah, that moment of clarity, the euphoria is powerful stuff. It's amazing how easy it is to not know the background noise, like the buzzing of tinnitus, is there until it's not.

[Kylo]

Irritating "mental background noise" is how I would describe the effects of E.

T is like a blissful silence in which I'm free to think a little more clearly.

[PurpleWolf]

I described what it was like to realize this thing about myself in terms of music: that it's like listening to a song where everything is just slightly off-key. The moment I said to myself "I'm a man" was the moment that all the instruments playing the song suddenly played in tune, and the song made sense. It became bearable to listen to for the first time in my life.

I agree as well... I think that describes my feeling as well when I realized at 13 that I could be a boy and be seen as such by others. Like suddenly it all made sense. Before that the things I did were also things 'I just did' without actually realizing that meant I was really a boy inside. I just 'was that way'. If I had the choice, I'd choose boy things. Yes I did fantasize about being seen and treated as a boy. But that was more when I was younger. Yes I did feel dysphoric in many situations in retrospect but didn't quite consciously realize that meant I was really a boy. I was generally happy/content being a girl child... after all that was what I was right.

Anyway beautifully put 

[PurpleWolf]

Irritating "mental background noise" is how I would describe the effects of E.

T is like a blissful silence in which I'm free to think a little more clearly.

It's funny I feel like this even after changing my name...
I do wonder what I'll feel like on T then
I now realize I've been having that sucky feeling all the time before this. I knew my deadname bothered me a hell of a lot - but I didn't realize I felt that constantly in the background until it stopped.

[Jazmynne]

Hello all, for some they have referred to the light coming on that they are transgender, for me my inner voice told me I was and at  that moment I experienced  the most serene moment of peace as it swept thru my body. So my journey started with the need for breasts and that was like turning on a switch that I was to have them and I do have small breasts. Accepting it though is a daily struggle for me some days yes some not. the struggle with accepting it is I believe that I am genderfluid as my feelings switch back and forth, it seems alone time I am a woman. And as always it seems that the noise is constantly there or voice if you will. Almost seems like there is a discussion going on between the male part of me and the female side. But yes I am transgender not by my choice but I am me. I have so many thoughts about all of this but just cant seem to get them out all at once so sorry about jumping all over the place. I am without a doubt thankful for susans it has helped me to understand myself more and more. Thanks for listening.      

[The Flying Lemur]

I've wished that I was AMAB for as long as I can remember, but for the first 20 years of my life I had no idea that FTM was a thing.  You heard about MTF people occasionally (and they were always described as disgusting), but as far as I knew nobody ever went the other way.  I don't really remember when I realized that trans men existed, but it was about the time that the Brandon Teena story came out, so it could have been that.  I seriously thought about transitioning in college, but the internet was in its infancy and there certainly weren't any books that explained how I could live my life as a man.  I eventually gave up on the idea of transitioning because I didn't know how, and I was scared.  I was also attracted to men, and I figured that I'd get more male attention as a cis woman.  I revisited the question several times over the years, but I just felt I didn't have the emotional energy to try something as challenging as transitioning.

About a year ago I found myself thinking about it again, and this time it was different.  I likened it to what happens when someone just wakes up one day and realizes they can't stand living in their long-time bad marriage one minute longer.  I had been chained to my assigned gender for 44 years, and I was sick to death of it.  I wanted a divorce from womanhood.  Besides, there just no longer seemed to be reasons to have reservations.  A new antidepressant medication suddenly made everyday life less exhausting, and I had to admit that I'd been extremely unlucky in love as a woman.  My love life certainly couldn't get worse if I started living as a man.  I started talking the issue over with my therapist, and things just gained momentum from there.  The more I tested out a masculine identity, the better I felt.  Transitioning has been one of the best decisions of my life. 

[Bobbie LeAnn]

My other threads might have touched on this topic already, but I wanted to make a new thread for this.

So how did you realize you were really trans? Or came to terms with it?
Most of us must have 'always known' that something was up or thought about it on and off. But how did you finally accept that you were really trans? Like what led to it?

Was it a long process - something you just thought about for years & years and finally accepted it as a fact or came to a conclusion? Or did some specific incident cause that lightbulb to go on?

How did that make you feel?

Anything else you wanna share?

All my life I thought there was something wrong with me. I never heard of "Transgender" or "transsexual" people except when people made some stupid joke about them. I never thought I was one of them. I just seen myself as a broken freak who never fit in.
There has been a conflict raging inside of me all my life. I always felt like I was living in the wrong body. I liked everything to do with being a girl. I hated my male self.
I made up for it by being a tough guy, someone you did not want to cross. Like I said I thought there was something wrong with me. Something to be ashamed of, something that really should be put down like an aging dog. I have tried to kill myself so many times I can't count them.
I even know what it feels and sounds like to hear a loaded gun click with the muzzle in my mouth(only to have it misfire). Each and every time I failed and that made it worse knowing I couldn't even do that one thing right.
The last straw was almost 2 years or so ago. I just gave up. I gave up caring, I gave up eating, I wanted to just go to sleep and never wake back up.
I lost a lot of weight. I got down to around 60 pounds and had lost all appetite and mostly drank water. I don't know why or what led me here but I was just sitting at my computer and ran across this forum. I started to read about what "Transgenderism" was and a light snapped on in my head (could I be?). I really couldn't believe what I was reading.
I then started reading everything I could find on the subject.
Then one night I'm watching the TLC channel and a show comes on called "I am Jazz". OMG that brave, wonderful little girl put into words what I never could and opened my eyes. I think I cried harder than I ever have that day when the realization sank in that I wasn't a freak. I might be fixable, there might be hope.
I found a Doctor in Memphis at a place called "CHOICES - Memphis Center For Reproductive Health" and set up an appointment.
She asked questions about things you wouldn't believe and had me come back in 1 month. She handed me a "Informed consent" paper about HRT and told me to read it and think real hard about starting HRT and if I still wanted it to sign the paper and give it to her when I returned in a month.
Needless to say that was the longest month in my life.  I read up on and fully understood the pros and cons of HRT and decided it was what I needed. I knew it would be hard to start life over as a woman especially at 60 yrs old but if it brought me happiness even if for a few days, months, or whatever time I have left on this earth then I was all for it. I went back a month later and handed her the signed paper.
She took all kinds of blood tests and even some I never heard of and handed me a couple prescription papers to have filled for spironolactone and estradiol. I was ecstatic to say the least. I couldn't wait to get home to get the prescriptions filled. I remember running into the prescription shop waving my prescriptions like a victory flag lol. I went shopping after that for womens clothes and threw away all my "male" clothes and have been living as a woman ever since.
I know I will never be good looking and don't really care. I didn't do it because I found some sexual thrill in it. That was not what this was about. This was about repairing a birth defect that happened at birth. This was about saving my life. I would give anything to have known about this years ago. Maybe things would have been better. But you know what? I am not going to sit here and worry about the past or what might have been.
I am finally living my life my way and I am damn happy. Yes for the first time in my life I can honestly say "I am happy". Each day is now a blessing not a curse. It's my wish and prayer that everyone who comes to this forum seeking help finds the peace and happiness I have found. I am so glad this isn't real paper because you would not be able to read it from all the tears that have fallen on it while typing it. I don't cry from sadness any longer. I cry from happiness now and that makes all the difference.

OMG I have never bared my soul so much. I apologize for being so long winded.





Love
Bobbie LeAnn