The 'oddness' for me came around 10 or 11 years old. I started crossdressing and felt like a freak for enjoying it so much. I'd have dreams of being a girl, and would sometimes pray to God (despite being agnostic!) that I would wake up in the morning a girl with no social repercussions. That's how unhinged I was at the time. Things happened at school, and long story short people found out and was bullied for it for the final year or two of school.
I still knew nothing about what I was. I had seen Jerry Springer during my early teenage years of which he had many transgender guests but it never clicked that I was one. I had developed interanalised trans-phobia.
Like so many who have already posted, I tried my best to be 'the man', taking up stereotypical male jobs that my father and grandfathers had done in attempt to rid myself of my perverted urges. What had actually happened was that I had developed a heavy depression and severe anxiety. At one point I couldn't bring myself to leave the house for nearly 2 weeks.
At the age of 21 my mother finally took me to the doctor despite my protests. He set me up with a counselor who after almost a year of wrangling manged to get my talking about my crossdressing. I very slowly, and very cautiously started exploring these feelings. Eventually the counselor asked if I felt I was a girl. That's when a little glimmer of hope appeared. Could this be the answer? I was still hesitant but agreed to be referred to a gender identity clinic.
I waited a whole 18 months to be seen. During this time nothing had changed in myself apart from a mild curiosity that this might make me better. As the date of my first appointment neared I began to research more and more on the subject. I became to like what I was seeing, but only really as an end to the depression and anxiety I had.
By this point I'd quit my job, gone back to college and got some A-levels and was looking to go to Uni in the September. I had built up in my head this new life for myself as a woman. As final exams approached my depression was taking a serious toll on me and I asked my doctor for some anti-depressants to tide me over. BIG MISTAKE.
I'm sure many on here have had anti-depressants at some point, but for those that don't know they essentially calm the violent mood swings of depression. Although things stop going from extreme elation to being almost suicidal, the knock-on effect is you don't feel anything. It's very difficult to get happy or excited about anything, but you no longer feel intense dread and fear. They are a double edged sword that I wouldn't recommend to anybody except under very dire circumstances. Anyway, back to my point...
Because I now had the emotion dulling effects of anti-depressants in my system my enthusiasm for HRT and transition had greatly diminished, though I still wanted it. However as I went through the therapy with the psychologist she actually manged to convince me I was not transgender and only a crossdresser. At the time I sort of accepted it cause, y'know? They are medically trained proeffesionals and have years of experience on these things.
So for my time through Uni I treated my obsessions with things femmine as a perverted fetish, despite very rarely actually doing anything transgender or crossdressing related. There were a couple of times I dressed up as a girl for Halloween parties but I never fully gave myself over. It was fun, and I enjoyed wearing the clothes but I was still a guy at a party, and everyone knew it. I did get mistaken for an actual girl at the time twice one particular Halloween which today would make me elated, but at the time was merely amusing. Even I didn't realise at the time and it was my friend that had to point it out to me. That's just how disconnected from being transgender I was then.
Uni ended with little fanfare and after doing another stint in 'generic male industry #552' again, the following March I flew out to work in Japan. Shortly after leaving Uni I demanded my doctor take me off anti-depressants as I had worries about being able to get the medication in Japan. My first 6 or 7 months in Japan were fantastic and helped to counteract the effects of withdrawal symptoms.
Thankfully I came out the other end with no anti-depressant dependency and no depression! However, something else had returned - my gender dysphoria. This was the first time I was able to clearly and thoughtfully analyse the feelings I was having. I rationalised that I was likely 95% transgender. The flicker of light had come back.
Still, fears of how family might respond put me off the idea of transitioning. Luckily, a chance was coming up. I'd become dissatisfied with my job in Japan and the culture had turned from a novelty to a chore. I wanted to move back to the UK. It was around this time I read about a salon in Tokyo that caters to crossdressers, MtF and FtM as well as doing general makeovers for cis-gendered people. I wrestled with the idea of having a session with them. After nearly 3 months of indecision I decided to give it a go. I was leaving Japan soon anyway, so I thought 'why not?'
When I got there I was a little timid about the experience but both girls were very kind and welcoming. They asked me for ideas for clothing and hairstyles to which I gave vague answers of 'first date, work-wear and something fun'. I put on the first outfit, a yellow flowery dress and sat in the makeup chair. I honestly don't remember what I looked like in the dress before she applied the makeup. After about 15mins she said it was time for the wig and told me to close my eyes.
When I opened my eyes my brain tried it's hardest to understand what it was seeing. A rush of excitement came ovr me and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I liked it, but something about it made me uncomfortable. Upon reflection I've come to the conclusion that I looked very much like my mother, albeit much younger, right down to the hair colour and style she used to wear. We did some photo's but although I was having fun I still hadn't had my light bulb moment. We changed hairstyles and took more photos in that outfit, but I'd subconsciously made the connection and couldn't settle. So we tried the next outfit.
It was the simplest of simple office attire. A white button blouse and black skirt. I closed my eyes again for the wig. I'd asked for a different colour that more closely matched my actual hair colour. I opened my eyes...
And saw myself for the very first time.
Aside from a slow smile creeping up my face I couldn't think, I couldn't feel, I was just mesmerised. While this reveal was happening one of the ladies was taking photos of me. After half a dozen snaps she turned the LCD screen towards me to show the pictures. I had to fight back the tears and several manged to escape. I couldn't believe what I was seeing was actually me, this huge, lumbering, ape of a man had become a shockingly feminine and pretty woman.
This was my light bulb moment and it will live forever with me for eternity.
I told them, in my broken Japanese, that this was how I saw myself in my heart. They asked what my name was. The one I gave was one I used on and off throughout the years, but for the rest of the session that is what they called me. After some more photos and a couple more tears I explained to them how one of my biggest fears was that I wouldn't look anything like a woman. Their response was 'But <name>, you ARE a lady!'. That made me tear up even more and filled me with such joy. One issue I've wrestled with has been a dislike of the word woman. I prefer girl, but I'm getting older and can't get away with that anymore. But to be called a lady... I was over the moon!
The final outfit was a bit more fun, an actual costume if you will. I stopped seeing myself as a man, but as a cheeky lady and had a lot of fun. Over the final 30mins of the session, my mannerisms noticeably changed, my voice started to climb higher and I was walking more ladylike.
Eventually it all had to come to an end, and I will be eternal thankful to those two ladies that showed to me what I was on the inside. The train-ride home gave me plenty of time to think things over. I had a decision to make. That was a week ago.
The following days I was on a high and although that has abated mostly, my decision hasn't changed. I MUST transition when I return to the UK. I have booked 2 more appointments at this salon before I leave Japan as I want to give my new identity as much energy and positive reinforcement as possible, and also to give the salon more custom as a kind of thank-you.
My light bulb is very truly burning brightly.
