Family says that if I go back on HRT that I should expect to die.

[Asakawa]

I'm feeling pretty anxious right now. I spoke with family about going back on HRT and I was told that if I do go back on HRT that I should expect, or be ready to, die. To be very blunt I don't want to die. The thought of ceasing to exist is pretty bad in my opinion because then I would no longer exist. Life is very tough, but I still feel like I want to live. I am experiencing a lot of doubt right now. It ranges from going back on HRT and from being passable. I feel like I look too much like a man to be able to be a woman at times. When I see girls I always feel like I want to be like them they look so pretty and confident, but I wonder just how feminine I can really be. I like to do guy things and not so much girl things. I'm just an awkward person. I like women instead of men and I like martial arts and I don't dance though I took ballet for 5 or 6 semesters in college. Still couldn't dance. In the last 2 or 3 months I started to see MPB and I freaked out a little because I don't want to see that. I've noticed more body hair growth and I also don't like that. I feel like my dysphoria has been climbing up a lot lately and in the last 2 months or so it has become very difficult. I want to love myself for who I am, but seeing the male changes is really tough. To be honest I'm also afraid of rejection because I've built up my 'social circle' as a 100% guy after going off HRT and considering to go back makes me feel like I don't want to lose the circle i've made. My mother is somewhat supportive of me I haven't seen my father since I was 9 and I'm single. I'm self conscious and I just wonder if I'll ever be feme passable yet at the same time don't want to be 'girly fake' because it would be like this gigantic weight that I think I just would not be able to carry at all. I have doubts yet looking back at my pictures of 4 years ago my anxiety seems to calm a little. I'm just getting older and older and I'd rather age as a woman than as a man at least. Mother says that when I was on HRT I was really weak and couldn't even carry groceries bags . I just feel like I want to be a girl, but I'm not pretty enough. I'm just a guy and life has been beaten down on me for these past 4 years as I became more 'responsible' to hold the 'household' yet the dysphoria doesn't go away and I feel like it's just loading up to explode and I get afraid. Even if I couldn't pass as a woman I'd live my life as a guy, but would rather be on HRT and let my body age. I just want to be pretty. Now since I was off HRT for 4 years I feel like i've become uglier and much of my feme looks have gone away.



This was about 4 years ago and it was a little bit some time after I had stopped hrt. I had to sneak around quickly and get dressed while no one was home. I couldn't help myself.... I had already lost my pretty bangs. I stuffed my bra I actually have pretty small boobs. sorry for the hair I was already on a downward roller coaster at the time.... and it was bad. I had already lost like I think 2 inches on my hips.

This is probably going to sound funny but the other week I was looking at myself in the mirror and I had bought a progesterone cream from Amazon and had been using it for a while. I noticed my body was changing into a more feme look and I thought to myself that it was almost like a 'sin' to not change fully . Am I going crazy?

I was hit with x2 infections during winter time that really go to me. I was even on antibiotics and I think it was these 2 things that trigger a great level of dysphoria in me. Though I had been having feelings and thoughts before I just kept throwing them under the bus . I woud just keep my self super busy from morning till night. Lately I've felt like I need to find a balance because the feelings to change just keep getting worse. It's hard to go to the movies at times because the girls in there are so pretty and I just feeling like I want to look like them.

I also have violin hips and I get self conscious about them . I have a big body frame and I've been told that I'm a pretty big guy.

[Rachel]

If you are take HRT and are supervised by a doctor then I do not understand why you would die.

Being weak can be assisted with less AA's and monitored T so it does not get above 40 ng/dl.

[Lady Sarah]

Many of us would probably be dead, if it weren't for HRT.

Only a medical professional can tell you whether or not HRT can harm you. Did your family sound threatening?

On the other hand, we're all going to die some day. I foresee my death coming in about 40 to 45 years down the road. HRT has certainly not killed me,and I've been on it for over 26 years.

[HappyMoni]

You look very feminine to me. You are actually very pretty  in my opinion. It sounds like your family is trying to scare you out of moving forward. You need to be true to yourself.
Moni

[tgirlamg]

Dear Sister,

There are often times when even those closest, our family, offer opinions and take actions that do not serve us well... Their motivations can come from a place of thinking they know what is best for you... Or, they can be more selfish and directed at their own needs... Either way... Live YOUR life in the manner you choose...

I know many of your concerns of the moment are in regards to appearance and we have PMd a bit about this subject... This is the first picture I have seen beyond your avatar and you look beautiful and femme sister but transition is about so very much more than appearance... Do not let appearance, family, fear or a measuring tape make your decisions for you in the days and years to come...Those decisions belong to you...

Hugs and Love,

A 😀❤️🌻

[Asakawa]

I'm not sure if you can call it threatening or not. There have been other things where I'm not sure if they are said because it's a tough subject, or because my mom wants to move away. I think it could be frustration too. She has said things in the past which I thought they were mean, but ever since I came out to her about 2 years after I began hrt we've been through a lot together and I think have bonded way more than I could have ever bonded with mom as a guy. At one point I took up buddishm just to make senses of things and it helped me a lot. I was able to accept mom for the way she was and that was a breakthrough. I even spoke with a psychologist for a little while, but I think buddhism was what really helped me understand. Specifically I read like 3 books into soto zen buddhism sect and those were the best ones for me. I don't really read them anymore just because I've become a lot more comfortable with things at least in that regard. I started hrt when I was I think 21 yrs old, so around 23 I came out to mom and it was tough. She took it well but I don't think I ever got much support until way later when I visited a transgender support group and she met other trans. At some point mom was telling me that I should get testosterone injections, but I was really against the subject. I had started to train martial arts because a roommate had gotten out of hand and the situation almost came to blows. I probably would have gotten beaten down if it did. Afterwards I told mom that I needed to take some self defense classes just to feel safe and I did. She always came to watch the class and there was always a me  lacking in 'performance' so I was really weak. I mean, I wasn't too surprised because I had always been a computer and tv person and never athletic, but mom thought it was just low T and even before at times had told me I was pretty weak when it came down to moving things as a 'girl'. At one point she said that I was 'worse than a girl', in terms of strength, and other things. I just thought it was ironic to take aa to block t and then have to take T. I think mom just wanted me to be a man again.

Thank you for the pretty comments. I just don't think I'm feme and am more like a guy, I think, because of my size. Then there is my preferences and me liking to do more 'guy' things which makes me feel like doing 'girl things' is hard. Yet, ever since I was little I've always wanted to be a girl. Sometimes I feel like mom wants a man in her life to be there, but I just can't be that man. Dad has not been with us for many years, but even though I've 'tried' to take up the role I just can't be a man. The more I think about it the more I think I'm not a true man. I can't be a man for mom and I just can't be a man, but sometimes when I look into the mirror all I can see is a man staring back . I'm also scared of criticism when it comes down to passing and if it fails of the social stigma and ridiculing. It's so confusing, but that is just who I am. I know for sure that I don't want to be a man. I just wish I could be a girl, but obviously my body has man aspects. I feel like I can be a girl inside, but outside I will always be a 'man'. I must admit that being more feme on the outside greatly diminish my thinking that way, but I just tend to be very self critical... which is really unfair since I'm mtf and there is a limit to how feme I can look due to bone proportions across my body.

tgirlamc looks very pretty! I just wish I could look so much like her. There are a lot of pretty girls here at susan and it makes me feel behind on the feme scale. The other day I saw this a beautiful passable mtf trans gal and I just felt like I wish I could be like her. I just sometimes wonder how it is that they do it to be so passable. I think I just made a mistake in coming off hrt, but at the time we were going through very big financial hardship and it just wasn't really possible to continue on top of other things. I also felt like there was just no support for me either . I just feel like I want to be under a doctor's care, but when I speak with mom about it she takes that stance and I get really scared because I don't know what could happen.

Like I want to be myself, but because I like to do guy things being myself feels far from being feme, if that makes sense. At the same time, like oh god, I just wish I could be as feme as I could be. I love long hair and my hair used to be longer than in that picture. The thing was that I had cut it some because mom was always against having long hair. She wants my hair to be as short as possible and, I don't know, I felt like I had no choice. She also always wanted me to cover up as much as possible even in girls clothes. As a guy it as worse because I always had to hide my breasts and shape. It made me really anxious, like, I just had to hide everything and no one could know. I almost never went out dressed as a girl only the few times I went to my tg support group and a few times to see my psychologist. I miss my long hair and my bangs and my long nails. Mom hated my bangs, but I loved them. When ever I would get sick she said it was because of my long hair + bangs and that it was affecting my head. I even lost most of my feme clothes. Mom did not want me to have them either. If I ever had doubts it was like open season . I just felt like I couldn't have anything. The fist time I showed them to her she thought they were for her, but they were actually mine. I didn't give them up she needed to understand and it was tough. To be honest those things happened, I think, mostly after I came out. Later on my mom grew more accepting. Spoecifically I think it was after she met other trans in my support group.

[Deborah]

Being weak, whether before or after HRT, is a choice.  If you don't want to be weak then fix it with proper exercise.  Lack of T is not an excuse and you can be very strong with no T at all.


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[Lady Sarah]

As a matter of fact, I have some mixed martial arts training. With no T, I have lifted weights and gained muscle mass. I have been able to throw a 200 pound man. The only reason I cannot do that anymore, is because of back issues, for which I have already had a double laminectomy. Even that does not not make me weak. I still have muscle, and the speed in which to use it. If I can do that, you should also be able to do that. And, I was the 90 pound weakling everyone loved to beat up in school.
You can do it! You don't need family holding you back. It's your life. Do with it as you want to.

[krobinson103]

Your photo looks very feminine to me. Given the right supervision HRT is safe as its monitored by a qualified professional. I'd follow your heart and do what is right for you, it will put you in a better position to support your family. They don't have to live your life.

[Dena]

I started HRT around 1977 and I am still alive and kicking. It has caused no harm and may have benefited me as could be preserving calcium in my bones. Under a doctors care, HRT is safe and in the rare incident where there is a problem, a doctor will detect the problem before it become serious.

[Asakawa]

Thank you it does sound like I need to get serious with the strength building if I want to be strong. I've had my attempts at weight lifting, but usually it has never worked out for me. I've been doing the martial arts, but I certainly don't feel any physically stronger. Like other people my legs have been the part that is stronger out of my body. If I do get back on HRT I will have to really think about maintaining what strength I have. Not sure if it would get lower than what it is already while on estrogen.

I spoke with mom and asked he why she disliked my long hair and bangs, and she said that at the time  those things made me look too girly and that she did not want to see that. She sounds more accepting now and I mentioned if it would be ok to grow my hair out again and cut my bangs. She said she would be okay with it which was a nice responce. I wasn't sure if she would be accepting of that. Still, she mentioned that I should not go back into hrt because she is concerned that I might get sick. It's tough because I would rather have mom's support to transition fully. People have said that I look like mom while I was on hrt and I kind of agree. I saw a picture of mom when she was really young with her hair tied back and up close and when I first saw it I thought I was looking at myself. Mom doesn't wear dresses or anything like that and keeps her hair short, so I don't believe I can ask her for any adivice on that. Never wears make up either. I'm going to see if I can talk to her more about it. I would like to be under a doctor's care, but I'm not sure what I'll do with all the places I've visited and the people that know me. Really, it's not too many, but I don't know. I mean, before when I was in hrt I would still dress as a guy outside and lived a long time with people knowing me that way. I'm not sure how passable I'd be in terms of wearing girl clothes on a daily basis for people to see. I certainly would like to wear them, but if other people were to find it offensive or repulsive I'm not sure what I'd do. It is nice that I am able to share some pictures here and for people to tell me that I look feminine. Sometimes I just do wonder if people are just being nice when they say that. Which I can totally understand I mean I don't think I will be 100% passable which I think is just something I have to live with. I do wish to be on the upper part of the spectrum.

[krobinson103]

Have you looked at the cross section of people who walk around in the streets? Honestly a good portion are hard to gender at a first glance anyway. There are feminine men, masculine women, people you have to think about before you gender them. Unless you are dressed in an evening gown with a heavy beard 95% of people won't even look twice. Its all about being confident that what you present is your true self and not worrying what a small minority might say. If they have little impact on your life it doesn't matter.

[Violet10Dencies]

I'm not out yet, so pardon my naivety if applicable.

To me "what is masculine" and "what is feminine" seem to be social constructs that change with time. They're made up. For example, in the US (not sure about rest of world) all boy babies used to be dressed in pink and all girl babies in blue. Today that's very different. There's no stone tablet that dictates, "though bearers of the penis shall act as such..." and if there was I would still think it's a load of crap. To me, it's more about doing what makes you feel comfortable and free; do that.

It's good to listen to others when they have genuine concern, but it can't just stop there. Is their reasoning sound as to why you may die in continuing, and most importantly, does a reliable doctor agree? If it really is making you weaker (which I heard can be true due to muscle loss/redistribution) are there things you can do to stay stronger? If you're worried about being labeled as not-femme because you're strong, I'd refer you to Ronda Rousey. If you don't feel pretty enough to be labeled a woman, look around, (as stated above) and note that lots of people natural fall outside of "gender norms."

From the pics you posted, if I saw you on the street I might think, "she's kind of tall," and continue about my day. Big deal (pun intended)! I have known lots of tall girls throughout my life. You pass, in my opinion. Get out there girl! Be confident in yourself!

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[Kendra]

Asakawa, I agree with nearly all of the replies here.  We care.  We have our good and bad days and I realize this may be a deeper, more serious issue to tackle, but - most important, I just want to give you a big hug.  You need and deserve it. 

[Janes Groove]

It sounds like you would really benefit from talking to a gender therapist right about now.

I remember when I came out, my brother said to me, "It's your life."  That was the first time I had ever heard that message from a family member.  My parents were very homophobic/transphobic and condemning and shaming and I lived in fear of their disapproval all my life.  It wasn't until they were gone that I was finally  able to come out of the closet as trans.  I had come out as gay when I was 36 and it was very traumatic and poisoned my relationship with my parents/family from that point forward. Being trans in my family was about 1000 times worse.

I say this because it is a cautionary tale.  Don't make the mistakes I did and miss out on a wonderful life lived as a woman.

It's your life.

[Jacqueline]

Asakawa

Like Kendra, I agree with a lot of the posts here. Ultimately it comes down to you. Only you can decide if you can handle being out in public. It is totally unfair that tgirlamc looks as good as she does we all hate her. I am totally joking, she does look great and she is a super resource here. Believe her posts. I think you should claim your life and do what seems right.

I was not sure and questioning how far I would go until last year. I am still anxious about how masculine I look. However, I realized that I would mentally not be able to function if I continued as I have. Not unique to me, if I did not start HRT and come to my current choices I would be another suicide statistic.

I am not saying my problems are yours. Every trans person and transition is unique. We all react to chemicals differently. We all come to different conclusions differently. We all have different perceptions of what works for us(ex. how far do I have to take it). However, with at least the support network of a good therapist and a good endo, no matter how far you want to take this can be safe. It sounds like many of the comments you have heard are old stereotypes. The process is very safe now. I get blood work done a lot. As my blood work changes so do my prescriptions. My dosages of anti-androgens have doubled (or more); my estradiol had increased, decreased, increased, decreased about to increase again. Just have a doctor work with you. Self medicating can be dangerous. However, most of us on HRT are so much healthier than before it.

I think you show a lot of potential and look pretty darn good in the photos. I would try not to worry. Easy to write, hard to believe.

Keep in touch if we can help. There is only so far a post can go to alleviate doubt, shame and depression but talk to me or us. We all go through versions of this. In this way we are more family than our own flesh and blood.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey.

Warmly,
Jacqui

[Lady Sarah]

Thank you it does sound like I need to get serious with the strength building if I want to be strong. I've had my attempts at weight lifting, but usually it has never worked out for me. I've been doing the martial arts, but I certainly don't feel any physically stronger. Like other people my legs have been the part that is stronger out of my body. If I do get back on HRT I will have to really think about maintaining what strength I have. Not sure if it would get lower than what it is already while on estrogen.

I spoke with mom and asked he why she disliked my long hair and bangs, and she said that at the time  those things made me look too girly and that she did not want to see that. She sounds more accepting now and I mentioned if it would be ok to grow my hair out again and cut my bangs. She said she would be okay with it which was a nice responce. I wasn't sure if she would be accepting of that. Still, she mentioned that I should not go back into hrt because she is concerned that I might get sick. It's tough because I would rather have mom's support to transition fully. People have said that I look like mom while I was on hrt and I kind of agree. I saw a picture of mom when she was really young with her hair tied back and up close and when I first saw it I thought I was looking at myself. Mom doesn't wear dresses or anything like that and keeps her hair short, so I don't believe I can ask her for any adivice on that. Never wears make up either. I'm going to see if I can talk to her more about it. I would like to be under a doctor's care, but I'm not sure what I'll do with all the places I've visited and the people that know me. Really, it's not too many, but I don't know. I mean, before when I was in hrt I would still dress as a guy outside and lived a long time with people knowing me that way. I'm not sure how passable I'd be in terms of wearing girl clothes on a daily basis for people to see. I certainly would like to wear them, but if other people were to find it offensive or repulsive I'm not sure what I'd do. It is nice that I am able to share some pictures here and for people to tell me that I look feminine. Sometimes I just do wonder if people are just being nice when they say that. Which I can totally understand I mean I don't think I will be 100% passable which I think is just something I have to live with. I do wish to be on the upper part of the spectrum.

It is very common for legs to be stronger than arms. You don't walk or run on your hands very often. I use dumb bells, ranging from 5 to 15 pounds. You'd be surprised what that can do, depending on the exercises you do with them.
You can be 100% passable. Hormones, along with the right clothes, will do wonders. Surgeries can correct things the hormones can't. Looking at your pictures, it ain't gonna take much to make you passable 100%. 

[Jin]

EVERYBODY dies!

Do not count how many years are left in your life, rather count how much life is left in your years.
And be sure that you are prepared for how you want to spend eternity after death.

[Deborah]

The largest muscles in your body are your glutes (butt) that also are the ones that enable you to squat, stand up, walk, and run.  Since they're the largest they should also be the strongest.

For many people, especially some men, they are not the strongest because they do all their strength training on upper body so they can look pretty in the mirror.  The modern lifestyle with way too much sitting weakens them also.


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[Asakawa]

Thank you all life has been kind of quick and I was not able to respond as soon as I could. I am glad I shared this issue here because it had been nagging at me for a while plus it involves my family. I think I might be full of old stereotypes and a lot of old information mainly because I don't watch television and for the past 4 years I greatly limited my amount of online time. I mainly tried to focus in real life and trying to find my way back into it. It has been too long of a journey and I sort of wished I had done it differently. I'm really glad to see the support from individuals here I felt like I really needed a little bit of support and I guess that is why I dropped the post here. I realized that as i kept myself really busy after hrt the feelings did not really go away and just keep coming back. I've been reading some posts here and that sounds just like several other people who have gone through something similar. My family has mentioned to me at times that I probably just need to find a partner (Girl) and make a family and that this could possibly 'cure' me, but I just don't believe that. I've read some stories when it comes down to keeping it in the closet getting married and then later on the gate flooding open . If I can I would rather just be myself and find someone who would like me as my full self. I've spoken with some of the non-trans guy friends I know and some mention that they look for prostitution when they can't get it from their partner. I just wouldn't want to remain a guy and do anything like that or as a girl for that matter. It is all just scary thoughts because when my family mentioned finding someone I just wouldn't want to try and use someone like that to find a  'cure'. I know the male libido can be a problem and I have been single for longer than most, but there is just no way I'd want to end up like that. Thankfully I feel I have a safe and healthy libido, so I haven't ever tried to do anything like that. I feel like I have to be careful because people can be a big influence in your life. I don't want to make a wrong decision that is going to have some huge negative impact on my life . I think when it comes down to relationships it is best to be honest. There are just some things that your family tells you sometimes that is hard to comprehend .



How about another picture? I can't believe it has been about 4 years. I am older now and just so much uglier. I hope I am able to come back to a reasonable feme look or, I don't know if it is possible, better.