I want to come out

[Christy Lee]

I want to come out and live my life as ME, but

1) I have trouble accepting ME sometimes, it doesnt seem real
2) Years of Internalized Transphobia, and trying not to be ME, its like i just cant get the words out
3) I dont have too many supportive people in my life not really, i fear id be doing it alone
4) I feel to scared to start living as ME, what if im wrong?  What if i cant get Surgery?
5) I feel so stuck in my old ways, i dont know how to dig out of this whole sometimes
6) Ive been single for a long time, low self esteem
7) My area isnt particularly Transgender friendly, its not anti Trans, but its not something you see alot of
8 ) Ive always imagined the worst case scenarios, as a means of fighting against it

It does feel like im having a harder time in fighting it, starting to be more ME, which makes me happy, but atm same time it feels like theres more pressure on myself in coming out

Since i was a Teenager all ive thought about off and on is wanting to be female, but also at the same time trying not to let that show through and be as manly as possibly, and hating it

[Jessica_Rose]

1) I have trouble accepting ME sometimes, it doesnt seem real
I started my journey about a year ago. Up until last Thursday I had never gone outside fully dressed as Jessica. She went out again Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Although it felt 'right' it also felt 'wrong' at the same time. It felt right because the clothes fit and were comfortable, it made me happy, and I felt beautiful. It felt wrong because my name and gender don't match the person I have been hiding all of my life, and I am working to correct that. In your heart you already know the answer.

2) Years of Internalized Transphobia, and trying not to be ME, its like i just cant get the words out.
I was born in 1962. Talk about growing up with phobias! If you were not a straight male or female you were considered to be perverted and were constantly threatened, chased, and beaten. There were no safe spaces back then. Throw away the labels, they only mean something to small-minded people. Just for one day be yourself, don't be concerned about anyone else or worry about what others may think. At the end of the day think about how you feel. You need to be true to yourself to find the peace within you.

3) I dont have too many supportive people in my life not really, i fear id be doing it alone
You could do this alone, but it would be very difficult. Having support does make the journey much easier, but you only need a few true friends who are supportive to ease the journey. For most of my journey I have only had two highly supportive friends, and one was a stranger when we met a year ago. Finding a support group may be a good idea for you, and of course you have friends here at Susan's Place.

4) I feel to scared to start living as ME, what if im wrong?  What if i cant get Surgery?
Once you start HRT you will probably know within a few months if it is right for you. During my initial appointment I was nervous and scared, I was not really sure if this was right for me. During my next appointment four months later I was smiling the whole time, and as soon as the doctor came in she also began to smile. The effects of HRT are mostly reversible for the first six months or so, if it does not feel 'right' you can always stop. Not everyone feels the need for surgery, but it is slowly being covered by more and more health insurance policies. 

5) I feel so stuck in my old ways, i dont know how to dig out of this whole sometimes
I have been living as a male for 55 years. I was in such a deep hole I was not sure that I would ever see light again. It does take time, patience, and desire. The sooner you start, the sooner you will reach your goal. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

6) Ive been single for a long time, low self esteem
Once I got out of the service I avoided doctors. I really did not care too much about myself. Once I decided to start my journey I began to care. When you start HRT your mood will most likely change, and you will probably feel better about yourself.

7) My area isnt particularly Transgender friendly, its not anti Trans, but its not something you see alot of
I live in a reasonably conservative area with a population over 500,000. Although I have not personally met another transgender person yet, I have met many people who are trans friendly. In fact I have yet to meet someone who is anti-trans.

8 ) Ive always imagined the worst case scenarios, as a means of fighting against it
I though about this also. I realized if I started this path there was a chance that I could lose everyone in my life. The torment this has been causing me was slowly making life more and more difficult, and it finally reached the point that I could not continue down that path. Only you can decide. Do you want to continue living in misery, or do you want to take a gamble and have a chance to live in happiness as your true self? It took me over forty years to figure that out.

It took me months to get up enough courage to come out to a friend, and it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but it was also one of the happiest moments of my life.

[Ashley32]

Internalized transphobia was a significant issue for me early on in transition. What really helped me get over that was going to some group therapy sessions with other trans people. I was scared to death the first few I went to, but doing that was critical. Seeing how normal other transpeople were had a profound impact on me. When the sessions were over we started hanging out and doing stuff. That really showed me that transitioning is really possible and most of my fears weren't really warranted.

[KathyLauren]

1) I have trouble accepting ME sometimes, it doesnt seem real

Yes, we all get this.  Some of us call them WTF moments: What the heck am I doing making my life complicated when it could just go on the way it always has?  Well the way my life went sucked, and it would have gone further downhill if I hadn't done something about it.

2) Years of Internalized Transphobia, and trying not to be ME, its like i just cant get the words out

Getting the words out is hard, especially the first time.  It helps if you write out the words or rehearse them in your mind.  That way, when the time comes, you can concentrate on overcoming the fear and not have to think about what you want to say.

3) I dont have too many supportive people in my life not really, i fear id be doing it alone

This is where being a part of a support group can really help.

4) I feel to scared to start living as ME, what if im wrong?  What if i cant get Surgery?

How can you be wrong about what you want?
ME: I want to tansition.
{lightning bolt}
BOOMING VOICE FROM THE SKY: No you don't!  {Smack}

Are you likely to be refused surgery on medical grounds?  Not many people are.  Are you worried about the cost?  You may have to delay surgery while you save, but money problems are solveable.

5) I feel so stuck in my old ways, i dont know how to dig out of this whole sometimes

One shovelful at a time. 

Transition is a big project, and if you don't already have project management skills, you will have them by the time you are done.  But even the biggest project is tackled one task at a time.  Just pick one thing that needs doing and do it.  Repeat until done.

6) Ive been single for a long time, low self esteem

I wouldn't recommend tackling the single part while transitioning.  But you have to believe that your real self, the person inside that you want to liberate, is a good person or you wouldn't be considering transition.  So remind yourself that you are a good person inside.  Then work on bringing that good person out into the open.

7) My area isnt particularly Transgender friendly, its not anti Trans, but its not something you see alot of

You aren't going to see a lot of trans people anywhere, outside of a support group.  We tend to blend into the woodwork because most of us are not motivated to expose ourselves.  We just want to get on with our lives.  Some live in stealth mode; the rest of us just dress and carry ourselves to blend in.  So low visibility doesn't mean much.

If your area isn't anti-trans, that is a good thing.  For the most part, that's all you need. 

I live in a small village, population 300 if you include the outlying farms.  The nearest town is a 20 minute drive from here.  The people here are fishermen or farmers.  Most are elderly.  Quite a few are your stereotypical hillbillies.  You couldn't dream up a worse place to transition, right?

I have been out, living here as myself full-time, for 9 months.  I participate in community events, and I am a member of the local volunteer fire department, a bunch of rednecks if ever there was one.  Do you know how many negative comments or dirty looks I have gotten?  Not a single one!  Most people have been supportive, and the worst treatment I have received is polite tolerance.

So don't pre-judge your neighbours.  If they are not hostile, you'll be okay.

8 ) Ive always imagined the worst case scenarios, as a means of fighting against it

It is certainly good to be prepared for the worst.  Hope for the best; plan for the worst.  I do that too.  But the worst is an extreme.  It is less likely to happen than something much more acceptable.

Don't let fear hold you back.  It held me back for 60 years.  I really, really REALLY don't recommend that!

[DawnOday]

Hun. My first meeting with my support group there was a member who came dressed in a mini skirt and a full beard. They didn't seem too upset. Point being. Everyone is different. Celebrate that difference. You will have doubts. Lordy we all do from time to time. But I compare my past to how I feel now and I have had a successful life as a male, but now everything seems right, like it was always meant to be.

[Sephirah]

Christy, it seems like number 8 is ruling everything else. Picturing the worst case scenarios for everything is causing numbers 1-7, and it's that which you have to work on.

I know you've had trouble getting to see a therapist, but I do think it's something you should look at again, and see if there's a way you can do it. Just to talk if nothing else. It doesn't commit you to doing anything and it may put some of your fears to rest. It's hard when you have no one around you, physically, really to talk to. You can talk yourself in circles trying to decide if you should or shouldn't do something. For every reason why, you can come up with a reason why not.

I think you need to talk to someone, sweetie. Face to face. As much as we can do here, we're not there with you. And a lot of conversation is body language, and the cues given by people that aren't what they say. I don't think that being told here will put your mind at ease one way or the other.

What I will say, and what I've said all along, is that you aren't alone in this. Whatever you decide. And that I believe in you. *big hugs*

[Christy Lee]

1) I have trouble accepting ME sometimes, it doesnt seem real
I started my journey about a year ago. Up until last Thursday I had never gone outside fully dressed as Jessica. She went out again Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Although it felt 'right' it also felt 'wrong' at the same time. It felt right because the clothes fit and were comfortable, it made me happy, and I felt beautiful. It felt wrong because my name and gender don't match the person I have been hiding all of my life, and I am working to correct that. In your heart you already know the answer.

"it felt right, it also felt wrong" at the same time, thats exactly how it feels just going through to accept myself i still dress as a boy

2) Years of Internalized Transphobia, and trying not to be ME, its like i just cant get the words out.
I was born in 1962. Talk about growing up with phobias! If you were not a straight male or female you were considered to be perverted and were constantly threatened, chased, and beaten. There were no safe spaces back then. Throw away the labels, they only mean something to small-minded people. Just for one day be yourself, don't be concerned about anyone else or worry about what others may think. At the end of the day think about how you feel. You need to be true to yourself to find the peace within you.

Thing is like i said ive tried not to feel this way for so long i kinda feel stuck, i know things are kinda better now but it still hasnt been  an easy thing for me to accept

4) I feel to scared to start living as ME, what if im wrong?  What if i cant get Surgery?
Once you start HRT you will probably know within a few months if it is right for you. During my initial appointment I was nervous and scared, I was not really sure if this was right for me. During my next appointment four months later I was smiling the whole time, and as soon as the doctor came in she also began to smile. The effects of HRT are mostly reversible for the first six months or so, if it does not feel 'right' you can always stop. Not everyone feels the need for surgery, but it is slowly being covered by more and more health insurance policies. 

Thanks

3) I dont have too many supportive people in my life not really, i fear id be doing it alone
You could do this alone, but it would be very difficult. Having support does make the journey much easier, but you only need a few true friends who are supportive to ease the journey. For most of my journey I have only had two highly supportive friends, and one was a stranger when we met a year ago. Finding a support group may be a good idea for you, and of course you have friends here at Susan's Place.

Ill see what i can do here

4) I feel to scared to start living as ME, what if im wrong?  What if i cant get Surgery?
Once you start HRT you will probably know within a few months if it is right for you. During my initial appointment I was nervous and scared, I was not really sure if this was right for me. During my next appointment four months later I was smiling the whole time, and as soon as the doctor came in she also began to smile. The effects of HRT are mostly reversible for the first six months or so, if it does not feel 'right' you can always stop. Not everyone feels the need for surgery, but it is slowly being covered by more and more health insurance policies. 

I have been thinking of telling my doctor first, idk how LGBT friendly she is but she is maybe a little bit older  than myself so i think should be ok

5) I feel so stuck in my old ways, i dont know how to dig out of this whole sometimes
I have been living as a male for 55 years. I was in such a deep hole I was not sure that I would ever see light again. It does take time, patience, and desire. The sooner you start, the sooner you will reach your goal. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

I have been living as a male for 31 years, and that is how i feel now

6) Ive been single for a long time, low self esteem
Once I got out of the service I avoided doctors. I really did not care too much about myself. Once I decided to start my journey I began to care. When you start HRT your mood will most likely change, and you will probably feel better about yourself.

I feel like this and have felt like this for along time

7) My area isnt particularly Transgender friendly, its not anti Trans, but its not something you see alot of
I live in a reasonably conservative area with a population over 500,000. Although I have not personally met another transgender person yet, I have met many people who are trans friendly. In fact I have yet to meet someone who is anti-trans.

Where im from there is an estimated population of 440,000 people 7th largest city in Australia {Newcastle}, i havent met another transgender person yet eithers

color=blue]8 ) Ive always imagined the worst case scenarios, as a means of fighting against it[/color]
I though about this also. I realized if I started this path there was a chance that I could lose everyone in my life. The torment this has been causing me was slowly making life more and more difficult, and it finally reached the point that I could not continue down that path. Only you can decide. Do you want to continue living in misery, or do you want to take a gamble and have a chance to live in happiness as your true self? It took me over forty years to figure that out.

I have gone down this path, and through no fault of my own i have lost most everyone in my life anyway no matter which course i took here it was gonna be this way i think anyway so, and i am starting to reach that point where i dont want to be miserable anymore but i dont know how happy i will be either way sometimes i just feel doomed

It took me months to get up enough courage to come out to a friend, and it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but it was also one of the happiest moments of my life.

I am trying to psyche myself up now i guess to come out i dont really have many people to tell or many friends IRL

Internalized transphobia was a significant issue for me early on in transition. What really helped me get over that was going to some group therapy sessions with other trans people. I was scared to death the first few I went to, but doing that was critical. Seeing how normal other transpeople were had a profound impact on me. When the sessions were over we started hanging out and doing stuff. That really showed me that transitioning is really possible and most of my fears weren't really warranted.

Im glad that worked for you

[Christy Lee]

Yes, we all get this.  Some of us call them WTF moments: What the heck am I doing making my life complicated when it could just go on the way it always has?  Well the way my life went sucked, and it would have gone further downhill if I hadn't done something about it.

yes its exactly how i feel, it feels like a barrier still for me, and yes i feel like that is going to happen to me if i dont do anything now but again barrier .....

Getting the words out is hard, especially the first time.  It helps if you write out the words or rehearse them in your mind.  That way, when the time comes, you can concentrate on overcoming the fear and not have to think about what you want to say.

I am doing this now, i wrote a letter to mum, talking about how i feel,how i have felt since i found out i havent shown her yet, but it was very hard and upsetting just to write the latter, and i have been rehearsing as well a little bit

Thanks

Getting the words out is hard, especially the first time.  It helps if you write out the words or rehearse them in your mind.  That way, when the time comes, you can concentrate on overcoming the fear and not have to think about what you want to say.
This is where being a part of a support group can really help.
How can you be wrong about what you want?
ME: I want to tansition.
{lightning bolt}
BOOMING VOICE FROM THE SKY: No you don't!  {Smack}

Usually for me its

I want to be female
no you were born a guy, so shut up 

Something like that

But yeah thats exactly it

Are you likely to be refused surgery on medical grounds?  Not many people are.  Are you worried about the cost?  You may have to delay surgery while you save, but money problems are solveable.

I had some stuff as a child, but ive had major surgeries in the past couple of years so i feel like i could do it now, however in the past ive always used this as a barrier to not do it i guess

One shovelful at a time. 

Transition is a big project, and if you don't already have project management skills, you will have them by the time you are done.  But even the biggest project is tackled one task at a time.  Just pick one thing that needs doing and do it.  Repeat until done.

I have begun doing slightly more feminine things, it has made me a little happier but also kinda more unhappy and dysphoric i guess, why didnt i do it sooner? why wasnt i just born female? .... stuff like that

I wouldn't recommend tackling the single part while transitioning.  But you have to believe that your real self, the person inside that you want to liberate, is a good person or you wouldn't be considering transition.  So remind yourself that you are a good person inside.  Then work on bringing that good person out into the open.

I lost sight of that for awhile

You aren't going to see a lot of trans people anywhere, outside of a support group.  We tend to blend into the woodwork because most of us are not motivated to expose ourselves.  We just want to get on with our lives.  Some live in stealth mode; the rest of us just dress and carry ourselves to blend in.  So low visibility doesn't mean much.

If your area isn't anti-trans, that is a good thing.  For the most part, that's all you need. 

I live in a small village, population 300 if you include the outlying farms.  The nearest town is a 20 minute drive from here.  The people here are fishermen or farmers.  Most are elderly.  Quite a few are your stereotypical hillbillies.  You couldn't dream up a worse place to transition, right?

I have been out, living here as myself full-time, for 9 months.  I participate in community events, and I am a member of the local volunteer fire department, a bunch of rednecks if ever there was one.  Do you know how many negative comments or dirty looks I have gotten?  Not a single one!  Most people have been supportive, and the worst treatment I have received is polite tolerance.

So don't pre-judge your neighbours.  If they are not hostile, you'll be okay.

I am glad things are going well for you

TBH i hadnt even begun to think about my neighbors .... we have only just moved into where we are now for about 2 years now

It is certainly good to be prepared for the worst.  Hope for the best; plan for the worst.  I do that too.  But the worst is an extreme.  It is less likely to happen than something much more acceptable.

Don't let fear hold you back.  It held me back for 60 years.  I really, really REALLY don't recommend that!

Thing is i have been using it as a barrier like i said, ive kinda got use to it favoring not to do it because the worst just seems unbearable for me

I have let fear hold me back for 31 years now, to the point i am even Asexual i just havent want to deal with any of that sexuality/being transgender, also the timing never seemed right

[Christy Lee]

Sorry for the triple post, and also the delay in replay guys, i wanted to reply to everyones comments on my OP, and i got very emotional in trying to reply to you girls

Hun. My first meeting with my support group there was a member who came dressed in a mini skirt and a full beard. They didn't seem too upset. Point being. Everyone is different. Celebrate that difference. You will have doubts. Lordy we all do from time to time. But I compare my past to how I feel now and I have had a successful life as a male, but now everything seems right, like it was always meant to be.

i guess ive always been afraid of that sort of image of myself idk (want to look as feminine as possible)

I am a very unsuccessful male, its almost embarrassing but i am glad you feel better about yourself

Christy, it seems like number 8 is ruling everything else. Picturing the worst case scenarios for everything is causing numbers 1-7, and it's that which you have to work on.

I know you've had trouble getting to see a therapist, but I do think it's something you should look at again, and see if there's a way you can do it. Just to talk if nothing else. It doesn't commit you to doing anything and it may put some of your fears to rest. It's hard when you have no one around you, physically, really to talk to. You can talk yourself in circles trying to decide if you should or shouldn't do something. For every reason why, you can come up with a reason why not.

I think you need to talk to someone, sweetie. Face to face. As much as we can do here, we're not there with you. And a lot of conversation is body language, and the cues given by people that aren't what they say. I don't think that being told here will put your mind at ease one way or the other.

What I will say, and what I've said all along, is that you aren't alone in this. Whatever you decide. And that I believe in you. *big hugs*

You are right about 8 causing 1-7 its very true its also causing 9-13 (unexpressed on here lol)

I have talked myself in circles for atleast 12/13 years its a barrier, its also something im use to almost like a friend kinda... a very bad friend.. that stops you from doing things LOL

I get that, i really do, im trying to psych myself up i guess , it helps to express my feelings on here, likewise you people have helped me to explore my feelings, and you especially Sephirah *hugs* so thank you

Thanks *hugs*

[Sephirah]

You are right about 8 causing 1-7 its very true its also causing 9-13 (unexpressed on here lol)

I have talked myself in circles for atleast 12/13 years its a barrier, its also something im use to almost like a friend kinda... a very bad friend.. that stops you from doing things LOL

I get that, i really do, im trying to psych myself up i guess , it helps to express my feelings on here, likewise you people have helped me to explore my feelings, and you especially Sephirah *hugs* so thank you

Thanks *hugs*

No need to thank me, sweetie. You did all the hard work. You've come a really long way. Tell you what, just think of it like you're talking to me, okay? Therapists are just people, hon. No different to you or me. Other than they've had training in how to listen and look for things in what people say. To ask questions. A bit like I do to folks here. They just want to help you figure yourself out. Not tell you who you are. That's something only you can do.

You can do it, Christy. I believe in you. *big hugs*

[Ashley92]

I really relate to everything you have holding you back too... and a lot of your responses to people's answers to your hesitations.

With myself, I have been aware this may be a thing for 12 years(I'm 26)... I don't have an answer for you, but I will say I hope you can find the strength and ability to come out so you can start living the life you know you want and deserve. I'd love to hear your story if/when you do (:

[Christy Lee]

So i havent done anything yet but ive just been really thinking about my life, and just how bad it has gotten last year i gave up, nothing suicidal i just kept thinking whats the point? and felt really defeated but i feel atleast in a better place then that this year, but ive just been really thinking about my life and like i want to be female yeah? what then? how am i gonna do it? etc what am i going to do after it? etc etc.. its been really emotional which is why i havent been on much or posting much lately this week

No need to thank me, sweetie. You did all the hard work. You've come a really long way. Tell you what, just think of it like you're talking to me, okay? Therapists are just people, hon. No different to you or me. Other than they've had training in how to listen and look for things in what people say. To ask questions. A bit like I do to folks here. They just want to help you figure yourself out. Not tell you who you are. That's something only you can do.

You can do it, Christy. I believe in you. *big hugs*

*hugs*

I really relate to everything you have holding you back too... and a lot of your responses to people's answers to your hesitations.

With myself, I have been aware this may be a thing for 12 years(I'm 26)... I don't have an answer for you, but I will say I hope you can find the strength and ability to come out so you can start living the life you know you want and deserve. I'd love to hear your story if/when you do (:

its been about 12 years or more for me too,  but lets hope we can both overcome this and find the strength and ability to come out start living life we deserve

[JulieAllana]

I have been living as a male for 31 years, and that is how i feel now

     I can relate to this.  I feel male because that is what I have made myself in my 41 years, but there is a female inside and SHE WANTS OUT.  I want her out too and I am slowly letting her out.  The more I do, the better I feel and the more feminine I feel. 
     Yesterday in fact was one of the first times I really felt girly, ironically while shaving my facial hair.  I felt like I shouldn't have to be doing this because I am a girl and it was frustrating.  When I dress female and go out, it feels right and I am happy even though doing so doesn't make me feel like a girl.  I have so much male baggage to jettison that that is just going to take some time. 
     One last thing, last night I went to a monthly men's club meeting at my son's school (plan on finishing out the school year and quitting as I am on a path away from manhood).  It was the first meeting I have gone to since figuring out I was trans.  While I get along with the guys I am really not one of them and my own interactions are forced and I feel out of place.  I always have and I just didn't really know why.

         You'll figure out how to move forwards,

                            Hugs,
                                   Julie

[Christy Lee]

So i have wrote a letter to my mum, i havent sent it but i jotted down all of my feelings since i was teen on this matter (this letter went for 3 pages LOL),

Since then i have been thinking about what next? thats more the scary part for me, it feels like for me personally, it wont be too much of a change, but everyone around me and everything around me it will be huge and i just dont know what to do there, how to proceed, i think this is what has been holding me back like im using it as an excuse not to come out... idk

However at the same time, the dysphoria has been really kicking my butt lately  really screaming at me..... and wont shut up now

     I can relate to this.  I feel male because that is what I have made myself in my 41 years, but there is a female inside and SHE WANTS OUT.  I want her out too and I am slowly letting her out.  The more I do, the better I feel and the more feminine I feel. 
     Yesterday in fact was one of the first times I really felt girly, ironically while shaving my facial hair.  I felt like I shouldn't have to be doing this because I am a girl and it was frustrating.  When I dress female and go out, it feels right and I am happy even though doing so doesn't make me feel like a girl.  I have so much male baggage to jettison that that is just going to take some time. 
     One last thing, last night I went to a monthly men's club meeting at my son's school (plan on finishing out the school year and quitting as I am on a path away from manhood).  It was the first meeting I have gone to since figuring out I was trans.  While I get along with the guys I am really not one of them and my own interactions are forced and I feel out of place.  I always have and I just didn't really know why.

         You'll figure out how to move forwards,

                            Hugs,
                                   Julie

Sorry took me so long to reply I totally get the shaving thing, i will sometimes let my beard grow out rather than shaving, until it bothers me that i have a beard LOL atm i am always in boy mode so i dont have to worry so much about it atm  ....

*hugs*

[AnnMarie2017]

Hi, Christy,

There is really only one answer to your situation.

Consequences don't matter. The opinions of other people don't matter. Nothing matters except being who you really are. Nothing.

Once you understand that, the rest is simple. Not easy -- hard as hell, sometimes, in fact -- but simple. Love yourself. Be true to yourself. No matter what happens after, it won't be as bad as not being true to yourself.

You can manage the time and place of your coming out, up to a point. But it's going to happen. Be glad.

[Kendra]

I'll quote Steve Jobs - commencement speech to the class of 2005, Stanford University.

"For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something."

[Sephirah]

So i have wrote a letter to my mum, i havent sent it but i jotted down all of my feelings since i was teen on this matter (this letter went for 3 pages LOL),

Since then i have been thinking about what next? thats more the scary part for me, it feels like for me personally, it wont be too much of a change, but everyone around me and everything around me it will be huge and i just dont know what to do there, how to proceed, i think this is what has been holding me back like im using it as an excuse not to come out... idk

However at the same time, the dysphoria has been really kicking my butt lately  really screaming at me..... and wont shut up now

There comes a point, Christy, where you have to stop trying to be responsible for other peoples' lives. People deal with things in their own way. Whatever that may be. But that's on them. It's not on you. Let me ask you something: how would you feel if someone close to you told you something lifechanging? Would you blame them for telling you, and for having to deal with it? Or would you just deal with it?

That's the thing. If you go through life not wanting to rock the boat, then the boat never gets anywhere. Okay it may be huge for people around you... but ultimately so what? It's their choice how to deal with it, sweetie. It's not your responsibility to never do or say anything out of fear of making them have to. They're as much individuals as you are, and are as capable of adapting to things as you are.

Your fear of doing something which stops people living their lives the way they want to is stopping you from living your life the way you want to, sweetie. You have no less worth, or value than anyone else. You deserve to live your life on your own terms no less than anyone else does. It isn't a trade off. Why should you be shut in a box just so no one else has to deal with it? That's what life is, Christy. Things happen to us and we deal with them. We don't blame the ones who make stuff happen. Or we shouldn't.

I know how big a thing this is for you. I remember feeling the same way so many times. Once it's out there, it's out there. There ain't no way that cat is getting back in the bag. And I know that feeling can be paralysing. I wish I could make it easier for you because I know that this is one of the hardest steps you ever have to take. All I can say is you don't owe anyone a life, Christy. No one other than yourself. Let other people be adults and deal with it their own way. If they can't, that isn't your problem. You aren't doing anything wrong. You're just being yourself, okay?

I believe in you. *hugs*