Quote from: p on January 24, 2018, 11:49:02 AM
My dear, sweet Laurie, I am so glad to hear that you are experiencing some relief from some of your darkest thoughts. You are so kind for continuing to reach out to Sara and letting her know that she is not alone in this life. This generosity and warmth is what draws so many of us here on Susan's to you. I hope that in the coming months you will be able to see what we see and to say the words "I love you, Laurie" and to mean them. That's a big step, certainly, but I have been following your progress, and I think it's possible. Sending lots of love! 
Patty,
Always my #1 fan. Your words have brought the first tears to run down my cheek in a few days. I welcome the tears because they acknowledge that I have friends that not only care about me, but also touch my heart strings. My inability to accept that caring is still something I have to deal with eventually, but that is my problem and I welcome knowing that you all do care in spite of it.
I don't think I would be here to read them if not for the unwavering help and support of you and so many others here on Susan's Place. I also know that some of you had shared my doubts on making it this long. I was at a point where I was just waiting for spring When life begins anew, bringing new growth and beauty to the mountain forests here in Oregon. I had already decided on how and though not the specific spot (that was to be found during my last drive up into the mountains) The only thing left was the waiting. My plan was complete.
I think I can say now that my plan is at least on hold. As I've mentioned before I felt the pills had started working. I am now sure they are. The first indication was that I wasn't actively thinking of the how. Though I had made my plan that still applies because it was no longer in my thoughts. The next was the where left my thoughts, aging I had my plan but like the how, where wasn't occupying my thoughts. When was slowly slipping away to and involved into banishing the thought of doing it myself. I still had no desire to be here but now it was morphed into just welcoming so other path leading to my demise. An accident, my cancer returning, anything that would do the job. I didn't want to be here. Recently I've been fearful to say anything more than "I am a bit better" because I didn't want to put into words read by you here that read my thread, lest I fall back into my bad thinking. The truth is that I have been feeling a lot better. I think you all have probably noticed it in my more recent posts. I won't say I am happy. I won't say I'm past this depression. I have to say I am still not sure that I want to be here but neither am I sure that I don't any more. I'm more ambivalent about it.
I don't trust this change in me, because I know it is the pills causing these changes. Nothing else has changed. All my issues are still there, because nothing has been done to resolve them. They will likely come back if I were to stop taking the pills so I will continue to take them. Perhaps now my therapist and I can work on those issues. Maybe now I can resolve or at least accept some. Maybe now I will be able to learn to accept myself.
Maybe now I can hope.
Hugs,
Laurie
