Re: Here I go again :-( 2.0

[Laurie]

Kendra,

  IF I ever get the forms and see if I can change it  I will be Laurie Jeanette XXXXXXX.  Take a poll if you want but I can assure you, it will not be Chronicles.

Tessa,

"may have disturbed some delicate arrangements in your psyche"  You may be right the harrowing traumatic experience with that Michelle may have had some small effect on me. I was in deep thought most of the way home with very strange things going round and round in my head. Dare I say a glimmer of hope? No, no that can't be possible,,, but something...
   The name change thing may not even be possible. The laws have changed but without getting those forms in my hands I don't know how. There may still be road blocks that I saw on the old forms. I'll have to see. Then I can start to figure some things out. But I need that names change to move forward at all. I'm not optimist, never have been as I am a pessimist/procrastinator who prefers to see the worst and deal it when I have to... or not.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Kendra]

I understand Chronicles won't be your middle name.  That's ok.  Laurie Jeanette Chronicles is a wonderful name.

I'm not an optimist either.  If I need glasses I'll make an appointment to see an optimist.  Takes focus.

[Laurie]

Though I'm not a visionary, am I getting an insight that you are trying to incite the other hooligans again?

[davina61]

You making a spectacle of your self again? Must get a move on with my name change or you will beat  me . The last part of you adventure made my lunch time again , you should try writing short stories or am I magnifying things .

[steph2.0]

I understand Chronicles won't be your middle name.  That's ok.  Laurie Jeanette Chronicles is a wonderful name.

I'm not an optimist either.  If I need glasses I'll make an appointment to see an optimist.  Takes focus.

I raise my glasses to that.

[Sarah_P]

A (not-so?) classic case of Stockholm Syndrome!
NAME CHANGE FORMS!!! You'll get them. You'll get it changed!
... are you SURE you don't want your middle name to be something silly? It's a great opportunity! Anything goes! I'm fond of titles. You could be Laurie 'The Wanderer' XXXXXXX. Or 'The Wise'. Or even 'the Awesome'. You get the idea. Or maybe you don't? I'm sure I could come up with several more options.... 

[Laurie]

A (not-so?) classic case of Stockholm Syndrome!
NAME CHANGE FORMS!!! You'll get them. You'll get it changed!
... are you SURE you don't want your middle name to be something silly? It's a great opportunity! Anything goes! I'm fond of titles. You could be Laurie 'The Wanderer' XXXXXXX. Or 'The Wise'. Or even 'the Awesome'. You get the idea. Or maybe you don't? I'm sure I could come up with several more options.... 

  Those names would really be silly for me. and they are more of a title than a middle name. Beside my initials are LJW and it's going to stay that way.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Dena]

Why go to the court for the paper work when it's available online. You will have to visit the court in order to file it and do any additional requirements like seeing a judge. I didn't read all the details as it took hours of research from me to get all the details of mine down.

[Cassi]

I raise my glasses to that.

If trekker middle name should be Tiberirus (sp), if not, middle name should be Narnia

[Shy]

Good luck with the name change Laurie. I'm all for Jeanette, weird celebrity names are soooo 90's   Laurie J has a real nice ring to it



Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Michelle_P]

Why go to the court for the paper work when it's available online. You will have to visit the court in order to file it and do any additional requirements like seeing a judge. I didn't read all the details as it took hours of research from me to get all the details of mine down.

In some states like Oregon there are slightly different forms for each county.  Other states like California have (mostly) moved to standardized form sets.  Not all counties put the forms online.

It's really, really annoying.  One more roadblock thrown up by unthinking bureaucrats, really.

[Laurie]

Why go to the court for the paper work when it's available online. You will have to visit the court in order to file it and do any additional requirements like seeing a judge. I didn't read all the details as it took hours of research from me to get all the details of mine down.

  Thank you Dena for trying I know how you like to be as helpful as you can and I appreciate it, but... You apparently did not see this part of my post.

They made changes to the requirements this year and it is not available online yet. So to see what's changed I had to go there.

Additionally you did not know because I didn't tell anyone what my county I live in. You did the same thing I diid awhile ago when I looked for information about name changing before. and did not notice this statement on the site you linked near the top of the page.

This page contains many forms that are specific for the Clackamas County Circuit Court.

You guessed it. I don't live in that county. And that page has probably not been updated either. the forms I need are not available online yet and need to be picked up in person.

But you did try Dena and thank you for doing it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Laurie]

  Thank you Sadie, I like it too.

And thank you Michelle.  I obviously did not read your post after reading Dena's. So I duplicated your efforts to respond to Dena.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Laurie]

 Once again I wrote a post in another thread that is better suited in my own. ( Sorry Denni it is better here )

Here it is:

    I'm torn and not even sure if what I am going to say has a place here. I am living full time as most here know. I am in transition and have been doing hrt, electrolysis, and voice training (done now), and therapy for various issues. All this means is that I am a transgender female. I know this, I believe this, but I have yet to fully accept this due to a bit of internalized transphobia and self deprecation. All that means is that I do not like myself. I could even go as far as saying I hate who I was and fear I still am. This and other issues make it difficult for me to see a future. I have been struggling with just wanting to be alive. Thanks to medications it is not a focus for me now But those dark thoughts are still there, lurking in the shadows. I feel them there. I'm still not sure I want to be here but I am also not sure I don't.  As you can imagine this has pretty much derailed my thoughts of moving forward. I'm stuck marching in place. I wanted  a couple of things  fixed  at a minimum, an adam's apple shaved and at least 2 of the three dangly parts removed. But they  could be done with other surgeries that I think I would like but are not necessarily requirements because I haven't thought that far ahead. Even the thoughts of them have been stymied.
   On one hand I feel like I am being left behind and running out of time from both age and health issues. Those do make me sad but I don't feel any urgency. I think I want them but it is not that important when you don't see a future, nor really care about having one.  It is not all negative though. Recent escapades with visiting friends have helped. I think I see a glimmer of hope that I haven't had for a long time. Just a glimmer, but it's there, I am sure. My fear is that it might be extinguished. As a pessimist that is my expectation.
  What I am saying I think, is that I don't know what I want in the future because I don't know if I have a future and to some extent having one doesn't matter. I have a long way to go but not necessary the will to go on.

  That is probably not what you wanted to read here but it is my reality.  Sorry.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Michelle_P]

Laurie, you have to speak your truth, which you do, and we appreciate.

As you say, there is a glimmer of hope there.  Hold that, and don't let the darkness overwhelm you.  You have friends here who care about you.  You do have a future!

I know the health issues weigh on you.  Age isn't an issue for us, though.  There's an 80 year old here in my group that just went through GCS, and she's doing fine.  We can make ourselves right, without regard to age it seems.   I don't think even your health issues can really stand in the way.

You need to be yourself, finally and truely.  This place is here to help, as are your friends.

May I be happy.
May I know my true worth.
May I know that I am lovable.
May I love myself with ease.

You know what to do, I think...   

[Cindy]

Hi Laurie,

I'm back after a break and although we have talked I think it worthwhile to post this.

We know that we march a similar path and my break was associated with scans and checks and a 12 month anniversary with the thought of.. is it worth it? I live on borrowed time, how do I commit? how do I keep going? Is there anything worthwhile I can aim for or am I best just waiting for the inevitable call of ..It's back.

Firstly be cautious of shaving the Adam's Apple, I had the ultimate shave and the effect has been stunning 

As for running out of time and is it all worth the struggle. Well we are in the same boat on that. For my scan yesterday I sat next to a woman who has a brain tumour as we had our radio-contrast lines put in. She looked poorly and she made a comment that I looked well, that was nice of her. I couldn't speak as my arms were being used, she looked a little taken aback until I got one hand free and could talk to her and apologise.

We had a nice chat and explained our circumstance and our fears, as only the living dead can. I told her of my frustration of not knowing whether to or how find a life to live.

She told me that her scan was to let her know when she should go in for end of life care. That was all she had left and she would go there alone.

She told me that I did have a voice and to go out and use it and not count the days; they count themselves.

I think I will take that lesson and try and live it. I won't count the days, maybe neither of us should.

Cindy

[Jayne01]

Once again I wrote a post in another thread that is better suited in my own. ( Sorry Denni it is better here )

Here it is:

    I'm torn and not even sure if what I am going to say has a place here. I am living full time as most here know. I am in transition and have been doing hrt, electrolysis, and voice training (done now), and therapy for various issues. All this means is that I am a transgender female. I know this, I believe this, but I have yet to fully accept this due to a bit of internalized transphobia and self deprecation. All that means is that I do not like myself. I could even go as far as saying I hate who I was and fear I still am. This and other issues make it difficult for me to see a future. I have been struggling with just wanting to be alive. Thanks to medications  it is not a focus for me now But those dak thoughts are still there, lurking in the shadows. I feel them there. I'm still not sure I want to be here but I am also not sure I don't.  As you can imagine this has pretty much derailed my thoughts of moving forward. I'm stuck marching in place. I wanted  a couple of things  fixed  at a minimum, an adam's apple shaved and at least 2 of the three dangly parts removed. But they  could be done with other surgeries that I think I would like but are not necessarily requirements because I haven't thought that far ahead. Even the thoughts of them have been stymied.
   On one hand I feel like I am being left behind and running out of time from both age and health issues. Those do make me sad but I don't feel any urgency. I think I want them but it is not that important when you don't see a future, nor really care about having one.  It is not all negative though. Recent escapades with visiting friends have helped. I think I see a glimmer of hope that I haven't had for a long time. Just a glimmer, but it's there, I am sure. My fear is that it might be extinguished. As a pessimist that is my expectation.
  What I am saying I think, is that I don't know what I want in the future because I don't know if I have a future and to some extent having one doesn't matter. I have a long way to go but not necessary the will to go on.

  That is probably not what you wanted to read here but it is my reality.  Sorry.

Hugs,
  Laurie

SLAP!!! SHAKE!!! (((HUG)))

See what you made me do. You got me out of hiding so that I can slap/shake/hug you. I have been keeping up to date reading your thread (and others too), but not posting anything due to some personal things I am dealing with.

Of course what you have to say has a place here. Where else would you say it? Your recent trip is proof that you can be happy and feel hope. Reading the Laurie Chronicles was very entertaining and also heart warming to see you happy. Don't let those negative thoughts overwhelm you. We are seeing more and more of the new and improved Laurie (Jeanette). You can do this. You know who you are, you know what you want/need to do. Live your life. And like Cindy said in her post, don't count the days, they can count just fine on their own. Instead, take whatever positives you can and make the most of them.

Now I need to go hide back in my corner.

Be good to yourself, Laurie (Jeanette)!

Jayne

[Faith]

Laurie, I am not going to quote your whole text I just want you to know what I 'heard' when I read it.

"I hesitate to go forward because I can 'see' the light coming for me and I fear that it will slip from my grasp leaving me in darkness, forever shrouding my spirit"

Many reasons people fear happiness, one of which is feeling unworthy, many more reasons to accept the happiness coming for you, it wouldn't be there if you hadn't earned it.

embrace it, take it in, let it consume you.

[Laurie]

 Thank you ladies for your thoughts, slaps, shakes and hugs. They all help this uncertain troubled mind.

Michelle  -  Yes I know, say the Michelle mantra over and over and think of what it makes me feel, what thoughts come to mind.
            May I be happy.
            May I know my true worth.
            May I know that I am lovable.
            May I love myself with ease.

Jayne  -   It's about time you showed up again. I should have known you were watching waiting for a chance to smack me again.  I hope you are enjoying the vacation but suspect it has become a struggle for you. That just demonstrates that you need to be who you are. the girl we all see in you. Be at peace, Jayne it will all work itself out.

Faith - I know I didn't write those words. And I'm not sure how you come up with them from what I did write but I never was good at literature interpretation. But I do appreciate the thought you expressed and yes they has some truth in them for me. Thank you.

Cindy  -  My kindred spirit. You probably understand me better than I do myself. Yes we do walk similar paths and share that feeling of living on borrowed time. No one who hasn't been through similar situations as you and I can understand this feeling. The living dead indeed. It's just a matter of time and how much we may have left we don't know. Not even that nice lady you spoke with who was there to find out how close she may be. When you live on borrowed time it is hard to think beyond that next check up. Your thoughts stop at that next appointment, there is nothing beyond it. At least not until the doctor delivers that verdict you find you are holding your breath for again.. And it is a verdict, it means death or live for another finite time. A reprieve until the next checkup. In my case it three more months I can live.
  You ask, "How do I keep going?" where I ask, why do I keep going? I don't have an answer to either. It seems pointless. But we do, one day at a time we put one foot in front of the other and carry on. And we wait for what both of us believe is the inevitable. Some days it can't come soon enough and other we don't want to see that day ever. But we are the living dead. Kindred spirits adrift through time.... waiting.

[Jayne01]

Laurie, I can't begin to understand what it must be like going to such doctor appointments and then waiting for results. One thing for certain is that none of us can know how much time we have left. A tragic accident could take anyone at any time. Last year, when I had hit rock bottom and very nearly created my very own custom tragic "accident" for myself reminds me how close I came to not being here today. From that dark time I have learnt that life is to be cherished and lived to the fullest.

You ask yourself "why" you keep going? That is easy to answer. You keep going because life is wonderful. You experienced some of this joy and wonder recently, drinking your morning dark elixir with some creature named Michelle.

You are not the living dead. You are the living. For as long as you still breath, and your big beautiful heart still beats, yo are alive. Treat yourself as the living. You will have plenty of time to be among the dead at some unknown time in the future, so don't concern yourself with that.

I certainly hope what I just wrote reads the way it sounded in my head.

Take care.

Jayne