Quote from: Jayne01 on April 30, 2018, 03:52:52 PM
Laurie, this is just your fear talking. You have already recognized that which is great. Don't let the fear control you. Recognize it and move on. Legally changing your name is a significant event in your life. Having fears and questions come to the surface is to be expected. But you've got this. I would like to add to the other comments referring you to your recent road trip. Remember the Laurie that got in her lorry and drove it over 10,000 miles around the country meeting all these wonderful people.m? Every single one of those people you met were thrilled to meet you. You are an awesome person. You know who you are.
You said that you don't know "what" you are. Let me help you with that. "What" implies that you are referring to an object or a thing, something deserving of a label or being put in a box. You are none of those. You are YOU, so much more than any label can describe. You are one of a kind, as we all are. You know who you are in your heart. Own it!
Jayne
Yes,
@Jayne01, You are right it is fear, more precisely it is panic. Panic and doubt about doing the right thing and yet I know it is the right thing and I need to do this. I will do this. Then I will eventually move on to the next step no doubt full of doubt too. Thank you for your thoughts. I'm surprised you didn't include a slap with them. You are correct, I am Laurie, me, and one of a kind. (That is a good thing for you folks)
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on April 30, 2018, 03:55:25 PM
@Laurie Very nicely written and a good treatise on being a full-time trans-woman with a female name and documents to match.
Very nice to see your reply with answers and advice that will be a help all of those that have not quite yet gotten near the end of their journey.
Hugs,
Danielle
Thank you,
@Alaskan Danielle. I had to laugh a bit at your reply. I'm afraid I wasn't thinking what I was writing would be a help to anyone really. They were more musings from my jumbled thoughts about myself and my current turmoil over changing my name. In the end the change is a necessary step in this process of becoming Laurie. But it will not make me a woman. None of the steps we take can do that. This is because as Liz has said, we are women, we have always been women. Now if I can only come to believe that in my own mind I will be that woman I want to be. I'm working on it.
Quote from: sarah1972 on May 01, 2018, 08:18:02 AM
Can we blame the full moon this weekend for the increase in meltdowns?
Sorry for catching up so late. Having these doubts seems to be part of the transition unfortunately and I do believe any one of us has had them at times. At least I have had those and keep having those. Keep in mind, transitioning is one of the hardest and most challenging things anyone can do. It is also one of the most rewarding ones!
You are a beautiful women Laurie! Not only at the outside but even more important on the inside.
There are several big steps in a transition and every single one will cause doubts. I had written my work coming out email weeks before sending it and I had to wait for a great week of being Sarah to finally have the courage to send it. I hit send and immediately had doubts if it was the right thing.
I am very proud of you taking another big step forward! I know you have doubts, but having had the chance to meet Laurie and see your happiness showed me how far you have come in your journey.
A name is only an outward representation - so changing it to match who you are could be compared to change your makeup or dye your hair a different color (at least that is how I see it)
I know many are dysphoric about their past and go through great efforts to cover up their past. I have decided for myself to accept my old self. It is part of who I am and who I will be in the future. I hope this will also help me not seeing a name change as erasing my past, but in parts it still is.
Stay strong Laurie! You have so many fans and friends around the world (especially considering how we all lined up and fought for an audience with queen Laurie).
Hugs Sarah
Thank you for your thoughts also,
@sarah1972 . Again, I can't see that woman inside or on the outside that many of you say they see. I wish I could. It is what I want. I wish changing my name was as easy as changing my makeup. (Coloring my hair is another matter. I'd need some hair to color first.) But you are right about doubts and taking steps. Each I have undertaken have been full of doubts. Like those before I will take this one.
I am very glad that we did get to meet Sarah. You impressed me with your attitude and resolve to do what you need to do. Just look at you going to the gym and using the locker room that is appropriate for your. I read and enjoy your updates.I do like your avatar too and not just because I took the picture. It reminds me of our meeting each time I see it.
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 02, 2018, 12:45:07 AM
Yes it is good to see you home 
I applaud your progress you are exactly right you have moved on....12 months ago you were struggling to get past all the self hate and now look at you...happy, with a girlfriend, loving what you have....that is a far better place than you were...by far
You are a woman, you always have been a woman, you are slow to recognise her(but then most of us are)...you can't learn to be a woman...you can learn all the outward stuff, voice, clothes makeup etc etc but the rest is just you being true to yourself and when you are, that is when your "womanliness" shines through. You and I may never be able to fully extinguish our male conditioning but I for one am not going to stop trying without letting it consiume me.
I understand how it feels not to accept yourself as I still have moments where I think I have dived head first into a straight jacket...but then I only have to sit and listen to the quiet of my inner self to know i have made the right decions. I can become still, the turmoil that used to be my loud and constant companion is now a murmur of its former self.
Should have my new camera b y Friday so maybe we can try a skype?
Take care
Liz
Thank you
@ElizabethK, You have helped me so much with so many things. You are so right about my being in a far better frame of mind these days. I am not sure I would be here today without your help. I mean that lady. Tears are flowing as I type this. Thank you.
You are always telling me I am a woman and damn it I do want to be one. I wish I could accept what you and others try to tell me but then I run into those acceptance issues. I don't know what it will take to overcome them and accept that yes, I am a woman but I know it will take more than a name and clothes.
Yes, when you get your new webcam we will try both your and mine out with Skype.
Quote from: Tessa James on May 02, 2018, 01:53:41 PM
Laurie you are a soul searching kinda gal and a good pal too. Our individual paths have known decades of self doubt, shame and that awful sense of failure. Sometimes this results in internalized transphobia and a reluctance to accept ourselves. I hated being a failed man but love being Tessa now.
For some of us no amount of transitional change, body, comportment, voice or other assistance will get us to self acceptance. For some of us there is also a middle ground or, in my case, the realization and acceptance of having a non binary gender identity. I wish I could clearly parse out all the reasons for being here in this middle ground but suffice it to say this is where I am really happy and need no more to feel content going on six years.
My individual trip is unlike most and no reflection of yours but I share your reluctance to call myself a woman. The language is but a part of feeling very different from other women and men cis ,straight, gay or binary trans.
What I have done is make the changes to my ID and personal affect to reduce the discrimination, bigotry and hassle one can get with mismatched ID and appearance. I have less hassles with TSA/airline travel, police and a sense of confidence having my name and gender more congruent.
I submit that you can own your name and gender while still sorting out your feelings and place in the universe. We need not have all the answers to make changes that work for us right now. While surgery is pretty much irreversible, people have changed their names multiple times. I think we are limited to once a year in Oregon. Damn the torpedoes. Have at it girl!
@Tessa James my friend, I thank you for your thoughts and encouragement and you are right I need to go ahead and do this thing. I've gotten over that initial panic and am committed to doing it. Now if I can just get myself there to do it.
Quote from: davina61 on May 02, 2018, 03:28:21 PM
Did you make the 20 miles ( a doddle for you surly) sorry Laurie not Shirley. Forms deposited?
@davina61 , No
I did not. This is an example of why Laurie does not make "Plans". I had set 3 alarms from 5:30am so I would get up eat, dress, do my makeup and drive those 20 miles and be there by 8am to turn these forms in. There was something on the sticky note about these being taken care of 8 or 8:30 to 9am. I got up about 7:30 having dismissed all 3 alarms. /sigh
Again thank all of you for sharing your thoughts and kind comments. I will get the paperwork turned in. When? I don't know, but it will get done. I have said it and because it is posted, I am committed to doing it.
Love & Hugs,
Laurie
