Re: Here I go again :-( 2.0

[LizK]

Well well aren't you rocketing along with a passport on the way now...That's a nice photo of you for your passport.

I meant to say to you about your walk you mentioned on my thread...you walked about 10ks from what you said. That is a great effort. I didn't realise how far you were actually going on these walks. I find I am just getting into the rhythm of my walk from a cardio point of view when I hit that 5k but my stupid hip won't play the game. Well done you!!

Glad things are going so well for you, we should skype again soon and catch up on all your latest changes!!

Take Care

Liz

[Jessica]

Well well aren't you rocketing along with a passport on the way now...That's a nice photo of you for your passport.

I meant to say to you about your walk you mentioned on my thread...you walked about 10ks from what you said. That is a great effort. I didn't realise how far you were actually going on these walks. I find I am just getting into the rhythm of my walk from a cardio point of view when I hit that 5k but my stupid hip won't play the game. Well done you!!

Glad things are going so well for you, we should skype again soon and catch up on all your latest changes!!

Take Care

Liz

@ElizabethK 

Liz, I was impressed by that comment on your thread by Laurie also.  10k is a excellent distance to gain exercise....but the 5k you do is just as valuable!  Well done you two!

[Jessica]

@Laurie @Michelle_P

Oh where oh where is our wandering waif gone off to?.. she hasn't been updating her thread!

Have the badgers found their revenge for her trapping them back east when they were closing in on her? (Will Lady Jessica heal from the bites as she freed them?)

Has she started Road Trip 3.0?

Did Mistress Michelle finally get the fluffy cuffs on her, and is feeding her cookies at this moment?

We will never know unless she finds a telegraph?, a pen and paper?, a fax machine? or her awesome array of geek stuff?

[Laurie]

Hello Folks,

  Nothing new going on. My bank accounts have my new name on them and new cards received. My social security card arrived but I'm still waiting on my medicare care. You all know I think that my driver's licence and birth certificate have been received. My car insurance is changed. Passport applied for and still in the works.
  I went to visit Michelle for a week and I am home once again so I could  attend to a therapy appointment today. He asked if I was in love and I was able to tell him I believe so, or at least I can tell Michelle I love her and not flinch. It isn't something that comes easy to my lips. He also asked if I had been thinking of having any body work done. I told him I have been thinking of joining Kaiser Permanente in order to have GCS. I also brought up the subject of possible letters I may need if I decided to go forward on GCS. He said he is able to an would write one for me should I need it. Me GP will also do the same I think he told me. Another think I brought up when I was telling him about my name and gender document changes. I told him I was a bit concerned about my own reaction to making the changes. I see it as something I need to do because I am transitioning. Something required. I find no actual joy in it. This as you might imagine is cause for concern. It's still that, "Am I doing the right thing?" "Was my daughter right? Is it just another diversion, a grasping for a reason for be being the ass I have been?" Am I fooling myself? Am I going to regret this too after messing up her life more and those of my grand kids? And what about Michelle? Will I ruin her life too? I wish I knew the answers.
  Nothing here to see folks. Move along.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Laurie
Dear Laurie:  It was great to see your update after your trip to visit  @Michelle_P  and be a witness to her leading her church service.... and all those terrific pictures of you and @Jessica  at that luncheon.  It was wonderful to read and see about all of that.

In your post you have stated lots of serious things that need serious consideration for sure.  Think twice, perhaps much more... then make a decision (and decisions) that fits with your life goals.   This is all very complicated for sure.

Again, thank you for updating...
Hugs,
Danielle

[Dena]

Laurie, the transition only deals with one thing in your life and that's the dysphoria. Have you become comfortable with your body and you life as far as gender issues? If so, your doing the right thing. The other issues in your life will need to be addressed just as a CIS person would address their issues. You will need to fix what you can then forgive and forget about the rest. It's not easy and it why CIS people see therapist as well.

[davina61]

With my name change it was necessary to fit in with the ME that was happening, but that's the me that's living my life. Only thing now is work, it brings the old me out. Only you will know whats righto fit the way you feel, if you need surgery to feel right then go ahead ( I do) and as to not much going on day to day that's life unless you live in a soap!!!!(sometimes I think you do) Stay safe and look after your love XXXX

[Michelle_P]

Getting my name and gender marker change approved by the court did give me some joy, a sense of victory, that I had gotten the State to acknowledge who I am.  Getting the various ID documents corrected was more of a chore, but I was happy when it was done because I was tired of outing myself with every purchase in a store, every car repair, every trip taken... 

I was happy that I wouldn't be getting that hairy eyeball 👁 stare every time I had to present an ID or bank card.  Not so much joy, as relief, really.

And Laurie, my life is MINE to celebrate or ruin, just as your daughter's life is hers.  You do you, be honest and open with others close to you, and treat yourself with the respect you deserve.  Others may respond in kind, or process your every word and action through an ideological funhouse mirror.  That is THEIR choice, their responsibility, and possibly their curse.  You didn't do that to them, and their funhouse mirror reflection of you is not YOU.

With love and respect,
Michelle

[Anne Blake]

Laurie, I agree with Michelle!

Tia Anne

[Jayne01]

Hello Folks,

  Nothing new going on. My bank accounts have my new name on them and new cards received. My social security card arrived but I'm still waiting on my medicare care. You all know I think that my driver's licence and birth certificate have been received. My car insurance is changed. Passport applied for and still in the works.
  I went to visit Michelle for a week and I am home once again so I could  attend to a therapy appointment today. He asked if I was in love and I was able to tell him I believe so, or at least I can tell Michelle I love her and not flinch. It isn't something that comes easy to my lips. He also asked if I had been thinking of having any body work done. I told him I have been thinking of joining Kaiser Permanente in order to have GCS. I also brought up the subject of possible letters I may need if I decided to go forward on GCS. He said he is able to an would write one for me should I need it. Me GP will also do the same I think he told me. Another think I brought up when I was telling him about my name and gender document changes. I told him I was a bit concerned about my own reaction to making the changes. I see it as something I need to do because I am transitioning. Something required. I find no actual joy in it. This as you might imagine is cause for concern. It's still that, "Am I doing the right thing?" "Was my daughter right? Is it just another diversion, a grasping for a reason for be being the ass I have been?" Am I fooling myself? Am I going to regret this too after messing up her life more and those of my grand kids? And what about Michelle? Will I ruin her life too? I wish I knew the answers.
  Nothing here to see folks. Move along.

Hi Laurie,

I have been a little slow catching up with everybody. Thank you for updating us on how YOU are going. I will start with the last comments you made. You can never be held responsible for ruining anyone's life unless you have carried out a deliberate malicious act against someone with intent to cause harm. With everything else, people are responsible for their own lives and happiness.

I am really liking the way you are thinking about yourself and what makes you happy. You are starting to think about GCS which is a huge decision. And reflecting on how you feel about your name changing process is another example of Laurie thinking about what is best for Laurie. I'm proud of you. I haven't started the name change process for myself, I imagine that many parts of it will be nothing more than a chore. Telling a faceless bank, or government agency that my name is now Jayne instead of John has no real effect on my life. Those people won't know me and we would probably never speak again after the name change is completed. It seems to be a different story when it is a more personal experience. If I remember correctly, you were happy, possibly even excited when you first received the court papers and then your driver's licence with your new name and sharing that information with your friends here on the forum. You were even signing off on your posts with your full name for a little while. You were (and still are) "Laurie (officially)". That part seemed like joy to me.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Stevi]

Laurie,

So sorry to learn that you are experiencing, pardon my Latin, brain flatulence.  Not everything we need to accomplish results in elation.  Sometimes it is just a simple "Finally, done with that."  I am in the throws of banging my head against the Social Security-to-Medicare interface.  This chore has long since supplanted the "thrill of victory" I experienced when my name change was ordered by the court.  I am feeling an touch of the "agony of defeat" about it right now.  I know I will get this thing done, eventually but the beauracrats have drained all the joy out of it.

Heed your SO.  She has expressed the reality of each person's responsibility for themselves.  You are a road warrior and you should know that you need to keep in your lane and run at your pace to get to your destination, safely.

Stevi

[Laurie]

   How soon the head forgets things when it is in a different frame of mind.
  Thank you everyone for your responses. @Jayne01 for reminding me that I did not appear to be very "meh" when I related some of the early document changes like my drivers licence and social security administration. ( Laurie has received both her SSA and Medicare Cards now ). She was right about that and I even did  "squeeee" with the driver's licence change. ,  I wasn't too excited when I opened the court envelop and saw my name change already completed. instead  I remember a feeling of shock and dread.  I thought I still had time to back out and that rug was snatched from beneath my feet. So I will stand corrected about those early changes with that one exception.
  Faith and Michelle and several others have pointed out that she is responsible for her own choices in picking me to be in a relationship with. We are all responsible for our choices and happiness. Omg, that sounds so right and true, but when I look back on the wreckage I've left behind, in my wake over the years, it is hard to believe. I know me. I know what I have done. I have to take at least some responsibility for that wreckage. And I fear seeing those same things happening again to someone else I love. I doubt I could survive it again.

Thank you all for your thoughts. They are always welcome because that is how we help each other weather our personal storms.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Jayne01]

Laurie, you need a big (((((HUG))))). Any "wreckage" you may have left in your wake in years gone by, may or may not be partly due to your doing. I did not know the old you, but I do know the new you and you are a kind and caring person who would never deliberately hurt anyone. Unfortunate situations can create hurt feelings and there usually is nobody to blame for such situations. You can learn from any past mistakes you have made and not repeat them.

(((((HUG)))))
Jayne

[Jessica]

Jayne is so correct!  The road in front of you is the only one that counts.  You are not the person that you called Mean/Rotten.  I only see that smiling woman named Sweet/Lovely.  You have made changes in your life that has made you a better, happier person!  And you found a sweetheart!

Hugs and smiles, little sis 💁‍♀️

[Laurie]

Jayne is so correct!  The road in front of you is the only one that counts.  You are not the person that you called Mean/Nasty MeanRotten.  I only see that smiling woman named Sweet/Lovely.  You have made changes in your life that has made you a better, happier person!  And you found a sweetheart!

Hugs and smiles, little sis 💁‍♀️

  get it right Sis 

[Jessica]

  get it right Sis 

What....looks fine to me!  ^^^^^^

[LizK]

That's it @Laurie... I have had enough of this scurrilous behaviour...someone grab her other arm...right off you go to the naughty girls corner for name calling. I don't want to hear any arguments. It doesn't matter that you were calling yourself names you know that its not allowed.

Now you can just stay there until you apologise to yourself and make yourself feel better...

[JudiBlueEyes]

   How soon the head forgets things when it is in a different frame of mind...

  ...We are all responsible for our choices and happiness. Omg, that sounds so right and true, but when I look back on the wreckage I've left behind, in my wake over the years, it is hard to believe. I know me. I know what I have done. I have to take at least some responsibility for that wreckage. And I fear seeing those same things happening again to someone else I love. I doubt I could survive it again.

Thank you all for your thoughts. They are always welcome because that is how we help each other weather our personal storms.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Laurie, I've been following your posts for some time and I must say in regard to wreckage and such that it seems to me that might have been someone else you're confusing yourself with.  While you have had your fair share of ups and downs (don't we all?), Laurie is one of the most caring and empathic people I've come across.  Your words of wisdom and support when others have been out of sorts have been nothing short of inspiring.  While you and I are in a similar age bracket, many of the younger members here could do no better than to have you as their "Auntie Laurie" to assist them when seas get rough.  Yes, we are here to help each other and you have done more than your share.  <<hugs>>
Judi

[Laurie]

   Thank you again @Jayne01 @Jessica @ElizabethK and @JudiBlueEyes I appreciate all the comments of support and even the rough handling from Liz. Sorry if my message is a bit mumbled it is difficult to be heard when facing a corner. And Judi you are not the only one to point out that I have helped others and that I am not who I was, but it is hard to believe those things when your head is full of bad memories and fears of those reoccurring again. Those are the ghosts I fight. They may be insubstantial but they are there. Ironically it is just the fact that I have fallen in love with Michelle and she with me that has triggered this battle within myself.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Laurie]

 On a different note....

                    BEWARE! No One is Safe !