Hi folks,
For anyone who gives a damn. I'm sorry. Sorry that you do care and sorry for being meanrotten. Caring about me is likely to just get you hurt. I have already managed to hurt two people that I care about. One of them twice and I fear pretty hard. I am sorry about it but not ready to be "in a better place" because of that I'll honor their wishes and so it continues. I'm not safe for your emotional health to be around. Push it and you'll probably be hurt. Yes, that is a warning.
I have been trying to keep an extremely low profile here. I read a few threads. I try not to post. A few times I gave in to respond to something I thought I had to. There have been a few post most here have not seen and will not. They were not my best work. You don't need to see them. Those that saw them didn't need to see then either. In short for several weeks I have not been in a good place. I hate the holiday season. I get moody, hateful and angry. I earn my nickname of MeanRotten. I have done this for many many years. I can ruin the holidays for anyone. For me there is no holiday cheer. Only sadness, sullenness and anger. Knowing I am being a jackass and ruining the holidays does nothing except make myself angrier at myself and I take it out upon those I care for.
For several years, I spent christmas with my daughter's family which did help somewhat. But this will be the second year that I will not be with them. I haven't even seen my grandchildren for a year and a half. I miss her and them. This adds to my bad mood.
If all this is not enough crap we have these political times that I am very emotionally vested in. I am thoroughly angry and hateful towards our government. I am hateful with certain religious groups. I am hateful of those that threaten our very existence. I hate that hateful religious fanatics have infiltrated my government and are forwarding their agenda to eliminate us. I am even hateful at my antidepressant because it limits my angry and hate yet I fear where I would be without it.
I feel I am being consumed with anger and hate. I do not like how I feel. I don't like my thoughts. I don't like how I treat others. And I don't like what I wish I could do to those I hate. I hate how I treat those who care about me. I'm sorry. There is a light in my darkness though. I don't like myself for being the way I am but I don't hate myself. I have not yet gotten to a point where I want to wander off into the woods with my shotgun like I did last year at this time. Besides it's winter and ugly, wet, and cold in the woods. Haha. I guess that's a good thing sometimes I'm not so sure.
Not even Michelle has been spared. I have hurt her feelings and made her cry with my words. I never wanted to do so but I did. We are okay if think but I cannot take back those words and telling her I was sorry felt so inadequate. It didn't do a lot of good for me either. I have to be on guard now when we talk. I have to watch my words lest I hurt her again.
Well, that's where my head is at. That is what is going on. Yes, I am isolating from almost everyone and I think that is best for them. To care about me and get close to me, is to be hurt. At them moment I'm at a high point, relatively okay. Will I be tomorrow or even in an hour I don't know. Probably not because I want to explode. Rant, rave and rail at those that upset me. I want to unleash my hatred on churches and religion and the people in them. And I want to just wander off and hide from the world. Away from everyone. I want to be alone, invisible, gone. For now I'm okay.
No hugs to give,
Laurie
