A strange and oddly frightening dream

[Kendra]

Woke up crying this morning... a dream seemed so real and I woke up very upset.  Took a few moments to calm down and realize it was just a dream, a very unexpected one.

In the dream I was my recent self but had reverted back to male appearance (I am MtF).  The only difference was wearing male clothing and trying to act casual about it.  I walked into a crowded place feeling extremely self-conscious like I didn't belong there, or anywhere.  If anyone happened to be looking in my direction I could feel them staring at me.  And then I spotted some friends and almost froze.  I walked away and hoped they didn't notice I was there.  I started wondering who else noticed, and then I woke up.

I know this sounds almost humorous - how can a simple switch in clothing qualify as a nightmare.  But it was more than that - I vaguely remember trying to change how I walked into the building, wondering if my voice would sound right, pretend I was being natural.  I woke up completely freaked out and don't understand what triggered this.  I had GCS less than 3 weeks ago and feel incredibly positive about that along with other changes.  Basically this was a nightmare about not being full-time... certainly not something I expected to dream about. 

I hoped to to be naturally female in my dreams.  Not a nightmare about being unnaturally male. 

[Faith]

I'm no dream interpreter. It just sounds to me that your subconscious is all worked up at not being able to pass as male. I don't see the problem

I did read that there could be side effects of GCS including depression even though it was planned and necessary and .. you know, all that stuff.

Your brain is mourning it's missing bits

[Gertrude]

Sometimes I have the opposite dream. I'm the authentic me and I am afraid I'll be found out. I'm usually with extended family and no one seems to notice but me or my wife.


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[Kendra]

I don't remember thinking about anything under my clothing - was purely a bad dream about the way I presented myself in public, being so self-conscious in a mode I was in the majority of my life. 

[Janes Groove]

Being male was a big part of our life and an integral part of our past.   The conscious waking mind may want to forget it, but the subconscious mind will always go back.  We can't escape our past. We can't control our subconscious mind.

I have lots of dreams where I am male again, but on closer examination they are all different now.  I also have lots of dreams where I am living as my transgender self. 

Nightmares are sometimes our best dreams because they point to areas of our life we need to contemplate on a little more. 

The key word I got from your dream exposition was pretend.  Maybe the dream is reassuring you you don't have to pretend anything anymore. You can just be yourself. 

[Lady Lisandra]

We sometimes dream about past traumatic experiences like childhood fears, bad relationships... I often dream I'm back with my previous partner, she treates me badly and I just want to go away and wonder where my current partner is. Those are horrible dreams, but they help me remember.

The good thing is, those dreams are usually about PAST experiences, so maybe in your head trying to present as a male is already a past experience and you don't expect it to happen again.

[Dena]

The mind wanders a lot when you sleep and sometimes dreams aren't related to anything in your day to day life. In the past I had dreams after surgery where the original equipment was in place and I was having an erection. In hindsight it was a dream where I was sexually excited and my clitoris was responding. My brain identified the swelling as an erection and the closest thing it had to draw on was previous wet dreams. Yes, I woke up with vivid memories of the dream and first thing I did was check my body out however fortunately, everything was as it should be.

These dreams will get fewer as time goes on and your brain adjusts to your new body. In my case, the first year or two I had most of these dreams and now I only get one every once in a great while.

[Sephirah]

Just to offer a different take on it. It may not be related to transition at all.

The subconscious uses imagery to portray emotion. And the stronger your association with something, the stronger that emotion can be. It's like the mind's way of pushing your buttons and getting you to think about stuff, even though you may not immediately know what it is you're supposed to be thinking about.

In this case the dream could be about feeling out of place with something in general. Not transition related. Some other part of your life. The change in clothing could simply mean that in some part of your life you feel like you have to be someone you aren't. Or feel like you have to put on a front for something, or someone. Even though it's not who you are. And since it's something you have a strong association with, that was the imagery your mind decided to use, to illicit an emotional response. Maybe as a warning signal that it's maybe not a good idea for you to be someone other than yourself. And part of you knows it.

*big hug* Nightmares aren't nice, whatever they consist of. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[Kendra]

Thank you for all the thoughts.  I doubt this will be a recurring thing, probably just a residual emotion from decades of not being comfortable in my own skin.  Pretending to be sociable when I didn't like myself.  I can't imagine any reason to revert now but the nightmare really freaked me out - I woke up thinking I had.