How do you see your pre-transition self?

[CallMeKatie]

What a great question

As I've only experienced dysphoria for around six years with a huge bump in the last two, I can only base on that.

Now I can be myself without all the BS of "being a man" I find myself much more able to cry,  less obsessive about friends/partners being "always there". I am much more silly. I am much more happy with who I am. I cry a lot more, I no longer judge people because they enjoy something I do not. I take care of my skin better,  I cry a lot more.

[Lady Sarah]

I don't dwell on it and I don't get depressed over it. I just sort of look back and say "all of that stuff you did would have been a lot easier if your weren't so stinking stubborn"

Sounds like me. If I hadn't have been so stubborn, I'd likely have started transition as soon as I turned 18. I was so adapted to telling myself to shut out my own feelings, that I had gotten peeved at others telling me I was too feminine (in looks and mannerisms) to be a guy. I actually had to hit rock bottom before I let myself know it was OK.

[Faith]

Other than the depression, I have no regrets for my past self. I would not have wanted to miss my wife and family in my life at all. Early awareness and transition and I would not have had it.

No regrets, the future is mine.

[Laurel D]

I was awkward, tried to hard, weird, fake male

I felt very similar to the way you felt.  I felt fake and weird. In the end I just retreated into a hole, and stopped talking to almost everyone.

Sent from my LG-TP450 using Tapatalk

[RoryL]

Great question!

I just reached my 6 month mark with HRT today (yay!) and generally am still presenting as a more androgynous version of my boy-mode. Full time is coming soon, though.

At this point, I think of my pre-transition self as an obscured, confused, and traumatized version of myself. Someone who did the best they could with what they were able to consciously acknowledge. Choosing to repress my gender at the age of 11 in order to mitigate the bullies' attacks definitely took its toll, especially since I became such a pro at rationalizing away all indications that I could be trans. I got so good at pretending to be a gay man that I essentially forgot I was anything other than that.

Since my transition has started on the later side (54 years old) I'm still coming to grips with how to relate to my pre-transition history. Transition is a journey that I'm certainly happy to be on - I hate to think about what my future life would have looked like if I hadn't awakened to my real gender.

[Lady Lisandra]

I feel as if my true self had hidden away in a deep, dark hole in my mind and built a substitute personality around based on what was expected of me. Parents wanted me to study, so I studied what they wanted me to study. As a male I was supposed to have at least one partner, so I found one and continued to build my second personality around what she wanted in a boyfriend. All this while pushing away the things I really liked because I was not supposed to like them.

Transition was like breaking that shell and having to rediscover what I really wanted. I still like shirts, vests and swords, but now I can let myself like heels, glitter and feathers also. And there's nothing wrong with it.

[Adam.D]

I'm only two weeks into my transition, but the level of confidence that I have has increased by a heck of a lot. The old me wouldn't have been able to walk into a room and talk to a stranger because they would have hated their voice or they would have felt like a fake version of a person.

I look back at that person with love, but they make me cringe a lot.

[AnnMarie2017]

My eyes are open.

This is me. I was asleep, and a very, very sad person. I wanted to post a picture of Sleeping Beauty, but thought it might violate the rules.

Realizing I was transgender was like someone flipped a switch and turned on a light that I never knew was there. I'm finally me.

[widdershins]

I'm still the same person. I just stopped wearing a mask when I go out in public.

[Jennifer.Diamonds]

I feel like I'm still me, really. I still tattoo, work on cars, play guitar and collect firearms.. But now there are some things I can add to the list that used to be forbidden territory.. Like makeup, nails, sewing and hitting on men. lol

[FinallyMichelle]

I can't think of it as a mask or skin. It was what I had, I didn't know what could be so I lived without hope, lost and slowly losing my mind. I've always felt this way, I just didn't know what it was or that I could do something about it. Now, I can't find a reference to that person, inside the life that I lived is gone. I have done some pretty cool stuff too, it just doesn't feel real anymore.

How can I associate with who I was, a sad creature locked inside a tragic nightmare, marking time until death released it. I don't want to hold onto that, I lived it and maybe learned a few things, that's enough for me. I can let it go now.

[pamelatransuk]

Finally Michelle

You describe your pre-transition self in a very lamentable light - without hope, lost and slowly losing your mind and your description is worse than mine above on 13Feb.

However I am happy to note your next point that now you can't find a reference to that person as the person is gone.

Wonderful both to see the person is gone such that you can be your true self.

You will also inspire many of us others just starting out on the HRT and transition route. Thank you

Pamela

[Charlie Nicki]

I feel like I'm still me, really. I still tattoo, work on cars, play guitar and collect firearms.. But now there are some things I can add to the list that used to be forbidden territory.. Like makeup, nails, sewing and hitting on men. lol

You are gorgeous!

[Jennifer.Diamonds]

You are gorgeous!

Thank you doll! Idk what a faceapp is, But your photo is stunning! Love that makeup xD

[BrianaJ]

This is an interesting question and I'm sure many of us have thought about it.  Many have probably had some version of this discussion with their gender therapist/therapist.  I thing our age and where we are at in life can have a big influance in our responses. 

I didn't hate the male me.  I also didn't always love the male me.  I had a lot of fun and for the most part I enjoyed and cherished my life with my wife and family.  There were times of sadness and confusion but always the realization to be glad for all that I had. 

I know I wouldn't have experienced and enjoyed what I did.  I also know there's another side of life I didn't get to experience or have.  For me, I went down the path I chose and I'm not going to regret or lament it.  I'm going to continue going forward with a look-back to make sure I don't repeat mistakes and "dumb things".   

[Charlie Nicki]

Thank you doll! Idk what a faceapp is, But your photo is stunning! Love that makeup xD

Thanks! It's an app that automatically modifies your picture to the other gender

[I Am Jess]

My pre-transition self was a mostly unhappy version of my current self.  I did a lot of things to survive that played hell on my mental health.  The problem was I didn't understand that my true self was trying to break free and when that happened I had to suppress the thoughts and feelings and man up and be the person who I thought I was.  Most of the things I did to distract myself from these thoughts I still enjoy doing but I can now do them as me and not as him.  My pre-transion self was a good, kind, loving and protective individual who did what was needed to survive.  I'm still like that but now I'm living and not just surviving.  The removal of the guilt and shame of having the feelings of being female has freed me to be actually be female.  I don't ever want to "remove" the past of who I was because it is still a part of who I am.  We are the same person just living life in vastly different ways.