Well for starters My names Paloma so to any potential readers Hello
I want to introduce myself first by saying that I'm 29 years old and won't turn 30 until September, woo Virgos!.
I have had this fear that because my transition isn't where I expected it to be nor my life for that matter. I feel like I've let myself down. I left a toxic, abusive home and family and found a new one that has loved and accepted me for the past 9 years of my life. Recently, last October I decided I wasn't going to make excuses anymore. Like many people I turned to food to comfort myself at an early age and I used fat as a shield. I kept the weight on because I was soft and feminine and it comforted me to have that feeling not knowing exactly what that feeling was. It wasn't until I had a complete mental melt down. All the hurt, suppression, and fear that had kept me from living my life happily, just came pouring out. I'm not what people want me to be nor am I what others perceive me in this shell to be.
I didn't want to disappoint anyone let alone the people who I loved even though the love wasn't really returned in the way I needed at the time. I'm not going to bash them for not being understanding and fearing the unknown, but it has left a huge scar inside me that I don't think I'll ever recover from. I regress, I don't want to sound like I'm here for sympathy and also its a long story but I'm here to talk about life in the now. Does anyone else just go on a tangent and forget completely what they're talking about just because they feel like they want to share everything?
SO, I've changed my lifestyle to help with the weight. Its scary because I know if surgery is a goal I have in mind they will not operate on anyone my size. I got over the hurdle of not caring what my body will look like without the extra fat. I maybe used that as an excuse as to why I didn't want to lose weight. The "what if the body under this shield is going to turn on me and feed my dysphoria even more" was constantly on my mind when the idea of losing weight would start back up. So having this internal debate for years,
I OFFICIALLY decided enough is enough. Stop making excuses and take the step. As I got older I realized my fears of being outed or being "clocked" was just an insecurity I created because I'm so critical on myself and not a fear. I've never taken crap from anyone in my life why would I start now. Being a woman is more of who u are and how u carry yourself than it has to do with the physical. I've never had issues with being asked if I'm male or female. It was more of the "excuse me ma'am" before transition that made things awkward and was the running joke between my friends and family. So I know it's mostly me being hard on myself because my physical being doesn't match my inner person.....YET!
So, lately I've been feeling like I haven't accomplished much and that I'm almost 30 and I don't have anything to show for it. Other than I've kept a human being alive for the past 8 years. Oh I'm a caregiver for my best friends dad. I keep thinking its like you should know this information already, sorry I'm all over the place.
I'm feeling like I'm running out of time and my transition has been stagnate for too long. I don't have anything saved up financially and It pains me to know that I was so smart and I wasn't allowed to dream and have desires for myself. Like that was taken from me because of my situation and not wanting to continue with living. I know we're not supposed to have regrets in life but not having something stable to help financially backed with a college education really sucks. I feel like I let myself down big time. All these wants and needs I have, I now have to face the music that I might actually need to ask for help when I have never taken anything from anyone. That really tears at my pride. But the reality is, Its hard to get a job especially when your legal name doesn't match your I.D. picture and they just politely turn u away.
I had never faced any trans-phobia until my last job, which if asked I'll speak about but lets keep this on track. I'm lucky that I have finally gotten medical aid and will soon get to finally change my name legally and get an update with my endocrinologist and get me on the right track. Does anyone else struggle with asking for help. Of course I'm not wanting for things to be handed to me. It would just make things easier If I didn't have to worry about how will i get everything done, If I can't seem to get my life in order. I'm used to being organized and having things fall in line and on time. Transitioning is the one thing I haven't been able to actually take the reins and control fully. That really scares me. I know everyone is different but this is not what I saw for myself.
BUT, I have a plan. First get the body in order. Second get the name change and the proper dose (I've been on a certain dose that needs to be corrected, due to insurance reasons and living in a small town it was hard but finally help has arrived) Third try my best to save, work my ass off, and suck up my pride and fund raise. sounds good right? no?
My mindset is slowly switching and I'm starting to believe WHEN it happens not IF. That is a huge deal for me. That being said, I'm very yin and yang. I can be super confident and nothing can stop me then something will trigger me and I'll be super critical on myself and put myself down. I feel terrible that I'm like this. I've heard it all my life, why am I now doing it to myself? It makes no sense to me. I'm alive, I'm finally happy and the life I want to have is completely obtainable. The forever melancholy part of my personality just creeps in and the bitch seems to have it out for me.
I hope I can get some advice and just overall honest thoughts. I want to thank you for reading this and letting me share a part of myself.
`Paloma
