Chelsea's Transition Adventure

[JudiBlueEyes]

Great news Chelsea.  Paying yourself ahead has come to good for you. 

I used to get down about seeing nice looking women but no more.  I feel good about myself now.  I think you'll get past this too.  I'm glad to hear you went out with Alivia and took a walk.  Good for the soul!  Also a good time to practice movements as women tend to get in and out of the car different than men, a little slower and gentler.  Watch the legs.  I tend to sit and swing both legs in, doing the opposite to get out. 

This post was not a mess, just a diary post that only your "close" friends can see.  Thanks for sharing.
Judi

[Chelsea]

Great news Chelsea.  Paying yourself ahead has come to good for you. 

I used to get down about seeing nice looking women but no more.  I feel good about myself now.  I think you'll get past this too.  I'm glad to hear you went out with Alivia and took a walk.  Good for the soul!  Also a good time to practice movements as women tend to get in and out of the car different than men, a little slower and gentler.  Watch the legs.  I tend to sit and swing both legs in, doing the opposite to get out. 

This post was not a mess, just a diary post that only your "close" friends can see.  Thanks for sharing.
Judi

I hope I get over it but it seems to be getting worse not better. It was worse as Chelsea. When I'm my old self its still there but not bad enough to bring tears. Think I'm just all mess up.

[islandgirl]

Good news today! Your comparison thoughts, etc. are pretty common, if not normal. Your journey will have both ups and downs. The key is to look at the long haul. Each of those lows will pass and will be replaced by good experiences and a better self image. I really believe that you can do it because you have overcome so much and have shown so much strength.

So good to see you get out with your friend. As suggested, this is a great time to practice! Not just feminine behaviours but your voice. Where better to do so! You are with your friend who is supportive of you. Keep walking along your path!

Hugs,
Kelly

[Northern Star Girl]

I hope I get over it but it seems to be getting worse not better. It was worse as Chelsea. When I'm my old self its still there but not bad enough to bring tears. Think I'm just all mess up.

@Chelsea
Dear Chelsea  I have carefully read all of your recent update posts and also the replies from your readers and followers.... and I can not see why you think that things are getting worse and not better.  Bear in mind that being Chelsea is a brand new experience for you... as your old-self you knew yourself well and your old-self knew how to deal with your feelings.... so you need to give it some time so Chelsea will get to know herself.  The feelings that you have described are normal, or at least they were normal for me early in my transition.  Trust me, in a few months, maybe a year or so, and certainly when you go full time you will feel very comfortable being Chelsea around pretty women, hot men, and anyone else.
 
Don't think for a minute that I wasn't nervous as I described in my "Hunted Prey" thread when I went on my dates with my suitors....  cis-men and cis-women...   at one point in those dates I almost wet myself I was so nervous especially when hand holding, hugging and  kissing were involved, but I am finally beyond that now, so rest assured, your feelings that you described are indeed normal and will pass with practice, more HRT, and more time and more experience being Chelsea.

Oh, and to change the subject...  that was sure great news about the money regarding your HAAS machine payment.... it was a wonderful and unexpected blessing for you. 

All in all, I am seeing your recent postings as good news... perhaps with some growing pains, but certainly good news.

Thank you for keeping us all up to date, I always look forward to checking your thread whenever I log into Susan's.
Many HUGS,
Danielle

[Jayne01]

I hope I get over it but it seems to be getting worse not better. It was worse as Chelsea. When I'm my old self its still there but not bad enough to bring tears. Think I'm just all mess up.

You're not messed up. This is a normal reaction. As Danielle said in her reply, being Chelsea is a brand new experience for you. The old you had many years to grow up and find a way to integrate into the world. In comparison, Chelsea has had mere seconds. Give yourself some time. This in between stage, spending some time as Chelsea and some time as your old self, is a rough part of the journey. I am only a little ahead of you with being Jayne out in public and I experience similar feelings to you. It gets easier, much easier. Each time you are out as Chelsea, you will achieve another small milestone and you become more and more confident and less bothered by how other people look.

You are doing great!

Hugs,
Jayne

[JudiBlueEyes]

Danielle is correct.  This phase will pass and at some point it will all be OK.  You'll look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.  It's time for this butterfly to slowly break free of her cocoon.

Judi

[Roll]

Trust me, you're not alone Chelsea. It gets harder being in between, but I think it will be temporary for both of us. I'm doing my best to look forward to the future, but it gets rough. I have faith in you, you're beautiful and sweet, and I think that in the end we will both find the peace and happiness we are looking for.

[Chelsea]

Everyone has said post good or bad so here goes. I think my thread is becoming more bad than good. I got up today in a great mood. The tax guy called me and said my papers are ready to mail. I really needed to get these in the mail so I had to go pay the guy. When I get there my bank card would not work so, I had to leave while he waited and go to the bank to get cash. When I get to the bank It was closed because they was repainting the outside of the building. I went to the Wiegle's across the street to get cash from a atm. There are two atm's and people on both. I waited in line and they both finish about the same time. When I get to the atm little miss perfect body just so happens to walk up on the one next to me and this happened. I immediately started feeling like a piece of trash on the street. I didn't even get my money from the machine and just left. I didn't make it to the car before tears were running down my face. I know these feelings are not normal. Not to the degree I have. So I'm sitting here telling all of you and don't even know why. I cant work feeling this depressed. I told Alivia that she might need to do the errands in the car for a while because I really can't take much more suffering over something so stupid. I would rather sit here for a year than to feel these feelings I'm having right now. I still believe that I'm all messed up in the head.

[Northern Star Girl]

Everyone has said post good or bad so here goes. I think my thread is becoming more bad than good. I got up today in a great mood. The tax guy called me and said my papers are ready to mail. I really needed to get these in the mail so I had to go pay the guy. When I get there my bank card would not work so, I had to leave while he waited and go to the bank to get cash. When I get to the bank It was closed because they was repainting the outside of the building. I went to the Wiegle's across the street to get cash from a atm. There are two atm's and people on both. I waited in line and they both finish about the same time. When I get to the atm little miss perfect body just so happens to walk up on the one next to me and this happened. I immediately started feeling like a piece of trash on the street. I didn't even get my money from the machine and just left. I didn't make it to the car before tears were running down my face. I know these feelings are not normal. Not to the degree I have. So I'm sitting here telling all of you and don't even know why. I cant work feeling this depressed. I told Alivia that she might need to do the errands in the car for a while because I really can't take much more suffering over something so stupid. I would rather sit here for a year than to feel these feelings I'm having right now. I still believe that I'm all messed up in the head.

Well... Chelsea...  everything you said is very normal when you are beginning HRT and just starting to venture out as Chelsea. 
I did not read where you said that she clocked you or that she made some disparaging comment to you when she saw you....   so I am assuming that those things did not happen.
   
Basically, you have suck it up so you have more self-assurance and confidence when venturing out and be prepared for comments and stares ... and then IGNORE THEM and go on with your business, or just smile and hold your head high and walk proudly away.   

Every where you go, even later on when you start passing the majority of the time, you will find lots of "little miss perfect bodies" and "big masculine good looking hunks". ....   and depending on how you dress and how you move and  how the HRT is helping you, you may be looked at as miss perfect body by those that are experiencing what you are now.

Hopefully you finally got the money and credit card issues taken care of and your tax stuff is in the mail... that is a big relief I am sure....

So anyway Chelsea, you have lots to be thankful for.... 
Thank you for your update.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

[Chelsea]

Well... Chelsea
   
Basically, you have suck it up so you have more self-assurance and confidence when venturing out and be prepared for comments and stares

This will never work.  Suck it up? These are real feelings and I cant have any self assurance when I look like I do. I still present male you know and even as Chelsea I will never look like that.  If you seen me in person you would know.

[Mikaela]

Ah, the comparison game. You're not alone. Even "miss perfect body" (MPB) is looking at other women and wishing she had x. Two Miss Perfect Bodies will look at each other with envy. It is human nature to crave what you don't have. There are people here on this site no doubt looking at your picture and saying wistfully "if only...sigh...".

We all deal with this, and women most of all because of all the unrealistic and contradictory beauty standards in the media.

It's in the mindset where peace and satisfaction are found. If we start by focusing on our strengths, enjoying them, and looking for evidence that supports this (rather than evidence of our inadequacy), we will slowly build a self-confidence that lasts.

Happiness comes from within, whether or not you are in the MPB club or not. If you asked them, you'd find much the same issues with them as well.

I'm sorry your day was so overwhelming. That happens sometimes. Regroup, ground, and begin again, no judgements, no guilt, no shame. It's all good, and you've got this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Northern Star Girl]

This will never work.  Suck it up? These are real feelings and I cant have any self assurance when I look like I do. I still present male you know and even as Chelsea I will never look like that.  If you seen me in person you would know.

Chelsea, Of COURSE your feelings are real.... I never doubted that for a minute.     All of us have feelings that can be very difficult to overcome and to deal with and having unwanted bad feelings about our failure may keep us from going forward with our transition plans and other life plans... and those plans are something that needs to be successfully done once we are serious about our decision.

I have feelings all the time about things going on in my life and about possible failure... we all have them....

>>early on before I went full time when I stepped out as Danielle I was clocked numerous times and endured comments stares and nasty looks.....     months ago just beginning to date, if I didn't overcome the bad feelings about failure that I had about it I would have never experienced the joy of being accepted as a woman that someone would want to date.... 

>>and remember what happened with my suitor #1 and the bad negative reaction I got from his woman friend while in the coffee shop.... even though before that happened I had lived in this town for over a year and a had successfully as a woman... and had just came out ... it was a shock to the townspeople and I only had a few negative reactions.... what did I do?  I ignored it the best that I could and went on with my life as Danielle. In that distasteful event I pleasantly experienced overwhelming support and acceptance for just about everyone else.   

>>Also months ago my first venture into the women's gym locker room was very frightening and upsetting but I grit my teeth and did it anyway being prepared as much as I could possibly be for the worst to happen.... and fortunately nothing bad happened, but if it did, I would continue on and try it again learning some lessons in that possible failure.

So, my dear Chelsea, I obviously am rooting for you and I am one of many of your faithful fans...
... please keep keeping on.
Love ya girl,
HUGS...
Danielle

[Jayne01]

This will never work.  Suck it up? These are real feelings and I cant have any self assurance when I look like I do. I still present male you know and even as Chelsea I will never look like that.  If you seen me in person you would know.

Chelsea, I am sorry that "miss perfect body" triggered your dysphoria so badly. The feelings you are having are very normal, not only for trans women but for cis women as well. If you go out to a crowded public place and just sit down and "people watch" for a while, you will see that there are actually not that many women that fit into the perfect body stereotype. Women come in all shapes and sizes and although you are not seeing it, you are very beautiful. There would be many cis and trans women who would love to look even half as good as you do.

If it makes you feel better, what you are feeling is typically very female. Women since the beginning of time have had body image issues, wanting to look like the "perfect body girl" down the street. Welcome to the club. [emoji4]

Your feelings are very real and I will respect them. The goal here is to find enough self assurance to look beyond your flaws. We all have flaws and these flaws are magnified through our own eyes. Every single one of us is our own worst critic. I think what Danielle is trying to say by telling you to "suck it up" is that you need to get to a place where you don't look so closely at each and every imperfection, instead, take a step back and look at yourself as a whole package. Find what you do like about yourself. You really do look beautiful and I am not just saying that to make you feel better.

You will get through this.

(((((Hug)))))

Jayne

[Northern Star Girl]

Dear Chelsea, please check out this thread titled "Indecisiveness" 

--->      https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,184360.0.html

Go back to the very first posting and read what the OP had to say and then look at the susequent comments by other members...  I think that it could be a big help to you right now.
It is not a long thread, just 18 posts so you can read the entire thing fairly quickly.
I do hope that you soon get to a happy place with your transition progress.  You deserve that for sure.

HUGS and well wishes as always,
Danielle

[Chelsea]

Happiness comes from within, whether or not you are in the MPB club or not.

This is the part I'm trying really hard to find. Surly I will find my place in all this soon I hope. Thank you for replying to my thread.
 
Hugs,
      Chelsea

[Laurie]

This will never work.  Suck it up? These are real feelings and I cant have any self assurance when I look like I do. I still present male you know and even as Chelsea I will never look like that.  If you seen me in person you would know.

  Alright Chelsea,

  Enough of that nonsense. You stop it right now. Do you hear me? I said stop it! You are acting just like the young teenage girl you are now that those hormones are working. "I am sooo ugly" "I will never be a pretty girl" "that girl is soo pretty" "I will never be like her" " No one will ever love me" "I look horrible".  Sound familiar?
  I have heard it all before. I had 5 sisters and a daughter, remember? I've lived through this scenario many times. It is what sells ALL THOSE beauty products. Products that promise to make you that "Miss Perfect" body or appearance. Billions are spent by us women every year in that elusive quest to be "her". Almost all of us will never be that beauty. Not now and not ever. We have to make the best of what we are given and girl you have more of it than a whole lot of women trans or cis. Where you fail, Hun, is in realizing this and accepting the gifts you do have. We make do with what we have. That Hun is just the facts of life for all of us. We can crawl back into our closets or we can learn to be who we are and join all the other women out there that are not perfect. You are young. You are pretty. And you are a woman. You are who you are and you can learn to live as Chelsea or you can torment yourself and never be who you are meant to be ... Chelsea!  Other women will be prettier, and others will not, but none of them will be Chelsea. Be proud of that, be proud of who you are. Be Chelsea.

Hugs for you girl,
  Laurie

[Chelsea]

Chelsea, I am sorry that "miss perfect body" triggered your dysphoria so badly.

I have always had these feelings sense puberty but they never was that bad. I would just shrug it off and tell myself everything would be ok and usually I was fine. Its a lot more intense sense starting hrt. I'm just half way through the 3rd month so hopefully these crazy emotions I'm having will chill out soon. Really the dysphoria is all that bugs me sometimes. I need one of those things they put on horses to keep them from looking around. lol

Hugs,
       Chelsea

[Chelsea]

  Alright Chelsea,

  Enough of that nonsense. You stop it right now. Do you hear me? I said stop it! You are acting just like the young teenage girl you are now that those hormones are working. "I am sooo ugly" "I will never be a pretty girl" "that girl is soo pretty" "I will never be like her" " No one will ever love me" "I look horrible".  Sound familiar?
  I have heard it all before. I had 5 sisters and a daughter, remember? I've lived through this scenario many times. It is what sells ALL THOSE beauty products. Products that promise to make you that "Miss Perfect" body or appearance. Billions are spent by us women every year in that elusive quest to be "her". Almost all of us will never be that beauty. Not now and not ever. We have to make the best of what we are given and girl you have more of it than a whole lot of women trans or cis. Where you fail, Hun, is in realizing this and accepting the gifts you do have. We make do with what we have. That Hun is just the facts of life for all of us. We can crawl back into our closets or we can learn to be who we are and join all the other women out there that are not perfect. You are young. You are pretty. And you are a woman. You are who you are and you can learn to live as Chelsea or you can torment yourself and never be who you are meant to be ... Chelsea!  Other women will be prettier, and others will not, but none of them will be Chelsea. Be proud of that, be proud of who you are. Be Chelsea.

Hugs for you girl,
  Laurie

Easy Laurie. Don't come down here to give be a butt kicking when you and many others told me to post what I was feeling good or bad. I can't help the feelings I get from seeing other girls mixed with the "why didn't do this years ago" feelings is rough. I will find my happy place in this, it just not going to be today. Next time I won't post about it.

Hugs,
      Chelsea

[Jayne01]

I have always had these feelings sense puberty but they never was that bad. I would just shrug it off and tell myself everything would be ok and usually I was fine. Its a lot more intense sense starting hrt. I'm just half way through the 3rd month so hopefully these crazy emotions I'm having will chill out soon. Really the dysphoria is all that bugs me sometimes. I need one of those things they put on horses to keep them from looking around. lol

Hugs,
       Chelsea

Chelsea, you don't need horse blinders. You can, and should, look around to enjoy this beautiful world. As Laurie said (oh dear! I am about to agree with that woman again [emoji23] ), the HRT is turning you into a teenager again. The joys of going through a second puberty while we realign the hormones in our bodies. The advantage you have over an actual teenager is that to now have age maturity. Use some of that maturity and knowledge to remind yourself of what is happening to your body with the hormones. If you had a 15 year old sister now who you could see as being very pretty, but she kept looking at other girls convincing herself that she will never look pretty enough, what advice would you give her? Give that same advice to yourself. You currently have a 15 year old Chelsea (due to the hormones) inside of you that could use some guidance. You are also an older much more mature Chelsea that can provide that guidance to yourself.

Hang in there, this is a temporary phase.
Hugs,
Jayne

[Jayne01]

Easy Laurie. Don't come down here to give be a butt kicking when you and many others told me to post what I was feeling good or bad. I can't help the feelings I get from seeing other girls mixed with the "why didn't do this years ago" feelings is rough. I will find my happy place in this, it just not going to be today. Next time I won't post about it.

Hugs,
      Chelsea

Keep posting everything Chelsea. Your feelings are very normal. I am also going through a "why didn't I do his years ago" phase. It will pass and you will find a way to not worry about what could have been and focus on what is and what can be in the future.

You can't help the feeling you have from entering your mind, what you can do is is learn to control how these feeling affect your mood. We will help you through this, so please don't stop posting the good and the bad.

Hugs,
Jayne