Chelsea's Transition Adventure

[Laurie]

Easy Laurie. Don't come down here to give be a butt kicking when you and many others told me to post what I was feeling good or bad. I can't help the feelings I get from seeing other girls mixed with the "why didn't do this years ago" feelings is rough. I will find my happy place in this, it just not going to be today. Next time I won't post about it.

Hugs,
      Chelsea

  You miss my point Chelsea. It wasn't to tell you you can't have an post these feelings. No not that at all. It is to tell you that it is normal to feel this way. It is aggravated by hormones too. But we all have these kind of feelings to deal with and you can let the eat at you or you can chose to accept them as a normal part of the process and join the rest of the female gender and learn to see them as normal and move forward with your life. I and everyone else here want to help you do this. Keep posting what bothers you so we can help you through them.

Hope that clarified my post some. I was saying pull up your big girl panties and go on being Chelsea.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Northern Star Girl]

Easy Laurie. Don't come down here to give be a butt kicking when you and many others told me to post what I was feeling good or bad. I can't help the feelings I get from seeing other girls mixed with the "why didn't do this years ago" feelings is rough. I will find my happy place in this, it just not going to be today. Next time I won't post about it.

Hugs,
      Chelsea

Chelsea, Chelsea, Dear Chelsea..... 
Neither I ... @Jayne01 ... @Laurie  nor anyone else have given you a "butt kicking" ... we were trying as hard as we know how to encourage you to get on with being yourself and continue to overcome the difficulties in your transition and other life problems as you have so successfully done previously.....

... and YES dear Chelsea, please continue to post the good and the bad. 
Your caring readers want to know so we can be by your side and support you through thick and thin.  We are naturally concerned for your well being and for your success with your transition, your business, and all of your relationships, family and otherwise.  Please don't cheat us out of giving you the support that we desire to give.

Love ya girl,
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

[Chelsea]

Chelsea, Chelsea, Dear Chelsea..... 
Neither I ... @Jayne01 ... @Laurie  nor anyone else have given you a "butt kicking" ... we were trying as hard as we know how to encourage you to get on with being yourself and continue to overcome the difficulties in your transition and other life problems as you have so successfully done previously.....

... and YES dear Chelsea, please continue to post the good and the bad. 
Your caring readers want to know so we can be by your side and support you through thick and thin.  We are naturally concerned for your well being and for your success with your transition, your business, and all of your relationships, family and otherwise.  Please don't cheat us out of giving you the support that we desire to give.

Love ya girl,
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

I know Danielle and I love all of you. I guess to all of you I act like a big baby but its real and I don't like it either. It must be the medicine and I'm letting it get to me. I have been an emotional wreck this entire week.

Hugs,
       Chelsea

[Northern Star Girl]

I know Danielle and I love all of you. I guess to all of you I act like a big baby but its real and I don't like it either. It must be the medicine and I'm letting it get to me. I have been an emotional wreck this entire week.

Hugs,
       Chelsea

@Chelsea
Dear Chelsea:  Thank you for your response ....  I was a little more than worried that you were so upset that you might stop posting again.... please don't do that....  your followers would be devastated.

Oh yes, indeed the HRT hormones and the emotional trauma of your transition decision and it's affect on how you deal with others ... and how they deal with you... can be a really tough thing to get a handle on.   You are doing the best that you can and we all realize and fully understand that.
Now, if you are not working tonight, please try to relax, get a nice dinner and get your mind off of all of these problems.   The good news that you should be relishing in is that you have taken care of your taxes!!!!   One step at a time, solve one problem at a time.
We all LOVE YOU and are cheering for your success.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Northern Star Girl]

@Chelsea
Chelsea:   For you !!!
             
Hugs,
Danielle

[Chelsea]

Chelsea:   For you !!!
             
Hugs,
Danielle

Danielle you are to kind to me. Thank you hun.   

[JudiBlueEyes]

Chelsea I am sorry you have to go through this phase when emotions are like a live wire.  We've all been through it.  I remember the days I cried constantly; that this was hard, I'll never look good, I'm too tall, etc, etc.  You just have to hold on tight and ride out this raging storm within you.   It will come.  Soon your body and mind with have adjusted and all will be fine as it can be.  It's been said here and I've said it, you're beautiful and you're young.  I waited until I was 61 to break out of my shell and move forward.  You're doing it now and it's just as hard.  I know.  But we're here to support you, to applaud the good times and be a shoulder to lean on when things get tough.   

Remember you need to live your life, not some MPB.  She's living hers and she certainly has her issues to contend with.  There's been some tough love handed out here but that's because we know you are one tough chick.  Look what you've accomplished in life.  You didn't get this far because you're a quitter.  I can tell, you're intelligent and a go getter.  Don't let a little self esteem issue drag you down.  Better days are coming.

Hugs, Judi

[maybesoph]

Ok so Lauries response makes me realise never make her angry, although it looks like great advice.
Chelsea, you know I think you look amazing and I know you should be so proud of yourself for shining through adversity. Even though it looks tough now from reading so many others journeys I'm hoping it's just HRT playing games wirh you.
Stay strong and remember wine will always comes with a smile.

Sophie

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

[Chelsea]

Chelsea I am sorry you have to go through this phase when emotions are like a live wire.  We've all been through it. I remember the days I cried constantly; that this was hard, I'll never look good, I'm too tall, etc, etc.  You just have to hold on tight and ride out this raging storm within you.   It will come.  Soon your body and mind with have adjusted and all will be fine as it can be.  It's been said here and I've said it, you're beautiful and you're young.  I waited until I was 61 to break out of my shell and move forward.  You're doing it now and it's just as hard.  I know.  But we're here to support you, to applaud the good times and be a shoulder to lean on when things get tough.   

Remember you need to live your life, not some MPB.  She's living hers and she certainly has her issues to contend with.  There's been some tough love handed out here but that's because we know you are one tough chick.  Look what you've accomplished in life.  You didn't get this far because you're a quitter.  I can tell, you're intelligent and a go getter.  Don't let a little self esteem issue drag you down.  Better days are coming.

Hugs, Judi

Judi you hit the nail on the head. That sounds just like me. All these crazy thoughts on top of all the emotions making them worse and confusing. Am I too tall? maybe. Are my hands and feet a little too long? nah they are fine, or are they? Do I need FFS? maybe I don't know. Where are you gonna get the money? No idea. This is just a tiny bit of the stuff that runs through my head everyday clouding my work day. I also have the fear of not knowing what I will turn out like. The selfies I post are not the whole picture. I know all of this is normal now but wow it sucks.

As far as MPB I am going to try my very best to just look where I'm walking and focus on what I'm doing at the moment. I still think I need horse blinders. lol   Quitter?? You all know me better than that by now. I will cry and probably have a few "teenage girl" fits but I will get through this. Thank you for posting.

Hugs,
       Chelsea

[Chelsea]

Ok so Lauries response makes me realise never make her angry, although it looks like great advice.
Chelsea, you know I think you look amazing and I know you should be so proud of yourself for shining through adversity. Even though it looks tough now from reading so many others journeys I'm hoping it's just HRT playing games with you.
Stay strong and remember wine will always comes with a smile.

Sophie

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

Laurie is not angry, she is just trying to keep my butt in line. Shes like a second mom to me. lol Its just the estrogen making all these crazy emotions. You girls where not joking about hold on for the ride. No matter how tough you think you are they will get too you. Thank you Sophie for replying.

Hugs,

    Chelesa

[Jayne01]

You girls where not joking about hold on for the ride.

Nope! Wasn't a joke.... it is one hell of a ride, and sooooo worth it. [emoji16]

[christinej78]

Judi you hit the nail on the head. That sounds just like me. All these crazy thoughts on top of all the emotions making them worse and confusing. Am I too tall? maybe. Are my hands and feet a little too long? nah they are fine, or are they? Do I need FFS? maybe I don't know. Where are you gonna get the money? No idea. This is just a tiny bit of the stuff that runs through my head everyday clouding my work day. I also have the fear of not knowing what I will turn out like. The selfies I post are not the whole picture. I know all of this is normal now but wow it sucks.

As far as MPB I am going to try my very best to just look where I'm walking and focus on what I'm doing at the moment. I still think I need horse blinders. lol   Quitter?? You all know me better than that by now. I will cry and probably have a few "teenage girl" fits but I will get through this. Thank you for posting.

Hugs,
       Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,                            26 June 2018

I haven't posted on your thread for awhile; thought it a good time to reverse that.

You started  HRT 20 days before I did. I did mine w/o anti-androgens (spiro, etc.). The only thing I can tell you or anyone else is what I have experienced. My HRT started 27 March 2018; I have yet to experience a mood swing since being on HRT (tomorrow will be 3 months). There are two major differences between you and me; age and HRT. I'm 32 years older than you and most likely I am using different drugs/meds than you are.

Before I started transition, after much research, I decided I would not use anti-androgens under any circumstance, especially spiro, a potassium sparing diuretic that is being used as an anti-androgen. It's an oral medication so you have peaks and valleys in your blood levels.

Spiro is only one part of HRT so you are probably using something to provide estrogen or some form of it. If it's an oral med the same situation exists, peaks and valleys in your blood levels.

Seventeen days after I started HRT I had my nuts chopped off via bilateral inguinal orchiectomy thereby eliminating testosterone (last check it was 10). That 10 is produced by the adrenal gland, which is present in both men and women.

I am using Estradiol transdermal patches for my female hormone. The patches provide a near constant level of the hormone directly into the blood stream bypassing the liver, which metabolizes oral meds.

If anyone self adjusts their dosages, they could be causing undesirable mood swings. If I was having mood swings, I'd be visiting my endocrinologist and ask them to check my  hormone levels.

I know I'm a nag, but I do know a hell of a lot more about drugs/meds and their dangers than most people. If a person tries to play both ends from the middle, they may succeed for a while; as with all things in life, everything comes with a price tag attached, we just won't know what the price is until the bill comes due. Smoking is a good example; two of my best friends died last year from lung cancer. They both thought it would never happen to them.

Just so you know, I am NOT accusing you of doing anything. If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't say >-bleeped-< and I wouldn't spend time posting on your thread, I'd just ignore you. Notice, I'm not ignoring you.

Sorry if you or anyone thinks my verbiage is a bit rough around the edges; it's that way on and for a purpose.

Best Always, All My Love Always,
Christine

[Roll]

I know Danielle and I love all of you. I guess to all of you I act like a big baby but its real and I don't like it either. It must be the medicine and I'm letting it get to me. I have been an emotional wreck this entire week.

Hugs,
       Chelsea

Shoulda seen me two weeks ago. What I posted here didn't even scratch the surface.

[Chelsea]

Christine, I really don't know how to respond to this other than saying I never self adjust my medicine. I take it exactly like my doctor has instructed and my last blood work was fine. As long as I drink lots of water and I drink some pickle juice at night I feel great. Thanks to you Danielle for that info because sense starting drinking a few ounces of pickle juice at night I have had no leg cramps at all. Last thing is I dont really have mood swings or haven't noticed. The dysphoria is my only issue and the HRT will not do anything for it. If anything its worse from the emotions. Thank you for posting.

Hugs,
        Chelsea

[Chelsea]

Shoulda seen me two weeks ago. What I posted here didn't even scratch the surface.

I must have missed that one Ellie. Are you going through the emotional roller coaster too?

Hugs,
       Chelsea

[Jayne01]

Last thing is I dont really have mood swings or haven't noticed. The dysphoria is my only issue and the HRT will not do anything for it. If anything its worse from the emotions. Thank you for posting.

Hugs,
        Chelsea

Chelsea, when a cis female goes through her monthly cycle, her hormone levels fluctuate with the cycle. Have you ever noticed that at certain times during the month, the females in your life appear more sensitive and prone to mood swings? Same thing happens to us trans women with varying hormone levels. When we first start HRT, we go through puberty all over again as our body goes through a dramatic shift in hormones levels. This shift causes our emotions to go a little wacky. We essentially become teenagers again, for a while. Things that didn't previously bother us too much suddenly become end of the world events. The severity of what we feel becomes amplified, appearing much worse than it really is. Knowing what is happening to us from a scientific point of view doesn't make it any easier when you are in the middle of it and living through it. You are now in the middle of your second puberty. All I can tell you is that it definitely does get better.... hang in there. This is the corkscrew twisty part of the roller coaster ride.

I can also understand what you mean about the dysphoria being worse. In my case, the dysphoria I feel comes in two forms. One form is the physical body dysphoria and the other is a social dysphoria. The hormones are taking care of the physical part by changing my body to be more feminine. The hormones are also working on my mind, but in a much more subtle way. I did not notice any mental effects for a good six months, until I thought back to how I felt before starting HRT. Comparing my mental state from before HRT to how I feel today (almost a year later), there is a huge difference. Taking care of the social dysphoria required something other than meds. I needed to start believing in myself that I actually am a woman and not just a guy playing dress up. Easier said than done. And with that belief, go out into the world as Jayne. It wasn't enough to be John dressed up as Jayne, because that made me feel worse. I kept telling myself "I AM Jayne!" I would go into women's shops, nervously looking over my shoulder wondering what other people are thinking. I'd see other women, some that would fit the MPB description, and they would trigger my dysphoria making me feel worse about myself. I would give myself little pep talks in my head saying "I am a woman and I belong here as much as anyone else", or "My name is Jayne and I am a woman!". After a few outings feeling nervous and self conscious, I started to feel more at ease. The MPB's didn't bother me anymore. Being out in the world as Jayne and believing in myself made me realise that I don't need to look a certain way to know I am a woman. Switching back to male mode after being successfully out as Jayne also triggers the dysphoria. It feels like being hit by a freight train.

You could be experiencing similar things to me, with the body dysphoria and social dysphoria. HRT can only help with the first. The second will take a little time until your confidence builds up. I keep telling you to hang in there, the reason being because you are currently going through a rough part of the transition journey. It does get better. So I will say it again.......hang in there. You are doing much better than you may think you are.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Chelsea]

Chelsea, when a cis female goes through her monthly cycle, her hormone levels fluctuate with the cycle. Have you ever noticed that at certain times during the month, the females in your life appear more sensitive and prone to mood swings? Same thing happens to us trans women with varying hormone levels. When we first start HRT, we go through puberty all over again as our body goes through a dramatic shift in hormones levels. This shift causes our emotions to go a little wacky. We essentially become teenagers again, for a while. Things that didn't previously bother us too much suddenly become end of the world events. The severity of what we feel becomes amplified, appearing much worse than it really is. Knowing what is happening to us from a scientific point of view doesn't make it any easier when you are in the middle of it and living through it. You are now in the middle of your second puberty. All I can tell you is that it definitely does get better.... hang in there. This is the corkscrew twisty part of the roller coaster ride.

I can also understand what you mean about the dysphoria being worse. In my case, the dysphoria I feel comes in two forms. One form is the physical body dysphoria and the other is a social dysphoria. The hormones are taking care of the physical part by changing my body to be more feminine. The hormones are also working on my mind, but in a much more subtle way. I did not notice any mental effects for a good six months, until I thought back to how I felt before starting HRT. Comparing my mental state from before HRT to how I feel today (almost a year later), there is a huge difference. Taking care of the social dysphoria required something other than meds. I needed to start believing in myself that I actually am a woman and not just a guy playing dress up. Easier said than done. And with that belief, go out into the world as Jayne. It wasn't enough to be John dressed up as Jayne, because that made me feel worse. I kept telling myself "I AM Jayne!" I would go into women's shops, nervously looking over my shoulder wondering what other people are thinking. I'd see other women, some that would fit the MPB description, and they would trigger my dysphoria making me feel worse about myself. I would give myself little pep talks in my head saying "I am a woman and I belong here as much as anyone else", or "My name is Jayne and I am a woman!". After a few outings feeling nervous and self conscious, I started to feel more at ease. The MPB's didn't bother me anymore. Being out in the world as Jayne and believing in myself made me realise that I don't need to look a certain way to know I am a woman. Switching back to male mode after being successfully out as Jayne also triggers the dysphoria. It feels like being hit by a freight train.

You could be experiencing similar things to me, with the body dysphoria and social dysphoria. HRT can only help with the first. The second will take a little time until your confidence builds up. I keep telling you to hang in there, the reason being because you are currently going through a rough part of the transition journey. It does get better. So I will say it again.......hang in there. You are doing much better than you may think you are.

Hugs,
Jayne

Thank you Jayne for replying. I think its the body dysphoria that is getting to me mostly. I have a bad habit of looking in the mirror all the time. I have tried to say "OK I'm not looking in the mirror for two weeks." I cant do it. lol I am always looking for a change.

Here is something that I do constantly and I am anxious to know if you girls do or have done this before.  I have a full length mirror in the bathroom and If I look in the mirror with no clothes on I look horrible. Now if I look in the same mirror with full makeup and wig and no clothes my body is looking pretty good and it makes me happy. Its like it tricks my brain. This has to be body dysphoria. I'm thinking after more time on HRT I will get the confidence I need and any social dysphoria I have should not be an issue anymore. I could be wrong but that's my thoughts on my dysphoria. Keep in mind that I have never been around other people as Chelsea so I might have social dysphoria and not know it...

O and I am hanging in there. I'm in this for the long haul. 

Hugs,
       Chelsea

[Northern Star Girl]

..
..
@Chelsea ... In your response to the reply post from @Jayne01 you stated at the end of your reply the following:

"O and I am hanging in there. I'm in this for the long haul." 

Atta girl ... that's our girl Chelsea.. I am so very glad to read that statement of yours.
 
Yes, the day by day stuff changes so slowly, it is in the long haul that you and others will notice body and face changes.   HRT is not a fast and quick process and the changes that you experience will be uniquely yours.... other transitioners may have quicker or slower results with more or less significant changes.  It is all up to your body and how it reacts to the HRT regimen.   Patience ir required for sure...  If you look for daily or weekly changes you will usually be disappointed.   Perhaps a better time frame for evaluating or recording your HRT timeline is on a monthly basis.
Again Chelsea.... PATIENCE  !!! 

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

[JudiBlueEyes]

Chelsea, when you wrote "I have a full length mirror in the bathroom and..." I had to chuckle.  My best friend (a guy) told me years ago how he never looks in a mirror.  When I came out to him I confided that I cannot pass a mirror without looking at myself.  It's our nature.  We want to look good and we look to the mirror for validation.  But it can be a fickle friend so look for the changes, as small as they may be at times.  This is what it's showing you.  Now you admit you look and it makes you happy to see Chelsea.  That's what you should aspire too.  Hang in there girl!  The tough times don't last, but tough women do!

Judi

[christinej78]

.
.

Christine, I really don't know how to respond to this other than saying I never self adjust my medicine. I take it exactly like my doctor has instructed and my last blood work was fine. As long as I drink lots of water and I drink some pickle juice at night I feel great. Thanks to you Danielle for that info because sense starting drinking a few ounces of pickle juice at night I have had no leg cramps at all. Last thing is I dont really have mood swings or haven't noticed. The dysphoria is my only issue and the HRT will not do anything for it. If anything its worse from the emotions. Thank you for posting.

Hugs,
        Chelsea

Just so you know, I am NOT accusing you of doing anything. If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't say >-bleeped-< and I wouldn't spend time posting on your thread, I'd just ignore you. Notice, I'm not ignoring you.
.
.

Dear Chelsea,                         26 June 2018

You must have missed the last part of the above. You have a lot of followers; I wrote what I wrote for your audience as a whole, not just you. There may be a reader that is/or was contemplating self medicating. I don't have time to write a post for everyone so I chose your thread to make my statement; see above: "I am NOT accusing you of doing anything."

Do you really know what I want from you?

Here is what I want; I want you to be successful in Business and in your Personal Life. I put those two items in that specific order, because without success in business you will not have the resources to be successful in your personal life. That's it in a nut shell, nothing more, nothing less.

Best Always, All My Love Always,
Christine