Chelsea's Transition Adventure

[Jayne01]

Thank you Jayne for replying. I think its the body dysphoria that is getting to me mostly. I have a bad habit of looking in the mirror all the time. I have tried to say "OK I'm not looking in the mirror for two weeks." I cant do it. lol I am always looking for a change.

Oh Chelsea....don't go constantly looking for changes. You won't see them. The changes happen gradually and even if there were noticeable differences from one day to the next, you probably won't see them because you always see yourself. I have an app on my phone where I keep a log of my measurements to see what kind of effect HRT is having. I take measurements every 3 or 4 weeks and for the past few months, nothing has changed. Barely even a single centimetre. Yet I know my breasts are still growing. The dimension taken by the tape measure seems unchanging, but my breasts are filling and rounding out, making them appear larger than the tape measure would suggest. What I am trying to say is, trust that things will change without looking for differences day to day. Maybe a better option would be to take regular photos of yourself, say once a month, and then compare photos several months apart and you will surely see what is changing.

Here is something that I do constantly and I am anxious to know if you girls do or have done this before.  I have a full length mirror in the bathroom and If I look in the mirror with no clothes on I look horrible. Now if I look in the same mirror with full makeup and wig and no clothes my body is looking pretty good and it makes me happy. Its like it tricks my brain. This has to be body dysphoria. I'm thinking after more time on HRT I will get the confidence I need and any social dysphoria I have should not be an issue anymore. I could be wrong but that's my thoughts on my dysphoria. Keep in mind that I have never been around other people as Chelsea so I might have social dysphoria and not know it...

Your hair makes a huge difference to how you look. I used to have a #1 crew cut for the past 20 years. I couldn't imagine what I would look like with more hair. After letting my hair grow for a while, last haircut I had was September last year, I am starting to see a woman in the mirror. That woman was not visible to me with the shorter hair. In your case, the difference between wearing the wig and not wearing it would be much more dramatic, possibly causing you the added dysphoria. The reason I say the difference would be more dramatic is because your wig is big, long hair, which I am guessing is very different to your actual hair. BTW, your chosen wig hair style looks really good on you.  It suits you very well.

O and I am hanging in there. I'm in this for the long haul. 

That's the spirit! You have the right attitude to transition very successfully.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Allison S]

I relate a lot to the dysphoria and frustrations at times with hrt. It's not so easy to put so much into a "transition" and it's all up in the air. I don't know what I need anymore. I feel like eveything (including stability) has been taken from me and I'm scared I won't find my ground again...
So I've followed your posts here and I understand what you're going through.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Charlie Nicki]

Hey Chelsea,

I think this is the first time I've read your thread and caught the last few posts.  So you are having insecurities and dysphoria? Welcome to the club! Lol. I went full time 3 weeks ago and it gets easier each day but I'm sure the dysphoria won't go away completely. I have a friend who's been full time for 6 years and she still gets dysphoria attacks every once in a while. Basically we need to learn how to live with it and how to handle it.

Hang in there girl, I know it's easier said than done. Several times I've felt like this is too much to handle emotionally but there's still something inside me always telling me to continue so that's what I'm doing. I think that drive is part of all of us, it's what other people call "bravery" which is super inaccurate given how scared and insecure we actually are inside.

[Northern Star Girl]

Hey Chelsea,

I think this is the first time I've read your thread and caught the last few posts.  So you are having insecurities and dysphoria? Welcome to the club! Lol. I went full time 3 weeks ago and it gets easier each day but I'm sure the dysphoria won't go away completely. I have a friend who's been full time for 6 years and she still gets dysphoria attacks every once in a while. Basically we need to learn how to live with it and how to handle it.

Hang in there girl, I know it's easier said than done. Several times I've felt like this is too much to handle emotionally but there's still something inside me always telling me to continue so that's what I'm doing. I think that drive is part of all of us, it's what other people call "bravery" which is super inaccurate given how scared and insecure we actually are inside.

@Charlie Nicki .... well stated and exactly correct ....  in our transition journeys we must be very determined and use all the willpower we can muster to stay on course.....  then of course we need patience to see it through.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Charlie Nicki]

@Charlie Nicki .... well stated and exactly correct ....  in our transition journeys we must be very determined and use all the willpower we can muster to stay on course.....  then of course we need patience to see it through.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Hugs,
Danielle

Agreed...Patience is the keyword. We need A LOT of it.

[Chelsea]

I relate a lot to the dysphoria and frustrations at times with hrt. It's not so easy to put so much into a "transition" and it's all up in the air. I don't know what I need anymore. I feel like eveything (including stability) has been taken from me and I'm scared I won't find my ground again...
So I've followed your posts here and I understand what you're going through.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Allison thank you for posting. You will find your ground again and so will I. I know exactly how you feel. On top of my dysphoria and frustrations life just keeps handing me bad cards. Its like something or someone is trying to break me.
I have said this before it feels like I move one step forward and fifteen back. Example... Last night after my last post we had a bad thunderstorm come through. An electrical surge damaged two routers, my mothers big screen tv, a cable box and modem. I had to get up this morning and spend my doctor money on replacing some of these things because I have a online business and must have internet. Then had to call and cancel my doctors appointment and my voice therapy for this week. I feel like I'm in the woods and there are people in every tree throwing rocks at me but I cant stop. If I can keep going so can you. We will get through this.

Hey Chelsea,

I think this is the first time I've read your thread and caught the last few posts.  So you are having insecurities and dysphoria? Welcome to the club! Lol. I went full time 3 weeks ago and it gets easier each day but I'm sure the dysphoria won't go away completely. I have a friend who's been full time for 6 years and she still gets dysphoria attacks every once in a while. Basically we need to learn how to live with it and how to handle it.

Hang in there girl, I know it's easier said than done. Several times I've felt like this is too much to handle emotionally but there's still something inside me always telling me to continue so that's what I'm doing. I think that drive is part of all of us, it's what other people call "bravery" which is super inaccurate given how scared and insecure we actually are inside.

Charlie Nicki, Thank you for joining in on my crazy thread. I will continue going down this rocky road I'm on and you are right, its not easy. When I first started I thought I could just take my medicine and when its time to come out, I would be finished and be Chelsea. lol Sadly its a lot more than that now that I'm doing it. I never had much of a issue with the dysphoria until starting hrt. I have never been in public as Chelsea so my dysphoria will most certainly get worse when I do.
My brother said that what I was doing was the most brave thing he has ever seen, and like you say I am scared to death inside and full of insecurities. Again thank you for posting. All of you help me so much.

Hugs,
        Chelsea

[Charlie Nicki]

Allison thank you for posting. You will find your ground again and so will I. I know exactly how you feel. On top of my dysphoria and frustrations life just keeps handing me bad cards. Its like something or someone is trying to break me.
I have said this before it feels like I move one step forward and fifteen back. Example... Last night after my last post we had a bad thunderstorm come through. An electrical surge damaged two routers, my mothers big screen tv, a cable box and modem. I had to get up this morning and spend my doctor money on replacing some of these things because I have a online business and must have internet. Then had to call and cancel my doctors appointment and my voice therapy for this week. I feel like I'm in the woods and there are people in every tree throwing rocks at me but I cant stop. If I can keep going so can you. We will get through this.

Charlie Nicki, Thank you for joining in on my crazy thread. I will continue going down this rocky road I'm on and you are right, its not easy. When I first started I thought I could just take my medicine and when its time to come out, I would be finished and be Chelsea. lol Sadly its a lot more than that now that I'm doing it. I never had much of a issue with the dysphoria until starting hrt. I have never been in public as Chelsea so my dysphoria will most certainly get worse when I do.
My brother said that what I was doing was the most brave thing he has ever seen, and like you say I am scared to death inside and full of insecurities. Again thank you for posting. All of you help me so much.

Hugs,
        Chelsea

I'm glad our posts can help you in any way. Just knowing that there are so many of us all around the world going through the same messed up thing, makes the process a bit easier.

[Chelsea]

Girls my business is failing. I'm ok just very bummed out. I haven't sold anything in two weeks and buy the time I get my friend paid back and start actually making money with him, It will be too late to keep this machine I've wasted over 30K on. Without the machine... well I just don't know. I will get through this somehow but it sucks when you don't have anything in the fridge to eat and your supposed to be the provider. I'm going to work anyway even though I feel like I'm pissing in the wind. Maybe I will get through this one day. Sooner than later I hope because this is getting really really old. I'm just blowing off steam so there is no need to reply because there is no way out of this and to be honest I'm tired of trying. No person should have to work that hard just to survive. I'm just delaying the inevitable. But hey I'm alive.

Hugs,
      Chelsea

[Northern Star Girl]

Girls my business is failing. I'm ok just very bummed out. I haven't sold anything in two weeks and buy the time I get my friend paid back and start actually making money with him, It will be too late to keep this machine I've wasted over 30K on. Without the machine... well I just don't know. I will get through this somehow but it sucks when you don't have anything in the fridge to eat and your supposed to be the provider. I'm going to work anyway even though I feel like I'm pissing in the wind. Maybe I will get through this one day. Sooner than later I hope because this is getting really really old. I'm just blowing off steam so there is no need to reply because there is no way out of this and to be honest I'm tired of trying. No person should have to work that hard just to survive. I'm just delaying the inevitable. But hey I'm alive.

Hugs,
      Chelsea

@Chelsea
My dear Chelsea... I am so very sorry to hear about your difficulties not only with your business but all of the other life issues that are coming your way....  I have no words that can make all of that go away, my magic wand is broken.

It upsets me greatly to hear when a good friend or loved one is having a tough time dealing with issues that adversely affect them.   It then affects me too... greatly affects me.   My heart goes out to you.

I have just a thought... can you sell the machine to someone that will take over the payments and perhaps you can make a little extra in the process for handling the deal??   At least try get out of the deal with something  $$ even if it is just a little.

Giving you my HUGS and as always well wishes,
Danielle

[sarah1972]

O No Chelsea! So sorry to hear about the continued problems. Following your thread, we all know how hard you have been working over the past few weeks. You should rest assured that it was not for the lack of trying if it does come to the point where you may have to give up on the dream of your small business, at least temporarily. The situation may change and you may be able to start back up in the future.

You may remember me being in your situation many years ago. And as @Alaskan Danielle suggested, I did have to find someone taking over the expensive equipment lease since I could no longer afford payments. It certainly was a very sad day when the truck drove away and I was left with a half-empty shop. It was however also a great relief since I knew in the situation I was in, this was needed for me to get back on my feet.

One other thought I had is: Could you share the machine with someone else? Take turns producing goods? I know this is somewhat common for commercial kitchens where a few people share one or people can rent a kitchen by the hour. I certainly miss having access to a decent CNC machine but I also only need it maybe once a year. Or could you start teaching how to use your machine and create some income that way until your regular business picks back up?

Stay strong Chelsea! Hugs - Sarah

Girls my business is failing. I'm ok just very bummed out. I haven't sold anything in two weeks and buy the time I get my friend paid back and start actually making money with him, It will be too late to keep this machine I've wasted over 30K on. Without the machine... well I just don't know. I will get through this somehow but it sucks when you don't have anything in the fridge to eat and your supposed to be the provider. I'm going to work anyway even though I feel like I'm pissing in the wind. Maybe I will get through this one day. Sooner than later I hope because this is getting really really old. I'm just blowing off steam so there is no need to reply because there is no way out of this and to be honest I'm tired of trying. No person should have to work that hard just to survive. I'm just delaying the inevitable. But hey I'm alive.

Hugs,
      Chelsea

[Jayne01]

Girls my business is failing. I'm ok just very bummed out. I haven't sold anything in two weeks and buy the time I get my friend paid back and start actually making money with him, It will be too late to keep this machine I've wasted over 30K on. Without the machine... well I just don't know. I will get through this somehow but it sucks when you don't have anything in the fridge to eat and your supposed to be the provider. I'm going to work anyway even though I feel like I'm pissing in the wind. Maybe I will get through this one day. Sooner than later I hope because this is getting really really old. I'm just blowing off steam so there is no need to reply because there is no way out of this and to be honest I'm tired of trying. No person should have to work that hard just to survive. I'm just delaying the inevitable. But hey I'm alive.

Hugs,
      Chelsea

Hi Chelsea,

I am so sorry that your business keeps hitting the wall with creating any meaningful income. Danielle and Sarah had some good suggestions that may be an option to turn things around for you. I wish that I also had some good ideas to help you, but I am at a loss. I don't have a business brain. All I can offer you is moral support to help keep you in a positive mindset. I can tell that you are already in a much better frame of mind than you were when things took a downturn several weeks ago. You are not one to give up easily. Keep working hard with any production jobs you do have and also with the job your friend has given you. The income you are currently getting is minimal and not enough to provide and keep up with payments on your machine, but it is more than no income at all. Also, keep working hard at figuring ways to get back into a financial position that allows you to provide for your family. We are all rooting for you.

I know you will, but I will say it anyway. Hang in there!

Hugs,
Jayne

[Northern Star Girl]

@Chelsea
Chelsea:... another thought:  If there are machine shops near your area and even other places not so near that may need metal milling work done in their peak times you might consider offering to subcontract some of their jobs.  If a company needed a quantity of small parts made for a big job, that could even be something that could be sent by freight, UPS or the US Mail... just thinking out loud here.   
That could be an attractive alternative for a busy shop thus permitting them to get more work done and more product out the door without investing in more machines and training or finding new employees.   
Since I am thousands of mile away and in a completely different work field I really don't know what I am talking about....  rather I am just throwing out ideas.

Keep working for you friend as much as possible and if the hours with him start tapering off, find any job, .... any job at all.... even if it is lower paying, it will at least help you to offset some of your expenses.

I will be watching for your next update.
Hugs and as always, I am wishing you well,
Danielle

[Jayne01]

Danielle, picking up some surplus work from larger business is actually a good idea.

Chelsea, further to what Danielle said, you could shift your business from production and sales to contracting for larger companies. The larger companies don't even have to be local to you. It would still be worth their while to factor in freight costs than to tie their money up in owning and maintaining machinery assets and pay staff to operate the machines. Spread your search for work all over the country.

Keep your head up and stay strong.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Northern Star Girl]

@Chelsea
Dear Chelsea:
I am certain that I am speaking for all of your other readers and followers of your thread and posts....   we are rooting for you and are your biggest fans.   When the time is right for you to continue with your updates we will all be happy campers and will rejoice in your happy reports and support you in your not so happy times.

We are trusting that all is OK with you and that you are handling your various issues that you have been enduring and trying to deal with.

Hugs and hugs and hugs,
Danielle

[KathyLauren]

Aw, hun, I am sorry to hear that your business has not picked up.  I don't have any advice to offer you that hasn't already been suggested.  All I can do is offer you a virtual hug: (((((HUG)))))

[Chelsea]

Month 4 Update

I haven't posted in a while so thought I would do my 4th month update. Not really much too report. I have no real measurable body changes but can see things changing. I'm feeling a lot better about my body. My thighs have gotten bigger but I didn't take a measurement when starting because I'm a bonehead. They are at 18.5 inches. Yeah Yeah I know I'm a stick but I'll get there one day. I have gained some of my weight back and am up to 131lbs. Emotions have been running wild but I know what they are now and I'm able to handle them better. It took me awhile to figure them out.

Had my blood taken Friday but haven't got the report back yet. I'm pretty sure that it will come back fine.

I'm still working like something silly and finally got my friend paid back. I've been working 14 and 16 hour days and I'm exhausted to the point I don't feel good.

Even though I don't have much to report as far as monthly changes go I do have some very good news. All of you know I have been looking to meet another trans person face to face. I have a friend that transitioned over 3 years ago but we never can get a chance to meet up. The other girl that my therapist set me up with is the same way and has a lot going on in her life as well.
About two weeks ago I seen a cute girl on Instagram that lived kind of close to me, so I messaged her to ask how long she had been on hormones. We have been talking some at night when I get home from working. A few days ago my totally awesome girl friend told me to ask her to meet and it would be good for me. I sent her a massage and ask her expecting the same as the others that I have tried to meet but to my surprise she said Sure! We made plans to meet and yesterday I drove a hour and a half away, the entire time I was soo nervous. I was in guy mode and she told me that its fine that we all have a guy mode. The closer I got the more nervous I got. When I got there she came to the door and when I seen her in person I freaked out and just sit there like a idiot. She came out to the car to get me and reassured me that is all good.
I could tell that she knew how scared I was and told me "don't sweat it, were gonna have fun." I did bring my clothes and makeup just in case and I'm glad I did. I have never had so much fun. I talked to her for hours and in 10 minuets I felt like I had known her for years. We got ready together and she was the first person ever to see me as Chelsea other than my girlfriend. She said "come on were running to the store. you need to get over this shyness." She still has her male voice but I'm telling you she don't care. I have never seen so much confidence in a person in my life. She made me feel so pretty telling me she wished she looked as good as me and she is at 10 months. We hang out about 5 hours and If any of you have never met another trans person I highly recommend it. I finally met one and now have a very good friend. This was the best experience I have had sense starting this transition.

I need to get back to work but just wanted to share my awesome day I had.

Hugs,
      Chelsea

[JudiBlueEyes]

Chelsea what a wonderful report!  I'm glad you enjoyed yourself with your new friend.  She sounds like a hot ticket!  Being around others who are confident is contagious. 

Good news on getting your friend paid.  I know you're working hard.  Sounds like you're making progress. 

"Nothing measurable but can see things happening."  This is how it happens for the most part.  As we focus on life, the changes quietly appear. 

Thanks for checking in!
Hugs, Judi

[JulieAllana]

I have but one word for you...."AWESOME!!"   

[Jayne01]

Wow Chelsea! What an awesome update. I am so happy for you. You are making great progress with your work and have taken a gigantic leap forward in your transition journey. WOW!!!!!

Here is a HUGE and GIGANTIC ((((((((((HUG)))))))))) for you!!!

Jayne

[steph2.0]

Way to go, Chelsea!! It's so cool to find someone you can share the adventure with who really gets it.

And you went shopping?! Awesome! Mark your calendar, you'll remember that day forever!

Stephanie