Hi Chelsea,
I am really sorry you had that crappy experience. Don't give up on yourself. There is more to passing than just the way you look. You need to be confident in who you are. This is an area that still needs some work. You are doing incredibly well so far. There will be times when your day just turns to crap. I'm glad you posted about it here to vent. Get the anger and frustration out of your system then pick yourself up and keep moving forward. You've got this Chelsea. I believe in you.
Below I have picked out some of the things you said in your venting post. I did this to try and highlight how the language we use towards ourselves can have a big impact on our mood. I am not trying to pick on you while you are feeling down, so please don't take this the wrong way.
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I most defiantly am not at all passable at this point in my transition.
Yes, you
are passable. As far as your looks alone, I think you've nailed it. I haven't heard you speak, so I can't comment on your voice. What I think is letting you down is your self confidence. Your photos are 100% female so there must be other factors letting you down.
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While in the dollar store a guy told the cashier Sue (I know Sue very well) that he thought I was steeling something. I have no Idea what that was about. Maybe he picked up on my nervousness.
If you look visibly nervous, you will attract unwanted attention. This guy's first thought was to report you to the cashier for being a possible thief. You were clearly nervous being out in public as Chelsea but he didn't know that. He only saw s nervous looking person. That doesn't mean you don't pass.
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...By the time I left the store with Joni I was the Main attraction at the freak show.
You are NOT a freak. Please don't refer to yourself that way. You are afraid and still finding your way. That doesn't make you a freak, it makes you someone to be admired for having the courage to do whatever it takes to be yourself. You are awesome!
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....I'm guessing the read right through me.
You have no idea what others are thinking. Unless they flat out speak their mind all you can do is guess their thoughts and more often than not, you are likely to guess wrong. Just like that guy in the store who guessed that you might be a thief, he was wrong!
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Two of the women actually followed us out to the car staring the entire time.
Were they following you or just happen to be going the same way? If they were staring at you, then why? Maybe they liked the way you dressed, or you reminded them of someone they know, or maybe they simply thought you looked really nice and were admiring you.
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Even though they was following us and obviously talking about me....
How do you know they were talking about you? Did you hear what they were saying? Even if they were talking about you and saying things that were not nice, is it worth you getting upset over what some unknown strangers are thinking?
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Looks like I am going to have to keep playing like am a boy or come out and be treated like a freak. Who ever said sit back and enjoy the ride?
Again, you are absolutely NOT a freak. Don't give up on yourself. This is a ride that can be enjoyed very much. Like any roller coaster, there will be low points and high points. Hang in there through the lows, they will pass. And when the next high comes around you will have moved on from the last low and you will feel on top of the world.
Get yourself out there again. Build your confidence back up again. Keep telling yourself that you are Chelsea, you are a woman and you belong wherever you choose to go.
You've got this!!! Don't give up!!!
Really big hugs!
Jayne