Chelsea's Transition Adventure

[JulieAllana]

What would help you in public is going out with others. Company will help distract you and you will be able to accumulate more public hours.

I will agree with Dena, that it is WAAAY easier for me to be out and about when I am with others.

Sorry you are having a rough time of it


          Love,
               Julie

[Donica]

I'm in the same place as you Chelsea. I've been full time since this July and I still have anxiety when in public. I agree with Dena in that I find strength in numbers and understand it will take time to get used to it. I find myself caring less and less every day about what people think. I am starting to think more about my own business instead of what other people are thinking of me. Smile when you make eye contact and they will smile back.

If you can stand up to your mother the way you did, you can stand up to anyone. Stay strong and confident girl. You are a lovely person.

Hugs,
Donica.

[Chelsea]

Month 8

    I would normally say Month 8 Update but, I feel like this is more of a down date then a update. This post will most likely be all over the place as I am very upset while typing it. I have no idea where the last month has gone but it went fast.

   I originally was putting all the blame on my mother about going full time. I was so mad at her because she was keeping me from being myself. Over the last month I have realized that it has nothing to do with her at all. Its me.
I didn't realize that I am just as miserable now as I was before taking that first pill. I actually sit down and talked to mom last night with a full face of makeup on like it was nothing. Sure she still is dead against it but at least we can talk now.

   The truth is that I have a very bad self image of myself. No matter how many people tell me how beautiful I am I just cant see it. When I started this transition I weighed 143lbs. To me that is still on the skinny side for a woman that's 5'9" tall. In the last 8 months I have lost all the way down to 120 and I'm still there. Its not I don't like the way I look. I absolutely hate the way I look with a hot bloody passion. That womanly shape is not as noticeable now like it briefly showed its self because of all the weight I have lost. I hate my looks so bad that it shows when I do manage to get a tiny bit of courage to go into a store with two people in it. I get clocked every single time I go in a place so whats the point. How am I ever going to sell the public that I'm a woman when I do not feel like I look the part myself. I have had a lot of changes so far with HRT in my face but my body does not match. There is a reason that I never post any body pictures.
I look more like a feminine guy with makeup on than a woman. I honestly think going out in public with me feeling like this is just making me worse even if I have been on hormones 8 months.
   
      I did not do any body measurements because I am afraid of the results. My money situation is still the same, Just barley getting by so I have not returned to voice therapy.

Im truly sorry if this brings anyone down but I can't sugar coat this thread anymore. I've been miserable to the point really wanting to throw in the towel.

Chelsea

[davina61]

I think you hit the nail on the head there, "I hate the way I look" that's why you feel so bad. Don't take this the wrong way but it is a state of mind as our Alaskan friend says POSITIVITY is what is needed. Easy for me to say as I never had and still don't have a problem presenting.

[Donica]

Chelsea, I was skinny when I was your age only I was even taller than you. I'm still skinny now but at 14 months, the HRT is beginning to do it's thing. I would say give it a year at least before you make that decision. Fight through this. Don't worry about how you look right now because that is going to change with HRT. We all go through this period. We all get clocked in the beginning. It may take two years but it will happen. You have a big head start with your pretty face.

Stay positive girl.
Donica.

[Sonja]

@Chelsea

Chelsea - First - I really like your avatar photo - you look great! But you are too hard on yourself.

On Friday evening my wife and I had a girl friend of hers over for drinks so we sat outside talking for hours, I wore my girls pointy flats with thin strap - she never said anything about it. During the conversation she joked about a nude selfie she sent to her husband, my wife had already seen it and said show it to (me) so she did and I said "ha very nice" because she is drop dead gorgeous - but I also said "OH why are you covering your boobs if it was just for your husband??" and she said " well they're a bit saggy these days so I was feeling a bit self conscious"
This woman has a killer figure, beautiful face, legs to die for etc etc and she still thinks she doesn't measure up......

I have yet to meet a woman who is happy with her looks, figure, legs you name it.

Most of us will never look like a 100% passable cis-woman, so comes the very real question - will you be happy enough as a transgender woman? knowing you can still have friends who care about you and accept you as you are and want to be?

I hope so,

Take care XO,

Sonja.

[Chelsea]

@Chelsea

Chelsea - First - I really like your avatar photo - you look great! But you are too hard on yourself.

On Friday evening my wife and I had a girl friend of hers over for drinks so we sat outside talking for hours, I wore my girls pointy flats with thin strap - she never said anything about it. During the conversation she joked about a nude selfie she sent to her husband, my wife had already seen it and said show it to (me) so she did and I said "ha very nice" because she is drop dead gorgeous - but I also said "OH why are you covering your boobs if it was just for your husband??" and she said " well they're a bit saggy these days so I was feeling a bit self conscious"
This woman has a killer figure, beautiful face, legs to die for etc etc and she still thinks she doesn't measure up......

I have yet to meet a woman who is happy with her looks, figure, legs you name it.

Most of us will never look like a 100% passable cis-woman, so comes the very real question - will you be happy enough as a transgender woman? knowing you can still have friends who care about you and accept you as you are and want to be?

I hope so,

Take care XO,

Sonja.

The answer to that question is No if I'm not gonna pass. I will never be happy looking half and half. I dont expect to look like a cis-female but I do expect to pass some day.

[JudiBlueEyes]

Chelsea I agree your avatar photo is wonderful.   But I also realize the position you are in.  As Donica says, "fight through it."  As to your weight, I am at six foot and 145 pounds.  A year ago I was flirting with 130, for no apparent reason, my diet or activity level hadn't changed.  Then I started to gain it back.  Don't fret.  The HRT will take its time; remember puberty is a multiple year event.  I've had periods of status quo and then the change machine starts back up.  I've recently seen more fullness in my chest and skinny hips.  Given my height, I don't expect too much as I see lots of tall lean women like me (funny how we notice others now).   

Sonja's tale is right on.  No woman is ever satisfied it seems.  But we shouldn't put ourselves down because of it.  There are "remedies" for you (and me), we just have to do the time and work on the right things.    You got this!

Judi

 

[Chelsea]

      Something really awesome happened to me the last couple days and i wanted to share with all of you. This is going to probably sound to good to be true but it actually happened and to think it happened to me still has me in shock. I have cried happy tears most of the day. Yesterday a very dear friend named Wesley came over to see me. I haven't seen him sense I left the plant I worked at a couple years ago so that I could start my transition. I was in my shop and when I open the door to see who it was he said "Oh My God you look just like a girl." lol  My response was "Word gets around doesn't it." I knew that he would be accepting like he was.
     Just a little bit of history from me and him. We went to school together and even vocational school later on. We grew up always hanging out, Riding dirt bikes and working on cars together. He still works at the factory that we worked together for 16 years. We sit and talked for 4 hours and he was asking all about my transition. I pretty much told him my entire life story of the part that I hid from everyone. I must have done a pretty good job because he said although I was sad a lot he never would have guessed I was transgender. He had heard that I was having a very hard time and wanted to know what he could do to help me. I told him there is nothing anyone could do. Ever sense I had my "Dark Day" 9 months ago that some of you know about I have not had much motivation to do anything. I do work but without my other machine it is very slow. I got a letter from HAAS to come and get the machine early this week. It has sit in my shop for months waiting for them to pick it up.
     We are getting to the good part. Back when we used to hang out together he had a Black Acura Integra that he wanted to paint so I said "lets do it." In the process I taught him a lot about body work and painting. I did not charge him anything because were buddies. It was more of a hang out, drink beer and work on a car together. This car turned out show quality and he said i have never forgot that and I think its time that I do something for you. He has made a lot better choices in life than me through the years and is doing very well for himself. He called HAAS today and has paid off my machine that I need so badly. What kind of person would do that? He said "Because I know if the situation was reversed that I would do it for him and he want me to be successful in life like he has. After I got home today from my second job at the body shop there was a new computer waiting for me in the shop.
     Now I will be about to quit the part time body shop work and work entirely for myself. With the other machine it dramatically increases my production and enables me to develop new parts to sell. Once I get caught up on everything now I will be able to continue my voice therapy, laser, and anything else I need with no issue. I give him a big hug and told him I don't know how I would ever repay him. He said just make the best of this business and the talent that I have and that will be payment enough.
     Wesley has give me a second chance at life pretty much and I intend to make the best of it. Its all still to good to be true but It happened as I have run the machine today after I got the authorization code from HAAS. I have a lot of work to do but it will be so much easier and faster now. I'm sure there is something I forgot but I need to wipe the tears off my keyboard. lol  Thank all of you for hanging in here with me as I have had my ups and downs.

Hugs,
           Chelsea

[Lacy]

This is exciting! I have just starting reading your thread, but I had to respond.

I worked in a machine shop for nearly 7 years. 6 as an industrial mechanic and one as an engineer. We had a Haas machine along with a lot of Mitsubishi, Okuma, Tsugami, Mazak, Ameri-Seiki, Bridgeport and pretty much any other machine brand you can think of.
I am glad I am no longer work in a factory setting, but still love machining.

Sounds like this is a good friend. The fact that he is accepting and supporting is amazing.
I look forward to reading the rest of your thread and seeing new updates as they come!

Lacy


Hugs,
Lacy

[Chelsea]

This is exciting! I have just starting reading your thread, but I had to respond.

I worked in a machine shop for nearly 7 years. 6 as an industrial mechanic and one as an engineer. We had a Haas machine along with a lot of Mitsubishi, Okuma, Tsugami, Mazak, Ameri-Seiki, Bridgeport and pretty much any other machine brand you can think of.
I am glad I am no longer work in a factory setting, but still love machining.

Sounds like this is a good friend. The fact that he is accepting and supporting is amazing.
I look forward to reading the rest of your thread and seeing new updates as they come!

Lacy


Hugs,
Lacy

Thank you Lacy.

I have also worked a lot of years in a large machine shop running most of the machines you listed. I currently have a HAAS VF2SS vertical mill and a HAAS ST10 lathe plus about 4 manual machines. I have always enjoyed machining.

Hugs,
          Chelsea

[Northern Star Girl]

@Chelsea
Dear Chelsea:
I have been waiting for your next update for about 2 weeks, and I know that in the past that I have bugged you for updates to your thread but because I did not want your to feel pressured I have stayed silent to allow you to work through many of the issues that you are dealing with..... and WOW... you blew me over with your good news update... 

.....this is is a big blessing to you which will allow you to see some light at the end of the tunnel.   I wish I could give both you and your friend Wesley a big hug... again, WOW... this is such unexpected fantastic news.

Oh, and your new Avatar Profile picture is fantastic, it shows a very beautiful woman for sure.  Thank you for sharing it with all of us.

I will say it one more time ... WOW  !!!!  Your good report makes me smile.  I am so very happy for you.   Finally you will get your business going and get some money in your pocket so you can get caught up with your finances... and finally get continued voice lessons to help you to pass convincingly as you continue in your transition journey.
.
Hugs and hugs and hugs and more hugs,
Danielle [emoji173]

[Laurie]

Hi Chelsea,

  This is indeed a wonderful update and you have every reason to be excited, happy, and greatful for such a good friend. You must have made one heck of an impression on him previously and been a good friend to him also. His open acceptance of you as you are now is an added bonus girl. Congratulations.

I apologize for my behavior the other night. My head hasn't been in a good place for several days now. This is why I could not share your joy that evening. Things still aren't right. I'm trying not to hurt those I care about and you are one of those. I am sorry.

Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

[cluck1992]

OMG that is so wonderful! So happy for you! [emoji3590][emoji3590]

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Chelsea

I am just catching up and I read the agony and the ectasy. So sorry to read about the unfortunate events of Oct 31st but that surely is overridden by your latest story. Wesley must be a true friend to help you in so many ways - acceptance, support, discussion and financial.

It is so uplifting to see you are so much happier. I see you will now be able to increase business significantly and regain funds for Laser and Voice Therapy.

I am sure as your business grows, your confidence will grow also.

Sending Love to you.

Pamela  xx

[JudiBlueEyes]

Chelsea this is wonderful news.  Your friend Wesley is a true friend.  Wow!!!  Now make the best of it all, as we all know you can and will.  As you see your kindness is being paid back.  Go Girl!

[KathyLauren]

Chelsea, I am happy that you have a friend like Wesley in your life!  What a lovely story!

[Donica]

Wow Chelsea! That's great news. Wesley is a wonderful friend indeed. I had no idea you are a fellow machinist. I've been a CNC programmer for over 40 years. I'm so glad you will now be able run your own shop full time.

Congratulations!
Donica.

[Nicole70]

Hi Chelsea,

Wow what a great friend, that is wonderful news, good luck with your business.

Nicole

[Chelsea]

I want to thank all of you for your sweet comments. Now I am issuing a "Vomit Warning" for my body picture below. I am not responsible for any of you loosing your lunch on your keyboards or phones. Danielle recommended that I post these just to let everyone see my progress. All of these pictures have been took at month 8.

This is the color version of my avatar.


This is my 8th month side by side I made to show my face progress. Again my apologies for my boy picture. Almost every single picture of me before, I look like the world is ending.


Now this I am really embarrassed about. This is what a 118 pound 5'9" trans woman looks like. I lost a little shape when I lost the weight. I know I got a stupid look on my face. lol  This is what I mean by looking half boy half girl. My hands and arms are still very guy looking. Oh and no I do not go out looking like this. It was only to show my body shape. lol I have a long way to go to pass I know.



Hugs,
           Chelsea