Heyas,
Birthday isn't for a couple of weeks. I don't have any plans currently, but generally go out with some family for dinner. As I am loathe to pay homage to getting closer to death and the inexorable deterioration of my body, I generally don't personally celebrate it too much, but time with family and a being treated to a nice meal is always appreciated.
Yeah, has it really been two weeks since I updated!? Sheesh, where does the time go! More of that "getting older", feh! So, not much has gone on life-wise in the last two weeks. Just immersed in work.
Actually, now that I think about it, I did have a good day with my son last weekend. He is really into WWII history and we went to the local gun show where he got to see some vintage rifles. He was so excited at being there that he could hardly contain himself. We haven't historically had the best relationship due to some significant parenting conflicts between me and his mother and the fact that he was a difficult child to begin with. He isn't currently living with me and with him being a teenager, he isn't really interested in spending time with mom and "dad" so it was a nice day. Also, he wants to go camping, so hopefully in a week or so we can go do that together.
I have gained a few pounds. Kinda annoying, but not a HUGE deal at this point. What is something that I am more worried about is WHY. Well, obviously I have been eating too much...I have been freakin' VORACIOUS the last couple of weeks and am craving food even when my stomach is absolutely FULL and willpower that has been a given for the last 10 months has all but evaporated. I am not even eating junk food, just WAAAY too much (what I would consider) healthy food. I didn't work so hard losing over 100 pounds to just gain it back, so I need to wrap my head around this. My therapist said, estrogen....
On the topic of estrogen, as of Monday (1 month), still not really anything to report. No real changes in body or emotion/feelings. I kinda thought that by now I would feel something different, but nope...nada. Now, as of last night, and seemingly overnight, I have noticed my skin is a little bit softer. It wasn't the day before when I shaved my legs, but it was last night...go figure.
I still struggle with defining the exact nature of being trans and transitioning. There are so many considerations that I know are going on "under the hood" in my subconscious that are affecting me without even realizing it. I think about the coming physical changes and am both excited and ambivalent. I am wanting to live as a woman, but don't want to come out to the rest of my family and work. I mean, I do, but I don't...some of you can probably relate. Being out in public seems like a farce. No matter how many people at the two support groups I go to tell me I look good, I can't in my head figure how anyone doesn't see me and instantly see a freak. Suffice to say, I am not up to being out in public in general, but it is definitely easier when out with other trans people.
Since I don't have extreme dysphoria about my body, sometimes I wonder if I am really trans and if I could just not transition. When I think about that though, I always pretty quickly dismiss that thought and then I second guess my dismissing it. I wind up just running in circles in my head about the whole thing. In the mean time, I just keep taking my meds and hope it all works itself out.
Back to the topic of getting older. Going on that hiking trip a few weeks ago has really reminded me how much I enjoy it and I want to plan a more ambitious trip somewhere where there are better views to be had. Of course, that will require more travel and more expense since in Louisiana, I am not anywhere close to real mountains. Maybe something in the late spring/early summer. I just need to rope a few compatriots into it and get to planning!
ANYWAY, thanks for reading...Hugz!
Julie
