A real experience.

[AutumnGurl81]

So my wife and I are still living together. I'm still in love her and that will probably never go away, just subside to a certain degree.  We have two young children together, and really we are set on coparenting to make sure they are taken care of between the two of us. Well, when I first came out to my wife she was very upset and said it was like mourning the death of her husband, which i do understand, even though it REALLY hurt to hear. In December we were intimate for the last time. She's had her ups and downs and it's been really really hard for us both. The plan is for me to be out by summer.

Last night I found out (starting with long time gut feeling based on intuition) that since January she's been hooking up with guys on a dating app while I am at home with the kids. To make matters worse we decided to take another child in for foster care, but she is 18 now and living us while she attends college. At the time we brought her in, I had recently come out go my wife.

So I asked her while we were in a public place yesterday when she was planning on telling me about whatever guy  she was hiding (knowing she wouldn't lash out in a public place). She knew I know her well enough and gave in, but didn't want to tell me anything else. Later she told me about how she needed a physical encounter with a "man" my concern wasn't so much details as it was who these people were and what her attachment was, with regards to my kids safety. She said they're all one night stands and that she doesn't love me and isn't attracted to me anymore because she knows who I really am. To a certain extent I understood what she was going through and just had to deal with circumstances, but on the other hand I felt like everything inside of me died. Like the women I have loved for 15 years just died right in front of me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But essentially the best thing/person/experiences I've ever had in life went away, and all because of who I am. We've cried so much and even through this morning, but her love for me as her husband is gone, and my wife who let me love her doesn't exist anymore. All in all, I feel like I've died and now I'm left in this shell of a body to observe everyone else. Essentially every nightmare I've had about my life just became reality. It made me feel like it doesn't even matter who I am.

[Transfused]

So my wife and I are still living together. I'm still in love her and that will probably never go away, just subside to a certain degree.  We have two young children together, and really we are set on coparenting to make sure they are taken care of between the two of us. Well, when I first came out to my wife she was very upset and said it was like mourning the death of her husband, which i do understand, even though it REALLY hurt to hear. In December we were intimate for the last time. She's had her ups and downs and it's been really really hard for us both. The plan is for me to be out by summer.

Last night I found out (starting with long time gut feeling based on intuition) that since January she's been hooking up with guys on a dating app while I am at home with the kids. To make matters worse we decided to take another child in for foster care, but she is 18 now and living us while she attends college. At the time we brought her in, I had recently come out go my wife.

So I asked her while we were in a public place yesterday when she was planning on telling me about whatever guy  she was hiding (knowing she wouldn't lash out in a public place). She knew I know her well enough and gave in, but didn't want to tell me anything else. Later she told me about how she needed a physical encounter with a "man" my concern wasn't so much details as it was who these people were and what her attachment was, with regards to my kids safety. She said they're all one night stands and that she doesn't love me and isn't attracted to me anymore because she knows who I really am. To a certain extent I understood what she was going through and just had to deal with circumstances, but on the other hand I felt like everything inside of me died. Like the women I have loved for 15 years just died right in front of me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But essentially the best thing/person/experiences I've ever had in life went away, and all because of who I am. We've cried so much and even through this morning, but her love for me as her husband is gone, and my wife who let me love her doesn't exist anymore. All in all, I feel like I've died and now I'm left in this shell of a body to observe everyone else. Essentially every nightmare I've had about my life just became reality. It made me feel like it doesn't even matter who I am.

Honestly, it's as hard for her as it is for you.
She signed up for a man, is hetero, gets a woman and needs physical affection too. Needing affection is a human need.

She expressed her feelings : it's all dried up, the feelings are not there anymore.
I assume you want to proceed with your transition too.

These two things are not compatible with each other.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Maybe divorcing is best? Staying friends and keeping a good contact for the kids?

On hormones your pheromones change, your appearence,...
A straight wife didn't sign up for that when she married you.

It's rough now but it is better this way.

Both of you have had an honest and clear talk and you can use what has been said as a guideline to move on.

You have kids, both of you need to think about them too. Keeping a good contact is important for their well being too.

You can't provide the foster child a stable environment at the moment.
Communicate that to the foster agency.
It's important that she has a stable place to stay at too.
She probably went through enough herself already and can't take the extra stress either.

If you leave things this way you will create a time bomb and the longer you wait, the more damage when it explodes.

Your wife wants to continue without you and you want to continue being your true self.
The only option there is here is to amicably divorce.

You could meet a trans lesbian or a cis lesbian post-transition and start all over with someone who wants the real you, not the shell that you had to be for all these years.

This shall end too, it's only a little rough now.

Make sure to see a good gender therapist and couples therapy is also appropriate here. A divorce is rough by itself, let alone when gender dysphoria is in the game too.

Good luck and keep your head high.
Think about the good things that await you as your true self! :-)

[Allison S]

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.. it's sad when marriages for so long are affected by transitioning. Something I know you can't help or change sadly... the empty shell of you. I think that's the person you have to let go of inside of yourself. Emptiness is feeling nothing and there's really no lower than that... I think there is a glimpse of hope somewhere ahead for you

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[kaitylynn]

So, 20 years ago I was in a similar situation.  My "wife" noted that I was no longer chasing after her and wanted that.  She had no real idea why I was becoming the what she was seeing, but the shift was obvious.  Eventually, everythign fell apart and I ended up single raising two kids.  She had started to move on through encounters with other people and I felt like I was left holding the check.  Devastated, heartbroken...but not entirely surprised, I picked up and carried on.  My kids needed their parent and she was not going to be in that role alongside me.

It went like that for a few years, the feelings of being alone and abandoned in a house with two kids...like watching everyone else be happy while I was miserable.  Somewhere along that path, I started to feel things seep in...not exactly sure what, but not "bad" feelings, not "good" feelings...really, just feelings that I was ok.  I started to meet other parents and people and strengthened ties within my trans community, such as it was at that time.  It was like a flash when it hit, a distinct revelation that I was ok and I was allowed to be happy and I was actually in a much better place than I had pictured.

I started HRT, really dove into my friendships and raised my kids with everything that I could.  It took a few years, but the event I felt I would not be able to survive was not only survived, but also had opened doors to a better life than I could have imagined!

All roses and rainbows?  Hell to the NO!  I have still suffered some downers...but they were not the show stoppers that I thought they would be and my ability to bounce back was definitely capable and present.

So, I look to you and I can say I hear a lot of what you are saying.  I believe I experienced a lot of what you are going through right now.  Through that, I hope I am able to light off a seedling of hope for you that you are not in a fixed point.  You will make it through and it will not always be like it is this present second.  <3

[Ellement_of_Freedom]

Honestly, it's as hard for her as it is for you.
She signed up for a man, is hetero, gets a woman and needs physical affection too. Needing affection is a human need.

She expressed her feelings : it's all dried up, the feelings are not there anymore.
I assume you want to proceed with your transition too.

These two things are not compatible with each other.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[AutumnGurl81]

Honestly, it's as hard for her as it is for you.
She signed up for a man, is hetero, gets a woman and needs physical affection too. Needing affection is a human need.

She expressed her feelings : it's all dried up, the feelings are not there anymore.
I assume you want to proceed with your transition too.

These two things are not compatible with each other.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Maybe divorcing is best? Staying friends and keeping a good contact for the kids?

On hormones your pheromones change, your appearence,...
A straight wife didn't sign up for that when she married you.

It's rough now but it is better this way.

Both of you have had an honest and clear talk and you can use what has been said as a guideline to move on.

You have kids, both of you need to think about them too. Keeping a good contact is important for their well being too.

You can't provide the foster child a stable environment at the moment.
Communicate that to the foster agency.
It's important that she has a stable place to stay at too.
She probably went through enough herself already and can't take the extra stress either.

If you leave things this way you will create a time bomb and the longer you wait, the more damage when it explodes.

Your wife wants to continue without you and you want to continue being your true self.
The only option there is here is to amicably divorce.

You could meet a trans lesbian or a cis lesbian post-transition and start all over with someone who wants the real you, not the shell that you had to be for all these years.

This shall end too, it's only a little rough now.

Make sure to see a good gender therapist and couples therapy is also appropriate here. A divorce is rough by itself, let alone when gender dysphoria is in the game too.

Good luck and keep your head high.
Think about the good things that await you as your true self! :-)

Thank you for taking the time to write such a well-read response, and you are totally right on most counts. We are taking every measure to properly cope with the loss of cohesion in our family. Everything has been and is perfectly amicable and will continue to be. And believe me, I understand her suffering and where it comes from--in a sense that we share similar feelings and experiences, which has been the absolute hardest part. When stuff like this happens, I don't lash out, I try to work through it with her so we're not leaving unresolved baggage behind. But emotions are running high, and this is my place of solitude when such things happen. I know that her doing what she did was more of a coping mechanism than anything else, but it hit me so much harder and sooner than I'd ever thought it would. Like I said, we had been intimate only two months ago, and it was still extremely passionate. It's not just that she slept with other men, its the reason why; because she was in so much pain emotionally and needed something she no longer wants from me.

As for our foster child, we love her and she will stay as long as she needs to. She is no longer in the system since she legally an adult, and old enough to make her own decisions. Thankfully we are both level headed enough that we are not creating a toxic environment for any of the children. Our main focus has been and will be moving forward to ensure their well-being and safety. We both came from broken homes and have made it a point that we never want our children to experience things between two households the way that we did.

Everyday is different, and while her romantic feelings for me are dried up, I will always love her dearly. She was the woman of my dreams, mother of my children, and my best friend. Ill take good friends and co-parents if thats all I can get, and I've been through enough relationships to know that feelings can subside, but this is something new.

I am doing my best to keep my head high, and be happy that I will one day soon be my true self.

Things like this just make me question my sanity and what I'm doing. Normal I'm sure, but this is by far, the hardest thing I've ever done.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.. it's sad when marriages for so long are affected by transitioning. Something I know you can't help or change sadly... the empty shell of you. I think that's the person you have to let go of inside of yourself. Emptiness is feeling nothing and there's really no lower than that... I think there is a glimpse of hope somewhere ahead for you

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Thank you I'm hoping.

So, 20 years ago I was in a similar situation.  My "wife" noted that I was no longer chasing after her and wanted that.  She had no real idea why I was becoming the what she was seeing, but the shift was obvious.  Eventually, everythign fell apart and I ended up single raising two kids.  She had started to move on through encounters with other people and I felt like I was left holding the check.  Devastated, heartbroken...but not entirely surprised, I picked up and carried on.  My kids needed their parent and she was not going to be in that role alongside me.

It went like that for a few years, the feelings of being alone and abandoned in a house with two kids...like watching everyone else be happy while I was miserable.  Somewhere along that path, I started to feel things seep in...not exactly sure what, but not "bad" feelings, not "good" feelings...really, just feelings that I was ok.  I started to meet other parents and people and strengthened ties within my trans community, such as it was at that time.  It was like a flash when it hit, a distinct revelation that I was ok and I was allowed to be happy and I was actually in a much better place than I had pictured.

I started HRT, really dove into my friendships and raised my kids with everything that I could.  It took a few years, but the event I felt I would not be able to survive was not only survived, but also had opened doors to a better life than I could have imagined!

All roses and rainbows?  Hell to the NO!  I have still suffered some downers...but they were not the show stoppers that I thought they would be and my ability to bounce back was definitely capable and present.

So, I look to you and I can say I hear a lot of what you are saying.  I believe I experienced a lot of what you are going through right now.  Through that, I hope I am able to light off a seedling of hope for you that you are not in a fixed point.  You will make it through and it will not always be like it is this present second.  <3

Thank you. It was nice to read your story and see that you were able to turn things around for yourself. It seems that time can slow or speed up depending on how great, or terrible our lives our. Definitely trying to keep my eyes forward, three steps ahead, goals.

[AutumnGurl81]

I have been struggling badly since this happened--I've had a complete loss of my sense of self, so-much-so that I've stopped taking my hormones as of yesterday. Idk what to do. I barely feel like a person at all, I find myself obsessing over everything I've lost because of who I want to be. Its like I'm knees down in a battlefield grasping my wife's limp body, crying, saying "please come back, I love you," and i can't stop. All the while my children are staring at me, covered in soot and tears. And in the distance, I see them all with someone else. My whole life, I've been a very resilient person, and I've been through quite a bit, but this takes the cake, I feel damned. The impact of breaking her has in turn broke me, all because of me. Ironic to find myself with nothing besides a human shell and a complete loss of everything i truly love.

[CarlyMcx]

One thing we trans folk do while closeted is devote our lives to caring for others as a way of diverting ourselves from the dysphoria, and avoiding dealing with the question of who we really are.

Often, the act of beginning transition is the very first time we have ever done anything purely for ourselves.

And for those of us who are married, we often build our male identity on our relationship with our wives.

Unfortunately this means that if the marriage breaks down early in transition, you end up exactly where you are.  You haven't transitioned far enough to figure out who you really are, and at the same time your security blanket of a former identity has fallen apart because it was based on a relationship that is failing.

If you want to see the woman you should be in love with, look in the mirror.  Nobody else is putting you first, so you should do it.  Take care of yourself.  The rest will sort itself out.

[Cassi]

One thing we trans folk do while closeted is devote our lives to caring for others as a way of diverting ourselves from the dysphoria, and avoiding dealing with the question of who we really are.

Often, the act of beginning transition is the very first time we have ever done anything purely for ourselves.

And for those of us who are married, we often build our male identity on our relationship with our wives.

Unfortunately this means that if the marriage breaks down early in transition, you end up exactly where you are.  You haven't transitioned far enough to figure out who you really are, and at the same time your security blanket of a former identity has fallen apart because it was based on a relationship that is failing.

If you want to see the woman you should be in love with, look in the mirror.  Nobody else is putting you first, so you should do it.  Take care of yourself.  The rest will sort itself out.

Very, very, very well put!

[SadieBlake]

Autumn, try to get back on your hrt, sliding back into male mode probably isn't going to help.

I'm curious, did you know that December was the last time for sex? Or is that determined by not being inclined to consensual non-monogamy?

I would challenge some of the things said so far. Now to be clear, I haven't been hetero-normative in like 3 decades and one of my sincere regrets was marrying someone who talked a good game about being PC around LGB issues and yet behaved frankly homophobic in private (we never got to the gender questions, things fell out before I consciously understood I was trans).

Still if you're nominally monogamous then the words "in sickness and in health ... until death do us part" come to mind. I would hazard that your wife sees this as serial monogamy, that's how mine was when she cheated on me.

Anyhow I'm living the reality that heterosexual people can become at least hetero flexible and certainly enjoy a fulfilling sex life so long as the transitioning partner remains pre-op and fulfilling lesbian sexuality post-op. For me that's simply depended on knowing my partner well enough to keep her pleased and having been transfeminine in my presentation in this relationship from day one, my partner could not blame me for surprising her with wanting to transition.

And there are definitely couples who adjust to a transition and find a place for love and sexuality to both work. Usually easier if the transition doesn't involve GCS but ultimately either you love this person or you don't or you do but are blinded by cissexist assumptions about who they are and then live can be overwritten by prejudice.

[AutumnGurl81]

One thing we trans folk do while closeted is devote our lives to caring for others as a way of diverting ourselves from the dysphoria, and avoiding dealing with the question of who we really are.

Often, the act of beginning transition is the very first time we have ever done anything purely for ourselves.

And for those of us who are married, we often build our male identity on our relationship with our wives.

Unfortunately this means that if the marriage breaks down early in transition, you end up exactly where you are.  You haven't transitioned far enough to figure out who you really are, and at the same time your security blanket of a former identity has fallen apart because it was based on a relationship that is failing.

If you want to see the woman you should be in love with, look in the mirror.  Nobody else is putting you first, so you should do it.  Take care of yourself.  The rest will sort itself out.

This is very interesting--and well said, although for me I feel more like her relationship with me was built on my male identity. Simply put, I'm just in-love with her and don't want to be with any other women, which puts me in a really hard place. I feel caught in the middle of myself, and while I will live, and continue my life without her (if/when it officially happens) I will feel extreme sadness from that. There are a lot of options I have to weigh for myself, but you make a compelling argument with "Take care of yourself." I'm off of hormones for two weeks now, and I am not feeling good about it. I can already feel how unpleasant two weeks of feeling dysphoria is, but at the same time, I keep thinking that I would be feeling this way if we were not together as well. BUT then I think, at least I would be me. I'm almost glad that I stopped HRT, only because I feel like it solidified everything I've felt about myself.

HRT and transition is what I want, but at the very very least, I would also like a good relationship with my wife, err..ex? The problem is overcoming the fact that I will the rest of my life watching her and my kids do things or go places without me, and most likely with someone new. I don't like that at all, and I really do love her, yet here I am struggling to make a decision as the clock is ticking away.

We're starting couples therapy next week, hopefully it takes whatever we will be in the right direction. I was one week shy of two months HRT when I stopped, and holy hell, I had undergone some very noticable changes. I guess thats promising for when I start again, for the last time. As of now, two weeks seems to have brought back 12 lbs and man smell...

Thanks for your words of wisdom.