Needed to tell someone. I looked so good to myself

[lexxy]

Hi all, first post, feel free to move if this is the wrong place for this.

I'm pre-everything. Out to my wife and a few friends [MTF]. She's not ok with it so I'm in a holding pattern.

I don't own any women's clothes and my wife's don't fit so I rarely get to see myself dressed up pretty.

But today I found out my sister and I are basically the same size everything and I got to try on her dresses and heels, had a little dress-up party.

Apart from my face and lack of breasts... hot damn I looked good. It felt so nice to wear something I felt good in and appreciate my own beauty. I often get down about how I could never pass without HRT and FFS, but from the waist down I thought I looked fine!

Just wanted to share a little victory. I'll cherish it for a long while because who knows when I'll get the chance to see myself like that again.

[Sno]

Hi Lexxy,

Welcome to Susan's, you'll find folks here from all over the transgender spectrum, come on in and say Hi in the introductions forum.

A mod will be along shortly, they will leave an introductory pack of links and reading, but do dive in, we are a friendly bunch - see you around on the boards

Welcome

Rowan

[Laurie]

  Hi  Lexxy,

  I'm Laurie, I see that you are new here. So please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around.  Perhaps I can even get you tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better. I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.
   I was borrowing female clothes from a fairly early age having grown up with 5 sisters. There was quite a few clothes to borrow. Of course I tried keeping it secret. I'm sorry to read your wife isn't accepting. Perhaps some day it will change. Don't give up hope. I used to use Holidays to pick up a few gifts for the ladies in my life. which ladies? Myself, sisters, wife, et cetera it works pretty good one for them and one for me. lol Not that I am full time I can just shop for myself.
  I am glad you found us and hope we can help you with what you want from our little community.

Hugs,
   Laurie
 
Laurie
Global Moderator
Laurie@susans.org

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[lexxy]

Hi Lexxy,

Welcome to Susan's, you'll find folks here from all over the transgender spectrum, come on in and say Hi in the introductions forum.

Looks like this was moved to introductions already so I'll just say hi here.

Thanks for the welcome Sno!

I hope you'll understand if I'm unwilling to introduce myself fully for the time being, but a bit about myself if you are interested.

From a young age I wanted to be one of the girls. I often dressed up, tucked, played with dolls, etc. But I was told that I was a boy and that being a girl was wrong. For years I've repressed feminine feelings and become increasingly agitated at little things.

Over time I repressed and forgot so much that it felt like a dream. A few months ago I was scrolling through Instagram and liking all the photos of girls dressed up when it struck me, I wasn't lusting... I was envious. My memories came flooding back and in an instant I understood myself for the first time in forever.

I hid my feelings for a few months but after sensing change my wife asked me what was going on. Without much prodding I told her that I felt like I was a woman born in a man's body... probably a bit ham-fisted way of putting it... I still don't know how to say it delicately. She wasn't too excited and tears ensued for both of us for many days.

Right now we don't talk much about it but are able to make little jokes now and again about it to lighten the mood. We've told a few friends so she and I can have some support around us.

But that's where we are. If it were up to me, I'd transition right away and tell the world. But for her benefit we're not doing anything at the moment.

...but back to that dress!! Wow I looked good! My legs are a bit muscular but very lean and look great in heels and a dress. I would have posted a picture, but am still a bit shy and rather paranoid at this point.

[lexxy]

I was borrowing female clothes from a fairly early age having grown up with 5 sisters. There was quite a few clothes to borrow. Of course I tried keeping it secret.

Hehe, I was prancing around in tutu's until I was a teen, but after a while my mom gave me the serious talk and informed me it wasn't cute anymore. 💁

[Roll]

Hi Lexxy!

I had a serious bout of repression myself, it's a strange thing to think what our brains can really do. Makes me want to question reality a bit more. Somehow I went years suppressing my childhood feelings, actively suppressing thoughts as they happened as if they were never there, all the while confused because it didn't actually make the underlying feelings go away and so I'm just sitting around wondering exactly why I was so drawn to the trans community among other things. 12 year old me could have said what was happening in two seconds("You want to be a girl, duh!"), 25 year old me was completely in the dark.

Some of the stuff that has come back to me is pure face palming obvious, heh.

[V M]

Hi Lexxy 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[lexxy]

Hi Lexxy!

I had a serious bout of repression myself, it's a strange thing to think what our brains can really do. Makes me want to question reality a bit more. Somehow I went years suppressing my childhood feelings, actively suppressing thoughts as they happened as if they were never there, all the while confused because it didn't actually make the underlying feelings go away and so I'm just sitting around wondering exactly why I was so drawn to the trans community among other things. 12 year old me could have said what was happening in two seconds("You want to be a girl, duh!"), 25 year old me was completely in the dark.

Some of the stuff that has come back to me is pure face palming obvious, heh.

Thats interesting because for a while (and to an extent still) I was taken aback a bit by the trans community, or perhaps rather the culture of aggressive representation of it by some. But forgive me, this is all still so fresh.
The young me didn't know that my feelings were "wrong", but I think the tutu incident mentioned above was the last time I blatantly acted like a girl in public.

Though another other time just after that was an interesting encounter (not the last but particularly noteworthy): Overalls were in at the time, but I couldn't find a pair in the boys/mens section that fit and looked good. I was shopping with my mom and reluctantly she suggested that we look in the girls section because they might have other sizes. I was about 14 at the time so she asked if I was ok with that. I had no problem and we eventually found a pair that was androgynous.
Some time later, I was at a girlfriends house wearing a shirt over them and my friend started whispering to my sister about me. She later admitted it looked like I had a bra on because of the overall straps under my shirt. I think she expected me to be embarrassed but I had more of a "so?..." response. Haha.

[lexxy]

Hi Lexxy 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

🤗 Thanks V M! I appreciate you all being so kind and inviting. It's nice seeing names I already recognize from browsing.

[Roll]

Thats interesting because for a while (and to an extent still) I was taken aback a bit by the trans community, or perhaps rather the culture of aggressive representation of it by some. But forgive me, this is all still so fresh.
The young me didn't know that my feelings were "wrong", but I think the tutu incident mentioned above was the last time I blatantly acted like a girl in public.

Oh trust me, I was taken aback by a number of things as well. Certain extremely vocal parts of the community such as with the more radical activist types definitely sent me scurrying deeper in the closet. I remember one particular time I saw someone refer to someone else as "cis scum" among other things in a particularly hateful rant, and it just made my stomach churn and I had a thought that could be summed up with "I want nothing to do with that". That's definitely not what this site is about though, as was evident from the first time I found my way here, which is why I found my comfort here and not else where. It took me a while to learn that by and large, the majority of people in the community just want to be themselves, live peacefully, and help others along the way. Funny enough, just like me. It's always unfortunate that it is so easy for the vocal minority to drawn out everyone else.

My draw was more of an individual thing, when I would read stories or see youtube videos with girls who would talk about the guys who abused them as fetish objects, worrying about never finding love, or facing so much adversity in their lives to be themselves. I saw those things and I thought to myself (in my repression) "I really want to be able to meet a trans girl like that and just try to make them happy, they deserve to be happy". Essentially, I mistook pure empathy for sympathy, not recognizing I was drawn to that idea (and reading those stories and watching those videos in the first place) because it was a glimpse behind the curtain of my own self. If that makes any sense.

[Denise]

Looks like this was moved to introductions already so I'll just say hi here.

Thanks for the welcome Sno!

I hope you'll understand if I'm unwilling to introduce myself fully for the time being, but a bit about myself if you are interested.

From a young age I wanted to be one of the girls. I often dressed up, tucked, played with dolls, etc. But I was told that I was a boy and that being a girl was wrong. For years I've repressed feminine feelings and become increasingly agitated at little things.

Over time I repressed and forgot so much that it felt like a dream. A few months ago I was scrolling through Instagram and liking all the photos of girls dressed up when it struck me, I wasn't lusting... I was envious. My memories came flooding back and in an instant I understood myself for the first time in forever.

I hid my feelings for a few months but after sensing change my wife asked me what was going on. Without much prodding I told her that I felt like I was a woman born in a man's body... probably a bit ham-fisted way of putting it... I still don't know how to say it delicately. She wasn't too excited and tears ensued for both of us for many days.

Right now we don't talk much about it but are able to make little jokes now and again about it to lighten the mood. We've told a few friends so she and I can have some support around us.

But that's where we are. If it were up to me, I'd transition right away and tell the world. But for her benefit we're not doing anything at the moment.

...but back to that dress!! Wow I looked good! My legs are a bit muscular but very lean and look great in heels and a dress. I would have posted a picture, but am still a bit shy and rather paranoid at this point.

Lexxy,

Please remember, you have been struggling with this for years (decades!?!) Your wife has been struggling for, days?

Give her time.  Please consider getting to therapy individually (both of you) and couples therapy.  I feel strongly that that one step will spell out the rest of your lives.  Don't skimp in it.  Find a therapist (s) who specializes in gender issues if possible.

Good luck and you always have friends and support here.

Denise


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[Shambles]

Hi, im.in the same holding pattern as you atm, its not been very long since i told her and hope shell see what this truly is sooner or later.... hopefully sooner. How long ago did you tell your wife? Do you see this improving at some point?

My outlook has gone realistic where i can be Jo or i can be with my wife but not both.... its kinda depressing bit on the plus side welcome to the family xx

[lexxy]

Lexxy,

Please remember, you have been struggling with this for years (decades!?!) Your wife has been struggling for, days?

Give her time.  Please consider getting to therapy individually (both of you) and couples therapy.  I feel strongly that that one step will spell out the rest of your lives.  Don't skimp in it.  Find a therapist (s) who specializes in gender issues if possible.

Good luck and you always have friends and support here.

Denise

Thanks Denise, it's true, as much as I would like her to just be "Oh, ok, sounds great"! I am fully aware that she feels like she married the man me and it feels like I've taken that away to some extent.

We're both quite open to counseling but have a few limiting factors with out situation that make it difficult at the moment. So it's definitely not out of the question, just very difficult to figure out how.

[lexxy]

Hi, im.in the same holding pattern as you atm, its not been very long since i told her and hope shell see what this truly is sooner or later.... hopefully sooner. How long ago did you tell your wife? Do you see this improving at some point?

My outlook has gone realistic where i can be Jo or i can be with my wife but not both.... its kinda depressing bit on the plus side welcome to the family xx

I told her less than a month ago now, so it's still quite fresh. I don't see a way to be both right now and am not comfortable hiding it from her. But I also don't see it going away so ultimately we will A: go our separate ways, B: I'll just bury it, C: we'll come to a compromise over time, D: She has a change of heart and we live happily ever after.

We both love each other very much and neither of us has the desire to separate so we'll definitely be working on it for a long while.

[lexxy]

This didn't seem worth a new thread so thought I'd just update here.

I've been buying most of my clothes online for a while now not wanting to go out shopping and get weird looks. I've been wanting some new leggings but didn't want to pull the trigger on a pair online because the fit is super important.

The other day I was out shopping with some girlfriends and they were trying things on. We happened across a stand with inexpensive plain long leggings and I was eyeing them but told my friends I didn't want to get them because I wasn't sure they'd fit.

They said, "Just try them on" Like, duh. This was an all women's shop so I got really nervous. But the store wasn't too busy so I grabbed a pair and and went back. It was so liberating to just freely try on clothes and DGAF. My first time ever in public. On the way out an attendant asked if it all went ok, I just said they were a bit too big and she offered to take them from me. I grabbed a smaller size and bought them and walked out.

Just a fun little victory story. Still too nervous to try on shoes in public

[CincySixx]

Welcome to the forum!
I had my first breaking of the ice since 10 years ago when i froze over,
and this was after just getting warm.
Keep it melted!
Work hard!
Chase your dreams!

<3
Cincy