lost on coming out at work

[meatwagon]

I work at Walmart.  the more customers ask what my gender is, and the more fed up i get with being constantly misgendered by co-workers, the more I fret about coming out to the managers and/or hr.  it's going to be unavoidable, but I have no idea what to say or how to approach it at all.  I get a mental block when I try to come up with the words.  any advice or experiences would help.

[Dena]

Past experience on the site showed that Walmart is very trans friendly. Several of our member work for Walmart and a few are even in management positions. If you have any difficulty with HR or management, check the company policy.

[Northern Star Girl]

I work at Walmart.  the more customers ask what my gender is, and the more fed up i get with being constantly misgendered by co-workers, the more I fret about coming out to the managers and/or hr.  it's going to be unavoidable, but I have no idea what to say or how to approach it at all.  I get a mental block when I try to come up with the words.  any advice or experiences would help.

@ meatwagon:
During my early transition I was mis-gendered often and people that I knew or had just met frequently screwed up calling me by the wrong pronouns.  Frankly they were probably more nervous than I and were nervous about how to address me in my preferred gender.  As you get further into your HRT and your body continues to change this will happen less often.
Best thing is to shrug it off, smile, and confidently continue on with self confidence.  Now if you are getting rude remarks from co-workers then as Dena suggested go directly to the HR and/or management people.  They will resolve the issue quickly.
Hang in there.
Aspiringperson

[Elis]

I had a job two years ago; wasn't out at the time so it was really badly affecting me mentally that I was constantly misgendered. So I finally 'hit the wall' and thought nothing can be as bad as my current situation. So I typed an email to my manager simply saying 'I'm a trans man;  I plan on transitioning to male, I plan on changing my name to Elis and would like masculine pronouns used for me at work'. I just tried to make it sound casual and not a big deal. And huge surprise the sky didn't cave in.  In my experience I've found people who aren't family are the most accepting. 

[Gertrude]

Past experience on the site showed that Walmart is very trans friendly. Several of our member work for Walmart and a few are even in management positions. If you have any difficulty with HR or management, check the company policy.

Not always. There were a couple suits against them. Same with amazon. Good on paper for the HRC CEI, but it depends on where you live and work. Local culture sometimes trumps corporate policy and it blows my mind that companies back the antediluvian local management in spite of policy. Just settle and fix it. http://www.newnownext.com/walmart-transgender-lawsuit/08/2017/


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[meatwagon]

yeah, I've heard some very bad things about the Walmart near where my friend lives.  trans is seemingly unheard of where I'm at so I have no idea what I can expect.  they have stuff in their company policy about it, but ultimately it's up to the individual managers.  I don't know for sure it didn't have anything to do with this when I got laid off from my last job, it was a different Walmart, same city.  but either way, it's the wording and how to actually bring it up that I'm lost on.  I literally can't figure out what to say or how to start.  I'm worried about losing my job a little bit, but this is happening either way.

[Donna]

I started dressing fem for work last Monday but have been underdressing for a year. I have been wearind nail polish and lipstick everyday for several months. I finally removed all my hair from my nose down and I'm looking at wigs this week until my hair grows. Thinking about ear pierce as well. This will require me coming out fully at work. No one has said anything yet.
Tomorrow I'm going to meet with the board president of the complex I look after ( building operator) and finish stepping out of the closet.

[meatwagon]

I started dressing fem for work last Monday but have been underdressing for a year. I have been wearind nail polish and lipstick everyday for several months. I finally removed all my hair from my nose down and I'm looking at wigs this week until my hair grows. Thinking about ear pierce as well. This will require me coming out fully at work. No one has said anything yet.
Tomorrow I'm going to meet with the board president of the complex I look after ( building operator) and finish stepping out of the closet.

hope everything goes well for you.  I was hoping that with my name, clothing, and everything else, someone would at least ask or, idk, something.. but that doesn't seem to be a thing people do no matter how apparent the signs are.  even with the obvious changes since starting t (small so far, but enough to be audible/visible to people who see me every day), no one is going to mention anything unless I say it first.  I suspect that at least one co-worker is digging in, using more gendered language toward me lately, because of this.. but maybe I'm just paranoid.  it is definitely a thing people do, though.

[Donna]

Meatwagon
For the most part i dont think people know how to even start that conversation, as my counselor said if people know anything about LGBTQ and more do now they know enough to not ask and wait for the person to start the conversation. My daughter has not asked me any questions and i have not asked her although we knew about her bottom surgery. The details of that are private to her until she changes that. The one and only thing I noticed was a person i know put his hand on my bra strap when he had never gotten that close before. No questions and no change in his attitude or our conversations. Ill see how it changes after i get my wig this week.

[Pao]

Two things:

1. I am mostly at the same place you are. I have told my supervisor, but not co workers. I actually expect most of the management to be cool. My co workers are a different matter. When I brought it up to my manager I had come into his office to ask if he thought I was being "too sensitive" about the guys constantly calling me: lady, ma'am, girl, sweet, cute, adorable. I mentioned being trans and that I couldn't tell if it was overboard or not. He didn't blink.

2. I think that at least here in the states, even in the south east where I am, it isn't as noticeable the ftm's are trans. We can. Ind our chest, not wear make up, not shave, have some face hair, even look quite masculine and the best you get is being clocked as a butch lesbian. That allows us a lot in the way of not having to come out just to wear our clothes,  but forces our hand if you e want to be recognized.

[meatwagon]

yeah, i'm kind of in an awkward spot where my coworkers don't even question it, but most customers i interact with either gender me correctly (until "corrected" by my damn coworkers, that is) or can't tell what i am.  so while i'm not passing 100% yet, i feel like the total acceptance of me as "female" by coworkers comes more from them having been told that's what i was/hearing each other call me "she" and having it reinforced.  that, and me having been here for over a year before even starting T; a lot of the people i work with now are different (different shifts, people leaving and new people getting hired over time..) but the ones who were here longer pretty much guarantee that no one i work with will ever even stop to consider if i'm anything other than a "girl".  so bringing this up with management or HR is an absolute necessity if i want anything to change, but i don't know how to do that at all.  i don't even know who i'm supposed to go to: the HR staff, the managers/support managers that oversee my shift, or the store manager?  i have no idea.  and even if i just picked someone to talk to, i have no words for this conversation at all.  none.  completely blank.  my managers aren't usually unreasonable, but they can be hard to communicate with and don't always follow through with things.  if you don't know exactly what you want to say before you say it, and exactly what you want to come out of bringing it up, then it's probably not going to go well.  if i were to find the words to bring it up with my manager and she asked me what i wanted her to do about this, i'd probably just end up frozen on the spot.  i need my managers and coworkers to be aware of my gender if i want any chance of any of them respecting it and seeing me correctly.  but i have no idea how to achieve that; i don't have the means to call a meeting and tell everybody at once.  i also wouldn't be comfortable doing that even if i could.  i'm just a replaceable maintenance person in a >-bleeped-<ty retail job; my feelings aren't exactly high priority around here... so if the managers don't understand my need and agree to work with me and my coworkers to achieve ...something... then i'm just out of luck.

[Donna]

So this has been a very different week with coming out fully at work. Everyone with no exceptions so far has been 100% positive and backing me up. I also have been letting more and more friends know as well, today something very surprising happened. I was talking with a very old friend who also just took over managing our building. I started to tell her all about Donna and low and behold she already knew. Seems she was talking to the lawyers office we deal with and they had heard from someone I interacted with a week ago that I had transitioned. They relayed this info to my friend so she could give me the heads up that someone else is outing me. Well it has to come out but I would rather have controlled it myself. The board president where I work got so pissed that someone would do that that she has filed a complaint with human rights about my personal info being released by an unauthorized person. Damn she is a super supporter and ally.
All is well and I'm not going to sweat the small stuff. The big one is coming in a week when I go out of town to visit my mom for the first time as Donna. That one I'm nervous about.

[Bari Jo]

I'm kind of in the same spot, only I went to HR first.  Then, I told my boss.  Both HR and my boss are supporting me and using my name with me.  The rest of my coworkers do not know for sure.  I say for sure because I dress femininely, have a purse, have polished nails and wear makeup.  I'm pretty sure people know, they are just waiting for me to say something.  It's surprising the amount of tolerance I feel.  I notice people treat me with smiles now too.  I love it:)

I can't guarantee anyone else's workplace will be like this, but I do feel welcome.  Perhaps coming out at work isn't so bad.

Bari Jo

[meatwagon]

So this has been a very different week with coming out fully at work. Everyone with no exceptions so far has been 100% positive and backing me up. I also have been letting more and more friends know as well, today something very surprising happened. I was talking with a very old friend who also just took over managing our building. I started to tell her all about Donna and low and behold she already knew. Seems she was talking to the lawyers office we deal with and they had heard from someone I interacted with a week ago that I had transitioned. They relayed this info to my friend so she could give me the heads up that someone else is outing me. Well it has to come out but I would rather have controlled it myself. The board president where I work got so pissed that someone would do that that she has filed a complaint with human rights about my personal info being released by an unauthorized person. Damn she is a super supporter and ally.
All is well and I'm not going to sweat the small stuff. The big one is coming in a week when I go out of town to visit my mom for the first time as Donna. That one I'm nervous about.

aside from being outed behind your back, that sounds pretty amazing.  i'm glad it's going well for you and you've got supportive people on your side!  good luck with mom.

I'm kind of in the same spot, only I went to HR first.  Then, I told my boss.  Both HR and my boss are supporting me and using my name with me.  The rest of my coworkers do not know for sure.  I say for sure because I dress femininely, have a purse, have polished nails and wear makeup.  I'm pretty sure people know, they are just waiting for me to say something.  It's surprising the amount of tolerance I feel.  I notice people treat me with smiles now too.  I love it:)

I can't guarantee anyone else's workplace will be like this, but I do feel welcome.  Perhaps coming out at work isn't so bad.

Bari Jo

it's good to hear about positive experiences with work; makes it a little less scary.  i think maybe i should start with HR, too, since they might know better how to share information with managers and coworkers...

[Pao]

I liked how http://www.gendersanity.com/plan.html talked about bringing in materials. This could give you a good jumping off point with HR. It could also help if your rep isn't knowledgeable already.

I also think googling stories about how other folx have done it may help give you words to work with.

Have you settled on a gender? Do you know what pronouns you want used? Have you changed your name legally? If it were me I would set up a meeting with HR and just state those things and ask if they can help you with a way to come out to coworkers/management.