Feeling depressed around trans women who are prettier. Is that normal?

[Transfused]

I'm going to have to find a prettier girl than me and check it out. 

Haha
Healthy self-confidence you have, Devlyn

[FinallyMichelle]

Starting so late in life I never expected much. I am happy with my transition, I know that I can't compete so why bother stressing myself over it. There was a brief time when I was envious of young women, cis or trans it didn't matter, I wanted it so bad when I was young. That didn't feel good though if that makes sense. Just made me feel really small, so I let it go.

I don't know how much I would like to be a very beautiful woman. The ones I have seen since transitioning don't seem very friendly or happy and have not been accepting of me at all. Seems like a miserable existence. I have to be honest, I never paid any attention at all to beautiful women before I transitioned. The pretty girls were not nice to me at all until I was 15 or 16, okay I was a grubby kid I accept that, and then they acted like I was the worst sort of person on the planet because I didn't want to do anything with them. And why be so cool to me now? Anyway, I don't get it so I let them do their thing and I do mine, they are beyond me and if they want to feel superior I get it and really don't care.

As for trans women, not really. When I first started the super passable girls made me so dysphoric, not pretty but passable. There was one here that was probably a smidge above average, round face she was cute, but she was completely, 100%, no lie passable. Wow, it crushed me every time she posted. I don't know many trans women in person and... I don't know, doesn't it make you feel icky picking out trans women? Like if I see one out and about anymore I don't grade them and I try not to ever even try to tell if they are trans. It seems so uncharitable, so cruel. Two separate incidents caused this change. A trans girl that was ringing me up at a department store, she was not pretty but she was tiny I mean like shorter and thinner than any of my friends tiny. I was grading her as I got closer to the front of the line, voice, mannerisms, posture, everything, thinking I would love to give her tips. Then it sank in how truly sweet she was to everyone, even the lady that was irate when she got to the front of the line was smiling when she left. Her slightly crooked teeth were made beautiful by her genuine smile. After I left I realized that she could teach me more than I could ever teach her. Then one time I behind a guy in line and I was trying to figure out if he was trans. Kinda of a girly bandanna and sun glasses on his head, broad shoulders, narrow waist and butt. Other than the stuff on his head he looked like any other road worker, then he turned to leave and it was my best friend's niece. She stopped and we chatted and talked some more outside before we left. Both times I felt so horrible, how could I be that way? Who the hell am I to pass judgement in any way?

Anyway, with trans or cis women, why set myself up for failure? I have no desire to feel superior to anyone and I have no desire to feel inferior so I don't compare myself to anyone, for no other reason than it makes my life easier.

[flytrap]

Hi Transfused, I am wondering if you have worked through this in therapy? This seems to be a thread that runs though alot of your posts so I am wondering if there might not be something deeper going on.

[Sinead]

Yes, totally. It's really hard not only seeing a pretty trans girl, but seeing a trans girl further in their transition than you. It can literally ruin my day, seeing cis-gendered females is hard enough

[PurpleWolf]

Is that you in that pic?
Bcos the first time I saw you I thought you look very beautiful!!! I thought you are one of those 'strikingly beautiful' trans women then!

I wouldn't have ever guessed you might feel this way.
1) Beauty comes from the inside. People generally are attracted to confident people who love themselves for who they are.
2) Self-esteem comes from the inside too. Maybe being depressed around other women tells more about your own insecurities than their actual beauty. What if you are more beautiful than them - but just don't know it? Different people find different kind of people beautiful & attractive. Maybe other people might find you more attractive than some other girl?
3) Being attractive/beautiful physically isn't the only quality that matters. Someone might look very beautiful on the outside but be a boring person inside. Being attractive is about other characteristics than just physical perfection in itself. A happy, confident person who treats others with respect is always viewed favorably by others! Though the outside matters I'm not gonna deny that - also inner beauty definitely shows outside!!! If you are an unpleasant person it really doesn't matter how 'beautiful' you are on conventional standards. Sometimes someone 'not so beautiful' can be 100x more attractive as a whole!

Remember that you don't need to compete with other people in order to be happy & feel good about yourself! No one can choose their looks after all. You can acknowledge some people look hot or beautiful in your eyes - but still see yourself as equally beautiful and valuable. After all - you are not them - you are YOU. This is your life - if you knew those people a little better you wouldn't want to be them anyway, so why feel envious?

Oftentimes having a bad self-esteem or feeling you're inferior to others stems from your past experiences. Have people in the past told you you are not good enough? Or that you are ugly? People that put other people down have issues of their own. Their words don't reflect the reality. You are beautiful as yourself whatever you happen to look like!

Oftentimes people are their own worst judge. Usually other people are unable to see the flaws you see in yourself.

[AnnMarie2017]

The point is that few of us are extremes, even though society has made us feel like freaks.  We aren't.  We are just normal people, and we look like normal people.  And all of us are beautiful.

There was a time when I would have considered this superficial psychobabble. Now, I know it isn't.

I know that there was a time when I used to look at trans women differently. I can remember thinking that way. But I don't anymore. (That's a weird feeling: to know and remember having seen and felt things that you don't see and feel anymore.)

I see such beauty in so many non-passing trans women. I was surprised to realize, recently, that the need for that extra step of thought is falling away -- you know, seeing someone and, instead of thinking either, "cis woman" or "not a cis woman; but a woman anyway," now, seeing a trans woman and most of the time just thinking, "woman."

I haven't tried to formulate this beauty verbally, yet. I'm still just experiencing it. It's so cool, though. I know how self-conscious many girls are; I wish I could convey to them that there is no need, that they are lovely as they are. Of course, we all want to look pretty by conventional standards, and I am in awe of those girls who do. But real beauty is deeper than that, and there is plenty of it here.

[krobinson103]

There was a time when I would have considered this superficial psychobabble. Now, I know it isn't.

I know that there was a time when I used to look at trans women differently. I can remember thinking that way. But I don't anymore. (That's a weird feeling: to know and remember having seen and felt things that you don't see and feel anymore.)

I see such beauty in so many non-passing trans women. I was surprised to realize, recently, that the need for that extra step of thought is falling away -- you know, seeing someone and, instead of thinking either, "cis woman" or "not a cis woman; but a woman anyway," now, seeing a trans woman and most of the time just thinking, "woman."

I haven't tried to formulate this beauty verbally, yet. I'm still just experiencing it. It's so cool, though. I know how self-conscious many girls are; I wish I could convey to them that there is no need, that they are lovely as they are. Of course, we all want to look pretty by conventional standards, and I am in awe of those girls who do. But real beauty is deeper than that, and there is plenty of it here.

Its strange. I can exercise, diet, work really hard to get levels right, deal with side effects of HRT and achieve a feminine body. I can spend hours with a laser frying off all the facial hair and get a clear face. But, I still feel that something is lacking. Things that can't be easily changed (big bones, slight brow ridge, height, hand and feet size) all jump out at me. I know I pass most of the time if I shave and keep my voice in the right range. But deep inside I still don't really feel it. Hopefully I can one day. People used to call me handsome. I HATED that. Even if it was true who wanted to handsome. I hope someday people can say I'm beautiful...

[AnnMarie2017]

Its strange. I can exercise, diet, work really hard to get levels right, deal with side effects of HRT and achieve a feminine body. I can spend hours with a laser frying off all the facial hair and get a clear face. But, I still feel that something is lacking. Things that can't be easily changed (big bones, slight brow ridge, height, hand and feet size) all jump out at me. I know I pass most of the time if I shave and keep my voice in the right range. But deep inside I still don't really feel it. Hopefully I can one day. People used to call me handsome. I HATED that. Even if it was true who wanted to handsome. I hope someday people can say I'm beautiful...

I'm on my way out the door to work, but I didn't want to wait until morning to respond.

I think we will probably always have days like that, even when we get to the point where we usually don't think about it. Our raw material is different from what many girls have to work with. That's life. We're still women.

When I see a non-passing trans woman who is happy, I find beauty in her joy. The fact that she doesn't pass actually makes her more beautiful, because of what she has overcome. I don't have time to say more, now. Take a look at some of the avatars of non-passing trans women here and read their posts for awhile. Once you see the beauty in them, it may make it easier to see it in yourself. 

[Allison S]

Its strange. I can exercise, diet, work really hard to get levels right, deal with side effects of HRT and achieve a feminine body. I can spend hours with a laser frying off all the facial hair and get a clear face. But, I still feel that something is lacking. Things that can't be easily changed (big bones, slight brow ridge, height, hand and feet size) all jump out at me. I know I pass most of the time if I shave and keep my voice in the right range. But deep inside I still don't really feel it. Hopefully I can one day. People used to call me handsome. I HATED that. Even if it was true who wanted to handsome. I hope someday people can say I'm beautiful...

Being scared of the slippery slope was a major reason why I delayed transitioning for so long. Now I see why. Thinking aboug putting on making up "feminize" myself makes me feel dysphoric.

I think I just need to get out there more and not care. Maybe you too? I was thinking of going to a gay bar nearby but I don't feel like putting on makeup with my face swollen from laser.

I'm just gonna keep waiting it out and holding on. I owe it to myself to give this a try (longer on hrt) even if it's the last thing I do

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[krobinson103]

Being scared of the slippery slope was a major reason why I delayed transitioning for so long. Now I see why. Thinking aboug putting on making up "feminize" myself makes me feel dysphoric.

I think I just need to get out there more and not care. Maybe you too? I was thinking of going to a gay bar nearby but I don't feel like putting on makeup with my face swollen from laser.

I'm just gonna keep waiting it out and holding on. I owe it to myself to give this a try (longer on hrt) even if it's the last thing I do

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

I don't care out there. They can take a giant leap into a large hole if they have an issue. 95% of people gender me right, its just when you see those young women (yes no time machines I know) and think that should have been me if I had been braver.

The laser yes... it hurts a few days after a really intense session but the pain will be worth it!

[Allison S]

I don't care out there. They can take a giant leap into a large hole if they have an issue. 95% of people gender me right, its just when you see those young women (yes no time machines I know) and think that should have been me if I had been braver.

The laser yes... it hurts a few days after a really intense session but the pain will be worth it!

I know but from your photos I'd say you're a young woman yourself. I know it's the same for me. I know I'm young I just haven't convinced myself I'm a woman quite yet because my hair isn't the length I want it to be.

I'm being hard on myself. I don't get gendered anymore but that's still a step up from getting "sir, man, dude, bro". I'm not getting dolled up with makeup just to go out to the store or for a walk. Yeah it sucks if people misgender me but I guess I expect it.

My roommate still sometimes says dude or man referring to me. It's weird he says it when I'm wearing tight skinny jeans but not leggings. It's also kinda weird I'm noticing/picking up on this lol. My other roommate never genders me and I thought he was kind flirty. But I think it was all in my head anyway.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[warlockmaker]

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I remember friends that liked women that were contrary to my likes. Some, only like fat women, others older women, more hirsute women etc.Each of us have our unique view of beauty despite the media trying to have us conform.

My views on beauty has been molded by the media and my ego. Fortunately, for many older transitioners, HRT is a fountain of youth. Many of us look 20 years younger as females. We can do alot to improve our looks in each of our minds eye. We can eat healthy, exrecise, keep out of direct sun light and not overeat, this gives us nicer skin and a fit slim body.  I sponsor TGs for beauty pagents and know many cis beauty queens. They are my friends and we discuss beauty tips. I admire their looksbit have no jealousy. Not many cis or tg females look great without make up.

I am lucky in Bangkok that cosmetic procedures are 1/4 the cost in the west. There is a price for locals and a price for tourists. For example, the much touted Dr Suporn only does tourists, his pricing is outrageous for us locals,  for srs, ffs and ba.There are clinics that are well regarded for facial implants, ba, body implants at such reasonable costs. For tourist there is the additional cost of travel and accommodations and the language barrier. They are there to meet the media hype on beauty.

You look great in your profile pic. Maybe one day you can visit Bangkok for procedures.

[krobinson103]

I know but from your photos I'd say you're a young woman yourself. I know it's the same for me. I know I'm young I just haven't convinced myself I'm a woman quite yet because my hair isn't the length I want it to be.

I'm being hard on myself. I don't get gendered anymore but that's still a step up from getting "sir, man, dude, bro". I'm not getting dolled up with makeup just to go out to the store or for a walk. Yeah it sucks if people misgender me but I guess I expect it.

My roommate still sometimes says dude or man referring to me. It's weird he says it when I'm wearing tight skinny jeans but not leggings. It's also kinda weird I'm noticing/picking up on this lol. My other roommate never genders me and I thought he was kind flirty. But I think it was all in my head anyway.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

You flatter me. I'm 43. E is just nice to me. I often wonder how much nicer it might have been if I'd started 15 years earlier...

[natalie.ashlyne]

I have this with both cis and trans females I see. I think they all look more feminine prettier than me or do more feminine things no matter how hard I try. I have gotten complements but some times I think it is out of pity. I hate it I wish I could have FFS  SRS now. My Appointment with my Doctor to discuss FFS was pushed to April 12 I want my chin nose and forehead done

[Allison S]

I have this with both cis and trans females I see. I think they all look more feminine prettier than me or do more feminine things no matter how hard I try. I have gotten complements but some times I think it is out of pity. I hate it I wish I could have FFS  SRS now. My Appointment with my Doctor to discuss FFS was pushed to April 12 I want my chin nose and forehead done

I need the same surgeries! It's hard waiting because I know my nose and forehead need work regardless of hrt. Still I feel like I should wait... I'm so conflicted.



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[kitchentablepotpourri]

I need the same surgeries! It's hard waiting because I know my nose and forehead need work regardless of hrt. Still I feel like I should wait... I'm so conflicted.



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Yeah, the nose and forehead was a biggy for me, it was so awesome waking up from surgery knowing that mask was finally removed from my face!

[Allison S]

Yeah, the nose and forehead was a biggy for me, it was so awesome waking up from surgery knowing that mask was finally removed from my face!

Looks like your surgery went great!! Who did your surgery? If you don't mind me asking

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk