Do you pass or not?

[amberwaves]

I pass. It's been a good long while since I have been misgendered.

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[Michelle_P]

I was misgendered last night, the first in months, at a Unitarian Universalist church event by someone who met me through that church, and has never known the old person.  Even though an accident, it tells me that there are still folks clinging to the concept at some level that I am not 'real', and pretending to be female.

This does not surprise me.  It disappoints me, of course, but with a group this large, it is to be expected.

Misgendering is a microaggression for trans folks, and has an outsized impact compared to intent.  (I wouldn't be writing this if I could just shrug it off, "get over it", "get used to it", or similar such sage advice I get from the cisgender folks I know.  They don't have an experiential reference for something like gender incongruity, and do not understand the impact this can have.)

In last night's misgendering the person handled this correctly, a simple "Oops, sorry.  She said..."   Thank goodness some of the training effort is sticking.  I haven't had anyone I know try to defend misgendering in over a year.

[Northern Star Girl]

I was misgendered last night, the first in months, at a Unitarian Universalist church event by someone who met me through that church, and has never known the old person.  Even though an accident, it tells me that there are still folks clinging to the concept at some level that I am not 'real', and pretending to be female.

This does not surprise me.  It disappoints me, of course, but with a group this large, it is to be expected.

Misgendering is a microaggression for trans folks, and has an outsized impact compared to intent.  (I wouldn't be writing this if I could just shrug it off, "get over it", "get used to it", or similar such sage advice I get from the cisgender folks I know.  They don't have an experiential reference for something like gender incongruity, and do not understand the impact this can have.)

In last night's misgendering the person handled this correctly, a simple "Oops, sorry.  She said..."   Thank goodness some of the training effort is sticking.  I haven't had anyone I know try to defend misgendering in over a year.

@ Michelle P:  So very sorry to hear about that harrowing and terrible experience... hopefully there were no other "ear" in on the conversation.  The only advice worth hearing is to don't let this dissuade you from presenting yourself as female.  Get back on the horse and do it again with your head held high.  You look terrific in your avatar picture.
Hugs to you.
Aspiringperson

[Dani]

I have been on HRT for 3 years now.

Today, I was walking on the beach and I stopped to face into the wind and brush my hair out of my face. I heard some cheering and hooting and I looked up to see about a dozen men staring at me.

I would call that a pass. Don't you think so?

[Northern Star Girl]

I have been on HRT for 3 years now.

Today, I was walking on the beach and I stopped to face into the wind and brush my hair out of my face. I heard some cheering and hooting and I looked up to see about a dozen men staring at me.

I would call that a pass. Don't you think so?

@ Dani:  Wow-whee, that had to be a terrifically gratifying experience for you.  I have had some of those confidence boosting moments also... it feels so goooood !
Thanks for the good report.
Aspiringperson

[natalie.ashlyne]

I really do not  think that I pass at work yes as I work with confused people but in the real world I feel like I do not pass based on looks lone. I have some mannerisms down perfectly 

[krobinson103]

As long as people didn't  know me before I started transition yes. If I'm with family it gets harder because the kids call me Dad, but generally as long as I don't get lazy with voice or shaving I'm good.

[Northern Star Girl]

I really do not  think that I pass at work yes as I work with confused people but in the real world I feel like I do not pass based on looks lone. I have some mannerisms down perfectly

@ natalie.ashlyn:  I do not agree with you about you not passing... after seeing your pictures that you have posted I think you look terrific and look like a beautiful woman...  of course looking at pictures and seeing you in real life are two different things and of course keep working on mannerisms and female movements and gestures... as you said, it's just as important to passing as appearance and dress.  Keep on getting out there as a proud and confident woman.
Hugs to you,
Aspiringperson

[natalie.ashlyne]

@ natalie.ashlyn:  I do not agree with you about you not passing... after seeing your pictures that you have posted I think you look terrific and look like a beautiful woman...  of course looking at pictures and seeing you in real life are two different things and of course keep working on mannerisms and female movements and gestures... as you said, it's just as important to passing as appearance and dress.  Keep on getting out there as a proud and confident woman.
Hugs to you,
Aspiringperson

Aww  Thank you I needed that.   I just doubt myself a lot with make up and yes alot of it i can looked like I do in the pics and I really love the way I look in pics and (there is no filters on them except the funny cute obvious ones) but when look in a mirror that is when I feel like crap  I don't know if it is my mind or mirrors that seem to hate me.

[Sydney_NYC]

Despite being over 6'5" and 250lbs I do pass, even for cis. I was shocked that a trans woman I met at an event thought I was cis. I think my lack of an Adam's apple, feminine voice and mannerisms go a long way than just beside looks.

[Mendi]

I don't know, I just don't. I've lost the comprehension, that how do I actually look? All I see is a male from mirror.

But then again, I've never even once been misgendered (but then again we don't use he/she kind of words in Finnish) and people seem to treat me as a woman.

But I get very paranoid and think, that everybody are just being nice...and "playing along" with me...

I wish I one day would see myself from the mirror and know how I look.

[Margaret_B]

I pass except for making phone calls. Love ordering a Pizza and going to pick it up and get the yes Ma'am your husband phoned this in for you etc... Or calling a home owner to set an appointment for an appraisal and then showing up and them asking where is the man I spoke to on the phone?! I just tell them he is my assistant and makes my appointments. I keep debating VFS, just have not heard a lot of wonderful results. I do practice daily and see a speech therapist 1 to 4 times a month so will see...

[Northern Star Girl]

I pass except for making phone calls. Love ordering a Pizza and going to pick it up and get the yes Ma'am your husband phoned this in for you etc... Or calling a home owner to set an appointment for an appraisal and then showing up and them asking where is the man I spoke to on the phone?! I just tell them he is my assistant and makes my appointments. I keep debating VFS, just have not heard a lot of wonderful results. I do practice daily and see a speech therapist 1 to 4 times a month so will see...

@ Margaret_B:  your avatar picture is terrific and I see why you visually pass with no problem.  There are plenty of cis women that have a huskier voice... some are movie stars...
continue with you voice training but also continue going out there as a confident and self assured woman.
Hugs to you,
Aspiringperson

[Artesia]

yesno.  Depends on the person in question.  More often than not, I am gendered correctly.  Doesn't mean they didn't figure out I'm trans, but not being called the wrong gender was my goal, so passing enough for me.

[Margaret_B]

@ Margaret_B:  your avatar picture is terrific and I see why you visually pass with no problem.  There are plenty of cis women that have a huskier voice... some are movie stars...
continue with you voice training but also continue going out there as a confident and self assured woman.
Hugs to you,
Aspiringperson

Thank you for the kind words. That was me on 12/31/17 getting nails done for gcs. I am a bit thinner now, but feel fantastic! I will be having the second stage the labiaplacty on 04/30/18 right before turning 55. I use to tell my friends that "Phil" would be on to the next life by age 53... he went away on 12/07/2016 .

[AnnMarie2017]

I am frequently misgendered, but I try very hard to live for myself and not for other people.

That's kind of where I'm at. I don't pass; and being "sir'd" does annoy me. Several times, I have corrected the person who has done it. But I present as I do for myself, not for others.

Maybe I would feel differently if passing were a possibility. I think I may simply have come to terms with the fact that this is my reality, and adjusted my expectations accordingly. Too, I found that you don't have to look cis to be attractive. At this point, I don't care if people know I'm trans; I think that, if I did pass, I'd always be a little suspicious of others who might not accept me if they knew the truth. I wonder if not passing can actually be preferable, at least in some cases, for this reason.

There are some people who "knew me when," however, to whom I would dearly love to pass. Recognizing me from before and rejecting or scorning me because I transitioned would be very difficult for me emotionally.

[I Am Jess]

I think I pass pretty good.  My voice on the phone still gets me sir'ed but I just correct them and move on. I get gendered correctly when I'm out.  I started HRT exactly 3 years ago and have been full time since June of 2015.  At 6'2" tall and 195 lbs I am bigger than most people, especially when wearing heels, but that doesn't seem to matter.  Most people at work know I'm trans and they have all been good about gendering me correctly (it did take a while for them to get it right consistently because they knew the old me for over 25 years).  I'm very lucky to not have to worry much anymore about how people perceive me.  I recently spent the day with a couple of cis women and I had assumed they knew I was trans (they work for a doctor who does surgery on trans patients).  After my friend was finished with finished with her surgery I mentioned having gone through bottom surgery and they both looked shocked.  They had no idea I was trans so I guess that means I am passing pretty good.

[Jin]

When I was young, it was easy to pass for a girl. Even in my 20s and 30s it only took minimal effort to get fixed up.

Alas, the age bomb has hit me and I no longer pass.

But the advantage is that now I no longer care if I pass, I dress girly for ME, not for anyone else!

[Kylo]

Apparently I do.

[LaRell]

This is a really fascinating thing to me.  Because here I thought there was no way in hell I could ever have a chance at passing.  And I allowed that fear to control me for many years and allowed it to keep me from transitioning a long time ago.  Now, here I am, coming up on 8 months on HRT, and have reached a point where for the first time, when I put my wig and makeup on, I actually "feel" like a girl, and when I look in the mirror I "See" a girl.  And I have gone out in public a lot more lately in "girl mode" and get very very few funny looks now. Mostly people just glance at me like I am any other girl walking through the store, and they go back to what they were doing.  So I guess that means that from a distance anyway, I must be pretty well passing now.  Because in the past, everyone would look at me and whisper something to the person they are with.  So it has been an incredibly amazing experience for me to see this shift recently. 

  Over this past weekend, I dressed up all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and it was the most incredible feeling in the world to finally get to be myself!  My wife and I had lots of fun, going shopping together, and to a baby shower, and out to coffee with friends, out to a bar for beers with friends, and everywhere I went, I was treated very nice, and normal, and people just talked to me like normal even though I have a lower voice that does not sound feminine at all.  With the exception of one chinese restaurant.....I stopped in there to pick up a to go order, and when I went in, the lady called me "Sir".   Kind of knocked me back a bit after a couple days of not a single misgender incident.  But that's okay.  Many many more of those incidents in my future.  I can accept that.  ha ha

  I even went by myself to a thift store to look for some more clothes since I am at an extremely fun period of my transition right now, where I am finally starting to really see a lot of feminzation happening to my face, and therefore it is far easier for me to "Want" to dress as myself more, and I have been having tons of fun experimenting with new outfits.  It was so nice, to be able to walk around that thrift store just like any other girl there shopping.  I got zero funny looks, I found a new dress, and a cute skirt, and a couple cute shirts, and went and tried them all on, and then went up front and paid, and the cashier was friendly, and just acted as if she had no idea.  I know she must have because I actually talked to her, and once my voice comes out, it's all over. ha ha  But even if she did know, thank God for people like her who just go with it and treat us like normal.

  If a person were to tell me that I should not go out dressed like a girl until I am able to pass, I would get very upset at that person.  Because yes, many of us desire to "pass" because we identify as female, in every way, including wishing we were born cis females.  Don't get me wrong.  I love that I am trans for the amazing opportunity that it has allowed me to see the world in a different light.  I am thankful for the growth opportunities it has offered me, and I would never even remotely imply that someone who doesn't pass is somehow lesser.  But.........if I could have my wish, I would wish that I had been born a cis girl, and could now just live my life not having to worry about whether I pass or not, and what potential physical harm and emotional struggle that could bring.


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