Do you pass or not?

[Linde]

Oh yeah the token trans friend and getting outted is the worst.

It still ticks me off that my sister and my mom outted me to my sisters in laws. Why did they need to know? This is the same sister that had my little sister in the bridal party but excluded me. Next year for Christmas I am looking forward to looking better then her for the dinner party and church.

You are a little nasty and vicious one, aren't you.  But payback time feels great, I can tell you from experience!   

[Michelle_P]

Oh yeah the token trans friend and getting outted is the worst.

Ouch!  Yeah.

I had an acquaintance who invited me to lunch.  When I arrived there was another woman present, and I was introduced as "My transgender friend, Michelle."

Lovely.

Disclosure without my permission, and dropped into the category of transgender friend... how very special!  I walked out, and later sent an e-mail to detail why this was incredibly inappropriate, tone-deaf behavior.

[steph2.0]

Ouch!  Yeah.

I had an acquaintance who invited me to lunch.  When I arrived there was another woman present, and I was introduced as "My transgender friend, Michelle."

Lovely.

Disclosure without my permission, and dropped into the category of transgender friend... how very special!  I walked out, and later sent an e-mail to detail why this was incredibly inappropriate, tone-deaf behavior.

Well, bless her heart. [emoji849][emoji35]

[Anne Blake]

My life has been blessed to live in a mix of communities. Much of my community is from experienced queer groups. I love the dialogs across the alphabet mix, so much to learn from each other. Yet they are affirming and committed to living in community. For the most part, all are caring enough to not just out you without you permission. The only ones that do this sort of thing in my world are the cis allies that are new to the experience and require some sensitivity training. Painful but usually worth it.

Tia Anne

[debrahelen]

"Passing" is a tricky one because it means different things to different people.  When out and about I feel feminine and do my best to look as female as possible, but I know I have a "masculine" face that cannot be softened enough to pass as a genetic female. However, I pass in the sense that I feel and look feminine (or at least my best efforts at such) so I'm comfortable moving about in public.  This has taken years to achieve as I have always had concerns about being "read" in public and someone making a scene.  With maturity comes a "don't give a darn" attitude!  Once i move to the next level here I can post some photos to show the evolution of Debra

[Linde]

Was out to eat at a nice beach side restaurant tonight, to watch the sun set over the Gulf.  Both, the host and the waitress said ladies to us without hesitation, and served my foot with a excuse me  ma'm, to reach around me!

I think I passed tonight without any problem!

[Devlyn]

Was out to eat at a nice beach side restaurant tonight, to watch the sun set over the Gulf.  Both, the host and the waitress said ladies to us without hesitation, and served my foot with a excuse me  ma'm, to reach around me!

I think I passed tonight without any problem!

Donner party, your table is ready! 

[Maid Marion]

The sharp knives are out!

[Colleen_definitely]

Donner party, your table is ready! 

Cool time!

Eat until the guests are gone!

[Devlyn]

Cool time!

Eat until the guests are gone!

[BrianaJ]

And, have any of you ever experienced that person you thought was a true friend, only to realize you were their token trans friend to make them feel cool? I have. That's a kick in the head.

This!  I never thought about it till it happened to me.  At my last position, I became "friends" with two of my supervisors that reported to me.  I saw myself as an older mentor or coach to help them move towards manager positions.  We seemed to really all click.  I'd occasionally go out with my team after work to socialize and to seem "human".  On one particular occasion, it was just the 3 of us and two of their girlfriends joined us.  When the one introduced me, she said, "this is my transgender friend...and boss Briana."  One of her girlfriends does the "OMG this is the >-bleeped-< at work you're always talking about??."  Just like I wasn't there.  Then she turns to me and says, "sorry...I'm not sure what to call you guys."  Needless to say, I didn't hang around. 

And neither did the two that worked for me.  <wink>

[Linde]

Donner party, your table is ready! 

Yup!  Some of them were a little tough, but the knifes were pretty sharp, so it worked! 

[steph2.0]

Yup!  Some of them were a little tough, but the knifes were pretty sharp, so it worked! 

Oh, tough guy, eh? Well, a little heat'll soften you up good, see?


Stephanie

[Beverly Anne]

This!  I never thought about it till it happened to me.  At my last position, I became "friends" with two of my supervisors that reported to me.  I saw myself as an older mentor or coach to help them move towards manager positions.  We seemed to really all click.  I'd occasionally go out with my team after work to socialize and to seem "human".  On one particular occasion, it was just the 3 of us and two of their girlfriends joined us.  When the one introduced me, she said, "this is my transgender friend...and boss Briana."  One of her girlfriends does the "OMG this is the >-bleeped-< at work you're always talking about??."  Just like I wasn't there.  Then she turns to me and says, "sorry...I'm not sure what to call you guys."  Needless to say, I didn't hang around. 

And neither did the two that worked for me.  <wink>

Oh, wow! That was brutal. Worse than my experience even. People can be such idiots.

[Anne Blake]

This!  I never thought about it till it happened to me.  At my last position, I became "friends" with two of my supervisors that reported to me.  I saw myself as an older mentor or coach to help them move towards manager positions.  We seemed to really all click.  I'd occasionally go out with my team after work to socialize and to seem "human".  On one particular occasion, it was just the 3 of us and two of their girlfriends joined us.  When the one introduced me, she said, "this is my transgender friend...and boss Briana."  One of her girlfriends does the "OMG this is the >-bleeped-< at work you're always talking about??."  Just like I wasn't there.  Then she turns to me and says, "sorry...I'm not sure what to call you guys."  Needless to say, I didn't hang around. 

And neither did the two that worked for me.  <wink>

I am sorry that you had to go through this, I am sorry that we all must go through this! But the alternative is no better. We could harden  our hearts to protect ourselves from such insensitive fools but that would isolate our lives from so much of life that we seek. For me, at least, it would be another form of closet, one that would have too much bitterness.  I won't  hide from the fools but it makes me aware that I appreciate time with our queer community so much more than with many of the cis  world that should know better.

Tia Anne

[Linde]

but it makes me aware that I appreciate time with our queer community so much more than with many of the cis  world that should know better.

Tia Anne

you are lucky that you have access to such a community.  Many of us are "lone fighters" in a sea of homophobics (like I was informed yesterday that no urologist in SW Florida would do an orchiectomy for transgender reasons only), and have no groups we can hang out with.  I am lucky that my therapist has organized a group of trans people to meet at least once a month (today is a meeting, and I am looking forward to it), but one cannot call that hanging out with a group.

I am lucky, all my friends are cis, and everybody is really supporting me very well, and a close circle tries to understand what being trans means.

[Chloe]

. . . curious to hear your passing stories

Yes Not?

[ChrissyRyan]

you are lucky that you have access to such a community.  Many of us are "lone fighters" in a sea of homophobics (like I was informed yesterday that no urologist in SW Florida would do an orchiectomy for transgender reasons only), and have no groups we can hang out with.  I am lucky that my therapist has organized a group of trans people to meet at least once a month (today is a meeting, and I am looking forward to it), but one cannot call that hanging out with a group.

I am lucky, all my friends are cis, and everybody is really supporting me very well, and a close circle tries to understand what being trans means.

Linde,

By attending the transfeminine group today, you may meet people whom you may wish to socialize with on other days.  Good luck.

Chrissy

[debrahelen]

Does it really matter?

So, I just got back from working 15 days in Buenos Aires, and in those 15 days I was not misgendered one single time by ANY Argentinian. Not waiters, not hotel staff, not taxis, and not customers. Madam/she/her 100% of the time. Even in the bathrooms, other women were chatty and pleasant. The entire population was absolutely spectacular regarding my gender and treating me exactly like any other woman there.

I didn't think I passed that well, and so THAT is what made me wonder if I was actually passing or if the entire Argentine nation is positive and respectful to transgender people.

Actually, I still don't know which option explains my experience. But I am very much looking forward to going back in January, and knowing that I will have fewer issues there than I would if I traveled to Texas...

Kate

Hi Kate  - I've had the same experience in Buenos Aires when I travel there - the people across the board seem very respectful and understanding.  This attitude may come from an effort in recent years to overcome the "machismo" stigma and the fact that women's and LBGTQ rights have been a priority in recent years.  It's a very different environment here in Kentucky!!
Deb

[Linde]

Linde,

By attending the transfeminine group today, you may meet people whom you may wish to socialize with on other days.  Good luck.

Chrissy

We all live very far away from each other, and none of the members seem to be socializing wit each other.