Okay, the other night I experienced something crazy! I have experienced gender dysphoria for my entire life. But it has always been more on the mild side. Like I would look down, and see my penis, and it would affect me, and I would hate having it there, but for the most part, I would move on past it pretty easily. Or my bald head would cause me sadness, because I don't have the beautiful long hair I've always wanted as a girl. But it was not that difficult to deal with. I was surviving okay.
Well..........lately, I have started presenting as female a LOT more when going out and about, because I have finally reached a point in my transition, where I feel like I actually look female enough, to feel comfortable pulling it off. And for what I can't pull off, I make up for in increased confidence in general, and just no longer caring what other people think. So it has me pretty well covered now, to where I can comfortably go out dressed as female. But, something that happens along with this.........I see myself in the mirror constantly throughout the day. And if you are like me, and to the point where you actually legitimately "see" a female in the mirror looking back at you, this can be a very powerful thing. This is what really begins to solidify within yourself, that "Yes, that girl in the mirror is ME and I can do this!"
Okay........so.......when you get to that point where you for the first time are really truly feeling like not only are you female on the inside, but you are really truly starting to "feel" and "See" it on the outside as well......it opens up a whole new world of dysphoria on a level that I was not at all prepared for, and now I am feeling a need to see my gender therapist pronto! I mean it's bad!
The other night, I was laying in bed still riding this absolute high of getting to experience the freedom of finally getting to be myself, and dressing how I want to, not how others think I should. I had an itch on my head, so I reached up to scratch it, and to my absolute horror, felt my bald head. And I immediately burst into tears and a mini depression as the feel of my bald head reminded me that that beautiful longer hair I've gotten so used to wearing all day lately was not actually a part of my head. Then I put my arm back under the blanket, and my hand grazed my penis...............again.......burst into tears even harder this time, and was crying uncontrollably as feeling my penis again reminded me that I have the damn thing for one, but it came as a very sad reminder that I have to try so hard to be a girl, and didn't get to just be born that way.
I mean, just that tiny little grazing of my penis by my hand, was enough to really freak me out and make me super sad and emotional. I could not even touch it anymore for the rest of the night. Couldn't touch my head either. Or the few straggler whiskers on my face that the laser has not gotten rid of yet. I was laying there feeling like I was 100 percent girl in everyway, so you can imagine the utter shock and horror to reach down and feel a penis between my legs, and a bald head. It was the strangest thing for me, and made me realize that this journey is ever evolving, and there is no way to fully prepare a trans person for every little incident like that that they are going to experience.
Sure I knew what "gender dysphoria" was, but I had never ever experienced it to that kind of an absolute extreme. I know it's because I have been presenting as female so much more lately. So then the question becomes, so do I back off on presenting as female a bit until I deal with those feelings, or do I just accept that as part of the journey, and maybe even present as female more often. I've already been to the point for a while now, where I just want to 24 hours a day 7 days a week, because it just feels so right. And my wife has actually been the one to encourage it lately. She see's how much happier I am, so I think she allows that to help her to not worry so much about what other people are thinking. When I first started presenting as female, it made her super uncomfortable. That was 4 months ago, and it just bothered her a bit. She didn't want to walk near me and I could tell she was embarassed. But now.....she almost seems irritated if I DON'T put my girls clothes and wig on, because she's like "But that's who you are. Why would you not dress that way?" So that has been amazing. But right now, our only real hangup is our daughters school. I'm usually the one to go drop her off in the morning, but I have not come out to the school yet, or presented as female there yet. But once we get past that, I feel like it's going to be all open to every day. And my wife is the one that told me that she wants me to go "Full time" this summer, so that my the end of the Summer, when our daughter is ready to go back to school, she will have had a couple months of being around me and getting used to it. She already has started calling me "Mamma" about 50 percent of the time even when I am not looking like a girl, because her precious little 5 and a half year old head already gets it, and knows that "Daddy is really a girl on the inside". And when I need to take her to the bathroom out in public, I go to take her in the "Mens" restroom, and she says "Why are we going in there? We are both girls, we should be going in the girls bathroom". And I try to explain to her, "Well, other people don't know that. They think I am a boy since I look like a boy on the outside, and they expect me to use the boys bathroom." She usually says something like "Well that's stupid! You are a girl, and they should understand that and let you use the right bathroom!" It's amazing!!! So luckily as far as she goes, I'm pretty well golden. She just gets it, and compliments my skirts and things. But...showing up at her school suddenly as the opposite gender, could be a little funny. I've already been showing up there in girls shirts and jeans and painted fingernails and girly necklaces and things this whole time, but never with my hair on.
