Hello everyone,
I am late to this thread but wanted to respond because it is something I tortured myself about for many years.
When I was 13, in 1970, I was sent to a psychoanalyst by my parents, for reasons that were never explained. One day, he asked me, "Is there anything you want to talk about?". An innocent question, perhaps, but there was one subject that absolutely dominated my existence, and that was I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to leap out my chair and tell him my deepest, darkest secret, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
He doodled on his notepad, and I suffered in silence for 51 minutes. Then he said, "Well, our time is up." I was relieved to get out of there, but deeply disappointed that I didn't speak up.
Years later, after I started my transition at age 56 (a partial explanation of my screen name, if anyone was wondering), I related my story to a friend, and told her how much I lamented the fact I didn't say anything so many years ago. "I could have started hormones! I wouldn't have had to go through puberty as a male! I would have a woman's shape, and a woman's voice!".
She responded, "Are you crazy? Do you know what they would have done to you? They would have tried to cure you, that's what."
She was right. In 1970 transsexualism was a mental illness. I once exchanged e-mails with a woman on this site who is about my age. She was caught wearing her mother's lipstick when she was 12. She was sent to a mental institution for three years. She was forcibly drugged, given electroschock, and beaten and raped by the staff.
As much as I wish that I could have transitioned in my teens, it was a different world then. I believe there is a reason my transition finally happened so late in my life. Medical science and mental health treatment have advanced, social acceptance is much greater, and most importantly, I was finally strong enough mentally to make the tremendous leap.
I will never be a pretty young woman, but I did get a lifetime of male privilege as a consolation prize, which meant a good career and salary, without which I would not have the insurance coverage and financial resources I needed to transition.
Better to grow old as the woman I longed to be than the man I despised. You have to seize the opportunities life gives you. In 30 years, there will probably be lab-grown vaginas or penises, and the medical treatments will likely be more effective and rewarding than they are now. But those aren't options now, so I choose to be happy with what I have been able to do.
That's really all any of us can do, or endeavor to do - be happy with who we are.
With kindness,
Terri
