The battle within

[SashaHyde]

So I'm fairly self-aware and reading what y'all have gone through has really helped me.

I feel torn.
My comfy man-suit life (which I don't HATE but...) vs my potential true-self life.

What precipitated all this was shaving a pretty large beard. I realized I've never been happy with the person looking back.

As I've regrown some facial hair, a certain level of comfort has come back. The drive and desire to be my true self is still there very much but I guess its fear of change and comfort that binds me to my man-suit and that is quite strong. There's some things I'm not sure I can give up but when the gender bomb goes off, its not something you ignore. You cant put the genie back in the bottle lol.
I have no less desire to transition, I'm just getting anxiety from the pull back and forth.

Did you y'all give yourself conditions or negotiate or bargain with yourselves?
If this happens, THEN I can transition...

I guess its time to go back to my gender therapist, lol.

[ToriJo]

A gender therapist is an excellent idea.

As for negotiations, mine was, "You have to lose some weight - if you can't discipline yourself enough to lose weight, you can't possibly discipline you enough to transition!"  Fortunately, I did lose 45 pounds!  But looking back, it was a stupid negotiation - whether I lost the weight or not, what I'm doing is the right thing, and having started my transition in earnest, I can't believe I ever had any doubt!  Of course that's my experience, you ultimately have to make your own decisions.

[Northern Star Girl]

So I'm fairly self-aware and reading what y'all have gone through has really helped me.

I feel torn.
My comfy man-suit life (which I don't HATE but...) vs my potential true-self life.

What precipitated all this was shaving a pretty large beard. I realized I've never been happy with the person looking back.

As I've regrown some facial hair, a certain level of comfort has come back. The drive and desire to be my true self is still there very much but I guess its fear of change and comfort that binds me to my man-suit and that is quite strong. There's some things I'm not sure I can give up but when the gender bomb goes off, its not something you ignore. You cant put the genie back in the bottle lol.
I have no less desire to transition, I'm just getting anxiety from the pull back and forth.

Did you y'all give yourself conditions or negotiate or bargain with yourselves?
If this happens, THEN I can transition...

I guess its time to go back to my gender therapist, lol.

@ SashaHyde:  Reading your post reminded me of a few of the things that I pondered before I transitioned.
You are correct, once the gender bomb goes off you cant put the genie back in the bottle... or at least it is very difficult and if you do somehow put the genie back in the bottle you might be miserable.

The anxiety you feel is something that a many of us had gone through.  There is so much to consider: Job, Family, Relationships, Future plans, expense of transitioning... wondering how the HRT is going to work in my body? How well will I be able to pass? and so many other thoughts and fears flooding the mind.

   Susan's is a friendly and safe place to explore all of these things and to learn about the difficulties, trials, tribulations and successes of others... it does really help to see how others have been dealing with many of the issues you wrote about.  It is this give and take that makes this place to good place to come and vent frustrations and rejoice when things are going well. 

Wishing you success with whatever you decide to do...
.....and please do indeed go see your Gender Therapist !!
Please keep us updated.
Hugs,
Aspiringperson

[Allison S]

It was gradual for me. First I put on makeup and my sister's sweater/dresses to see how it felt. Then I just stopped. Over a year and a half later I went full on with makeup, wig/hair, clothes. I went out and felt pretty good about myself. I hought I was crossdressing at the time. Then about another year I was dressing more and more and when I would get out of my clothes and makeup I would be so depressed. In "guy" mode, other people's comments about gender and identity really bothered me. It clicked for me that if I don't see myself as male, I don't want other people to either. So I had to do something about it and I am now.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Jailyn]

Okay this is up to decide. For me reading your story it says to me genderfluid or non-binary. With both scenarios you can transition but, you can comfortably go either masculine or feminine day to day. I have a friend in my group that fits this they sometimes come in feminine and other times masculine. Totally throws off my keeping track of pronouns for them. They prefer whatever so makes it easy with them. Again not to label you. What label you go by is your choice. You are not stuck to just the two genders. We are socialized so badly to believe these are the only ways to live but, it's not. Look at India or other far east cultures they recognize several genders. Open your mind to more possibilities and I think it could help you.

[Sonja]

So I'm fairly self-aware and reading what y'all have gone through has really helped me.

I feel torn.
My comfy man-suit life (which I don't HATE but...) vs my potential true-self life.

What precipitated all this was shaving a pretty large beard. I realized I've never been happy with the person looking back.

As I've regrown some facial hair, a certain level of comfort has come back. The drive and desire to be my true self is still there very much but I guess its fear of change and comfort that binds me to my man-suit and that is quite strong. There's some things I'm not sure I can give up but when the gender bomb goes off, its not something you ignore. You cant put the genie back in the bottle lol.
I have no less desire to transition, I'm just getting anxiety from the pull back and forth.

Did you y'all give yourself conditions or negotiate or bargain with yourselves?
If this happens, THEN I can transition...

I guess its time to go back to my gender therapist, lol.

Sasha -  I am in a similar place to you, I have charted - literally on  paper the course forward with pros/cons/cons that can be mitigated.   and so begins the battle as I argue and debate with myself over how successful I might be navigating my plan, and what will happen when the con's come into play. It almost feels like a game of chess where you have to read 10 plays ahead, I was never any good at chess, I'm more of an artist. My anxiety right now - how well have I calculated the cons and the 'cons that can be mitigated'?  and then, can I accept them.

Sonja.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Sasha

I have known all my life I am Transgender but buried and reburied due to potential obstacles.

I was forced to take action when as you say the gender bomb went off or the genie is out of the bottle. I continued to try to rebury but could not as it became so dominant. Therefore I sought therapy as you have already. Then my therapist and I agreed I should start HRT and then I should know whether further transition planning necessary - whether I benefit from HRT. Very early days but I am benefitting mentally and I await physical changes with great hope.

My suggestion would be to discuss potential HRT with your therapist. We all start HRT on low dose.

I wish you the best whatever you decide.

Pamela

[LizK]

That fateful day when you can't take it anymore...I think I have probably had several of those and as far as setting bargaining with myself goes...well almost daily for many years...I have known for many years and can remember as a teenager making "deals" with myself up until I finally went through with one when I was about 18 and sought my first professional help. That was such a disaster that whilst I still made the deals with myself it was many years before I would try again.

I hope you find you way through to where you want to be. 

Liz

[KathyLauren]

I didn't do any bargaining as such, but that seductive call of the comfortably familiar but dreary life is what kept me in denial for too many decades.  I can still hear that voice telling me that transition would be too difficult, that all my friends would disown me, that I'd be a laughingstock, and, ultimately, that dull familiarity was more important than my happiness.  I'm a smart girl; I should have been able to figure it all out much earlier.  But that siren voice kept telling me not to investigate.  All those lost years!

You are right, that genie isn't going back into the bottle.  I wish you well in figuring out your path forward.

[SashaHyde]

Thanks everyone. I'm pretty self aware through this and having y'all is helping a bunch. The way I explained things to my therapist is I believe we are both genders almost hermaphroditic before life but manifesting in the physical plain we are forced into one body. That body may not have been the best experession of our spirit. It's like putting an apple in a fitted round container as an anaolgy. If you put the apple in a larger square container it will work but the apple will get beat up. Then society reinforces that you should be in a square could container and you end up as apple sauce which I don't want. I'd prefer to be the apple.
I just got up so not sure if that makes sense lol.

In the end, I know my feminine side is dominant. I would love to transition. Gotta navigate it though which is distressing. Part of it is allowing that femininity out after suppression for so long and fearing it will get hurt. Courage is huge for transitioning, for that I admire you all and hopefully I will find my own.

Thank you all so much. It really would be much harder without this online community.

[AnnMarie2017]

I would love to transition. Gotta navigate it though which is distressing. Part of it is allowing that femininity out after suppression for so long and fearing it will get hurt. Courage is huge for transitioning ...

It occurs to me that it's really a matter of perspective. Think of something not gender-related, but that you would really love to have, or do, or accomplish. When that vision is strong in your mind and heart, you don't focus on the obstacles. You focus on the prize. The obstacles are just obstacles; the value of the prize makes them inconsequential.

You may blow a tire, you may bump into something as you go down the road. You may break down. But you'll keep going, because the prize is worth it.

Now, here's the good news: in reality, you're already there. In this case, the prize is inside you. You just have to unwrap the package and open the box. 

[SashaHyde]

D'awwwww that was super cute! I'm feeling squishy inside now

[Cassi]

This is a pretty good thread and the title awesome!

A day doesn't go by when I think what the hell am I doing?  Nothing's happening!  Is this just someone's cruel joke?

That passes pretty quickly and I have "situations" where I'm gendered as a woman, somewhat bald, but as a woman.  And this is only after two months of HRT.

Someone once said "Each journey begins with a small step" or something like that.  Well, in many ways I feel happier than I have ever felt, I'm free to listen, enjoy, sing and even dance.

While I was talking to my speech therapist the other day, I mentioned that all my life, even as a kid in scouts, I was "trained" to be rigid and take action when necessary.  Sometimes the thought of being vulnerable scares the crap out of me but then I think, it's my turn to enjoy life.

Make sense?

[SashaHyde]

He he. You reminded me of one of my favorite sayings "how do you eat an elephant?" One bite at a time

[Cassi]

Bake, broil, boil, or BBQ?

[SashaHyde]

LOL!

[pamelatransuk]

It occurs to me that it's really a matter of perspective. Think of something not gender-related, but that you would really love to have, or do, or accomplish. When that vision is strong in your mind and heart, you don't focus on the obstacles. You focus on the prize. The obstacles are just obstacles; the value of the prize makes them inconsequential.

Now, here's the good news: in reality, you're already there. In this case, the prize is inside you. You just have to unwrap the package and open the box. 

AnnMarie

You make two truly valid points which I will remember as they will give us all motivation and confidence.

Thanks Sasha for initiating a really interesting thread as Cassi says.

Pamela

[SashaHyde]

Yes I'm so happy I have found people that understand. I can't imagine not having this outlet; it would be SO much more confusing. I'll have to throw some bucks to the site at some point as a pay it forward to others that will utilize it in the future.

I've been having this dream to open a shelter specifucally for trans people. Full of services and separate rooms and stuff. I was studying social work a few years back and wanted to be involved with helping trans people then (another clue maybe, lol), so I keep envisioning a shelter specifically for trans people. Maybe one for adults and possible a section for underage children that have to get out of abusive homes. I'm not sure the legalities as I'm sure there are a boatload, but it's a dream. Unfortunately I'd only probably be in a position to do it if I won the lottery well a girl can dream.
Unfortunately in this current climate it might be a target for less than evolved people.

Anyhoo lives and kisses to you all.

[iamthatiam8]

It occurs to me that it's really a matter of perspective. Think of something not gender-related, but that you would really love to have, or do, or accomplish. When that vision is strong in your mind and heart, you don't focus on the obstacles. You focus on the prize. The obstacles are just obstacles; the value of the prize makes them inconsequential.

You may blow a tire, you may bump into something as you go down the road. You may break down. But you'll keep going, because the prize is worth it.

Now, here's the good news: in reality, you're already there. In this case, the prize is inside you. You just have to unwrap the package and open the box. 

i love what you said Ann it so true. Alot of us go through life trying to find ourselves only to go in full cricle back inside. Just focus on the inside and think. What do i need to be more fulfill? But always remember she already there.

[Cassi]

i love what you said Ann it so true. Alot of us go through life trying to find ourselves only to go in full cricle back inside. Just focus on the inside and think. What do i need to be more fulfill? But always remember she already there.

I think the "W" Ann uses stands for "Wise".