Hello everyone,
My name is Alfie I'm 27 years old, I found your website through a google search as I am really struggling emotionally at the moment and I needed to really open up to people who have been through this, as I'm pretty scared, alone and don't have many people I can talk to about anything. To be honest I have only really accepted myself in the past month or so. I had been leading a really depressive and anxiety ridden life as a man, because I thought that this was how things were and I'd never be able to change. It has only been in the past couple of months that I have really come to grips with the reality of my nature.
I had always been a very girly boy in the sense that when I was a child, I really liked playing with other girls, and when I went round to their houses playing with their toys and stuff I felt really content but my parents were very conforming to society and tried to drum this out of me, saying it wasn't normal and that I was an embarrassment to them. I had growing up pretty much been forced by my parents to live a gender normal life, however they didn't know I was transgender and still don't to this day, although deep down I feel like they probably do. To be honest as a kid I was just being me, I had no idea that I was transgender but looking back now my life makes so much sense.
The last couple weeks have really been a turning point for me, for the first time I can envisage a future. For years I have had no sense of direction, no purpose. Everyone says I'm smart, funny, good looking I have everything going for me, but this has held me back my whole life, I have really felt trapped but I didn't know by what. I then did some deep soul searching, spending a long time thinking about things, and one day about two years ago, all of a sudden it clicked, I thought what if you could change your gender, and all of a sudden deep down I had this feeling that I knew what was right. However since that moment I didn't deal with it at all, and buried my head in the sand. My depression got worse and worse, and finally I reached breaking point. I was watching a video where I finally understood the difference between gender and sex. I'm a science student studying for a BSc and I knew I had to do more research. And I don't mean pseudoscience but actual science. Then I realised that there was a biological reason for me being the way I am. For me this was massive it made me feel that it was OK to feel this way. For so long as a kid I was told by my parents "Stop acting like a girl" and "boys fight back, why can't you." This resulted in a lot of trauma for me growing up as I couldn't be accepted for who I was. I think my parents thought it was a phase. I was bullied all through school, people put labels on me like "gay" and "->-bleeped-<-got" but deep down I knew that this wasn't what was wrong. I came to terms with my sexuality about the age of 23. I knew I was bisexual, but that has made this whole process harder for me. It was like I was confused about what I wanted to seek, maybe if I was just attracted to men this decision might have been easier? However I soon realised that gender has nothing to do with sexuality.
I know how I feel deep down and it's like now I've seen the truth of my nature, I can't unsee it. I can now see light at the end of the tunnel, and I just know that this is what I have to do. However I am so scared of the consequences. I don't know if I am strong enough to transition. I have booked a private appointment with a counselor which starts at the end of this month to talk through my feelings but I'm frustrated that its taking so long. I needed to come and speak to others that have been in this place.
I am really sorry for the long post but this has been a long time coming and I feel like I can finally open up to people about this. I have told my closest friends about this, and they have all been mega supportive, however I can't come to tell my parents. I know that this is something I have to do but I want to make sure that this is really what I want to do before I do tell them. I just know that my Dad will struggle with what I have to tell him. I think my mum will probably know, when I was younger she was very close to me.
I haven't been to see my doctor about anything, I think the last time I went was about 4 years ago, I'm an introvert so I've bottled all my feelings up for years, without sharing to anyone and its been a massive relief to talk about how I'm feeling to other people. However it's the actual transition that scares me the most. I'm scared that society in general is going to judge me, and I think it goes back to school when I was bullied. I need to decide whether I live life for myself and me only, or I listen to those doubting voices in my head from when I was a kid. I also feel there is a lot of stigma attached to being trans, and where I live is a very small community, and it's where I grew up and went to school here. I feel like the only way I could do this is by moving away and starting fresh somewhere else but I need at least another 3 years of savings to be able to do that. Also my friends said am I really willing to run away from where I live and enjoy living because of what people I know might think?
Ah, I'm really struggling on these fronts and it's stupid, so stupid. I need to grow the courage to get over all of that. I feel looking back that my whole life has led up until this point. The last few weeks since opening up to people and dealing with my own thoughts and feelings for the first time that I have supressed for years... I think along this process I am going to really need deep therapy to get over the blocks that I have put up in life. I am scared, and I don't want to be, I want to be strong, and I want to make that decision.
I will leave it there because I could just go on and on... Anyway I can't wait to become part of your community and to really explore my gender identity. I need to speak to the councellor and go from there really because I need to do this sooner rather than later.
Thanks,
Alfie
