Lesbian with trans ftm partner

[Zhenfyre]

Hi all,

      I'm new to the forum but looking for someone to chat with about our situation. I'm really struggling and I hate that I am. I love my partner deeply. We've been together for 11 years now. We've had conversations about my partner being nonbinary, which I'm fine with and we've had discussions about them being trans but in the last few months it's become clear that this is real and not just an interesting theoretical exercise. I'm a politically active and critical lesbian with training as  a sociologist so generally I am critical of the social construction of gender and the notion that you need to have a specific body in order to be identify in a specific way. The thought of body modification through surgery and hormones is scary, permanent, and seems like experimentation at this point in our society.

      My partner is my safe place. I love their voice, their breasts, their curves, all of it. I love being close, being intimate, and the safety we share together. The thought of never hearing their voice again is devastating to me. They have a lovely singing voice. I love everything about them and I feel like I'm being a terrible partner for still loving and not rejecting those things.

       In theory I don't really care about bodies but in practice we live in a patriarchal society and the male body means something specific, something violent to me. I am bothered by my partner's desire to want to be part of that thing that I consider to be a violent and oppressive structure in our society. I don't really know how to deal with that.

       I'm trying desperately hard to be the partner that my partner deserves but I just don't know if I can. And where we are we face the reality that my partner feels suicidal for not being able to be the person  they feel like they need to be and I feel suicidal in losing the person that I felt safe with and not being able to be the person they need me to be.

        This is all some tragic Shakespearean ->-bleeped-<-. I'm just kind of lost. I want to do better but genuinely I don't know if I can and at the same time I can't deal with the thought of losing my partner either. I feel very trapped and out of control. I don't think advice would be very helpful to me but just being able to talk through this with other people in similar experiences might. Thanks for listening.

Take care,
Zhenfyre

[Megan.]

Have a big hug.

You seem to have a good handle on this. When a partner transitions, it can raise all these thoughts for their partner.

You're not a bad person at all for feeling this way either. I've known plenty of great cisgender men over the years who don't prescribe to the archetypal male traits, so don't assume your partner wants to be 'that' guy.

My personal view is that bitter honesty is best in these cases. Be honest with yourself, is your partner's physical makeup a big factor in your attraction to them (nothing wrong if it is)? What (if any) outcome does your partner want?

We all want these precious relationships to last,  but if either party would be unhappy or resentful, then talk to each other about that.

I wish you both happiness. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[softbutchharley]

How odd.... I am not alone
New to the forum here, and taking part ..
When I finally REALLY came out to my then partner, I felt so very bad for her. People used to ask "...what if she told you "that" ? What if SHE was trans and wanted to transition to male from female ? ..." . I am m/f transwoman. Yes I agree all the patriachal issues and realities aside....I always responded to that question with max enthusiasm... I would have loved to make a go in a les relationship or a hetero relationship (binary terms I know) with her. But alas, she was neither les nor trans...so we split in a rather hard way.
BUT...the TRUTH set me free, and I hope I did not damage her with the lie I had previously tried to live.
Now I am in a wonderful..loving..caring...and devoted les relationship of 8 years and going stronger
Just my .02 and my story...ymmv as they say.
hth
Joannie

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Most of the time when we transition, we remain the same person we were before. We still have the same desires, likes, dislikes and personality but we become more comfortable with ourselves. The outside package will change but inside will remain much the same. It may be that your unable to live with the changes in which case, hopefully you will part as friends. In either case, you are welcome to discuss your feelings here.

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[Feminator]

My partner is non binary but we have many trans friends. One is FTM and he is a Feminist(was very active and struggled with the transition)but now is happy he can go into male spaces and having been raised female, is able to change hearts and minds. He is the first to stand up for women when he hears fragile masculinity happening.

Your guy can be any type of male he wants to be, and that is the same thing I told my son. You get to choose what kind of male you are. A toxic one, or a decent one. Maybe thinking about it this way could help you feel better about having those thoughts?.((HUGS)))

[Kylo]

People don't transition because they want to be a part of a structure. We don't get a choice in it.

FTMs are often perfectly placed to understand the problems women face in life because they've been there, and can in subtle ways influence/educate their male friends and relatives on the subject. At the same time, I hope they might also do the same for people who just despise those born with a penis.

[Peep]

I am critical of the social construction of gender and the notion that you need to have a specific body in order to be identify in a specific way

In theory I don't really care about bodies but in practice we live in a patriarchal society

In practice we also live in a binary-normative and cissexist society that will not allow people to identify in a specific way without having a certain body or appearing a certain way, and as individuals we still have to function in that society day-to-day, even if we're working to break it down. It might help you to think of your partner as an individual, and not in terms of broader ideas of social structures.

Transitioning turns very very few FTMs into raging misogynists, especially if they were feminists beforehand... and it sounds like your partner will be aware of these mechanics that you're concerned about. Like others have said, our experiences pre-transition make a lot of FTMs into staunch feminists/ gender abolitionists... 

The thought of never hearing their voice again is devastating to me. They have a lovely singing voice.

Many FTMs who use HRT still keep their singing voices not all -- it takes conscious work -- but it still happens.

A lot of transition is waiting -- very few things happen overnight, especially in regards to hormones, and you may find that the physical changes mean less to you emotionally than you thought. It's sort of misleading looking at speeded-up transition timelines on youtube videos or before-and-after pictures.

Also not every trans guy aims for a traditional male ideal. There are many ftm body types out there, even if the more built and ~masculine ones get the most attention on social media. You should maybe discuss these things with your partner as they may feel the same & have specific plans. You didn't mention if they plan to pursue HRT/ surgery etc -- discussing it and outlining & comparing which things you both feel comfortable with could be useful. It could be that something you're afraid of isn't in their plans.

For example, my partner & I started dating when I was still presenting as female & when i came out, he had concerns about facial hair, and certain prosthetics... but I don't want a beard and prosthetics actually give me more dysphoria so these things turned out to not be a problem.

[Cora]

      My partner is my safe place. I love their voice, their breasts, their curves, all of it. I love being close, being intimate, and the safety we share together. The thought of never hearing their voice again is devastating to me. They have a lovely singing voice. I love everything about them and I feel like I'm being a terrible partner for still loving and not rejecting those things.

I think this is one of the most difficult things about being a SO in all this. For the SO, you love everything about your partner now, that's why you are with them. But for your partner, everything you love about them is a problem for them. You can't love the problem away because that's not the issue.

I think for SO's, the situation is a test of your boundaries. For example, my spouse shaved all his body hair off. This doesn't bother me, but if he developed breasts, that would.

It seems like you are hitting into a few of your boundaries. My therapist asked me to think about how much of the Unknown I can handle. I'm thinking I can't handle a lot which is disappointing for me, but also I need to be honest with myself.

[emango]

Hey Zhenfyre,

I was really happy to read your post, because I'm in almost the exact same situation with my girlfriend (who is in the process of figuring out the whole trans guy thing (and hasn't yet asked me to use male pronouns)). I'd be really happy to chat with you about everything, because it seems like a lot about our experiences and feelings are really similar.

I love my girlfriend more than anything and absolutely want to stay with her (or him), but I'm also really gay and have a lot of fears about what's up ahead. Let me know if you want to talk

I hope everything works out happily for us both