Transitioning and bad luck

[November Fox]

With bad luck I mean a transition where everything seems to be working against you. Time-wise, money-wise, family wise or other-wise.

Since the start of my transition things have been nothing but a struggle. Suicidality, depression, brokes bones, self-harm, injury, chronic pain.

The first few talks with gender "teams" went awry, causing me to sink further into depression and self harm, until I found a therapist that is willing to respect my boundaries, three years later.

Now when I look back and I see progress in the medical world, I feel sick. Waiting lists of almost a year when I signed up for surgery, have now become waiting lists of a few weeks.*

I'm not the first one to be stuck with bad circumstances and I imagine many, many transwomen and a few transmen have gone before for whom circumstances were  worse.

However when I look back on it now, the months of my life spent in a messed up, anxious state, and compare it to the short time in which people roll through the system now, I feel almost suicidal.

As if all that time spent waiting was good for nothing.

Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with having had a transition where everything was a struggle - how do you make peace with time spent waiting?

* These waiting lists are only accessible after a minimum of six months in therapy, so they are not indicative of actual waiting time

[Kokoro]

Look at it this way.

It wasn't time spent waiting. It was time spent enduring. It was time spent finding yourself. It was time spent fighting. Things that have happened have moulded and shaped you into the person you are today. They are your experiences, and they are your strengths.

When I was younger I had a very invasive surgery in the genital regions (I'll spare details) that resulted in a lot of agony and shame among my peers at the time. But later I would work with men nearly twice my size worrying about if a trash can was too heavy for them to pull in case they hurt their back. They knew nothing of actual 'pain' and here they were complaining about even the prospect of it. But I knew what real pain was. And that pain made me 100 times better than they were. I promptly slung said trash can over my back and walked it over to the truck, all while glaring at them in loathing.

I know where you're coming from. Why do all the good things happen to other people? Why do all the bad things happen to me? Its because you, and you alone who can endure them. Take solace in that fact. Others get it easy, because they cannot handle what you went through.

[November Fox]

Thanks Kokoro, you're very kind.

Of course it isn't all good things that happen to others and all bad things that happen to me. It's easy to see it that way. And we're not the first generation of transgenders let alone the first generation under the LGBT umbrella - people who were shunned and stigmatized.

In that sense we have it easier but still, a life spent fighting and/or enduring and surviving, can feel like a waste of time when you see that "it can be done without enduring/surviving" for so long. I just feel that perhaps "if" things had been different, I could've enjoyed life rather than want to die.

Perhaps you are right and some good has come of it, although I'm not sure I agree with the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" ideology.

[JillianC]

November Fox,

I can very much relate.  2018 started out to be a good year for me and things looked like they were finally going my way after a horrible 2017.  There was a loophole where I was able to change my insurance to another type making surgeries more likely, I had my name changed, and things just generally seemed to be going in my favor. 

Well fast forward to present time and the loophole I used to change my insurance was deemed invalid and the insurance company switched me back to my old insurance, in the mean time I had paid out hundreds of dollars in deductibles which wouldn't have been needed under my old insurance plan,  the insurance stuff made me lose my therapist of 20 months, I'm not sure if insurance will cover any surgeries, I may have used the wrong spelling for my middle name (it's a family name and I asked my mom how to spell it and I've come to realize she doesn't know how it's spelled...I know it's really not that big of a deal but it still bothers me),  and things are just generally difficult now.

It's hard to have hope when the past has been consistent set backs and delays. It's difficult/frustrating feeling stuck. Sorry, I don't have anything positive to add just wanted to add that you were not alone.

[PurpleWolf]

Dude, I can relate to this so much what can I even say......
You've probably seen my threads like 'Do you wish you had transitioned earlier' and 'coping strategies'...

It wasn't time wasted. It made you more resilient. Resilience is the key to success!!! When you keep & keep & keep doing something, eventually you WILL succeed!!!
So, you are success!!!!!! Success is the the thing that occurs when you keep at it despite your circumstances. I've been waiting FOREVER!!! And now just starting the process. And it might take 1-2 years until I even get on T........! But I. WILL. persevere this time!!!

Struggle is a part of life. Some people may seem to have had it easier than you (and they might) - but then they also might have other problems in their lives you don't have to deal with. Which is also why comparing your situation to that of other people's or envy is always counterproductive. Everyone's situation is unique.

You've gained the best reward through all this: You pulled through, survived, you are here! Yours is a success story. You kept improving your life against all odds. You survived THAT - so now you KNOW you can survive anything life throws at you!!!

I've noticed that nothing could be as horrifying as living as a guy with female body. So now that I'm finally able to change that reality - I'm not afraid of anything anymore. I survived that ->-bleeped-<- for that long - I can survive anything now!!!

Now that I'm finally able to do something about it - I'm just pure optimism!!! I'm not bitter at all anymore. I never failed to do something about it before - I persevered. I didn't die. I didn't kill myself. I kept on living & aspiring for transitioning eventually. And now I'm doing it. And I will do it - no matter how long it takes for me still! Yeah it sucked I wasn't able to do that years ago - but now is not years ago, now is NOW. I know that persevering enough will get me the results I want in the end  . That feels empowering and applies to everything in life!!! I'm empowered by my own resilience and how strong I became through all that.

Maybe the best lesson I've learned is this: I no longer try to avoid the inevitable. Sometimes you do need to jump through some hoops for example. But just KEEP ON DOING IT! Just keep at it!!! Sometimes other people treat you like ->-bleeped-<- - but just don't give up regardless. And ask for help & find support when you need it. Keep doing that too until you get support. You will, eventually  .

I can take these life lessons with me and use them for all the other aspects of life as well.

Not entirely trans related, but was just reading these great articles:
http://www.evancarmichael.com/library/devang-jhaveri/How-To-Overcome-of-Not-Achieving-Goal-Fear.html
http://stunningmotivation.com/fail-achieve-goals/
https://blog.bufferapp.com/how-our-brains-stop-us-achieving-our-goals-and-how-to-fight-back
http://stunningmotivation.com/stop-beating-yourself/
https://www.hongkiat.com/blog/fail-to-succeed-billionaires/

I choose my life to be a success story,  !!!

[PurpleWolf]

I know where you're coming from. Why do all the good things happen to other people? Why do all the bad things happen to me? Its because you, and you alone who can endure them. Take solace in that fact. Others get it easy, because they cannot handle what you went through.

Sorry I disagree with this! Good & bad things happen to everyone in life. No one wants bad things to happen to themselves - but if/when they do, everyone will survive them, because you have to. You either can't take it (and kill yourself) which imo is a sad approach to life. Or you decide you will. And I don't believe in the sentence 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' either bcos it's just not that easy. But when you do face difficulties in life, yes, that WILL make you stronger actually just bcos you had to endure them. Some people will always have it easier and some harder than you. The same way being poor in India is different to being poor in western countries. There are always gonna be people who are better & worse off than yourself. And that applies to everyone too! But, there are many billionaires in India too, nevertheless  .

When you suffer an injury you can say it's bad luck - coz really, there's no explanation to why that happened to you. So yeah, it was bad luck that happened. But eventually everyone CAN handle whatever life throws at them! No one wants to handle ->-bleeped-<-. But when you have to take care of a seriously ill family member or someone close to you dies accidently or you suffer an injury or discrimination, that sucks! - but when you have to face that, you will survive it.

I don't believe in envy because only YOU know what YOU want out of your life - you don't want anyone else's life after all. You can be envious of Donald Trump's wealth and him being the president despite being a... not so pleasant person - but do you really want to be Donald Trump? Would you really rather be him if you could swap? Think about it. Why be envious of someone if you don't want to be them in the first place? Sure you can think you'd like to be as rich as him - but swapping places you'd also get all the other ->-bleeped-<- as well! Being someone else would mean enduring their life & struggles. Your purpose in life is to be YOU, no one else.

When you think 'others have it easier' it's actually victim mentality. Like you couldn't affect your own life! After all you wanted to transition, you wanted this to yourself, so you will find ways to do it. Some trans people might have had it easier - but then again cispeople never have to go through that in the first place. And then there are trans people who have it much, much worse - and are never able to transition, for example! The only person you can safely and objectively compare yourself to is the person YOU were yesterday,  . If you are better than what you used to be before - you're improving! That's what life's about.

[November Fox]

I don't have anything positive to add just wanted to add that you were not alone.

Thanks for sharing your story, even if it isn't upbeat. Your experience sounds very frustrating. I hope your insurance will come through and cover the cost of your surgeries after all.

This isn't about hope though. It's about looking back at your life - and realizing that what could have been done in a matter of weeks, took months or years, (here) often due to a lack of capacity and skilled surgeons on the part of the hospitals.

There is a randomness to it and an irony that I can't quite put into words. Like the irony of someone in the states not getting surgery because they can't afford it or the irony of someone here getting surgery sooner because they found a loophole in the officially condoned transition.

This isn't exclusive to transitioning I assume. Someone battling a debilitating disease might have to wade across a sea of red tape and deal with incompetent doctors while someone else with a similar disease might "sail" through the experience (insofar that's possible).

Perhaps this isn't so much about my transition, as much as it is me just trying to comprehend the randomness in the universe and the ways in which we all try to make sense out of it. The ways in which we tell ourselves that strength/perseverance is the reward for any struggle.

As I said, I have trouble adhering that viewpoint. But I respect those who draw optimism from the thought.

[Kylo]

Now when I look back and I see progress in the medical world, I feel sick. Waiting lists of almost a year when I signed up for surgery, have now become waiting lists of a few weeks.*

Seems to be going the opposite way where I am. When I signed up it was 10 months to get a GIC appointment. Now it's a year to two years average. I feel pretty happy about how quick I got to where I am through the process, despite a couple of minor setbacks.

Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with having had a transition where everything was a struggle - how do you make peace with time spent waiting?

There's just no point in getting worked up about it, is my thinking. I chose to wait until the time I did, so it's only me to blame. I didn't get the info I could act on it until I did, again, nobody to really blame. I wasn't in control of the GP or the psychotherapist when they screwed up, but when I recognized things were going wrong I mentioned it and stuff was done. In the end though a lot of it is just down to luck, and who knows who and who pulls what strings for who. I got the surgeon I did really fast because he is the personal friend of the supervising endo, and my cousin went to him. I suggested his name after hearing about my cousin's surgery and bam, a month later I was seeing him for pre op consultation for surgery in two weeks. Had I picked a different one, might still be waiting.

Let's just say I deal with all of it fairly well because if anything, I live for the fight. Or for waiting things out strategically until I can get what I want. And for seeing how much I can deal with and not see it break me. I don't know where I got that kind of spirit from - years and years of bad luck and dealing with situations put onto me that are so theatrically absurd I almost find them funny now, maybe. Even if there was a huge waste of time, even if my life has been some immense cosmic joke, I'm going to be the one laughing in the end. It gets easier.

[Kokoro]

Sorry I disagree with this! Good & bad things happen to everyone in life. No one wants bad things to happen to themselves - but if/when they do, everyone will survive them, because you have to. You either can't take it (and kill yourself) which imo is a sad approach to life. Or you decide you will. And I don't believe in the sentence 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' either bcos it's just not that easy. But when you do face difficulties in life, yes, that WILL make you stronger actually just bcos you had to endure them. Some people will always have it easier and some harder than you. The same way being poor in India is different to being poor in western countries. There are always gonna be people who are better & worse off than yourself. And that applies to everyone too! But, there are many billionaires in India too, nevertheless  .

I didn't mean for what I said to be taken literally. It's simply a way of looking at life with a positive attitude. I used to look back in anger a lot too. My most recent one was Uni where I spent 5 years there and scraped through with a degree that's barely worth anything. I used to think it was a huge waste of time, but after thinking about it I realised I'd met lots of friends, had a good social life and got to experience living away from home in a different place. Sure, I could compare my time there to Jimmy Whiz who went to Uni at 11 and got his Professorship by age 20 and now flies around the world studying ancient ruins. But that's him, not me. And he is him, and I am me. We're different, our own experiences are unique and both are of equal value.

As for "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", its a bit of a fallacy. I think a more accurate quote would be "what doesn't kill you changes you". You need to decide if that change is a good one, or a bad one. And most definitely not all of them are, believe you me!

[November Fox]

I don't know (...) years and years of bad luck and dealing with situations put onto me that are so theatrically absurd I almost find them funny now, maybe. Even if there was a huge waste of time, even if my life has been some immense cosmic joke, I'm going to be the one laughing in the end. It gets easier.

I can appreciate that. And I can relate to the feeling of absurdity - having grown up among adults who had such temper-tantrums, sometimes it seemed they were putting it on for the show - which is part of the reason I'm baffled by seemingly random bouts of pain and relief.

I relate to the above more than the idea that bad experiences make one resilient - I don't think they do -  but they do contribute to character, and I guess in the end to a sense of relativity - you just end up laughing at life rather than being blown away by it.

As for "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", its a bit of a fallacy. I think a more accurate quote would be "what doesn't kill you changes you". You need to decide if that change is a good one, or a bad one. And most definitely not all of them are, believe you me!

I agree with this one hundred percent. Painful situations harden people (not by default, I am assuming, but it's more or less safe to say so for most people). True resilience does not equate having a shell - it's inspired by confidence and optimism rather than armour.

Many times I've seen how painful situations - life in general - wears people down and leads to a negative outlook on life (think grumpy old people) or a dark sense of humour (best scenario). There are many times where I asked myself whether I wanted to become a bitter old man.

Maybe emotional stability is the best thing to be gained in all this. Just knowing that it doesn't matter if we freak out or stay calm. The situation will be the same after all - the only thing we have any grip on, is ourselves.

I would like to change the quote to "what doesn't kill us, makes us more level-headed". Hopefully.